Chapter 1
***
“I said ‘Get out of’ere!”
The men throw him roughly to the ground, turning on their heels as they slam the steel door.
He lays there, his face in the snow for however long it takes the pounding in his head to fade away. His arms tremble as he pushes himself up. He gets to his knees where he sits for a moment. He tilts his head up towards the sky, which is nothing but dark clouds of smog and smoke. The falling snow mixes with the ash appearing as black cold soot. The flakes land gently on his face, melting away from his rising fever he continues to ignore. He glances down, not fighting the urge as he digs his hands underneath the layer of dirty snow. He cups it in his muck stained palms for a minute before he smothers his face in his hands. He rubs his eyes roughly as the snow melts away.
He stares at the brick wall in front of him. His vision blurry, the bricks swirl together in one big jumbled mess. He looks back down again, noticing the dark dots of red splattered in the snow. He touches his nose, his fingertip gaining a thick ooze of blood.
He shuffles to his feet, falling back into the door behind him as he loses his footing. The back of his head hits the steel with a thud, but he barely notices due to the already present pain residing there.
He shifts, forcing his body weight forward to take a few steps. He keeps his hand on the wall as he wobbles down the alley. He stumbles forward over a clunky piece of trash, he falls to his knees. A sharp pain shoots up his leg, but he barely notices since he’s overwhelmed with nausea. He empties the contents of his stomach onto the pile of garbage. It wasn’t much else than vile, he couldn’t recall the last time he had digested solid food.
He coughed violently, the alley began to rotate and twist. His surroundings were disoriented, he felt like he was going to be sick again but there was nothing left. He sat there on his knees dry heaving for maybe half an hour. He waited until everything had halted. He was able to make it to his feet by practically climbing up the wall. He leaned on it heavily with almost all of his weight.
He glanced back towards the door, the thought of trying to enter again crossed his mind. It was quickly followed by the remembrance of sliding his face through the pavement, or the sharp knee to the groin right before that. He winced at the memory, still feeling the ache in his lower parts, and the sting of the cool air meeting the road rash on the side of his face.
His knees were weak, and he shivered as he attempted to walk down the alley to the open street. He wrapped his arms around his front, sliding his hands underneath his pits. He squeezed tightly trying to create some type of warmth. He didn’t necessarily understand, not that he was particularly trying too. He felt like he was burning up just a few minutes ago, now he can barely stand his teeth were chattering so bad.
He slid his hand on the rough bricks as he walked. His vision was getting better, but he still couldn’t see straight. He wavered around the corner out on to the street. There were few people, it wasn’t too crowded. This part of town never was. People weren’t necessarily lining up to enter. He shuffled down the block, bumping into a few strangers who either ignored him, or spat in his direction.
The pain in his leg was back, as was the sting in his face. He couldn’t quite tell, but he was sure there was blood in his eye. Maybe that’s why it’s so blurry-
“Watch’it!” A man snarled as he accidentally brushed shoulders with him. He was large and dark, and all it took was one swift push and there he was tumbling into another alley. He hit the ground hard, as the other guy just kept walking, grumbling something under his breath as he shoved his hands in his pockets.
He laid there for a moment on the ground. His breathing was heavy, but shallow. Not much air making its way completely to his lungs. His fingers twitched, and his eyes stung. He managed to sit up, having to straighten one leg due to the pain. He rubbed his aching knee with a jittery hand. His knuckles were bruised and busted but one would hardly be able to tell with how much filth they were covered in.
There was that pit in his stomach that just kept gnawing at him. He didn’t know whether he wanted to throw up or eat something. Probably both.
He knew what he really needed, but he was also not an idiot. He had sold out every dealer on the next four blocks. He’d been banned from bars, clubs, even low joints like the one down the street. No one would sell to him anymore. He had crossed the line, and there was no coming back.
But the truth didn’t fight the cravings. The undeniable hunger that sat in his stomach, in his bones, in his head.
He rubbed at his eyes, it was irritated and stung like hell.
“Loki?”
He didn’t react at first, and didn't grant a response either. He honestly thought it was just the wind and poor tricks of his mind.
“Loki!”
His eye might have been a little swollen, he was forced to squint because it took away a little bit of the pain. He looked in the direction of the opposite end of the long alley. All he could see was the rather large outline of a man. A man who knew his name, he sat there a moment before realizing that that was usually not a very good mix. He tried to jump to his feet, but his knee buckled and he toppled to the ground again. It didn’t help that he was still perhaps a little drunk, fighting off a fever, and in great need of a fix.
He bounced the side of his head off of the ground as he fell. There was a high pitched whistle that bombarded his ears, his vision went dark for just a moment or two, but he could hear these thunderous thuds coming towards him. It might have been another few minutes before he came too, but he was lying on his back staring up at the dark sky again. He noticed the hand on his chest before he noticed the man kneeling next to him.
He shifted in an attempt to move, in his head it was clear. ‘Jump to your feet and run away’. Yeah, a little harder to do in real life.
The man put just an ounce of pressure on his chest and he felt like it was concaving altogether. He wheezed, his hands finding the man's wrist, trying to push him away.
