St*rfucker

Everything was perfect. Fandral was going to fly in for fashion week, they had a couple of weeks before they even had to think about Tony again, and they were in Paris about to go to their first Dior fitting in years. One that they never thought they’d ever be allowed to do. 

They met Verity in the foyer and followed her up to the design floor. It was bigger than they remembered, with people running around at every corner. That wasn’t a surprise. Considering there was a fashion week in progress and Paris was right around the corner, with Milan right after, they were expecting chaos. They followed Verity to the last room at the end of the hall and was grateful when there were only a handful of people in there. The designer, Loki recognised, and a couple of dressers. 

“Loki!” The designer, Mark, grinned. “It’s so lovely to see you again.”

Considering Mark was one of the designers who refused to dress Loki after they came out, Loki wasn’t buying it, but they didn’t say that. “Likewise.”

“Thank you for coming on such short notice- we’ve been making this dress for months but the model we’d hired just- didn’t quite make it and I’d hate for this to be left out of the collection.” Loki didn’t like the implications of ‘didn’t quite make it’. “I’m not sure if this’ll work, but you’re my last chance.”

Considering all the things he’d done to Loki, it was bold to admit that they were his last chance. But they grinned and beared it. What other choice did they have? They followed the dressers behind the dressing wall and got changed into the dress. It fit like a glove. Maybe a tiny bit short, but if they took it up a bit more then it would look like an artistic choice. They stepped out from behind the wall and watched Mark, who raised a brow. 

“Okay. You’re taller than her. We can hem it back a bit,” he hummed. “I think a septum would make this. And hair- I guess this works. Okay. Hem it to their ankles and that’s the only change we need to make, thank god. I’ll get the piercer in now.”

———————————

Loki had had their ears pierced many, many times. At least ten. Their septum was a different experience. It was as if they’d been punched in the face. They kept playing with it, turning it as much as they could. There were two small hoops on the sides of the ring to connect chains to for the walk. It was jet black, and Loki loved it a lot more than they were expecting to. 

Fandral was supposed to fly in the next morning, but they probably wouldn’t see him until after the walk. That didn’t matter, though. At least they got to see him and spend a few days with him before Fandral had to go back to New York. Then they’d have a week in Milan with Tony. Fandral too, but Mobius had already sent over the list of activities that they had to do with Tony and it basically took up their entire week. The only upside was that Fandral was in the same hotel so they could sneak to his room once they were in the building. 

Despite the whole thing with Tony, for the first time in years they actually felt hopeful for the future. Like they were going to get their shit back together. Like they’d gotten clean for a reason. Like they’d stopped being reckless for a reason. They were finally getting somewhere. 

A knock on the hotel room door broke them out of their thoughts. They got up and headed to the door, only to open it and find Fandral. Their jaw dropped as they realised that he was actually standing in front of them and they couldn’t find any words to say. 

“Surprise,” he said with a grin. 

They pulled him into a hug. “You’re here?”

“Of course I’m here,” he replied as he hugged back. “Tomorrow is such a big day for you. Of course I’m here to support you.”

They pulled back to let Fandral inside and closed the door behind him. “I thought you had a meeting.”

“Yeah, just earlier than what I told you.” He grinned mischievously. “So we can have a night together before tomorrow. So how about we have that takeaway and movie night that we didn’t have last week?”

They grinned. “I like your thinking.”

Fandral threw his phone at them and they caught it with ease. They opened up UberEats and started looking through the options. “What do you fancy?” They asked. 

He shrugged. “Surprise me.”

They went through the food places still open and went for somewhere that had options for both of them. They ordered a curried sweet potato lentil bowl before throwing the phone back to Fandral. They sat down on the bed and opened their laptop up again, closing the email tabs and opening Netflix. 

“Fancy watching Pretty Woman?” They asked. 

He snorted. “Missing your OnlyFans days?”

“Okay, one- there’s nothing wrong with sex work, and two- it’s a good movie.” They looked through some more movies. “Tick Tick Boom?”

“Preferably something that doesn’t make you cry.” He chuckled. 

They thought for a moment. “Scream?”

There was a moment of silence. “Yeah, Scream sounds good. As long as it’s the first one.”

“The first one’s the best,” they replied. 

Loki pressed play once Fandral was in bed with them. They wrapped their arm around his waist and rested their head on his chest, their smile wide as they relaxed for the first time in weeks. Things were actually, finally looking up for once, and the existential doom that had been building for years finally settled. They were okay. Everything was going to be okay. 

Food arrived half way through the movie, and Loki had to order from there again before they left. It was one of the best salad bowls they’d ever eaten. Then the movie finished, so they watched the second. Loki fell asleep through the third - they’d been up since four and had been working out most of the morning. Their energy had plummeted and despite enjoying spending time with Fandral and watching their favourite movie franchise, they’d barely slept since getting to France. 

Fandral was asleep when they woke up, and the sun wasn’t even rising. They wriggled out of Fandral’s hold and headed to the wardrobe. They got changed into some joggers and a shirt before they went for a run, just like they did every morning. 

