When Justice Watches

The screen turns on and shows everyone the sapphire blue sea. Sailing through these beautiful waters was a small boat that hosts a green-haired swordsman and a young man in a straw hat.

 “This is a story, of a world of adventure; a sea, full of excitement; and a man, full of dreams, and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top!” said a narrator”

“Wait we’re back at One Piece?” Flash asked, unsure. He didn’t know why, but there was a feeling that this wasn’t going to be One Pice

“Yeah this is like an intro but we already had it.” Impulse noted. Heck, there wasn’t a narrator before.

“My name is Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm gonna be king of the—” began the teen, before the image glitched.

TV static, the scenery changes into one of horror. Blood splatter all over the floors, a few dead bodies, and what seems to be an unusual-looking couple making out over it.

“Oh fuck!” shouted Beast Boy, surprised at the sudden tone shift.

“There we go, mistake corrected.” Tigress chirped. She already could imagine what kind of world this was.

“Ugh, I think I know what we are dealing with in this universe” Constantine groaned. He had already experienced this situation many times. Including one when he had partaken in an orgy. God fucking dammit he needed a smoke.

“Oh, yes! I love you, Edward.” Said one of the most insufferable, bland and sociopathic protagonists in literature

“And I love you, Bella.” Responded the creepy stalkerish woe-is-me asshole.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” the effect was instantaneous. Countless screams littered the air.

The Justice League itself was more groans than screams, given that they were fucking oldies, though many sighed or groaned at the universe. In particular, the parents of the team like Jefferson cried, and some like Diana crushed their armchairs. They had lots of reasons to hate that fucking series.

The other teams, on the other hand?

“IT’S A CODE MEYER!” Thea shouted, the Titans acting like chickens who had just seen a fox enter their coop

“QUICK, SOMEBODY CLAW MY EYES OUT!” Simon cried, getting on his knees.

“CASS NO!” Dawn moved, restraining the Batgirl from going forward with the Lantern’s desire

“I DON’T UNDERSTAND, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS UNIVERSE?” Gary shouted. He wasn’t all that experienced with Earth’s pop culture, so to them he was just seeing his friends crying because of two terrifying persons.

“Yeah we’re gonna need this” muttered Mick, bringing up a reaaallllyyyy big bottle of an alcoholic beverage.

Spirytus Mead. One sip and you will wake up in another world (literally)

Knocking can be heard. Edward walked toward the front door; his gun raised. Why the fuck does this loser have a gun? Bet you he doesn’t even know how to unlock the gun safety.

“Hold on. Who is it?” asked the contender for worst boyfriend in the multiverse.

“Oh, you know…” said a voice, mocking in its tone, and then the door broke.

Multiple gunshots are heard as wave after wave of pure silver bullets penetrate Edward. The wanna-be vampire screams in pain before dying in a bloody mess.

And the fandom rejoiced.

“…YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 The hero responsible holstered his pistol and turned around, allowing the audience to gasp when they saw the killer’s face. The man was pale, wearing vintage sunglasses and a Victorian-style red coat. It was his face, however, that caused their gasps. Right in the shit-eating grin he sported; there were two long fangs.

Alucard: A real fucking vampire!

[Alucard]

[Wore the red coat long before Dante]

“Well well well, and here I though I had seen everything” Constantine muttered, appraising the gunslinger. Niiceeeee

“’Groan’” Batman didn’t feel the same as his magical colleague. He had already had to deal with vampires when Dracula had come to Gotham, and it had been a complete and utter mess.

He also used guns, that was a point against him. Dammit he could already imagine his children’s reactions

“Fuck that was such a cool line” Jason awed, looking like he had found his new role model.

(Cue Intro- Andrew W. K. - Party Party Party)

O Party Party Party

I Wanna Have a Party

I need to have to Party

 You better have a Party

O Party Party Party

You gotta Party Harty 

I’m gonna have a Party

Or Else you won’t be Sorry!

“… Even the song is fucking awesome” Virgil praised. While he was more of hip hop, he also dabbled in rock a lot. And this one was fiineee.

“Ok, anime again people!” Bumblebee announced, before looking at Kyle “Mr. Authority, what are your thoughts about this series?”

