I never expected that I'd be in this scenario. Watching you from across the tracks, glimpses of you flash in between train cars. You aren't looking at me. You stare at your phone, the wind pushing your hair into your face with every gust. The hint of a smile tugs at the corners of my mouth as I see you absentmindly try to tuck it behind your ear, only for it to fly free a moment later. I wasn't supposed to be here right now, and this chance encounter brought back all the emotions I had pushed away in a flood.
I had let you go, hadn't I? So why are you still haunting me?
I have to let you go. You will hurt me. I will hurt you. But why is it then that all I can imagine is how soft your lips look? How it would feel to intertwine your fingers with mine. The image of having your arms wrapped around me is intoxicating, a heady scent of excitement as you kiss my neck. How much I want to brush your cheek with my thumb as I smile softly at you. No, I can't let myself fall into love with you, it will kill us both. The pieces of our hearts are glued together with a lick of spit and a hope that one day they will meld back together into a semblance of the whole. And maybe, just maybe, someone would be willing to take this scarred and broken thing and keep it safe.
But life doesn't work like romantic comedies. The perfect person can't exist. And pretending we are anything close to that is a fool's errand.
So why do you invade my dreams? Why does your smile make my heart both rise into my throat and sink lower than my stomach? Why am I pulled towards you, physically, mentally? I distance myself and you pull me in like gravity, as if my world revolves around you. I have done everything! EVERYTHING short of pushing you from my life completely, and even the thought of that is terrible beyond comprehension. I can't live with you, I can't live without you. You make my days so much brighter. I light up when you talk to me. Your compassion, your intelligence, your patience, your steadfastness... your trustworthiness. I want to soak it all in and reflect back to you the amazing person I see. I want you to see yourself as I see you. A flame, small, hot, and bright that refuses to be extinguished. You make my days a misery. Wanting you so much, but to never have you. All of these feelings, knowing they can go but one place- nowhere. Breaking my future before it even begins.
This is why people write love songs, I know. I didn't get it before, I didn't see!! I didn't feel a love that could be so perfect I could see a future in it. I can see you. I see you on that chair, a grandchild on your knee as you laugh at the silly song you are singing with the little one. I see the white and gray hairs sneak their way into the color, and to me you only look more distinguished. You laugh as you hold our first child, high above your head, and she laughs and laughs as you twirl her in the air. You're glowing as you hold her at a hip and you both give me kisses as I head out for work.
My love for you is killing me, I hold tight to a poison in my hands, the bottle shattered and lacerating as I scream wordlessly.