Collateral Damage

Lake Oswego, Oregon

What a story Maria was stuck with now. Could what her father said to her really be true? Maria sat on the bed in the guest room of her aunt’s house as she held the yellow envelope against her body as she thought about the conversation she had with her dad. He didn’t deny when she asked about things he had done to do her as a child that she remembered, he just explained them from a different point of view. She still thought he was wrong for his reasoning, but she had to guess that he did have a point no one came after Maria and her mother for all these years. Her father had a lot of money and influence and he could if he wanted. Had he really been trying to help them? He made himself out like the victim, deprived of his family for ten years, a victim of her mother’s wild and erratic emotions and mental health issues.

If Maria opened this, and it was real, she was crossing a line of privacy and trust with her mother that she always had. Now Maria realized why she shouldn’t have gone to talk to her father alone. There was no one there to counter what he claimed. Maria was also sad in a different way. After not seeing each other for ten years, her father asked her no questions about herself. She thought he seemed happy to see her at first, and then it immediately went to a transactional nature and it felt so cold. It really gave her a chill as she thought about it.

Maria unwound the string that bound the yellow envelope and she pulled the lid open, there was a multi page typed report, and some handwritten notes. She felt sick to her stomach as she started to look over the pages. Did she betray her mother’s privacy and trust, or had everything she believed been a lie? She thought her father had made some good points, but at the same time she was confused by them. His arguments pulled at the heartstrings but did it make a lot of logical sense? This is why Maria wanted to see the evidence.

Reading over this medical evaluation and doctor’s notes was like a bombshell. The report alleged that Elizabeth was sexually assaulted in the military and later had an abortion from a pregnancy that stemmed from the attack. She had to keep working with her attacker for a long time and suffered from severe PTSD. The report alleged that Elizabeth had sometimes violent outbursts at her partner, Tom Walsh, that were from PTSD episodes. She had to be hospitalized multiple times and had wounds from incidents where Tom had to try and ‘defend himself and his daughter’ from the episodes. She sometimes hurt herself, she could be a danger to herself, and was claiming that Tom was abusing her and their minor daughter. The evaluation concluded that Elizabeth should be be committed for health study, medicated, and should not have unsupervised contact with her minor daughter until she was mentally stable and not ‘so easily triggered into hysterics.’ There was a whole section of the evaluation that noted how normal and clam Elizabeth was most of the time but that she had triggers that would come abruptly. It also detailed that separating Elizabeth and her minor daughter called Elizabeth a great deal of distress and had to be done very carefully and considerately.

Maria had moved to sitting on the floor as she turned and read every page of this awful document, her jaw was dropped and tears started forming in her eyes because it seemed so … official and favoring a reality that Maria could not believe existed.

“Maria…” there was a knock at the guest room door that slightly ajar and then her aunt Ellie pushed it open and she paused in surprise as she saw Maria reading something tearfully on the floor.

“What is that?” Ellie asked and Maria looked up and was completely frozen for a moment. That was the question wasn’t it, ‘what is this?’

“Well I know those aren’t college documents, apparently.” Ellie said in an identical tone to one Maria’s mother used.

“Why is everybody up in my business all the time now?” Maria tried to ask back with a laugh and change the subject, she was trying to cover her upset.

“Because you are a teenage girl, and teenage girls are notoriously up to no good.” Her aunt teased.

“You say that like you were one.” Maria snarked.

“Believe it or not Maria…”

“You weren’t just born at age 42?” Maria laughed and her aunt shook her head and rolled her eyes.

“Maria… what is it? What is going on?” Her aunt asked in a more authority style yet motherly tone as she came into the room and started to take the documents Maria were reading on the floor. Maria couldn’t suppress her emotional state much longer.

“Do you know anything about my dad?” Maria asked her aunt. “I looked him up on the internet and I found out some things about him.” This wasn’t a lie Maria had done this a number of times out of curiosity since she had such little memories about him. She did it again after the ‘book store incident’—which Maria maintained was not an incident but seemingly the events of today had proved her mother right.

“Oh. Is that what all this has been about?” Ellie raised a brow. Ellie was conflicted, it was hard for a child to be forced away from one of her parents, but given the situation, Ellie supported it, and was instrumental and making sure both Maria and Liz did get out of Chicago safely.