“Loki, knock it off!” The pressure only grew, “Will you fucking look at me?” The agitation in the man's voice was a little familiar. “God, you look awful.” He heard him mutter.
Loki managed to sit up slowly, as the man let up on the ‘one hand restraint’. Loki stared at the man for a moment, and with each second that passed by the man’s face continued to change. First he was pissed, then a little less irritated, which slowly faded into confusion, which was now a mix between shock and sadness.
“Loki,” He said quietly, “Do you even know me?”
They studied one another’s faces for a very long time. Each scanning over every inch of the other. The man slowly began to shake his head. Loki noticed a few tears slip out from one of his eyes but he quickly wiped it away as he stood. He stood over Loki, not giving him a second to react before he slid in his hands under Loki’s arms and picked him up off the ground and got his feet steady. Loki stood there a moment looking down at the ground, it was like he was on a ladder, or an edge of a building. The ground seemed so out of proportion.
He felt the weight of the man’s hand on his shoulder, it never once let up as they began to walk down the alley and out onto the sidewalk.
“Do you live around here?” Loki glanced at him, nothing behind his eyes whatsoever. The man huffed, his grip tightening just a little out of pure annoyance. “Odin’s beard, Loki, I can’t believe you! I am so fucking- Norns- Angry! I thought you were better than this? I thought I could trust you.” He whispered that last part, but Loki still heard it. He wasn’t exactly sure who he was talking to, he knew he felt familiar, he just couldn’t quite place him. He did know there was a pang in his chest that he could only relate to guilt.
They didn’t make it a block until Loki’s lasting adrenaline wore off and the pain and the itching kicked in. He scratched at his arms endlessly, and the man paid close attention to the limp that suddenly appeared.
“Norns, Loki, you look like shit.” Loki glanced his way, his nails still digging into the flesh on his arm. “Are you on something right now?” The anger in his voice is building again like before. He stopped himself from saying anything else. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he sighed harshly. Loki blacked out the rest, or he thought he did. He didn’t quite remember much other than when he woke up inside a small apartment, or well, a hotel room.
Loki blinked slowly, his eyes still burned and the back of his head ached. He stared up at the blank ceiling, foggly remembering the sight of the sky. His body currently felt like he had been hit with a truck, or attacked by a bilgesnipe. He was laying in a bed, on top of the stiff blankets. He slowly sat up, it was a minute or two before the room finally stopped spinning. There was a foul taste in his mouth and a cramping in his belly. He clenched a hand over it, feeling the twist and knots. He groaned, leaning forward into his knees. He rested his feverish forehead against his knees for a long time. The pain subsided only a bit, but it was enough for him to finally take a look around. The room was clean, but it was cheap. From the glimpse of the city he could see through the slit in the curtain he could tell he was further north into the city. Further than he had ever been before.
The memories before all of this were foggy. Only fuzzy and out of focus images. He didn’t feel endangered, per say, but he also knew there was no point in running. He only assumed the guy was close by. Loki was fairly certain he would not be making it far. He doubted he could even stand on his own.
The door into what he assumed was the bathroom opened, and Loki jumped at the sudden sound. The man had a towel in his hands as he rounded the corner, he halted at the edge and stared right back at Loki in the same fashion.
“Thor?” Loki muttered under his breath.
“Oh, now you recognize me? Finally coming down, are we?” He moved over to the small kitchen area, moving the pot off of the stove to pour into a small mug.
“How did…When- Where did you…” Loki wasn’t capable of completing a full sentence thought. He muttered through a few more attempts, but never came close to being comprehensible. He held his head in his hands, it was pounding again. He heard Thor sigh as he finished pouring two cups of tea. He walked over to the bed, handing the cup to Loki. He studied it for a moment before wrapping his long bony fingers around the mug.
Thor stood there, a disgusted frown forming on his lips as he watched his brother sip on the cup of tea. Thor pulled a chair from the corner closer to the edge of the bed. He took a seat as he continued to examine his brother.
Loki was thin, there was no other way to see it. He looked ill, and sickly. He was far too pale, almost a blue-ish tint (and not in a good way). His clothes were dirty, as was he. His hair was a matted mess, tangled with dirt, blood, and what Thor could only assume was vomit. He smelled absolutely horrible.
Thor shook his head as he took a sip from his own tea.
“How long have you…Been here?” Thor looked up to see Loki’s wide and bloodshot eyes.
“A couple weeks. I’ve been renting this place while I looked for you.” Thor answered, taking another sip. “What have you been doing?”
Loki’s eyes immediately jumped to something else in the room, he was antsy, jittery. All the signs pointing to what Thor already knew.
“Nothing.” Loki quipped, chewing on the inside of his cheek. Thor nodded, swirling the contents of his cup around the walls of the mug.
“So what about our deal, Loki?” He glanced up at Thor for a moment, but quickly averted his eyes. He stammered some, his words trailing off. Thor shook his head, “Let me remind you,” Thor placed his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward, “I let you out of prison, you stay straight. Which means, you get a job, you get a house, you support yourself, so I don’t have to worry about you.”