They were going to do the thing that got them blacklisted all over again. They were going to wear a dress and walk down the catwalk at Paris Fashion Week. They would either break barriers and get their career back, or they’d lose everything again. They hadn’t been announced for the walk yet. They didn’t think they would be until the last minute. Dior were worried about the backlash. They didn’t need to say it, but it was obvious with how much they were hiding their plan. If people complained about Loki, then they’d put out a public apology and brush the situation under the rug. They’d feed Loki to the wolves, just like the last time. 

Fandral was still asleep when they got back. They jumped in the shower, and they were in there for just under an hour. It was the biggest day of their career. The water was almost soothing and they didn’t want to leave it. 

They pulled their hair up into a bun and got dressed into some black trousers and a grey crop top before they grabbed their usual black jacket. They pressed a gentle kiss to the top of Fandral’s head before they headed out to the taxi waiting outside. The journey was quiet. They couldn’t stand the idea of making small talk. Not when they could lose everything in the span of hours. They got out at the back of the Rodin Museum and headed inside as fast as they could, doing their best to get inside without being seen. 

They were taken straight to the dressing room where a team got straight to work on their makeup. Minimalistic with a smokey eye, and their hair was styled to fall in a vaguely naturalistic way. They were put into the dress, and Loki couldn’t hide their smile. It was perfect. Gothic and edgy, but perfect for them. They’d have kept it if they could’ve. They were led to the backstage area where the rest of the models were waiting. The sound of the crowd was deafening, but they shrugged it off. It was their first walk in years, and it felt just like the first. Exactly like they were the thirteen year old waiting to go on for their first job. Chanel. That was an interesting experience, but it got them many more jobs. 

They took a deep breath before they were pushed on, but the moment they got onto the stage it was like muscle memory. Everything came back to them and they walked with the most confidence they’d ever had on a runway. If it was going to be their last job, it was going to be one to remember. People would remember them holding their head up high and not hiding in shame. 

The moment they got off stage Mobius pulled them into a hug. They didn’t even notice him arrive. They hugged back, glad that he couldn’t see just how much they were grinning. Their cheeks hurt from smiling so much, but they hadn’t smiled that much in years. 

“Fucking hell, Lokes, that was amazing,” Mobius said as he pulled away. “This is exactly what you should be doing, and I’m so proud of you.”

They raised a brow. “Walking down runways in lacy dresses?”

“Fucking shit up wherever you go,” he replied. “It’s about time this industry changed. I’m glad you trust me enough to manage you through this.”

They grinned. “You’ve still got a lot of groveling to do.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll keep that in mind. Let’s go for coffee tomorrow. I’ll text you the details.”

They headed off to their dressing room and let the dressers take the dress off of them. God forbid they were allowed to do it. They got changed into the outfit they arrived in and started to pull the pins out of their hair when they heard a knock on the door. 

“Come in,” they said. 

Before they even finished speaking, Fandral ran through the door and pulled them into a hug. “That was so fucking fantastic- like- everyone just went quiet the moment you stepped out- it was so fucking insane.”

They smiled as they relaxed into Fandral’s touch. “That was one of the best things I’ve done in my life.”

“You looked incredible and I think you’re going to cause quite the storm out there,” he said. “Are you heading to the party?”

They thought for a moment. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” he replied. “There’ll be a lot of people there.”

They raised a brow. “Yeah, there’ll be a lot of people there, most of them haven’t spoken to me in years, and a lot of drugs. I don’t know.”

“You’re probably surrounded by more drugs here than you would be there.” He sat down on the sofa and pulled out his phone. “It’ll be fun.”

“I don’t know. I’ll think about it,” they said. “Anyway, I have a meeting with Mobius tomorrow and if it’s too early then I don’t want to be out late.”

“You were a lot more fun before you started giving a shit about what people think of you,” he huffed. 

“I still don’t give a shit, but I care about how I think about myself,” they replied. 

Fandral didn’t reply. Loki fixed their hair and made sure that their makeup was still okay before they shrugged their jacket on. They were hoping that they could just sneak out the back and be unseen, but they weren’t completely convinced that that would happen. 

“Why’s Tony here?”

They raised a brow as they turned to look at Fandral. “What?”

“Tony’s here. It’s all over Twitter.” He put his phone to the side and looked at Loki. “You didn’t tell me he’d be here.”

“I didn’t know,” they replied. “He’s meant to be at Milan, not here.”

“There’s photos of him here.” He got up. “I can’t even have any time with my fucking partner anymore without that dickhead lurking around the corner.”

“Do you think I like this?” They asked. “Do you think I want to pretend to date someone else when all I really want is to be with you?”

He shook his head. “You’ve spent more time with him than you have with me these last few weeks. How’s that meant to make me feel? Hm? And you won’t even go places that we can be seen together with because you’re so scared of breaking your fucking sobriety- this is bullshit, Loki.”

“I didn’t want this.” They frowned. “I didn’t want to do this but what choice did I have? If Mobius drops me then that’s my last fucking lifeline gone- what would you do in my position?”