“When I was little, and we were leaving Chicago, I remember that we stayed with you, and I don’t know for sure if I dreamt it, but I think I went to come downstairs, I was sleeping in Sydney’s room and I woke up and I went to the stairs and I just was almost certain that I heard my mother play a tape for you of my dad saying things to her and he was really mad. They were really bad things that he said.” Maria started to explain and Ellie was quiet. “Was that real?” Maria asked and it was clear to her aunt she was struggling to remember because she was so young and that time was so traumatizing.

Ellie nodded very slowly as she wasn’t aware that Maria had known about the recording that Liz had made all those years ago. Her aunt nodded confidently that it was in fact very real.

“Yes. Your dad is not a good person. When I first met him, he was a friend of a friend from law school, he and your mom just hit it off so well. I thought he was very nice, smart, funny, handsome. He and your mom they just looked like a such happy, gorgeous young couple, and then things started happening that were off putting for me and even your mom. It was slow, there were small things, little things, it got worse and worse. And then you were born and things really changed.”

“It was my fault?” Maria asked.

“NO.” Ellie clarified. “You being born just changed the situation.”

“Why? If things weren’t right, why did she keep me?” Maria asked both agitated and emotional, she didn’t have to have Maria, she could have gotten away before it got bad.

“Because she wanted to.” Ellie defended Liz’s choice to have Maria … to Maria…

“Do you still have the tape?” Maria asked.

“I have a copy in case anything ever happened to your mom, or you, and one of my friends, another lawyer, she has a copy, just in case.”

“Can I hear it?”

Ellie was quiet for a moment and then she shook her head no.

“No, Maria.” Her aunt shook her head. “I don’t know that I should talk to you about these things. It’s not really my place.” Ellie pushed back.

“I can’t talk to my mom about it. I don’t know what to do.” Maria said alarmed and desperate.

“…Did your dad contact you?” Ellie asked because this seemed to be a more serious conversation than she was expecting and she could tell something was not right with Maria and Maria was just very quiet.

“I think I messed up…” Maria said emotionally as she started to cry from being overwhelmed.

Ellie took the documents and started to read them over and she looked stunned and offended.

“Maria, what is this and where did you get it?” she asked in a heavy tone.

“Is it true?” Maria asked tearfully.

Ellie pulled out the large contract, the non-disclosure agreement that Maria had and started to brush over it and she quickly looked over the medical evaluation.

“What the hell!” Ellie yelled loudly at the documents. “Maria, what is this, and where is it from?”

“I think … I messed up.” Maria repeated. She thought she was helping by keeping her mom at bay from her father’s arrival, now she was devastated from learning all of this. There was just so much she never knew.

“Maria, what happened!” Her aunt Ellie demanded.

Maria was quiet as she new this was going to cause a massive problem which was exactly what she didn’t want to happen.

“I saw my dad.”

“What! When?”

“Today.”

“Today!?” Her aunt repeated stunned.

“When I was supposed to be climbing, I ran into him when I was leaving the store, he was with a lawyer, they gave me their card and told me they wanted to talk to me.”

“Maria, you know, you know that if your father ever contacted you or if anything weird like that happens you have to tell your mother right away. You know that! You two JUST talked about it.”

“Yeah, I know… I went to call my mom when I got to the gym and I panicked, I didn’t want to upset her while she was away or make her leave, they need her to be at the event this weekend, it’s a really important one. I thought I could just tell him to go away and leave us alone.”

“You did not go to talk to him.” Ellie asked exasperated.

Maria made a face.

“Why didn’t you call me!?”

“I thought I could just get rid of him and she would never know.” Maria admitted. “I hate that we have to spend our life like this. I just thought if I went there, and the lawyer was there and he saw me tell him to leave us alone and never bother us again, that it would be enough. I don’t know. I thought I was being strong for my mom.” Maria started crying a bit. “I just thought I could handle it.”

“Why? You’re a child, he’s an adult man, a dangerous one.”

Maria nodded because her mom had been right on the money that something was afoot.