“You don’t have-”
“Yes I do!” He didn’t mean to throw the glass, but it slipped out of his hands and hit the wall across the room before he knew what happened. He was standing now, his fist clenching closed at his sides. Loki was shivering below him, Thor didn’t know what the exact cause was. Maybe he was cold, scared, or better yet, just another symptom. Thor took a deep breath, trying to stop his hands from shaking out of uncontrollable rage.
“Are you hungry?” He asked in the most level voice he was capable of at the moment. “When was the last time you ate?” Thor felt like a mother, doting on a misbehaving child.
“I don’t know.” Loki answered, his voice barely audible, “I can’t remember.”
Thor sighed, moving over to the fridge, going through the contents. “You need a bath, or something. You smell awful, Loki.” Thor said with his head stuck in the fridge. He looked over his shoulder just in time to see Loki pulling at the collar of his own shirt to sniff himself. “Come on,” Thor said after a second. He guided Loki to the bathroom, holding onto his elbow firmly. He started the bath water, Loki had collapsed onto the toilet seat, his legs too weak to do anything other than sit. Thor ran his hand under the water, testing to see if it was just right. He knew Loki had sensitive skin, although he didn’t know what it really mattered. That so-called sensitive skin was currently lathered in layers of dirt and filth.
“Alright, get in.” Thor said, standing from his kneeling position. Loki remained, however, sitting on the toilet. His fingers fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. Thor didn’t bother asking again, he only walked forward grabbing the bottom of Loki’s shirt for him, and tugged it up carefully. Loki didn’t necessarily resist, but Thor could tell he was uncomfortable. Thor tossed the garment to the floor. Loki's arms clung to his torso tightly.
Thor was right, he was far too skinny.
Not much else was said between the two. Thor helped Loki get fully undressed and lowered into the tub, he then left the door cracked and returned to the mission in the kitchen. Thor himself realized that he hadn’t eaten much either the past couple of days. He was so busy trying to search for Loki that he might have gotten a bit distracted. He decided on ordering something, the alien city had a lot to offer, multiple things that Thor had never even heard of before.
He was a bit nervous however when he learned they didn’t deliver to the rooms, so he would have to go down into the lobby to retrieve their dinner. He thought it would be best if he didn’t tell Loki at all. If his little snake of a brother knew he had left the room he would slither out the window for sure, but even if there was a slim chance that Thor was still on the other side of that wall- well Loki was going to stay put. Thor was sure to hurry, he didn’t bother with the elevator, the thing was too slow anyway.
He raced down the stairs and sprinted back up with bags of food in hand. He was breathing somewhat heavily when he reached his apartment door again, but he tried to cover it. He walked in, taking the food to the small table. It took him a few seconds to notice the lack of running water.
Thor spun around on his heels barging into the bathroom, where he halted in the doorway. The tub was in the process of draining, there was a stained rim of muddy water, and it almost made Thor gag. It would have if his eyes weren’t focused on other things. Loki was currently heaving into the toilet, a towel wrapped around his waist. The bumps in his spine showed as he was hunched over. Thor could count them if he wanted to. Thor sighed, his arms falling to his sides as he sauntered over. He knelt down, collecting Loki’s hair and holding it back out of his face. Now that he was clean, Thor could finally assess the damage.
Loki was bruised, and clearly battered. His eye was definitely infected, it was still bloodshot and swollen. The side of his face scraped up, still seeping out tiny trails of blood. His nose had been broken, hard time telling when. He had rashes, and breakouts of sores and bumps, his arms and neck had been scratched to hell. Loki coughed violently, blood dripping off his lip into the bowl, other splattered dots made their way out as well. Thor winced as he continued.
It lasted almost an hour. Loki would dry heave, maybe spit up some vile or stomach acid, then some blood when he got into a big enough coughing fit. Then eventually he would calm down for a few minutes or so, then it would all start back up again. Just an endless vicious cycle. Thor had this large mass in his chest just weighing him down. He knew it was a fistful of guilt, but he couldn’t shake it no matter how hard he tried. He hated how pitiful Loki looked. Slumped over the edge of the toilet, his eyelids heavy from exhaustion.
Thor waited another five minutes without any coughing or huffing from Loki whatsoever before he tried to help him up.
“Alright, let’s go- Up on your feet.” Thor huffed, basically picking Loki up effortlessly. Loki plopped down on the bed after he had gotten dressed, with Thor’s assistance obviously.
Thor picked at his food, and watched Loki do the same. Thor shook his head, putting his take out to the side on the table.
“Loki, you have to tell me the truth.” Loki looked up at him with wide eyes, Thor leaned forward an inch, “What have you been taking?”
Loki didn’t answer, his mind was too bothered by the increasingly overwhelming urge to scratch the hell out of his arms. They burned and stung, they felt as though little bugs were crawling underneath the layer of his skin. He wiggled in his seat, his teeth biting into his lip until it drew blood. They were already busted and chapped.
“Loki, answer me.” Thor added sternly.
“I don’t know.” Loki spat out quickly. His nails found their way to his forearm where he began to scratch slowly. “I just take what they give me, I don’t know what it is.”