“I can safely say that I believe this one is in no way or form a Shonen.” The expert on anime/manga replied, sitting on his conjured elegant chair while drinking tea.

(The scene changes to outside of the house. It was dark out. In a prone position on top of the house was a blonde woman in a yellow uniform aiming a large rifle.)

“Well, he isn’t alone” M’gann said, getting out of her little shock at having seen all the graphic deaths.

“’Fwiyuuuu’, that’s some nice ass heat blondie’s packing” Artemis praised, seeing the girl with the huge ass rifle.

“Hey, Police Girl. Do you have the target?” asked Alucard

(Over at the distance, Bella is running.)

“Okay, Master, my name is Seras. And yes, I have the target in sight.” Responded the blonde apprentice. Frankly, the worst part wasn’t that he was treating this as if she was inexperienced, but that he did this because of dickery.

“Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away.” See, that’s what she was talking about!

“If you just give me a second to concentrate, I could—" Seras began to say, before she was interrupted. When does she realize you can’t talk like that to a troll

“She's getting away. She's running!” For a vampire, he definitely behaves like a troll

“…Man what a dick” Huntress stated, getting nods and agreements.

Kate seriously wanted to go and punch the vampire in the face. What the fuck was he doing, distracting a sniper in the middle of their mission.

(Seras’ eyes turned red)

“I get it! I'm loading up the--

“Going to miss it. Going to miss it!”

“Just be quiet and let me--!”

“Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl!” Dammit Alucard, you’re really asking for it.

(Seras finally took the shot. 13.7mm of pure velocity bullet sailed through the air before hitting Bella in the torso, killing her instantly as blood exploded out of her, leaving behind a huge gaping hole where it hit its mark.)

“Holy shit” Nobody refuted whoever had said that, because that had been, in a word, badass.

“…I know what I want for Christmas” Jason couldn’t look more like a kid in a candy store if he tried.

“THERE! I TOOK THE FUCKING SHOT! SHE'S DEAD, THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!” YEEEESSSSS RRRRRRRRAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEEEEE.

“HAHAHAH FUCK YEAH” Kate laughed like crazy “SUCK IT YOU DICK”

C.Atom just gave her a little birth. He had years of experience to know it was better to let her vent.

“Oh, you are just a treat.” Remarked Alucard, a shit-eating grin in his face. He’s such a prick, and that’s why we love him.

“Wait what?” Kate stopped, seeing the asshole’s proud look.

“oooh he’s that type of teacher” Jefferson realized, sighing.

“Lovely, he’s going to be like that all the time” Raven groaned. It reminded her too much of some demons her father had in his employ.

One Week Earlier

(Alucard can be seen taking a ‘walk’)

“Now I know what you're thinking” Alucard said, doing a voiceover "How did all this come about? Well, it all started in a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full, I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire... mwahahaha-- it's funny.” No, no it wasn’t.

“I… I think I hate him” Kate cried, Huntress coming next to her friend and consoling the woman.

“Agh no puns please” Anissa groaned. She already had to deal with her dad’s puns and dad jokes, she didn’t need a crazy trollish vampire too.

(Alucard arrives at the scene of many ghouls, a vampire priest, and his hostage who was Seras, this time wearing an officer’s uniform.)

At once, lots of the young heroes, and many of the older ones gaped.

The reason? The two giant orbs that the blonde was carrying.

“Hahaha, well I’ll be, she’s just like me!” Karen laughed, seeing a girl who could possibly compete with her on the chest department.

On the other hand, Kara wanted to break something. And cry in rage.

“Ehem” Raven ‘coughed’, snapping her dumbasses from their daydream.

This occurred throughout every team. Funny incidents occurred with Sara and Ava, Hawk and Dove, and of course, Kate and Helena, the latter closing the former’s mouth.

“So, you came.” Said the priest “Too bad you're far too late.”

“What?” he was just taking a walk man, what the heck did he stumble in to?

“Everyone else is already dead. Except for this little tart. (holds Police Girl) “But trust me, I still plan to kill her.” Wow dude, way to sound like a cliché villain

“That fiend! Isn’t he supposed to be a cleric of his lord?” Diana raged, looking at the crime.