“When I got the lawyer’s office, they gave me this contract, they said I was 18 and legally able to sign it and that if I did I would never say that my dad did anything bad to me or my mom and that he always supported me. And then he said that they would add me into his will and that he would pay for my college, but I had to go back to using the name Maria Walsh. They told me he was running for federal office in Illinois and that they needed me to sign it to protect my mom. I got really mad and offended, and then I asked about all the awful things he did and he told me it wasn’t true, that I misunderstood what was happening because I was little kid and that my mom was hurt and needed mental health support because she was.. attacked in the military, and the things that I thought were him hitting her was just him defending himself from her outbursts and episodes of PTSD. I didn’t believe him and then he gave that report to prove he was right.”

Ellie sighed deeply and then groaned as she pressed the papers against her chest.

“He is a bad person, a very smart, very capable, very well connected and an extremely dangerous person.” Ellie warned.

“He’s using something from your mom’s history to change the story and make himself the victim, it’s cold, it’s calculated, it’s atrocious and appalling.”

“That really happened? To my mom?” Maria asked upset and Ellie nodded even though she knew she shouldn’t have.

“So how do you know what that report says isn’t true?”

“I know what’s true.” Ellie said confidently although she was red with anger and hate. This was so despicable, trying to trick your own daughter and make her complicit in the awful things he did to her mother. Ellie was fuming.

“He seized on an opportunity to give himself coverage, leverage, he’s probably lied about you and Liz for years. They just waved Liz off, said she was ‘crazy.’ Now they are lying about supporting you and want you to lie.” She shook her head.
“He said he couldn’t support me because he couldn’t find me.”

Ellie rolled her eyes so dramatically at that line Maria was stunned by it.

“If he wanted to support you then he should have kept his hands off you and your mom.”

Maria still looked very shell shocked.

“I have to go call your mom.”

“NO!” Maria yelled at her aunt.

“Maria, for the love of god, there is no world in where your mom doesn’t find out about this.” Ellie looked over the contract that her father had given his newly eighteen year old daughter and she scoffed at it. Being a lawyer herself, Ellie was so offended, this was wildly manipulative, she even questioned if it was legal.

“She cannot know!” Maria cried again but this time far more assertive.

“Maria stand up.” Her aunt pulled her up off the ground. “This man is manipulating you, he is guilting you, tricking you, he is bribing you, he is making you question your own life and reality for his own gain. If he gets you on his side he can malign your mother and lie about her. That’s what these wealthy white privileged men do, any time they do something wrong to a woman they point at the woman and go she’s crazy, I’m innocent, or I’m the victim. This tale is old as time, he just covered it up with more than words, and your mom has a right to know what he is doing to you and how he is trying to weaponize her past against her and you. She needs to know, this is about her safety too. Do you understand?” Ellie said authoritatively, this wasn’t the kind of thing you could sit around and wallow about.

“I’m so sorry.” Maria started to cry as she hugged her aunt thinking she was a much stronger person than she was, but her aunt was right, she was just an eighteen year old girl, still a child. She wasn’t anyone to take on her father and his well backed political machine.

It took one day for Liz to return from California. She went right to Ellie’s house to get her daughter. She was in a mix of rage, panic, and concern but she didn’t want either her or Maria back at their house if Tom was around. Ellie told Liz that she had to talk to Maria about the things that happened. Maria needed to know the real story, they needed to talk. Maria being in the dark about some of the past made her vulnerable to exploit by someone exactly like her dad, and it was clear he was willing to do it too.

Maria hugged her mother when she saw her and she was very emotional. She knew she had messed up in a very bad way. She never should have talked to her father alone. Liz heard Ellie’s version of the story and she talked to Maria on the phone briefly to make sure she was okay.

Maria and Liz sat on Ellie’s couch and Ellie left for them to have some privacy.

“Maria.” Liz started.

“I’m sorry.”

Liz just sighed. It wasn’t fair for Maria to forced into the middle of this. Liz had a lot of regrets about how she handled everything, but thing was, women died escaping men, the kids too. She never knew what could send this man over the edge. It certainly stunned her when the state of their relationship had changed so drastically. Liz felt trapped and she knew she had to get her and Maria out of that situation and keep them out of it.

“I told you what to do if this ever happened.”