Thor’s entire demeanor deflated. His shoulders fell, and he released a heavy breath. He held his head in his hands as the silent moments passed. Loki kept his eyes focused on Thor, his nails slipping further under the sleeve of his sweater to dig in his skin. Thor stood abruptly, taking his leftovers to the trash.
“You’re coming back with me to Earth.” Thor declared.
“What? No, Thor, seriously I’m-”
“Don’t you dare fucking say fine!” Thor roared as he turned back around, a finger pointing in Loki’s face. “You’re homeless, Loki. You haven’t eaten, you haven’t showered. You look awful. You’re thin, and most of all, you are sick.” Thor straightened a little as he rubbed his lips together as he tried to reel in his anger. “I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but I didn’t want you to feel like I was breathing down your neck. You didn’t want to live on Earth, and I can understand that. So, I let you go, but we had a deal.” Thor reminded him again.
Loki fidgeted with his hands in a manner he had learned from their mother.
“You were supposed to write, call, let me know that you were alright. It’s been six months, Loki. Six! And you’re already…” Thor trailed off, his hand coming up to rub the tears off of his face. He shook his head before continuing, “I’m tired of having to worry about you, Loki. And don’t say that I don’t have to, because I do. Okay, I’m the only one left who does. You realize that, don’t you?” Thor was kneeling in front of his younger brother now. Loki avoided eye contact like it was the plague, but it was challenging because Thor shifted to stay in Loki’s line of sight no matter where he looked. Loki’s lip quivered as Thor ranted, his eyes burned more than usual.
“Answer me, Loki! You realize that I’m the only one left alive that gives a shit about you, don’t you?” Thor pushed Loki’s chest with a firm finger. Loki choked on a sob, but he pushed Thor’s chest away weakly as he stood.
“Yeah, I understand that, Thor! Of course I fucking do!” Loki clawed at his eyes as he shuffled a couple of steps away from Thor.
“And what- You don’t care? I shouldn’t be surprised-” Thor scoffed, throwing his hands up. Loki whipped back around, his sleeves bunched up at his elbows revealing the long bright red scratch marks along his pale skin. The picked at scabs and sores reopened by his nails, the tiny bruised holes that were marked by countless needles.
“Oh, fuck off, Thor!” The said God of thunder took an abrupt step back as Loki spat in his face, “You don’t get to act like your my savior, like you have ever given a shit about me before- This is the first time you have ever actually showed your ‘concern’. So kindly get off your high fucking horse, Thor, and leave me alone.” Loki’s breathing was rough, his ribs hurt with every inhale he tried to attempt.
“Loki,” Thor said softly, “I’ve always cared-”
“Yeah?” Loki’s smile made Thor nauseous, “Then where the hell were you?”
“Brother-”
“I have needed you more times in the past ten years than I ever have in our entire lives.” His tone was wet and painful, his voice growling along his throat as he spat the words. “You think you are some kind of hero? Well I needed to be saved, Thor. I prayed for you to save me. I begged for you to come and rescue me from the hell I was trapped in and you never came.” Loki stabbed Thor’s chest with his finger. “I needed you,” Loki growled through gritted teeth, his jaw clenched tight, and his eyes burned with unfallen tears. “I was lost, and alone! I was abandoned, and hurt- and I needed you! I needed your help, I needed my brother!”
The room fell silent, apart from Loki’s harsh panting.
“Loki, I-” Thor tried again, but the words were stuck in his throat.
Loki sucked in a breath loudly, wiping his nose on his sleeve, “You don’t get to save me. Not anymore - Not now. I don’t want it- I don’t need it.” Loki shook his head, backing away from his brother as Thor tried to reach for him.
“No, wait, Loki, let’s figure this out. Talk to me, we can just talk-” Thor begged. “Can’t you see that you are killing yourself?”
“Good.”
Thor stilled, his stomach dropping, “No, no, Loki. You- You don’t mean that.” He shook his head, refusing to listen to his brother.
Loki's hands trembled violently at his sides, “Just let me die in peace, Thor.”
“Loki, come on. Brother, please-”
“It was nice seeing you again.” Loki mumbled, grabbing his ragged and dirty jacket from off of the back of the chair.
Thor hurried after his brother, stepping in front of him to block the door. His hands plastered to each wall, “No, please, Loki, I can’t let you go. Let me make this right-”
“Why?” Loki asked, “So you’ll be able to sleep at night? Do you want to make it right for my sake, or your own?”
“I…” Thor’s voice died out.
Loki swallowed thickly, nodding slightly, his eyes glued to the floor before they flickered up at his brother one last time.
“Goodbye, Thor.” Loki elbowed Thor’s side, nudging him out of the way.
“Wait, Loki, no,” He whined, but didn’t try to fight with his brother anymore. The sound of the door echoed through the room. Thor stood by himself, his fists clenched at his sides. He bit his lip, closing his eyes tightly as he fought against the tears that threatened to spill.
***
4 MONTHS LATER
Loki gasped, the dirty air filling his lungs once more. His eyes were slow to open, they were heavy and his vision blurry.
He blinked slowly, his head bobbed as he began to droop forward. He gasped again, forcing himself to lean back against the wall. His eyes scanned the room lazily.
