Chapter 6
The road was smooth. Slick with ice. The grey car drove slowly, not as slow as it should have. Bauer was hasty to leave this behind him. I could see it in the way he tapped on the steering wheel, in how he ignored Steve bluntly. If I had turned my head to look outside I would've seen snow. Snow and mountains and glimpses of densely packed forest. I would've questioned the season, where I was and when it was. I would've given up when the headache pounded and instead just admired the snowflakes falling. It could have been beautiful. I didn't turn my head. My body wasn't mine to control, I'd traded that for the safety of my mind. For the ability to retreat into myself. I let myself fade further into my mind. None of this needed my attention and the hours slipped by faster like this.
“He's listening but he's not aware of anything still.” Steve's voice was tinged with concern as he tried prompt the soldier to come back to himself.
“You've got to be fucking with me-” came Bauer's frustrated groan. “They wanted him lucid for this. Look- take his shirt off. I'm not risking him tearing it again.”
Steve's hands skimmed the soldiers chest. They brushed against his arms and touched against the soldiers dark hair. Awkwardly, and carefully he removed his shirt. Steve could feel the temptation to linger, to stay close to him longer. Steve could also feel Bauer's tense impatience, and so the shirt was removed as quickly as he could. Soon it was folded, sitting in Steve's lap whilst the soldier stared ahead.
“Move over Steve, I don't want to splash you.”
The thin guard scooched over to the car door, pressing his body against it. Bauer took that moment to unscrew the lid on a water bottle. “It's cold enough I think it'll shock him awake. I don't think he'll get violent but keep an eye on him.”
Everything flooded my senses. A simultaneous attack of sensory input. The cold, cold water dripping down my face. Trailing across my chest. Sending shivers down my neck. Howling wind. Outside of the car. Not my concern. Bright lights. Spots dancing across my vision. Disfiguring the man staring at me. The thick clothes he's in don't help. Glimpses of something else. Another man beside me. A gun. He's holding a gun at me. I wasn't moving yet I willed my body to freeze even more. I can't react violently. I can't react in a way that's seen as violent. I can't react at all. He's blonde. Thin and lanky. His name's Steve. He's here? Thin nose. Cauliflower ears. Bauer. I'm being transported, I'm going somewhere.
“Soldat?”
“Ready to comply.” The words fall thickly from my tongue. Slow and heavy like syrup. Bauer nodded, and I can just make out Steve lowering the gun. The air feels tight with tension. It's suffocating me.
“At ease soldier. How are you feeling?” Bauer continues. A useless question to asks a soldier. He knows I can't answer him truthfully. Awareness hits me. He's testing me. What is he testing me for?
“Thank you sir, I'm feeling fine.”
Bauer seems to relax. His shoulders drop slightly. “Do you need anything?” He kicks his lips. A motion that causes my stomach to turn.
I pause, considering my reply. I'm sopping wet. I'm shirtless. It's freezing in here. I don't know when I last ate. What is he waiting for? I was told to wear a shirt earlier, when I was getting dressed. I wasn’t told anything about eating, or staying dry. It's worth a shot. I weigh up the words carefully. It's getting far too easy to slip up with my tone.
“I think I need my shirt. I was told to wear one earlier.”
Bauer nods, not at me. Steve passes me a shirt. It's different to the one from before but it means I answered right. Relief floods my bones, sharing space with the aches and stiffness from being seated for so long. It takes me a moment to redress myself, my dead arm slowing me down.
“Did you see that? You've seen him come out of the freezer right?” Bauer asks. His voice grates on my ears.
I assume Steve nodded. All I can see as I pull my shirt on is the soft grey fabric.
“His ready to comply shtick? Normally it's for when he's just woken up, or had his brain fried. He must've been real fucking out of it for that.” He paused, restarting the car. “So that doesn't mean he's lucid. You gotta ask him questions. Shit that he wouldn't be programmed for. Shows he can think for himself you know?”
“That makes sense.”
“Besides you've got the little red book, it'll tell you a bit more about him. Help you tell between when he's just a mindless thing pretending to be a person and when he's actually got some thoughts going through his head.”
My legs hurt. They've been cramping. I move to stretch my legs slightly. They continue talking, conversation I follow half heartedly. Nothing about it is important to me. Instead I rearrange how my dead arm is sitting and wait for any memories to come back to me. Something to fill in the gaps.
