They had this argument before. Steve wanted him to be his partner in front of the team, their friends, and ultimately, the world. Tony, too cowardly to voice his insecurities aloud, acted like he wasn’t ready to commit and didn’t want Steve to behave as if they were a couple. It always circled back to this, triggered by a question from a reporter too close to the truth, a knowing glance from Natasha, or, like today, Steve asking what he should tell Bucky when he asked if he was seeing anyone.
“Of course you don’t want me to lie. Hell, you don’t want anything from me!” Steve's voice cracked; pain evident in every word. Tony didn’t know anymore what Steve wanted from him. This argument felt different from the others they’d had about this.
“No, I don’t.” He held Steve's gaze, searching his eyes for any flicker of the spark they once shared. Instead, he saw only resignation. Fuck, he knew that wasn’t the right thing to say. But what else could he say? He didn’t know how to make it all disappear like he had in the past, when Steve would just roll his eyes and let the matter drop. How could he make Steve see that it wasn’t about not wanting, but about not knowing how to cope with the fear that Steve would see him differently once the world started voicing their opinions?
“You are the one who wants—” he began.
“No. Not anymore. I don’t want anything from you.” Steve's face contorted into a stone-cold mask. “You always told me that you didn’t have a heart.” He shook his head slowly, a bitter smile twisting his lips. “I should have believed you.”
Tony’s chest tightened. Of course I have a heart. Can’t you see it breaking by the minute? he thought but didn’t say the words aloud. He watched as Steve turned away, his shoulders slumped in defeat.
He didn’t stop Steve from walking out of their bedroom, out of the door. Didn’t call after him and say the words Steve begged him to say so many times, words he was too afraid to voice. Steve just needed him to stay with him, to fight for them. He didn’t tell him that he wasn’t afraid to commit. Didn’t tell him that he loved him. Of course, he loved him.
Tony didn’t cry when the door shut behind Steve, even though he could feel the familiar burn in his eyes. The silence that followed was heavy with unspoken words and shattered hopes, engulfing him in a suffocating embrace.