The dirt, trash, and vomit that littered the floor didn’t seem to surprise him. He tilted his head to the side, eyeing the motionless body on the ratted mattress a few feet away. Their eyes were open wide and glazed over, their jaw slacked as their tongue fell out of their mouth.
Loki cringed, turning his head. The smell began to burn his senses now that he was finally waking up.
He flexed his hands, clenching his fists trying to wake up his muscles. His left arm cooperated way more than his right, which still laid stiffly beside him. He managed to drag his left hand down his face, rubbing at his sore eyes.
He looked to his side, his arm nasty with sores, scabs, and puncture wounds from numerous needles. His skin was bruised black and littered with spots that would probably never completely fade.
He groaned, letting his head fall back against the wall.
He needed to get up.
He needed to get the hell out of here.
He needed to get clean-
He shook the thought away as fast as it came.
He braced himself, pushing himself up against the wall. He stood on unsteady feet, swaying back and forth as he tried to get his bearings.
Loki had been having these thoughts creep into his mind every once in a while these past few months - always in moments like these - when he’s coming down, when he’s on the break of sobriety - when he has a moment of clarity.
Usually, he quickly stifles the ideas before they have a chance to take root. He usually opts for the closest thing he can find - drugs, alcohol, sex - he looks around the room.
His choices were very limited.
He knew he didn’t have anything else on him. He didn’t remember much from last night…. Or the past few weeks - but he knew himself. He wouldn’t leave anything extra for anyone else to take or steal.
He huffed, his stomach twisting as he looked to the body that was already beginning to rot a few feet away. He swallowed thickly as he approached, he didn’t think the smell could get any worse - but he was quickly proven wrong. He searched quickly, finding a small baggie of a powdered substance in their pocket. Loki didn’t take very long to mull it over - or even a second really.
He walked down the halls of whatever abandoned dump he’s winded up in this time. He turned into the first bathroom he saw. He lined the powder on the sink, already anticipating the relief he’s going to be overwhelmed with in a few seconds when his eyes flickered up to the mirror.
He stared at himself for a long time, not recognizing the man in front of him.
Loki really didn’t know why this had taken him by such surprise. He knew what he was doing to himself, he wasn’t stupid - or naive. He knew the effects, the consequences… But maybe there was a part of him that told him to ignore all of it- because he was a God. Even though he couldn’t remember the last couple of months clearly, even though he just stole drugs off of a corpse, even though he couldn’t recall the last time he ate, slept, or showered, even though he woke up in the same hell hole as all of the other junkies - he wasn’t like them.
He was better than them. And some voice inside his head convinced him that this wouldn't happen to him - that no matter what, he wouldn't be consumed.
But here he stood, staring at his reflection in the broken and dirty mirror, knowing full well that that voice had lied.
He turned his face to the side, and then the other.
What did he do to himself?
He could hear his mother’s voice whispering in his ear, “You always were a handsome boy.” If she was here, he didn’t think she would say those words.
How could she, when he looked like this?
He had scabs and blemishes, dark spots from old sores, he had more lines on his face then a man his age should. His eyes were sunken in, and his cheekbones far too prominent.
He sighed, his eyes falling down to the lines he had made on the sink.
He had a long history of fucking up - but he knew he really did it this time.
The thing that made this particular fuck-up so monumental was that he didn’t see a way out of this one.
And that terrified him.
***
Thor drank his coffee at his kitchen table. He read over the reports from the last meeting, he didn’t necessarily understand all of the numbers, but he thought he got the gist.
He huffed, setting the folder aside. He sat back in his chair, the silence of his small home almost becoming unbearable.
He quickly discovered that that is what he hates most about living on his own and away from other people. In the palace, the halls were always bustling with waitstaff or noblemen. He could always venture down to the feast hall whenever he felt like it.
Now, since coming to Earth, he found that is one of the things he misses about Asgard. Here, he didn’t feel as connected. Sure, he usually spent his days out and about, he was able to fight off the crippling weight of loneliness that way - but that was especially hard to do on days like these.
He looked towards the window. Days when he was snowed in and his house and the village stood silent in the cold winter wind.
He sighed, he guessed he really was a people person.
Thor just about choked on his coffee when he heard an unexpected knock on his door. He waited a moment, trying to decide whether or not it was the wind. Because there was no way in Hel that someone had managed it out in this storm. Thor made his way to the door, his mind plagued with worrisome thoughts. Something must seriously be wrong for someone to risk it out in this weather.
Thor opened the door, bracing himself against the cold wind. He felt his stomach drop before his mind actually registered who was standing there - or well - who was walking away.
“Loki?” He said, almost in disbelief.
The young god froze just near the porch steps. He turned around slowly, his eyes not quite reaching Thor’s.
“I’m sorry, I was just-” Loki scratched the back of his neck, “Well, I didn’t know if-” He stammered along. He eventually bit his tongue, trying to turn swiftly on his heel once more, “Nevermind. I’m sorry I bothered you.”
“Wait, Loki!” Thor reached out for him, stepping out onto his ice covered porch, his feet began burning immediately. He winced, stepping back inside, “Loki,” He said calmly, “Please come inside.” Loki turned to him again. “I know it probably doesn’t bother you all that much, but it’s freezing.” It was Thor’s light smile that caught Loki the most off guard.