“I know. I was doing it, I was calling you, but then, I just, I just thought I could help, I thought I could get him to go away and stay way and you would never know he was here.”

“Maria, that would never work.” Liz dismissed.

“He said he wanted to talk to me about my future, I didn’t know what that meant and I just.. you know… you have to be so brave all the time. There’s nobody who stands up for you.” Maria explained. She was so tired of her mother having to do everything for herself and for Maria. There was no one standing up to this man for her, her mother having to hide, sneak away, stay hidden. Maria hated it.

“I stand up for myself, Maria.”

Maria was quiet for a moment.

“That’s not enough.” She shook her head.

“Yes, it is. And if you stand up for yourself, the rest will follow, eventually. But you’re a child, you don’t stand up for me. I’m an adult.” Liz assured.

“Did it really happen, did someone assault you in the military?”

Liz nodded.

“It was a very very long time ago.”

“How does he even know?”

“You know, your father and I, we dated for a few years, actually, and things were normal, nice even. We got engaged and then a little while later, I found out I was pregnant with you.” Liz explained but Maria was confused why this was relevant to this story from years before.

“He didn’t want me to keep you, none of them did, his parents too, they said it was better to wait until after we were married. So, I told your dad, I couldn’t do that because I had to do it once before and I couldn’t do it again. Especially not now, you know you where you would come into the world and have everything, especially a whole happy, normal life and family. That’s all I ever wanted for myself, and if I could give that to you, why wouldn’t I? It wasn’t like the first time I got pregnant from being attacked, we were going to have kids anyway, you were just earlier than expected. So I told him what happened and why I was going to stay pregnant and have you. Then he let it go, but his father was really upset about it, he didn’t like the optics.

But you know, you were a really tough pregnancy, I almost lost you. It was scary, I started to have some fears maybe someone else was trying to get rid of you, there was so many complications. After the second scare when I was in hospital and they were checking things making sure everything was normal, your grandparents they both pressured me that I should just terminate the pregnancy because it was getting too dangerous for me. But then when I was talking to your father’s mother, your grandma Marie, I told her you were a girl, and I was going to fight for you and she lit up so happy. That whole family, it’s all men, just men down the line. After that, she started being nicer, happier, I didn’t hear anything else about it. I was on bed rest for weeks and she was so helpful and kind and excited for you. I barely saw your dad at all.”

“But you know, that whole world that family, it was so controlling. They control everything, how you looked, what you wore, where you could go, what you ate, when you could eat. It was all about image all the time. They controlled all the finances and money, I couldn’t even take you to McDonalds or the zoo in the summer without getting funds from them. They didn’t want me to work, and they would not stop pressuring me about getting married. Who knew that not being able to get married because of pregnancy complications actually saved us.” Liz sighed to herself.

“After I had you, I just got so wrapped up in it, and at first, to be honest, it was kind of nice to not make choices, or think for awhile, but it’s a trap.”

“It happened because you had me, because of me?”

“No. It would have happened no matter what.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I know more now, there were signs I didn’t understand or see before because I was young and naive and I didn’t know any better, but now when I look at everything in full view in context, I just know. Honestly, Maria, having you saved me.”
Maria shook her head no because she felt that was just fake pandering from a parent.

“You don’t have to baby me, I just want to be sorry.”

“Oh for god’s sake.” Liz sighed, she didn’t mean to react that way but she did not raise her daughter to have this self pity attitude, in fact this was very unlike the daughter she knew, but Maria was shocked from reading what she read about her mother’s past, she never knew any of that and she also felt conflicted and like she betrayed her mother for even thinking her father could have been telling the truth.

Maria looked surprise at that reaction.

“What?” Liz asked.

“I just didn’t know any of this and I feel like I hurt you for even looking at it for even considering what he said.”

“Maria, you didn’t know any better.”

“But, I did. I knew I was supposed to call you and I didn’t. I’m so dumb, I met with him and some guy I didn’t even know. I think about it right now and I’m so shocked that I did that, I thought I was smart and that was so dumb and dangerous.”

