Clowning Around

“So how are things with you and Carina?”
It had been a quiet day at the station, in fact it had been a quiet shift overall. Sometimes quiet shifts were great to catch up on paperwork, catch up on maintenance or cleaning and sometimes just to catch up with the colleagues that were also friends.
Or at least used to be.
Maya felt she was rebuilding everything these days, her marriage, her friendships, hell her whole damn life because not that long ago she practically set the whole thing on fire.

Things were getting better.
Better at the station, with Andy and Vic and Jack and Travis. Even when she occasionally worked with B and C shifts it was better with them too
But especially it was better with Andy

After the hospital – that’s how she referred to it mostly, other times she’d say that night or that night in the hospital – but anyway after the Hospital it was Andy that stepped up for her.

She remembered her being there that night. She doesn’t think she spoke, wasn’t capable really. But Andy did. Kind whispered words. “it’s going to be ok, Maya, it will.” After she’d wondered how Andy was there. Had Carina asked her to be? Had Jack told her? She’d never asked and Andy had sensed it was best not to explain.

All Maya knew was Andy turned up. On the worst night of her life Andy showed up and Andy stayed.

Around hour 56 of the Hold she’d started to face the reality that soon she’d have to leave her bed for reasons other than the bathroom. She’d have to get dressed and walk out that hospital.
Around hour 64 she’d resigned herself to the fact that Carina wasn’t coming back. That she’d be leaving the Hospital alone.
Andy was back there at hour 70. So she didn't have to do it alone.

It was Andy who told her that Carina wouldn’t be in the Apartment when she got home.
It was Andy who put fresh sheets on the bed. Who’d let herself in and out that first week. Who’d made smoothies for her when her stomach could bear nothing solid.
It was Andy who needed assurance then. “I’m OK, Andy I’m ok you can go home. Its OK.”
She’d wondered if it hadn’t been Andy would there have been anyone else. Would anyone else have showed up?
Would anyone else have stayed?

In losing her wife she’d regained her best friend. They’d even talked about that first big fracture of their friendship. The one that healed over but never repaired fully.
At least not until now.
Maybe.

It felt good having Andy back. And now that it looked increasingly likely that Andy would be the next permanent captain of station 19 Maya was determined to accept that with good grace. She didn’t think there was enough therapy in the world for her to ever forgive SFD and the powers that be there for her demotion and the failure to reinstate her. For the double standards. For the sexism.
But it wasn’t Andy’s fault.
She was almost certain that she would never forgive Chief Ross, almost as certain as she was that Ross would never forgive her or give her a chance again. She was pretty sure that in Ross’s eyes Maya Bishop was simply a bad ‘un and Ross didn't seem to be the kind of woman that spent a great deal of time second guessing herself.

No. She had resigned herself to the fact that she would never be Captain of 19 again, not permanently, not for a day
And for as long as Ross was Chief and for as long as Robert Sullivan had influence over anyone in a decision making capacity in SFD she didn't expect to be anything more than a Lieutenant.
It’s why she had been tempted when Dixon gave her those photos, she had been tempted because damn it she wanted her job back. The job she had been good at, a job she had earned not by subterfuge or blackmail or cheating but by her own ability.

And Carina was her conscience but maybe, just maybe, even without Carina this time she would ultimately have done the right thing. Not for Ross, not for Sullivan but for herself because deep down she knew, had always known she had earned her Captaincy the right way first time round. Andy had been wrong and had led the rest of 19 to be wrong also

So part of Maya knew or at least she hoped she had that getting her job back the wrong way would never have given her the satisfaction she needed and would have forever tainted the achievement and any further achievement built on top of it.

And as much as she wanted her job back or a similar job somewhere else she wanted her wife back more.
And just as she had earned Carina ’s love the first time round she was determined to earn it the right way the second time too.
So Andy could be Captain and Maya would be her friend. And so long as Carina was her wife that would have to be enough.
It would be enough.