He swallowed thickly, ducking his head as he took his brother’s invitation. He walked past Thor, into the small home. It was the first time Loki had visited New Asgard, he couldn’t really tell very much about the place due to all of the snow and harsh winds, but he could tell they’ve made a lot of progress just in the year that they’ve had.
A year… that’s right… he’s managed to fuck up his entire life in just one year…
He shook his head, “I’m sorry, Thor, seriously, I shouldn’t have come, it was a mistake-”
“Why did you?”
Loki looked up. Thor was still standing in front of the door, and something told Loki that he was not going to be able to leave as easily as he did last time.
“Well, I-” Loki’s eyes searched the ground, “Well, I think… I think I need help, Thor.”
Thor tried to swallow the lump growing in his throat, and to ignore the burning in his eyes as best as possible, “And you are willing to let me help you?”
Loki nodded slightly, his nails picking at his palms, “I mean, that- that is if you still want to.” He muttered, “I would understand if-”
“Brother,” Thor sounded so desperate, it was something Loki didn’t like hearing in his older brother’s voice, “Why would you think I wouldn’t want to help you?” Thor approached Loki, placing a gentle hand on the younger god’s shoulder.
“Well, last time…” Loki trailed off, “Well, I think I said some things. I - I can’t really remember, but I know that-”
“Loki, I will always be here for you.” The younger god’s breath hitched, his eyes finally coming up to meet his brother’s. “I know the last time we saw each other it… well, it could have gone better.” Thor smiled softly, which helped relieve some of Loki’s nerves, “I shouldn’t have been trying to force you to recover, I know that wasn’t the right way to go about things, but I-” He trailed off, his grip on Loki’s shoulder unconsciously tightened.
“You were just worried, Thor.” Loki whispered, his head ducking down again as he felt his eyes begin to burn. “I should have let you help me then. I’m so stupid-” He choked on a sob, his hands coming up to cover his face. He hated this. He hated all of this - standing in front of his brother, a complete and utter mess - a failure - a disappointment.
But this is what he had to do, right? This is what he was meant to do. He knew asking for help would be hard - but fuck he really underestimated the emotional toll this would have on him.
He knew part of it was probably due to the drugs, and the withdrawal symptoms starting to kick in. But knowing the cause didn’t make it any easier to deal with.
“You’re not stupid, Loki,” Thor said softly, gently removing Loki’s hands from his face. “You’re just lost.”
Loki nodded slightly, sniffling roughly as he tried to force the tears to stop.
“Come on,” Thor put his hand on his back, guiding him down the hall, “Let’s get you something to eat.”
***
Thor looked over his shoulder periodically while he stood at the stove making Loki’s breakfast. He needed to make sure his brother didn’t bolt, or sneak off while he had his back turned.
He wanted to support his brother wholeheartedly, he wanted to believe that he was truly ready to get clean - but there was this voice in the back of his head that told him not to let Loki out of his sight.
What if he was just tricking him? He’s done it so many times in their past, it was safe to say that Thor wouldn’t necessarily be surprised. Loki could just be here to steal something, pawn it off at the nearest shop so he could buy more drugs- Thor bit his tongue.
He shouldn’t think that way. His brother was here - asking for his help. He should be thanking the norns that Loki has finally come to his senses, but yet… he still couldn’t help but feel skeptical.
He slid the eggs off of the skillet and onto Loki’s plate. He grabbed the toast from the toaster and sat the food down in front of his brother.
Loki looked at it for a moment, while Thor leaned against the counter, crossing his arms as he stood across from his brother.
Loki swallowed thickly.
He didn’t think he could eat this. He knew he should probably be starving, he honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’s had an actual meal. But his stomach was a mess - it twisted and turned with uncomfortable knots. He knew it was a build up of a lot of things… Not eating, nausea brought on by withdrawals, anxiety…
He didn’t want to be rude. Thor didn’t have to cook him anything, he didn’t have to offer him support, hell - he didn’t have to invite him inside…
Loki didn’t deserve any of this.
Honestly, what has he done to earn this? Nothing.
“You don’t have to eat it all, Loki.” He sucked in a sharp breath, clearly too deep into his thoughts to realize Thor had taken a seat in front of him.
Loki nodded, “Right, sorry.” He muttered, hesitantly reaching for a piece of toast.
Thor watched his thin hands shake uncontrollably. Either Loki had become accustomed to it, didn’t notice, or was choosing to ignore the tremors.
Thor couldn’t ignore them, however. He couldn’t ignore any of it.
When he had found his brother a few months ago, Thor thought he had caught him at his worst. He didn’t think it was possible for his brother to fall any lower, but here he sat in front of him somehow looking far worse than he did the last time Thor saw him.
“Loki,” Thor sighed, letting his hands fall to the table, “If I ask you questions, will you answer them honestly?”
Loki had taken a couple of bites from his toast, but once Thor had asked that - he had lost his appetite. He set the piece of toast down, nodding as he wiped his mouth with his sleeve.