He raised a brow. “I would never have put myself in your position. You had everything. Designers falling at your feet. You were everywhere, but you couldn’t fucking help but put everyone single one of those people on the line because you decided that you wanted to be different- to stand out- and use those fucking shitty pronouns knowing that people don’t fucking like them and you put me on the fucking line because if I’m ever associated with you then my career goes to shit. No, Loki, I would never have put myself in your position because I’m not that fucking selfish. If you don’t go tonight then I know you’re choosing him over me.”

Fandral walked out and Loki didn’t stop him. They sat down in the chair and took a deep breath. Tears stung their eyes but they refused to let them fall. No, that would ruin their eyeliner and they couldn’t be bothered to fix it. Why did Tony have to show up without warning? At least if they knew then they could’ve given Fandral a warning.

They thought over Fandral’s words but they couldn’t make out where all of it had come from. They were fine, weren’t they? They’d had a brilliant night. It wasn’t as if they were rocky before Tony. They didn’t even know that he felt that way about what they’d done. It made sense, thinking about it, why Fandral wouldn’t make their relationship public. He was scared. He was scared of being like Loki. He was scared of losing everything. 

There was a knock on the door and when they looked up they were met by Tony and Natasha. Fandral didn’t close the door behind him, it seemed. They forced a smile as they gestured for them to come in. 

“Didn’t expect to see either of you today,” they said. 

Natasha shrugged. “We’ve got a show in Paris tomorrow and we managed to get here in time.”

“Who was that dickhead?” Tony asked. Natasha elbowed him in the ribs and Loki almost laughed. 

“Fandral,” they replied. “He’s a friend.”

Tony raised a brow. “Sure. Friend.” 

“Tony-” Natasha tried to intervene. 

“No, what he said wasn’t okay,” Tony said. “What a fucking dickhead. Why do you keep him around?”

They raised a brow. “Why did you come today?”

“Because I was told to?” He replied. 

“Without any fucking warning.” They shook their head. “I have an actual fucking relationship, Stark. Someone I love and care about. What do you think this is like? How do you think he feels about this?”

“He made it clear that he wouldn’t want the relationship to come out publicly because he’s so embarrassed by you,” he replied. “Loki, if it’s coming from me then clearly somethings fucked.”

“Yeah. Sure. I’ll absolutely take relationship advice from the world renowned womanizer. The one who can’t even fuck the same person two days in a fucking row.” They clenched their fists. “You come in here all high and fucking mighty, as if you’re better than me. All the fucking time. You keep fucking judging me and for what? To make you feel better about yourself? Just fuck off.”

Tony went to argue but Natasha pulled him towards the door. She sent them an apologetic look before they both left. Out of all the band, Natasha was the only one they spoke to outside of their meetings. They texted every now and then, and she just seemed the most genuine towards them out of the band. Like she understood the situation and didn’t want it to be completely hostile. They were grateful for that. 

They grabbed their stuff before they headed out. They got in the car and headed straight back to the hotel. They headed straight for their room and checked the time. Five. Two hours until they had to leave. They thought for a moment before they opted to sleep instead of anything else. Part of them knew that they should’ve eaten, but old habits die hard. Their last manager would’ve been proud of them. They couldn’t help but smile a little at that. They’d gone out of their way to make him proud. They never really did manage to. 

They curled up in the bed, not bothering to change out of their clothes. They didn’t care enough. They set an alarm before they fell asleep, and the time passed far too fast. The screeching of the alarm woke them up in what felt like five minutes, but was actually an hour. They got up and started to get ready, barely putting a thought into what they were doing. They got into a pair of black jeans and a baggy white crop top. They grabbed their phone before they headed back out to get into one of the many black cars waiting outside. Basically everyone was in that hotel, and everyone was headed to the same place. 

The house was huge. Four floors at least, wider than any house Loki had ever seen, and lit up to the gods with flashing coloured lights. They got out and the music was deafening, even from the road. They were late, of course, but they didn’t care enough to arrive on time. They headed inside and their first goal was to find Fandral. It took a while, but he was with a group of people in one of the furthest corners of the house. They went up to his side and he grinned the moment he noticed them. 

“Loki!” He pulled them into a hug. “You came- I’m so glad you came.” He pulled away and before Loki could speak, he was speaking again. “Okay, so- this is Amora, Sylvie, Yelena and Bucky.”

Sylvie grinned. “You made quite the appearance today.”

They smiled a little. “That was the plan.”

Fandral pushed a drink into their hand and grabbed himself another one. They raised a brow but didn’t say anything. They took slow sips of their drink as Fandral and his friends spoke. They didn’t want to intrude, but they stuck to his side. They didn’t know how welcomed they’d be by everyone else. 

Any time they finished a drink, Fandral handed them another one. By the fourth they were clinging onto him for some stability. They couldn’t even stand up on their own. But more and more kept coming, and they couldn’t find it in them to care. They kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking. 

It was a party, after all.