She shrugged her shoulders in reply to Andy in an effort to be nonchalant but she couldn't help the massive smile that broke out seconds later
“She told me this morning she wants to come home.”
“Oh my God, Maya that’s great, finally, you deserve this you’ve worked so hard...”
“Just keep it to yourself, it hasn't happened yet and I don’t want to put any pressure on her. It has to be her decision I don’t want her home if she’s not going to be happy there. And I haven’t said it to Carina yet but I’ve got in touch with a Realtor to see what I might get for my apartment. And I’m trying to figure out how much I could borrow and I’m looking at listings in a couple of areas just so when I go to Carina she knows I’ve put a bit of thought into this. I mean obviously Carina would be buying too and she could probably borrow quite a bit more than me but with my equity in the Apartment and...”
“You’d actually sell your place?”
“If that’s what Carina needs...” Maya nodded “...and anyway once we have kids we’ll need a bigger place so why not now.”
“Kids? As in more than one?” The expression on Andy’s face was priceless.
“Well we’ll start with one and who knows after that.” Maya grinned back. The truth was her night’s were full of thoughts of their kids. Of raising babies with Carina. Of pregnant Carina, of her swollen belly and aching feet. The minute Carina had mentioned their kids in Joe’s it felt like Maya had permission to dream again.
And even if Carina had said not yet but in a few years well Maya was ready now. And whenever Carina was ready again they’d be ready together.

“Wow, Maya Bishop and her brood of bambini.”
“Ha I think you need more than two or three to make a brood.”
“Three? Wow look at you.”
“Yeah well we have to figure out how to have one first so I’m not counting any chickens just yet or even counting on my wife coming home to my roost.”

.................

The truth was when Carina told her she wanted to move home this morning Maya had been shocked and maybe a little bit scared. She wanted her wife home more than anything but she wasn’t really sure if Carina truly meant it.
Carina was a terrible patient and when she was sick was very needy and Maya had always found it absolutely adorable.
They’d gone to an Italian movie the night before. Carina had told her that it would be good for Maya to immerse herself in the sound of Italian for the two hours of the movie and that the fact that there were no subtitles would not impact on her enjoyment of the classic.
She’d had no clue what was going on the big screen but had enjoyed watching Carina and her reaction to the movie immensely, had enjoyed holding her wife's hand in the dark for two hours especially when that same hand wandered dangerously elsewhere.
And Carina wasn’t entirely wrong about the Italian either. By the end of the movie Maya was pretty sure the boy had won the girl, lost the girl and won her all over again. And Maya felt happy for him because the young Sofia Loren on the screen was almost as breathtakingly beautiful as her wife.

They’d come back to the Hotel, gone for a drink in the Bar but after a couple of sips of wine Carina had felt nauseous. Her stomach had been acting up ever since the infamous lasagna weeks earlier.
Maya had stayed the night. And Carina had wrapped herself around her like a child wanting to be held.

This morning, if anything, Carina felt marginally worse.
“ I am just so tired. I wish I could just take the day off.”
“Then do,my love. You look tired, a little rundown. Take the day and..”

“I can’t, I’ve too many Mama’s depending on me today and then I’ve to do a few hours at the Bailey clinic and...”
“That’s voluntary, You don’t have to go...”

“Maya I do. It’s important. Those women need doctors like me even more then my patients at the hospital need me. At least at the hospital there will be another OBGYN but at the clinic if they need a termination and I’m not there for some of those women it's the only chance for them to be there I can’t just not turn up coz I’m feeling tired. I can’t not just turn up because you're worried about me being there.”

“I know all that Carina but you’re no good to anyone if you get sick or burnt out.”
“I’m just a little tired Maya. I just can’t shake this nausea I just feel sluggish all the time.”

“You’ve been feeling this way ever since the lasagna, maybe I did more than just food poison you. Maybe you should get blood tests maybe there's something wrong, maybe..”

“Maya stop catastrophizing.”

“Well at least get some blood tests maybe you just need some kind of I don’t know vitamins and I’m not catastrophizing you're my wife it's my job to look after you and God knows I haven’t done a very good job of that lately and...”

“Maya...”

“Stress makes people ill and...I, the Hospital and ever since...and, and before...I made you, stress can cause all sorts of...”

“I want to come home.”

Maya momentarily stopped what she was doing but then went back to folding Carinas clothes and putting them back in the drawer of the bureau.
Carina was effectively living out of two suitcases so since the first night Maya had stayed over she’d started bringing her laundry home. Carina hadn’t noticed it at first until she realised more and more of her things were appearing in the Hotel and other things disappearing and quickly reappearing freshly laundered.
She never mentioned it and Maya never mentioned it. But it was such a typical Maya thing to do. It was the little things that Maya did, not big gestures, that helped her fall in love with the Firefighter in the first place
The little things that no-one else had ever done for her.
When she was a lowly Resident in Rome, her girlfriend at the time, a business Analyst with KPMG had flown them to Milan for a night at La Scala to see La Traviata.
Watching Maya Bishop folding her underwear in a non descript hotel room in Seattle – as romantic gestures went - that beat a midnight flight across Italy in a Private Jet hands down.