“Yeah.” Maria’s mom emphasized in the mostly motherly way ever which made Maria laugh a little to herself. “But you are a teenage girl who hadn’t seen her father in ten years.” Liz could understand it, the absence of him plus the curiosity, it had to get to Maria, it would get to any kid.

“I’m legal adult actually.” Maria emphasized, she was days away from graduating high school.

“Oh? Well, in that case then you’re an idiot.” Liz snarked and Maria laughed and gasped because she was stunned by that cutting response, but she didn’t know why Maria got all of snark and wit right from her mother.

“He says he’s running for office, the’s why he showed up with a contract.”

“Yeah, real classy, show up weeks after your child can sign a legal document just to advance your political career, he’s probably been waiting forever to do that.”

“He told me what I remembered wasn’t true and that you planted lies in my head. That I didn’t understand what was happening because I was so little. He said you were manic, had a disorder from trauma and that’s why you got in fights, and then he gave me that evaluation from the doctor that supported what he said to me.”

“I remember you were in the hospital.”

“Yes.”

“And you were really upset.”

“Mmhm and afraid.”

“And I remember there were times when I could not see you, or was kept from you.”

“Yep.” Liz acknowledged, it was a scary time for her.

She did fight off Maria’s dad a number of times, she wasn’t weak or unable to protect herself, but fighting him tended to make it worse for herself, and then he turned it all around on her, used the story she told him about being attacked on why she wanted to keep Maria, and tried to say his partner was attacking him. Liz was trapped, she had a dependent child and a very controlling family and then when he had marks and bruises on him from her defending herself he just turned right around on her and got the police and the doctors on his side. That’s what happened with the influential wealthy families. He often threatened to separate Liz and Maria and Liz knew he could do it. There was one incident that was really awful where Liz and Tom did fight, physically and Liz was even pushed down the stairs and she had to go the hospital— but he claimed she fell during the argument and he had marks on him to show it was a fight. In the hospital, a doctor evaluated her mental health and Tom told him about the attack years ago in the military and his story. The doctor bought it—it was a boys club, all male. The doctor even wanted her to be committed for a month or so for help and wondered if Liz was suitable to be around her own daughter. Tom held onto the evaluation as scare tactic to Liz. A threat that loomed over her all the time and that’s when she knew she really had to leave. She had wanted too many times, but she was rarely ever alone with Maria.

One of the things that really fueled the change in relationship between Liz and Tom, that escalated the abuse, was how likable and smart Liz was. She charmed a lot of people in his circle, he was the one destined to be a politician, lined up to follow a very specific story from his affluential family, yet he did not have the charisma or the quick with that Liz had. Liz was also very beautiful, she was blonde with blue eyes, tall and slender, athletic but still feminine enough not to ‘offend’ any of the types that would be up and arms about how a woman looked. She was also a veteran with a public policy degree and the number of people who told her she should be the one going after a political career was —- well… a lot. People said it to her constantly and she often upstaged her fiancee, unintentionally of course. One day Tom and Liz even talked about her future career and she did not rule out making a career for herself and even running for office. Tom was in a bind because having a charming, gorgeous, smart, veteran wife was a plus for his future, but not if she was a threat to him. Ironically, one of the reasons he liked Liz at first was because she was so different from the normal docile quiet women he knew or grew up with. She was just so out of his world that he was fascinated by it. Tom’s father of course… he was less impressed and Tom was also very driven by having his father’s approval all the time and living up to his expectations.

Liz also had an amazing backstory, both her and her sister Ellie did. Liz and Ellie were born to a young couple, their mother passed away unexpectedly, they were with their dad for awhile but he was unfit to parent and very grief stricken and they ended up being raised by their maternal grandparents. Liz and Ellie were only a year and a half apart and were super close. They were not wealthy and both girls went into the military and then went to college, Ellie ended up becoming a lawyer, Liz didn’t really know what she wanted to do but she studied public policy. They both went to school in Chicago and that’s where Liz and Ellie ended up meeting Tom and his group of friends. Liz never would have thought having met him all those years ago that he would have been such a controlling, manipulative, violent person. It really shocked her at first. The first time he hit Liz he was so sorry, and apologetic, she didn’t even know what to do. A lot of times in the early stages of when things became physical against Liz, Tom would have a melt down, be emotional, beg for forgiveness, apologize, make it out like he was the victim. Eventually Liz started to defend herself, and things escalated drastically from there.