“I think you know by know Di, there are bad apples everywhere” Shayera told her. She was still sure that Diana got some terms wrong to have fun with them.

“You know, there’s a joke about Catholics and murders… but I’m not gonna do it” Constantine said. Even he had standards.

“Mmm-hm.” Ok Alucard’s brain, think of a way to escape from this situation. I know, he’s obviously evil, and evil people love to monologue! Ok, get him to monologue and then when he is distracted, perform a Solid Snake and move away from here

“But first... I'm going to rape her.” declared the priest, depriving himself of any sympathy. Dude you are a follower of the church, have you never heard ‘no is no?’

‘Record scratch’

“…OH FUCK NO!” in one moment, that priest had become enemy number one of the entire teams.

“Neat.” In his defense, he’s a misanthrope.

“FUCK YOU” the rage continued, now directed at the uncaring vampire.

“In his defense, pretty sure he has seen many shit throughout his life” Constantine tried to play the Devil’s, or rather vampire’s advocate. At some point, after a long life you sometimes stopped caring for many things.

“Ok is it me? Or does he look like the type of guy to not give a fuck about anything? Conner asked, getting nods in response.

“But before I can do any of that... I'm going to kill you!” oh my god I’m getting second hand embarrassment from this guy.

“Oh? See, that would be intimidating if you were, (mockingly) well, intimidating.” See, Alucard agrees with me.

“Grr... are you mocking me?!” raged the totally not small-proportioned-in-the-crotch priest

“ Oh no, no, no no no no.” Alucard said, performing his best impresión of Homer Simpson “Pffft, yeah.” Attadude.

“Dammit I hate to give it to him, but that’s so badass” Traci groaned.

“Tch, dammit he is” Artemis grumbled.

(Alucard drew his Casull and fired. The bullet penetrated through Seras’ chest and out of the priest killing him instantly. Seras fell to the ground, surprisingly holding on for life.)

Shot through the Heart! ‘And you’re to blame! You give love, a bad name’ (epic guitar solo!)

“Holy shit!”

“DUDE!” Flash shouted, in shock at seeing him so casually shot a hostage.

The rest of the heroes weren’t much better. This guy was one of their new allies?

“Well, that should about wrap things up here.” Alucard stated, having cleared the pest problem.

(Seras is dying with a hole in her chest, in the pool of her blood)

“Oh, yeah, forgot about you. Sorry about that whole "shooting you" thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart - which is currently all over that tree - you'll find a way to forgive me.” Yeessh dude, you could even try to look a little sorry

“HOW?!”

“I-I can’t…” Khalid sputtered. The villainous priest had been one thing, but the apathetic vampire was another entire can of worms.

(Seras is still choking to death, tears pooling out of her eyes)

“Oh, jeez, you look like a puppy. A blonde eviscerated puppy!” Alucard said. Where does he get these comparisons???. He spent some time looking at the dying girl, before finally relenting “Christ, fine, I'll help you! But only because you've got nice tits.”

“’CRUNCH’…sorry, I seem to have broken the table” Diana apologized, her face etched in a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

(Scene changes to some classy-looking place. Standing over the phone wearing a smart suit was an Englishwoman, Integra Hellsing. Standing to the side in a butler suit was Walter C. Dornez, loyal butler of the Hellsing family, he was tall and lean and carried an aura of poised grace.)

[Sir Integra Hellsing]

[Overworked mom]

[Walter C. Dornez]

[He buttles]

“Thank god, these two seem more professional” Canary sighed in relief, kicking back.

“I don’t like him” Damian said, looking at the monocle-wearing butler.

“Damian you don’t like 90% of the people you meet” Arthur Jr told him.

“Make that 99%” Jon corrected, the two boys laughing

“You ungracious idiots. Mark my words, that man will be a villain. I JUST KNOW IT” Damian, dude, this is why people compare you to Zim.

“So that's your field report?” Integra asked Alucard. Poor lady, she has to deal with him

“Yup.” Alucard responded

“You went on a walk through the forest at midnight...”

“Yup.”

“You killed a homicidal vampire priest...”

“Dead.” Alucard, killer of the dead

“And then you turned someone into a vampire... who happened to be a—” she continued, looking so fucking done with life

“(Alucard said, speaking along with Integra ) --big-titted police girl. Yes! It's like I didn't just get through explaining this! Now, if you don't mind... I've got things to do.”