It was quiet for a moment, like Thor was preparing his list of questions in his head. It only made Loki more agitated the longer they sat there in silence.
“When did it start?” Thor asked in a low voice, it was so uncharacteristic of him. Loki still thought of him as the loud obnoxious blond that went in head first, hammer swinging, punch first, ask questions later… But that wasn’t him anymore. Thor had matured, a lot. He was a king now, a ruler, a leader.
Loki knew that if his old self could see him now - well he would be thoroughly disgusted.
Loki thought to himself.
It wasn’t that complicated of a question, but there were a few different answers he could give him that would technically all be correct.
After his fall from the bridge, and his stint with the Mad Titan, he became no stranger to pain. He would admit that he had become a little too reliant on painkillers to mask his injuries. When he was locked away in the dungeons, he experienced his first round of withdrawals. At the time, it seemed like hell - he was much more well versed in the subject now however.
Loki decided to go with the more recent and probably most accurate answer, “On Sakaar.”
Thor thought back to their time on the dreaded alien planet. At the time, he didn’t notice any offsets in his brother’s behavior that would give reason for suspicion, but now that he knew what to look for - He felt ashamed he didn’t realize the signs sooner.
He could recall his brother always having a drink in his hand, and even despite their predicament Loki had seemed much more energetic and well - erratic. Thor remembered times where he would watch his brother’s mood shift at a drop of a dime. He would turn into a completely different person in a matter of seconds. He was always sweating, and his knees or hands were always shaking.
Norns - why didn’t he say anything then?
“What… What made you start?”
Loki was quiet for a minute or two.
“I was just… I was there for weeks before you showed up, and I… well I guess I was grieving a little bit, although I don’t want to admit it.” He said a little bitter, “Odin had just died, I had no idea if you were even still…” He trailed off, taking a sharp breath, straightening up in his chair, “And I was on a foreign planet - had no idea where I was or how to get home… The Grandmaster offered me things, at the time I convinced myself that I was just doing what I had to do to stay alive. He would have killed me if I refused or rejected his offer.. But after a while, I was doing it because I wanted to.”
Thor nodded, rubbing his knuckles against his lips as he sat in thought.
“What about after that?” Thor thought back to their time on the statesmen, during their journey to Earth, before they had made their deal.
“I didn’t have anything on the ship, well, I guess except for booze. Which I guess I went a little heavy with in an attempt to drown the other symptoms.” He chuckled awkwardly, the dry laugh died in the back of his throat.
Thor remembered Loki spending too much time at the bar. Between him and Valkyrie, they nearly drank the ship dry in a matter of days.
The pit in Thor’s stomach was only growing. He felt like it was all too obvious. Why did he agree to send his brother off on his own? It was plain as day, right in front of his face - his brother was in no state to be on his own - and Thor, dull as ever, didn’t notice a thing.
He sighed, holding his head in his hands.
“I -” He heard Loki mutter, “I really did try.” He said, Thor brought his head back up, “At first, I mean. I really did try to do all of the right things. I had my own place for a little bit, I got a job, I was…” Thor noticed the blush on his brother’s cheeks creep up beneath the scars and blemishes, “I - I was seeing someone for a while, but I…” He deflated, “I ruined everything. I lost everything.”
He shook his head.
“I didn’t mean to do this, Thor.”
“Loki, I know-”
“No, no, I mean-” He dug his nails into his scalp as he bit his tongue, “I didn’t think this would happen. I didn’t think it would get this bad, I thought I had things under control. I thought I could handle it. I - I thought I-” He covered his face again, his palms digging into his eyes, “Shit, I’m such a fucking idiot,” He hissed under his breath.
“Loki, come on,” Thor reached for his hand across the table, “Look, you could spend forever regretting the past, but there’s nothing else you can do about it. You made mistakes, you have regrets, everybody does. The only thing you can do now is keep moving forward.”
Loki sniffled, wiping his dirty sleeves across his face as he straightened up again.
Thor sat back again, slowly retreating his hand.
“So,” He started, “What are you thinking?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you want to get help, but are you going to fight me if I try to take you to rehab.” Thor crossed his arms over his chest.
Loki shook his head, “No, no rehab-”
Thor’s shoulders fell, “Loki,” He groaned aggravatedly.
“I can’t, Thor. I can’t - I can’t be locked in another place. Trapped in a room for hours.”
“Loki, it won’t be like that-”
“I don’t care. I can’t do it again.”
Thor didn’t like seeing the look of panic and fear consume his brother’s eyes.
“Okay,” He said calmly, leaning back, “Okay, so you’ll stay here. But if you do that, you’re going to have rules, Loki.”
His little brother was already nodding along, “I know, I know.”
