Prologue
7 years earlier
He thought that perhaps he still hadn't fully understood what had happened.
He had been woken up in the middle of the night by the noise downstairs – he was at his aunt and uncle's house because his parents had to travel to the neighboring city for a family celebration. Jungkook had insisted that he didn't want to go, so his parents had patiently allowed him to stay with his aunt and uncle.
But he had seen the blue and red lights of a police car and voices coming from the living room. When he went downstairs, even barefoot, his aunt and uncle were talking to the police officers while crying, and Jungkook felt confused. He blinked several times, trying to get his bearings.
When Auntie Mi looked at him, she walked quickly to the boy, holding his shoulders firmly.
"Kookie" was what his aunt and uncle had called him for as long as he could remember. For the first time, Auntie Mi didn't have a smiling expression when she looked at her nephew. "Ah, my love... you're awake." She knelt down to his level, her eyes puffy and red, as was her nose. Jungkook felt his hand tremble with nervousness.
“Listen. I need you to be strong, okay?” she asked. Jungkook nodded, even though he wasn’t sure if he could handle it. He didn’t feel strong at the moment. “Something terrible happened…”
He didn’t remember the exact words Aunt Mi or Uncle Byeon or the police had said, because his brain had jumbled everything up. It was noon and Jeon hadn’t slept since then. He didn’t know if he had cried, but he knew he had been wrapped in a blanket as he sat on the couch in the living room, stunned.
His parents had died.
When morning came, he had been told to put on a black suit and wait. He didn’t really know what he was waiting for. He felt empty and scared. Jungkook could still feel the sensation of his mother’s lips on his cheek, telling him to behave and that they would be back in two days.
But they wouldn’t.
It was a rainy day. Jungkook thought it made sense – in the movies, it always rained when someone they loved died. He knew his parents deserved as much rain as possible and found himself hoping it would rain more, so that everyone in Seoul could feel the same pain he was feeling.
He had been quiet since dawn. Aunt Mi had been pushing a few plates of food towards him since then, saying that he needed to keep himself going somehow, and after eating a few bites, he would say he was full. It was working so far – the woman was also tearful, her eyes red and her hands shaking.
Uncle Byeon was distant that day. While Jeon had lost his parents, Byeon had lost his brother. He wondered if it hurted more or less. Maybe a little more, since his uncle had cried several times while Jungkook hadn’t managed to shed a single tear so far.
Not that he wasn’t sad. In fact, he felt like he could throw up at any moment from the pain he was feeling, and the headache was almost overwhelming. He just couldn't cry.
During the funeral, he stayed close to his uncles. Aunt Mi held his shoulder tightly while Uncle Byeon held the umbrella so that they would get as little wet as possible.
Jungkook could see that his parents were loved by the amount of people who had shown up for the burial ceremony. The priest said a few words that Jeon had difficulty deciphering above all the noise of the rain. People were crying and sniffling and he wanted to scream.
Why are you crying, huh? I lost my parents. What were they to you? They were my parents!
But he remained silent. His hands in his pockets, staring fixedly at both coffins that were going to be placed side by side. He was feeling an unbearable pain in his chest and his shoulders were shaking a little. He didn't know if it was because of the cold.
When they got home, hours later, Jungkook took a shower at Aunt Mi's request. She said she was going to make him his favorite soup for dinner, so Jungkook would have to pretend to eat a little more in front of them.
He was in a spiral of thoughts. He didn't know what would happen to him now. His parents were dead, he only had his uncles. Would he have to move? How could he live without his parents? Who would teach him how to live?
While he was changing, he heard a noise at the bedroom door. There were three knocks. When he finished putting on his pajamas, Jungkook didn't answer the door, but he knew that the person would come in anyway - he no longer cared if he would have to face questions he didn't want to answer, like "are you okay" or compliments that were completely false, like "you're being so strong".
Uncle Byeon opened the door with a melancholy smile and closed it behind him. Jungkook understood even if his uncle didn't say anything, that they would talk.
He didn't want to. But he sat on the bed anyway.
His uncle came over and sat next to him, placing his hand on Jungkook's shoulder, who had been avoiding looking at the man since earlier – he reminded Jeon too much of his father for him to be able to remain calm.
“I’m sorry you woke up like that,” his uncle said.
Jungkook shrugged, intertwining his fingers. His uncle sighed.
“How are you?”
The boy shrugged again. What was he supposed to say to that? He didn’t know. Hadn’t he cried at his own parents’ funeral, what kind of heartless person was he?
“You know, Jungkook…” he continued. “Your parents loved you. You know that, right?”
He didn’t answer.
“It was a terrible accident. I’m so sorry.” His uncle squeezed his shoulder and brought him closer. Jeon felt something hot and painful in the pit of his stomach, making his eyes burn. “You’re going to stay with us now. I know I can never replace your father, but I want you to know that you can trust me and Aunt Mi. We love you, Kookie. And it’s okay to cry and feel pain. You don't stop being a strong boy because of that, okay?"
With that, Jungkook felt a sob come out of his throat. It was a hoarse sound, Jeon hadn't spoken all day. He felt the hot tears wet his cheeks without warning and his hands began to tremble. Jungkook looked at his uncle, who was also crying, but silently, unlike his nephew.
"I know." Uncle Byeon pulled him, and Jungkook buried his face in his uncle's chest, feeling himself enveloped by a hug. The pain he had felt all day seemed to have opened a chain of emotions that he didn't know how to deal with. He wanted to cry and scream and hit something, and even fight with his parents. How had they been able to leave him? "I know. You're not alone."
But he felt like the loneliest boy on the face of the earth.