Sam Guthrie held his whole world in his hands, his last lifeline to who he used to be or thought he was. He held Roberto’s hand in the makeshift med bay of the stolen SHIELD vehicle as he breathed in and out. He caressed the soft skin with his thumb willing Roberto to wake up. Who was he to hold Robertos soft hand in his own rough callused ones? Roberto didn’t belong to him, or this harsh world.
Sam is torn between thinking he should’ve let Roberto go, or cursing himself for ever letting him go. Sam remembers the last time he held Roberto’s hand, holding on to him for dear life as he begged him to stay with what was left of the New Mutants, with him. He was stupid to think Berto would stay, what did he have to offer him? A life on the run? Constantly looking over your shoulder for threats? A run down farm in Kentucky? Roberto was used to blinding sunlight and warm beaches, he belonged to a life of luxury and Sam was just some starry-eyed farm boy from the middle of nowhere.
He had always been kidding himself, thinking maybe they could have a life together but he silently begged Roberto to get up anyway. He needs him more than ever, in ways he could never say out loud. Damn him for being too proud to admit how he felt. If he was being honest it had always scared him, how he felt for Roberto, how much he felt. Who knows what the cost of agreeing to never interfere in Gideon's business would be, but he’d promised in a heartbeat.
He would do it again if he could. Roberto might not even wake up, and he’d still do it again just to hold him one last time.
“Come on Roberto, you’ve always been too stubborn for your own good, don’t give up now.” he begged
“Please, I need you,”
“Blubbering like this isn’t going to make him get up,”
Sam almost jumped at Shatterstars voice, god they need to put a bell on him or something.
“I know that,” he responded sullenly, god he sounded pathetic
“Then why do you do it?” Shatterstar asked. The poor guy looked genuinely baffled
“You are normally so logical? What about this man makes you so…” Shatterstar looked like he was struggling to find a word.
“Pathetic?” Sam graciously provided
“Yes,” Shatterstar said bless his heart “Are you not a warrior? A champion of this world?”
“That don’t stop me from having' feelings Star,”
“I hate feelings” he replied
“I know Star,”
“They are the worst”
“I know Star”
“Can you … get rid of them?” Star asked
“…. No Star. I don’t think you can.”
“Fekt!”
Sam was suddenly curious about Shatterstars sudden interest in feeling.
“Am I dead?” Roberto croaked
“Beto!”
It was all Sam could do to stop himself from throwing his arms around Roberto, but he was injured and it would probably do more harm than good.
“How do you feel?” He asked
“Like I got hit by a truck”
“What is a truck?” Shatterstar asked
“Go ask Terry,” Sam said
“Ok… Fine. I know this is just a social cue because you want to have a private conversation.”He said proudly.
“That’s great Shatty!”
“My name is Shatterstar” he grumbled
“How did that guy not know what a truck was?” Roberto asked
“He’s an alien, you missed a lot”
“Seems I did,”
If Sam was a braver man he’d tell Roberto everything, spill his guts, tell him how much he missed him, how much he’d needed him, how much he’d loved him. But instead he just caught Roberto up and came up with a plan of action with Terry. Choking on all the words and emotions stuck in his throat.