I wait in vain.
Steve's still pressed against the door. I don't know whats made him so uncomfortable with me. It's not surprising. He was too comfortable for far too long. The shirts growing more uncomfortable by the second, the water making the fabric cling to me. A reminder of how moments ago I was shirtless. The metal arm on display. My stomach drops. It never gets any easier knowing people see it. That's why he's pressed against the door. Glancing at me as if I can't see it. The frustration makes my face burn. Petty, immature and stupid. I'm not sure if I'm talking about him or me. I'm not sure why I care so much. The cold water drips down my back, darkening my shirt. The hot mess of pain and tangled nerves from my shoulder isn't soothed by the sopping fabric. It only makes my body ache more, crying out for me to hear it.
Bauer slams the brakes. It's a movement that jolts me forward and one that sends Steve slamming into the chair in front of him. “You alright back there?”
Steve nervously laughs, stammering over his reply. “Sorry, I didn't realise we were stopping.”
Bauer mutters something under his breath. Steve doesn't seem to catch it but I hear him clearly. “They're gonna eat him alive.”
Bauer continues, this time raising his voice. “It‘s a short walk. Your stuff will be brought up later.”
The second he opens the door the temperature plummets. The wind bites at me as I open the door, awkwardly trudging out into the snow. Bauer's pulling on another jacket, his face already a bright shade of red. “Fix your arm.” He snaps. The cold makes him angry. It doesn't stop the relief flooding me. I stare at the ground as I fiddle with my arm. Turning it on is easier, and less painful. The switch is hidden, but my frozen fingers can find it easily. It whirs softly. The sound makes me feel sick. It digs up memories of lightning shocks and being restrained but it eases the pain. I flex my arm, whirling it in a practiced circle. The biting cold and my thin clothes don't bother me so much anymore. The pains fading, leaving behind familiar aches and stiffness. Manageable. Now I can hear the quiet voices surrounding me.
Men pile out from the cars surrounding us. Some are excited, some bored. There‘s more than one curse or muttered frustration I can overhear. Steve‘s moving closer. I turn to watch him, drowning in a thick winter jacket. It tempts my lips to stretch into a smile. He sticks out in this small crowd. I like it. A sharp pain to my side has me whirling around, fists formed. Bauers baton. Not a threat. I’m too slow to realise that however. My arms have only just relaxed when I feel someone grab me by the throat. I try choke out an explanation, an apology. Anything. My voice betrays me. A gargled sound escapes me as I’m forced to my knees. The cold seeps through my pants as I gasp for air. The suns blinding me but it doesn’t stop me from looking up. Looking to Bauer. He’s known me long enough to explain. I didn’t know it was him, one of us. The bastard just grins. I gasp again, trying to ignore the way my throat burns. Whoevers holding me doesn’t budge.
Bauer flicks his hand and the arms around my neck vanish. The whispers have only grown louder, a mess of overlapping voices. My breath catches in my throat. The ragged gasps make me wince. It feels like it‘ll bruise. Ugly purple marks. Slowly I move to my feet. Bauer hasn‘t stopped grinning. For a moment my head was filled with pictures of him turning purple as I choked him out. My head throbbed. A dull ache that cut off everything I was thinking. Bauer was looking at me. Expectantly.
“Too high and mighty to walk now? Stop holding us up Soldat.” My feet moved before I could reply, following the footsteps of whoever walked here before me. Despite the cold my head felt hot. My side was bruising. Bauer either liked bruises or hated me. Regardless I always ended up in sickening shades of purple. Footsteps beside me jerked me out of my train of thought. Steve. I lifted my head slightly as I silently cursed my hair. It had fallen out at some point and now obscured my periphery. I was due for a cut soon, it already reached my chin.
“Are you cold?”
“Asking someone to cover up is rude you know.”
The choked sound Steve made was worth the nerves that filled my stomach. “That’s not- that’s not what I meant. And you know it!”
I could practically feel how flushed his face was and it made me grin.
“Honestly Rogers.”
Steve continued to stammer out apoplogies. I tried focus on them. Trying to ignore the knot of terror firmly wedged in my gut. Trying to stop spiralling over what ifs and half formed ideas of where we were going. I’d find out where I was going when we got there. Panicking didn’t help me now, besides teasing him was as good a distraction as any.
“You sure you’re not cold Rogers? You’re bright red.”