“You’re not just going to do whatever you want. You are going to get better, I am going to make sure of that, okay? We’re in this together.” Loki looked up at him, Thor looked like he was holding something else in. He sighed, his shoulders slumping, “Loki, I don’t know if you remember it or not, but you told me you didn’t want me to save you, because I wasn’t there for you before… I’m sorry brother, I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, I - I didn’t know - I-”
“Thor, stop,” Loki held his head in his hands, “It- It wasn’t your fault. It was wrong for me to throw that in your face. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But I could have helped you sooner - I could have prevented all of this. On Sakaar, on board the ship - I shouldn’t have let you go. I should have realized something was wrong, it’s my fault-”
“Thor, seriously, stop it!” Loki ignored the burning in his arms, and the overwhelming desire to scratch them until they bled, “None of this is your fault, it’s mine. I made mistakes, I made bad decisions, I did all of this to myself. You had nothing to do with it.” Loki ran his nails through his tangled hair, “But I do need your help now, so just focus on that.”
Thor smiled softly, trying to swallow down his guilt.
He looked to his brother’s practically untouched plate, “You need to eat some more.” He watched how Loki inwardly groaned, “Just a few more bites. You’re too skinny, Loki. It’s worrying.”
Loki sighed, picking up his abandoned piece of toast once more.
***
Loki stood in front of the mirror, the bathroom door remaining cracked on Thor’s orders. Loki should get used to this, he shouldn’t expect his brother to completely trust him, hell - he doesn’t blame him, he has plenty of reason to suspect..
Loki sighed, splashing his face with cold water once more. He had tried to clean himself up before getting here - keyword, tried. All he had was a port station bathroom to work with. He scrubbed his face and hands in the sink, but that’s all he was able to do at the time.
He had been able to clean himself more properly here in Thor’s bathroom. Considering his brother said he wouldn’t be allowed on any of the furniture until he took a shower - it didn’t really leave Loki with much of an option.
His hair was still a tangled mess - but it was now a clean tangled mess.
He thought a shower would make him feel better, help make him feel like himself again, but he thought it might have just made matters worse. Without the dirt layering his skin, he was able to see the effects more clearly. Thor was right, he was way too skinny. He had always been thin, but now he lacked the lean muscle he used to always have. Now he was just skin and bones. Skin riddled with scars and sores.
He sighed, picking up the clothes graciously lended to him by Thor. They were going to be way too big for him, but he didn’t really care. Anything to get out of the shit he was wearing.
He ran the towel through his damp hair one last time before exiting the bathroom. He found Thor in the living room, his elbows digging into his knees as he sat in the recliner. Loki approached the couch cautiously. He didn’t like how quiet this house was, it was unsettling.
Loki sat down slowly.
“I have a couple more questions.” Thor said, Loki fidgeted with his hands, “When was the last time you took something?”
Say last night - A voice hissed in the back of his mind - lie, lie, lie, lie -
“A couple of hours ago,” Loki said with a hoarse voice, “At the station on my way here.”
He had been able to pass up the lines while in the abandoned building, but by the time he had gotten to the port to catch a ride to Earth, the desire was too strong to fight off.
Thor nodded.
“Do you have anything on you?”
Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie.
“Why didn’t you just go through my things while I was in the shower?” Loki didn’t mean to snap, he blamed it on his symptoms.
Thor sighed, “Because I want it to be your decision, Loki. I want you to trust me, just as much as I want to trust you.”
Loki dug his nails into his damp scalp, “I have something in my coat pocket.” He said through gritted teeth. He threw his hands down, “And a pack of cigarettes, but I’m keeping those. I’m not giving those up yet.”
Thor huffed, somewhat amused. He retrieved Loki’s coat from the back of the kitchen chair. He pulled out a half empty baggie, and a pack of cigarettes. He sat the pack on the table, turning to Loki.
“Come here.”
Loki pushed off of his knees. He watched his brother carefully as he approached. His mouth went dry when he saw the baggie in Thor’s grasp. His stomach started to cramp and his chest began to tighten. He wanted so bad to just snort the rest right then and there - why did he even fucking say anything, he’s such an idiot.
“Dump it.”
“What?” Loki said dumbly, not completely catching what Thor had just said.
“Dump it.” He repeated in a strong and clear voice.
Thor dropped the baggy into Loki’s shaky hands. The younger prince swallowed thickly as his feet shuffled towards the kitchen sink. His entire body was reacting against him - his muscles were freezing up, his legs were ignoring him, his hands had a mind of their own - He knew he didn’t want to do this. This was all he had left. If he had known it would be the last, he would have savored the small amount he did in the bathroom a little bit more.
For the duration of his walk from Thor to the sink, Loki held his breath. His chest was becoming worryingly tight.
He pinched the baggy open, his tongue felt strangely heavy in his mouth. He heard the voice in the back of his head start to hiss, but before it could get a word out - he dumped it, and immediately turned the faucet on. Washing all remnants down the drain.
Loki thought he would be filled with relief, but he was faced with quite the opposite. As he washed the water circle the drain, he realized he was really doing this. He was getting clean. Of course he had made the decision earlier this morning - and maybe it was just because he was finally coming down for real this time, and his mind was beginning to clear - but it was all now just settling in.
Loki flinched when a solid and heavy hand clapped in his back. He looked to see Thor smiling warmly.
“Good job, brother. I’m really proud of you.” He said, squeezing Loki’s shoulder, “I know that must have been hard, but you’ve already taken so many steps so far.”
All Loki was able to do was nod. He couldn’t get rid of the lump of anxiety suffocating his throat.
***