Tony gazed into his champagne glass as he blinked rapidly.
It was too much. All of this was too much. Too much loss, too much pain, too much heartbreak. He couldn’t do this anymore. Couldn’t bear to look up only for his eyes to find Stephen automatically no matter how hard he tried to not do this to himself. Not to gaze at someone who never seemed to even register his existence.
How did he manage to do this? Falling in love with a person he knew would never even tolerate his presence, let alone…
Why was he always hurting? What had he not done? What kind of pain had he not suffered through? He had lived a life as a puppet of an uncle he had adored, had turned his life into a mission of saving as many lives as he could, had worked and worked and worked, had lost his son, had been blamed for it, had been insulted, berated, betrayed so terrifyingly by someone he considered a friend, had to see his son turn to dust in front of him, had to burn half of his body to bring half of the universe back, had to lose the love of his life, had to pick up his life again because Tony Stark never gave up, did he? He had fought for everything for years and years and years and yet…yet Tony felt more empty than ever. He had done everything but for what? To have nothing and no one at his side? To feel this all-consuming loneliness?
Yes of course, he had Pepper and Morgan and Peter and Rhodey and Happy. And yet he knew he was alone. He knew one day all of them would leave his side too because that is how life worked. He had no one who would stay by his side till he drew his last breath. He had no one who would hold onto him so tight Tony couldn’t escape even when his demons pushed him to, even when the monsters in his mind convinced him he didn’t deserve it, even when the voice in his mind whispered that he should not love with his all because he will once again be left alone. He wished for someone who could love him so intensely that Tony would feel helpless not to show them the madness of his own love, someone to love him the way Tony wished for, needed, craved .
And God Tony had found that person who could be his. His special person, his heart, his forever. Stephen Strange.
It is kind of sad really that their first meeting was the almost end of the world. He had been with Pepper at the time but as he had flown to the donut ship to save the wizard he knew that it was almost over. He knew that as he moved toward the sky the farther he was moving from the forever with Pepper he had oh so naively believed in. Even after coming back, they had continued to pull this love for long. Five years of a happy but not truly happy life. There had been love but it was not enough and both were aware. Yet they held each other and supported each other the best they could. All of it came to an end with Tony’s decision to reenter the Avengers world. Pepper understood and supported. But both knew that this was it for them.
So Tony had trusted that this was the right path. Had not regretted it right from the day he had flown into the donut ship to save Strange’s life. He had fought along Stephen’s side. Had seen him turn into dust. He had fought with a monster of his dreams with everything he had in his broken body. Had picked himself back up after five years. Had brought Strange back. Had seen the pain and horror in Strange’s eyes as he had raised that one finger. Had trusted Strange, had snapped, and had no regret in his heart as half of his being burned with the power no feeble human was ever supposed to wield. Couldn’t bring himself to regret anything because that was the day he had seen what Stephen Strange’s care looked like, felt like. Stephen with tears streaming down his eyes had cursed, pleaded, threatened Tony to not give up as he filled Tony’s whole being with magic. Tony felt Stephen’s desperation to save him, his fear of losing him. Had felt like he had truly mattered to someone for once. Had relished in the feeling of being fought for. He had gazed at Stephen’s beautiful face streaked with blood and tears, eyes shining with guilt, fear and an emotion so intense Tony couldn’t fathom why it would be directed at someone like him. But he allowed it to consume him wholly. If this was how he was going to go, he truly wouldn’t complain.
However, Tony should have known. Stephen Strange was one stubborn wizard. Tony had been saved. He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he had once again been given a shot at life. All thanks to a wizard who had been the first one Tony had laid eyes on after coming to consciousness after the snap. Laying in a bed, as he was given the most sincere apology he had ever been given by someone who in fact had nothing to apologize for, who had done everything to save the world, to save Tony…Tony couldn’t help but start falling in love.
And then every time he met Stephen he fell more and more in love. Stephen was a beautiful person. He was tall, handsome, had sharp cheekbones, and the most captivating eyes Tony had ever seen, it was hard to look away from him when not only was he absolutely gorgeous he also had a beautiful heart hidden behind all the sarcasm and the perfect poker face. He was kind to everyone who deserved it and was just as lethal to those who dared to harm anyone under his protection. He tried to hide just how much affection he held for the little spider but Tony could see right through it. Hell, Peter spent so much time with Stephen that Tony had given Stephen access to Friday for easy contact in case of need. To top it all off, Stephen was a fucking genius and it’s not a light statement coming from a genius of Tony’s caliber. He was smart, strong, brave, kind, beautiful, the whole package really. In Tony’s totally unbiased opinion, it was ridiculous that people did not fall in love with him all the time.
