Chapter 5
"Hey, Harry.
He sounded like he'd been crying.
Look, I know things haven't been the best between us. I know you're mad at me. I just... I wanted to say I'm sorry.
Sorry for what? He hadn't done anything wrong. Not really.
I just-- gosh, why is this so hard to say? Just spit it out, right? Anyways. Harry, I'm sorry your dad died. I know you haven't wanted to hear it the last dozen times I tried to tell you but I really didn't mean for him to get hurt. I didn't-- I didn't know how it worked back then. I thought maybe he just needed help but he didn't want my help, Harry.
Do you remember that summer when-- sorry, this is random. You can-- shit. You can skip this part if you want. Just, uh. Do you remember that summer after junior year when we started freaking out because you still hadn't decided what college you were going to and I didn't know how I'd pay? Wow, if we could see us now. I can't believe you passed up Stanford just to make your dad mad. Actually, I can. He never deserved you, Harry. I know you don't want to hear this from me. But don't think it slipped my mind all those times you'd come to me crying or bruised or shaking with anger. I'll say it. He was a proper asshole and it's a wonder you turned out like you did.
Okay, I'll just...
Harry, I know I've kind of been a shit friend lately. Don't-- don't argue. You were right. I shouldn't have kept my spiderman abilities from you and I shouldn't have taken MJ from you and I should have checked in with your dad died and-- if I keep listing these out this call will never end and... I need to end it soon. MJ-- yeah. I'm sorry about that.
You're gonna hate me even more when I say this, though.
I was never in love with MJ.
I know, I know. If I didn't like her that way, why'd I steal her from you?
Well, it's kinda simple. I wanted to see what you saw in her.
I kept looking and looking and looking and I never found it. You used to say you liked her eyes and her laugh and how smart she was, but... Her eyes are just blue. And they get cold when she's angry. She's angry at me a lot, you know. She doesn't laugh as much with me and every time I tell her she's smart she just rolls her eyes. So when I saw this girl, Gwen, in class, I thought, screw it, right?
That's the girl I kissed, by the way. Gwen. You'd like her. She's a lot like you. Stubborn and clever and too full of herself. I thought I might have something for her and I wanted to see, so I kissed her. Well, it turns out we don't like each other that way, and we said we'd be friends. You can imagine how MJ felt. That's why she broke up with me. That was the night before Aunt May died.
Yeah, it's just a bunch of shitty things happening all at once. Actually the past year has been shitty. Uncle Ben and your dad and you hating me and MJ breaking up with me and Aunt May dying. Sometimes I feel like the only good that came out of it was Spiderman.
That's the secret-- Spiderman is the best thing I've ever done. The only thing I've ever done that's ever had any real value to it. He's good. He helps people. He's strong, and people love him, and he... he doesn't make mistakes.
I've made a really big mistake, Harry. And I think I'm just going to make more mistakes. But before I.. before-- just--
I wanted to make one last mistake.
Crap, I don't know how to--
People are staring at me.
Shit, I'm still in the Spiderman suit.
It's been a long day, okay? Don't judge.
There was a bang.
There goes the bridge, I guess.
i still have the book you lent me. I forgot to give it back. There's no one to let you in to my apartment so just-- take it. MJ knows where the spare key is. She'll let you in.
I think I love you, Harry.
I think-- just. Wow. Phew. Okay. Um.
You know that feeling you get? When all you want to do is be around someone, and you don't really care, like, if.. Shit. How do I explain it? Like, it's like.
Okay. So do you remember when your mom died (of course you remember when your mom died. I'm really bad at this, I'm sorry.)
You were trying to explain to me why you kept crying. I didn't know what it felt like to have a loved one die, not then, because I didn't really know my parents when they died. But you did. And you were telling me about how she could always cheer you up; she always knew just what to say. You told me that if you could have stopped that car from crashing into her you would've, even if it meant you had to push it away with your bare hands? I laughed, 'cuz you were seven and you were tiny, and I still didn't really get what you were saying.
Well, I get it now. Like you would sacrifice every part of yourself for them, like you would die a thousand deaths to see them smile. Ugh, I know you think it sounds so cheesy. You were never one for hallmark movies.
Hey, you remember that movie about the girl who moved to Christmas town or whatever, and she met the blonde guy who sold peppermint? And how his friend kept trying to set them up, because the blonde guy always seemed so happy around her? Well, I always thought maybe the two of them should just get together, yknow? Like, sure the blonde guy was happy with the girl, but he only ever laughed with the friend, you know what I mean? Like maybe...
Sorry. I'm sorry. Actually I'm sorry for all of this. I'm gonna go now. It's just. I wanted. I wanted to say I love you. Maybe in another life, if you didn't hate me and I didn't hate myself and I didn't kill your dad and you didn't just open up a chasm in the middle of the bridge I'm about to jump off of--
There it was again. That bitter laugh, devoid of humor.
I love you, Harry.
I'm sorry."
There was a shifting sound, like he took a step. Then, in the distance---
"Spiiiiiidddermaaan."
A jeering voice. Sharp yet subdued; it sounded almost drugged. A little confused, a little dazy.
There was a dull beeping sound. Hurriedly the phone was shoved into a pocket.
There was a crack, and then static. Radio silence.