She wasn’t falling in love with her wife all over again, she’d never stopped loving her in the first place.
She thought Maya had stopped loving her but now she realised Maya had just been trapped in a darkness, they’d both lost their way in that darkness but Maya had emerged from it and it felt like time they stopped battling the darkness alone. Time to join forces and fight for them again, together.

And Maya was right. About the stress. And moving home had felt like more stress than she could handle. But moving home with Maya felt a lot less stressful right now than living here alone.

And she was right about the burnout too. She’d been burning the candle at both ends, too many shifts between her job and the two clinics. Anything to avoid an empty Hotel bed.

And her diet could be better.

Even at their lowest, Maya ‘Clipboard’ Bishop made sure their fridge and pantry were fully stocked with more than just expensive wines and malodorous ( but delicious) cheeses. She might be a terribly impatient Cook but her wife could whip up a healthy nutritious ( and even delicious, for Carina) smoothie packed full of enough vitamins, minerals, protein and carbohydrates to keep an army on its feet for a week.

And in less time than it took for Carina to decide on her daily outfit.

“Did you here me? I want, I think I want to go home.”

May had nodded, a quiet hmmm then moved on to hanging a couple of shirts in the closet.

“What you don’t want me to come home now?”
Maya was up and dressed and ready to go but Carina was still in her pyjamas. The really comfy tatty pair she’d stolen from her wife a few years ago and wore when she was feeling under the weather or had her period or Maya was on a 48 hr shift. She pushed the bedclothes off her and tried to get up but Maya was quicker, now sitting on the bed beside her, hands on Carinas shoulders keeping her seated.

“I want you home, I want you home last week I want you to never have left. Ok?”
Not waiting for a reply
“I think, maybe when you left..it wasn’t easy to leave? Maybe it was..” she shook her head, “… but maybe it wasn’t? Maybe it was hard to pack up and leave our home and, and turn the lock and walk away?”

She worried her bottom lip as she looked shyly at her wife,hands on shoulders keeping her in place.

“The hardest thing I have ever done, Bambina.” She didn’t even try to stem the tears. Maya’s question had brought her back to that moment. To her walking down the corridor towards the elevator. Two cases in tow. Tears flowing openly.
Walking away from their marriage, from them, not knowing if she’d ever walk in the opposite direction again.

“I don’t want you to come home and then regret it. I don’t want you to come home and wish you hadn’t. I don’t want you to come home and have to do that again.Go through that again. You shouldn’t have to go through that again.
I don’t want to come home and find you gone again.
I don’t want , I can’t go through that again.”

Maya stood and walked towards the window. Carina’s view left a lot to be desired but it was easier than looking at her wife.

“Maya I have to go home sometime.” Carina knew staying in the Hotel was only ever a stopgap. Before going home or making a home for herself somewhere else. Or at least trying. She’d told Maya once that she was her home. Was that still true? Yes, she was pretty sure it was.

“You have to be sure.”

“What’s the alternative, Maya? I can’t stay here forever, seeing you when our shifts align, I..”

“It depends on what the problem is. Am I the problem or…is the Apartment the problem? I just need you to be sure.”

“I’m sure. I think. I think I’m sure.” She smiled and Maya did too.

“Look I’ll text you later to see how you’re feeling, what time do you finish at the clinic? Maybe I can bring you over some snacks, a smoothie that will be easy on your tummy?” She was nearly out the door before turning and walking back to the bed, leaning down to kiss her wife.

“I will wait as long as it takes, I love you, Carina.”

“Maya, bambina,I..”

Maya cut her off with another kiss and hurriedly walked out the door.

She didn’t want Carina to give those words away cheaply. Not after all this time. Not when she was feeling sick and clingy. Not when she hadn’t said them in all those weeks since the Hospital. Didn’t want to hear the words or see her ring until she was sure.

She was half way to the Station when she realised Carina had called her bambina, twice. That alone would fuel her heart for the rest of the day.

.