Because Tony had fallen. Fallen hard and fast and before he knew it his heart had accepted Stephen as his. And he didn’t think he could come back from this, this time. And thus started his journey of getting his heart broken yet again. Because Stephen didn’t really care for Tony. Yes, he was gentle with him whenever Tony approached him, spoke with him but within moments into the conversation he fled. There was always something that he had to attend to, someone he had to speak to. Hell, Tony had started to count the number of sentences in each of their conversations, and yep! He could count them on his fingers with some fingers left still. Wasn’t it ridiculous that Tony had had longer conversations with Beyonce Wong than Strange? He had also noticed how it was always Tony who approached Strange, in the whole year, not once had Strange approached him.
Tony couldn’t help but feel disappointment fill his being with every such incident. He couldn’t help but miss the Strange who had looked at him with so much care on the battlefield, the Strange who had looked into his eyes and had apologized for hurting Tony, something that no one in his life had done despite being his friends and colleagues…he missed those eyes who had looked at him because now…now Strange didn’t even look at him. All these days Tony had felt his heart break little by little. He knew he was not perfect, he was broken beyond repair. The scars that littered the right side of his face made people avert their gaze. He just didn’t have anything to offer anymore and thus he understood. He understood why Stephen wouldn’t spare him a moment of the day. But that did not mean it didn’t hurt.
Tony for months now had just looked at Stephen from afar, had not approached him, unable to bear Stephen running away from him as if he just couldn’t stand him. Even now as he had stood in the Gala in the tower and had watched Stephen speak amicably with everyone but him all the heartbreak and grief he had suppressed came crashing down on him because, for the first time in his life, he had wanted someone so desperately, he knew he would do anything for him. Had loved Stephen to the point of wanting to burn the world whenever Stephen got hurt in any way. Had loved Stephen so much that he couldn’t think of anything beyond him.
And hence when he was yet again hit with the realization that Stephen did not in fact care for him, didn’t even acknowledge his existence, he couldn’t take it anymore. Tears sprang to his eyes as his heart broke for what felt like the last time because he didn’t even feel alive anymore.
He immediately looked down, gazed into his champagne glass as he blinked rapidly against the tears he had been holding in for months now. He didn’t understand why it hurt this much. He had had his heart broken, his marriage broken. But none of it hurt this much. It hurt…it hurt so much he couldn’t even maintain the façade he had mastered. He couldn’t be near Strange anymore. Not now, not anymore, not ever. He had to leave.
Tony quickly deposited the glass on the counter and quietly walked to the elevator. No one noticed him, no one did these days. Peter would have if he was not busy talking with Strange and Christine Palmer. Christine Palmer…yeah he did not have the strength to think about who he knew would always be by Stephen’s side. Why had he been so stupid? Still doing his damn best to hold back tears, Tony entered the elevator and asked Friday to take him to his penthouse. As soon as the elevator started moving, tears slipped past his eyelids. He sobbed quietly.
Strange should have never saved him that day on the battlefield, should never have looked at him with so much concern, should have never been so sincere as he sat by his bedside…no one had been before, why did he have to do it? If only he had not done it perhaps Tony wouldn’t have been so naive, would have had a chance of saving his heart. He just loved the sorcerer so damn much and the thought that the person who has become your heart doesn’t even bother to glance at you was too much to bear. All his life he had had his heart broken but never quite felt himself break like this. This time…he knew he wouldn’t recover. The great Tony Stark, finally faced with a fall he couldn’t rise from.
He let his tears fall as he stepped into the penthouse. He took off his jacket, chucked the tie away, and sank to the floor in front of the sofa and stared at nothing as tears continued to fall.
“Boss, you should talk to him,” Friday said softly.
Tony made a sound stuck between a laugh and a sob. “Fri, you know everything. There is no way it could lead to anything. He despises me. I know what his answer would be. I don’t want to hear it come from his mouth. I won’t be able to take it.”
“Boss, He certainly cares for you.”
“Care? I thought so once too Fri. But I can’t fool myself into thinking I am someone special to him when I know he cares for everyone on the team the same. I am pretty sure I am the last person he actually cares about.” Tony whispered.
“Boss, he does care about you. From what I have seen, he certainly cares for you more than anyone else. That day on the battlefield-” Friday said in a firm voice.
Tony cut her off “Fri, don’t remind me of that day. Caring for a teammate is what he considers his job. He doesn’t care for me . Please don’t try to convince me otherwise. I…I can’t take it. Not anymore.”