There was one time, where Tom hit Maria because she ‘roughed house too hard’ with the son of the ‘family friend.’ Maria had busted his lip open when they were playing cops and robbers, she was a young kid, maybe 7 at the time. After the family left — appalled at the injury on their son who was older than Maria, Tom grabbed her and hit Maria in the face, he yelled at her telling her to play more like a girl. Tom’s defense was that ‘it wasn’t very hard.’ Liz was furious, and as much as she was trying to navigate her own safety situation she had never thought it would trickle down to Maria, but then she knew that they had to leave. But the argument that stemmed from Tom hitting Maria was the one that put Liz in the hospital, so it became even more challenging because Tom got himself leverage to use against Liz if she did try to take Maria and leave. Liz had to be smart, strategic, and get herself and Maria away. He had the money, he had the community, he had the benefit of the doubt, and even a story to give him credibility. On top of that, he was insisting that they get married (finally) and have a few more kids.

Liz had done a lot to shield Maria from the realities of what she escaped, she did not talk about it very much with her, but she did explain to her many times that her father was not safe and that’s why they were leaving. Liz expected Tom and even police to come after her, kidnapping charges, who knew. But when she first left, Tom called Ellie immediately, he knew Liz was with her and he threatened both of them over the phone, demanding that Liz and Maria return. He called Ellie’s home about 1000 times, and Liz and Ellie ended up recording his threats and calls, getting evidence of their own. Ellie’s husband was ready to take out Tom real fast but Ellie was thousands of miles away from Chicago. Eventually, Liz and Tom talked again, he was more civil as he tried to figure out what to do, he was losing two major props for his career. Liz told him not to come after her, he told her to come back, everything was overblown, they could fix everything—- his tried and true tactic of manipulating her was to get her to feel sorry for him to turn the situation that he was the one who suffered. She didn’t fall for his act this time, she guilted herself terribly for falling for it multiple times before.

A rather shocking turn of events happened, Liz made herself unfindable, she moved over two thousand miles away from Chicago, in a small but well off town with amazing schools in Oregon. But she expected, she waited, she presumed the Walsh’s were coming, yet they never did, but Liz didn’t stop thinking about it.

It was Tom’s father who told him not to go after Liz and Maria. He also felt threatened by Liz, and he hated that they never got married. It drove him crazy, like her existence without marrying his son was tarnishing him. If anything, this could be a net positive and gave his son a chance to start over. It was simple enough, Liz and Tom separated and Maria lived with mom. No one had to know anything else and no one ever did for ten years.

“He can’t run for office, and all this stuff come out.” Maria huffed. “I think I should sign it, so it won’t.”

“No, Maria.” She shook her head. “If all this stuff comes out, it’s not going to go the way he thinks. I have a tape, I have photos.”

“And me…” Maria reminded and Liz nodded.

“Exactly, if he has any brains at all he will shove this idea under the rug, like he tried to do with us.” Liz rolled her eyes at herself. “And if he doesn’t he’s in for a rude awakening.”

“I don’t know, that girl on the news who as with the President.”

“Monica Lewinsky?” Liz asked, there had just been a major political scandal dominating the air waves for years. That girl had been barely older than Maria and it was has very hard to watch. “Yeah, they were awful to her, everyone was.” Liz nodded. “But, it won’t be like that.”

“What if I wanted to talk to him again?” Maria asked and Liz sighed.

“I don’t want you to do that, you should do that, please, do not do that. I will talk to him.”

“I don’t want you to do that.” Maria echoed her mother’s voice.

“Maria, I am your mother, I protect you, you do not protect me. You need to remember that.”

“I don’t want you to go near him because I want to make sure I will still have mother.” Maria clarified, she felt she had a right to be protective of her own mother, even if Liz didn’t think so.

“Yeah… but Maria, you’re not understanding, things are different now, he asked you to sign something to keep you quiet, that means he’s afraid of you, of us, it’s not the other way around anymore.” Liz pointed out and Maria festered for a moment thinking about it because her mom was right. He was the one who was afraid that they could blow up his entire future.