“Boss”, Friday said in a soothing voice "I feel there is a chance that he might feel the same for -”
Tears sprang to his eyes anew, he couldn’t help but snap in a broken voice. “Feel the same? For me? All of these months Friday and we haven’t even had a proper conversation yet. I wish he would be downright cruel to me. He is so kind to me whenever we interact but he also makes sure to keep such distance from me…I feel I repulse him. Look at me Fri…I am a mess! Can I blame him?” Tony said aggressively pointing at the scars on his face. Angry, anguished tears ran down his face as he harshly whispered, “Feel the same? Friday, he doesn’t even ever look at me!”
“I am always looking at you, Tony”
Tony’s head snapped up. Stephen stood in front of him. Eyes intensely looking at Tony.
Tony felt his blood freeze. He scrambled away from him. ‘ I am always looking at you ’ The words were simply spinning in his head not quite registering as he tried to process the fact that Stephen had probably heard everything . He looked at the ceiling and snapped. “FRIDAY!”
“I’m sorry boss. I can’t see you hurt anymore.” Friday’s voice seemed to tremble. Tony couldn’t say anything further.
His gaze shifted back to Stephen as he moved closer. Tony pushed himself back into the space between the Sofa and the coffee table. He knew he looked like a mess. Face streaked with tears, eyes frantic, cowering like a cornered animal. But that’s exactly what he was now. Why was Stephen here? What was he saying?
Stephen took a couple of shaky steps closer to Tony “I am always looking at you, Tony.” He repeated.
Tony’s head spun. What did he mean? What..what was he saying? Was he…pitying Tony after hearing his words?
Tony turned his gaze away, he refused to be humiliated like this. “You don’t have to do this Strange, I don’t need pity” he said in a shaking voice as more tears spilled. God, why was this happening? He wiped at his face furiously.
Strange made a distressed sound. ‘Tony”. He came close to Tony but still maintained some distance. “Tony, please look at me.” He sank to his knees in front of Tony, “Tony please…”
Tony was taken aback by seeing Stephen sink to his knees in front of him. Hearing Stephen’s voice tremble his gaze snapped up immediately. And as his eyes met Stephen’s, he felt his breath hitch because there it was. That intense concern, fear, guilt, and that unnamed emotion in his eyes that Tony had seen on the battlefield. Tony once again felt captivated.
Stephen bowed his head, “Tony, I have always looked at you. For days, for months, for years…for millions of lives.” Tony’s eyes widened at the implication of Stephen’s words. A small hope bloomed in his heart. He stomped on it harshly. No. This couldn’t be true.
“Tony, I…I have always been looking at you. Looking at how smart you are, how kind you are, how brave you are, how beautiful you are.” As Stephen whispered the last part he gazed at him, raising his hand and extending it toward Tony as if he was tracing the right side of Tony’s face. Despite the space between them, Tony felt as if he could feel the phantom caress on his scars. His chest constricted. Tears flooded his eyes once again. No one besides Peter had dared to even properly look at his scarred face let alone touch it. But here Stephen was, calling him beautiful, eyes filled with adoration as his hand extended as if he wished to touch Tony’s face. Tony felt overwhelmed.
“I am sorry for hurting you all these days. After the snap, after hurting you like that I couldn’t dare to ask to be in your presence…let alone hope for…love.” Stephen whispered as a tear slid down his cheek. Tony couldn’t help but let out a whimper. He didn’t ever want to see any kind of pain on that beautiful face. He wished to reach out and wipe the tear away but he was frozen in place by the intensity of emotions in Stephen’s voice.
“When I returned, you had a life with Ms Potts. I knew I wouldn’t have survived it if you had rejected me in any capacity. So I kept my distance. Standing before you but not being able to hold you, not being able to love you…it was unbearable. So I ran away from you. Every single time.” More tears streamed down Stephen’s cheeks as Tony started shaking his head. He was trying very hard to accept Stephen’s words. Stephen felt the same for him. This was…so messed up. All these days Stephen had been hurting too. The thought made his heart ache.
“I am sorry” Stephen continued as Tony shook his head to stop the apology as his face crumbled. “I never meant to hurt you. I never thought someone as precious as you would want me. You are always on my mind. Please don’t think I don’t ever look at you because I always do. I was too scared to let you catch onto it though, too scared to reveal my feelings to you. To lose you forever. I have loved you for millions of lives Tony. For millions of lives.” Stephen whispered, “I love you, I am sorry I hurt you for so long.”
Tony had heard enough. He couldn’t deny it anymore. He lunged forward and hugged Stephen tight. Stephen trembled in his arms as he kept muttering apologies. Tony shook his head. God, he couldn’t believe this. He was loved. He was loved by this ethereal being. Loved despite him being this utterly broken. Tony would have doubted the truth of all of this but the way Stephen clutched onto him, so desperately, so tightly it was easy to tell the monsters in his mind to fuck off. And isn’t that what he always wanted?
He pulled Stephen away from himself and held him by his shoulders, immediately Stephen’s hands came to cup his face.
Tony let out a broken laugh. “You are an idiot you know?”
Stephen just nodded his head, still looking guilty.
Tony couldn’t have that. He shook him by his shoulders. “And I am a bigger idiot. We are both too stupid for geniuses.” Stephen just stared at him. His tears still streaming down his cheeks. Perhaps Stephen too had reached his breaking point tonight. But no more because Tony did not plan on letting those beautiful eyes shade any more sad tears. Happy tears? Yes. Sad tears? Absolutely not! Not on his watch.
“You have nothing to be sorry for Stephen” He whispered. “I am sorry for not realizing that you were hurting too.”
“Don’t say that.” Stephen shook his head vehemently. Tony just chuckled fondly.
“I love you, you stupid, crazy wizard.” He said and leaned in to kiss Stephen the way he had wished to for what felt like forever now.
Stephen made a surprised sound. But soon he kissed Tony back. It was gentle, sweet, perfect. Yeah, this felt different than anything else Tony had experienced. He could feel millions of lives worth of love in the way Stephen held him. Tony let out a gentle sigh as they both parted. He opened his eyes and saw the most bright brilliant smile on Stephen’s face that looked alight with happiness. Looking at this smile Tony's heart ached thinking about the pain Stephen must have carried for the past years. He vowed to make him smile this smile every day.
And as he smiled back at Stephen just as brightly he felt magic light up Stephen’s entire being. Enveloping him in warmth as beautiful magical butterflies surrounded them. Oh…so this is how it felt to be truly wholly loved.
He couldn’t help but giggle as a butterfly sat on the tip of his nose. Stephen, with a fond smile gently shoved the butterfly away and kissed the spot. “You are so beautiful.” He whispered.
Tony felt himself flush immediately. Wow…so this was new too. He couldn’t remember the last time someone made him blush. Stephen just giggled away as he kissed Tony’s cheeks and then his lips. Tony turned redder and redder with each kiss. Stephen ended his little affection attack by pressing his lips to Tony’s forehead. He kept his lips pressed to Tony’s forehead as once again a tear slipped past his eyelid. Overwhelmed with affection, Tony felt his own eyes fill with tears. These were tears of happiness. Finally, he felt happy, and knowing that he shared this happiness with Stephen made him feel alive in a way he hadn’t for years.
“I love you Tony Stark. I want nothing more than to be by your side. Can we be together?” Stephen whispered against his forehead.
Tony smiled widely as he cupped Stephen’s face and looked deep into his beautiful eyes. “I want nothing more than that Stephen. I love you.” Stephen beamed once again. Tony leaned forward and kissed away a tear that slid down Stephen’s cheek. Instantly he felt warmth bloom on the skin as Stephen flushed. Tony just giggled. With a smile, he continued. “I have loved you since the day you saved my life on that battlefield. Since the day you showed me that there was someone who desperately cared for me. You are so so kind Stephen. So brave, so smart. So beautiful.” He caressed his cheek with his thumb. “I might have not loved you for millions of lives Stephen but I promise you, I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I was not even aware I was capable of such love. You, Stephen Strange, are the most perfect being to me and I promise to love you forever with everything my heart has.” He stated firmly.
Stephen pulled him back into a kiss so fierce Tony felt as if they had merged into one. As they pulled apart they both laughed at the tear tracks on their faces. “You are such a crybaby” Tony teased as he wiped Stephen’s tears.
“Look who’s talking,” Stephen said softly and proceeded to caress Tony’s cheeks wiping the tears in the process. Gaze full of love and adoration. Oh no…there come the tears again.
Tony had been lonely for what felt like his whole life. But now, now he had that one person who he knew would stay by his side forever. Who would protect Tony and would allow Tony to protect him. Who would love him intensely and would accept Tony’s intense love. Who accepted him the way he was, broken, scarred, imperfect. But loved. Oh so beautifully loved. He had his heart, his love, his Stephen by his side and that’s all he ever needed.