“So our next helper is a vampire that is rude, a perv, an asshole…” Jessica counted, analyzing the new… ally who was going to fight with them.

“Thank god his boss seems much more sensitive” Donna let a sigh in relief, seeing that Alucard wasn’t going to be the only help from his universe. Well, him and the police girl.

“What ‘things’? You don't do ‘things’” Yeah, I’m with Integra on this one. That is sus.

“Yes I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.” Nevermind, Alucard just answered for us.

“And kill homicidal vampire priests.” Integra deadpanned

“Very enthusiastic walks.” The best kind of walks

“You know that kind of feels like us” Astra deadpanned, making the Legends nod. Only they could travel to a time period and cause a future where owls had hyper-evolved and were waging a war against the United colonies of Antkind.

One Week Later

“So that's your field report?” Man, if this happens every week, I’m surprised she didn’t go dead inside.

“Oh god that’s a weekly thing” Dove nearly fainted at the thought. She lived with a bunch of violent trouble-makers and yet Alucard seemed to put them all to shame.

“Yup.”

“So you broke into the house...”

“Yup.”

“And you shot him thirty-six times...”

“Thirty- seven.” Alucard corrected. If she was going to admonish him, the least she could do was get the facts correct.

“And took out his partner.”

“To be fair, that was the police girl. With the big titties” Alucard interjected, adding the last part. It was a very important part.

“You need to stop going on walks.” Integra declared.

“And you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here.” Alucard responded. And he’s right. To deal with a child, you put them in front of TV.

“If that is a walk I don’t want to think what will happen on trips” Oliver said. He had once made the decision to make a road trip with Barry. It had been… something, but the trouble hadn’t been too serious. But this guy? Yeah he would probably end up destabilizing a country.

“What’s DSL?” Impulse asked his friends, unfortunately, none of them could answer him. Well, Tim could, but he was facepalming at how nobody knew about it.

“Ugh... listen. You have an assignment in Ireland.” Integra groaned, thanking god that Alucard’s jobs took him to other countries.

“Ooh, I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot it with my gun, Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?” Either that or gold coins

“Bats, pass me a glass of that” Superman sighed, receiving a jar from Batman. Yeah, they were going to need a lot of patience to deal with this guy.

“They don’t” Traci deadpanned, answering the questions her teammates wanted to pose.

“Sweet Christ...!” Integra cried. Why was her best agent so bloodthirsty? “Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the police girl with you.”

“Oh, come on, I have to bring her everywhere.” Alucard joked

“Ah ah ah, none of the sass!” Integra chided

“Yes, Mooom~” Alucard answered, much like a little kid

“Let’s all give a toast to Integra, for having to babysit an inmortal manchild” Fire raised her glass, and many heroes repeated the action

(Scene changes to the countryside. Church choir can be heard)

Italy

“So what can I do for ya, Father O'mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... Ah-who is also Italian.” Said Anderson, top exorcist of the Catholic church.

[Alexander Anderson]

[Alucard’s mancrush]

“Wait what?”

“That name can’t be real”

“Is that a church?” Plastic Man asked, raising his visor. He hadn’t expected any of this at all.

“Oh boy” Khalid gulped. Having seen how Alucard was… yeah there were going to be a lot of barbs thrown.

“Tell-a me, Anderson.” The father responded, in an exaggerated Italian accent “What is your favorite thing to do?”

“What.. the fuck is that accent?” Zatanna calmly said, even if her twitching eye revealed her true feelings. Seriously it felt like this universe was made to piss people off!

“Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ at the many people of the world. Teaching peace and love for all.” Awww, that’s nice

“And-a killing-a vampires?” the father asked.

“Ah, just try ta fuckin' stop me.” Anderson replied, his grin never leaving his face. If anything, it became a little more bloodthirsty

“And what about... Protestants?”

“Second verse, same as the first. Now put me on a plane so I can put'em in a hearse!” damn, exorcist and poem. Why doesn’t he have a series?

“You know, it doesn’t surprise me that the Catholic church has exorcists” M’gann cheerily said “they are much like the Hunters of our own Church of H’ronmeer”

“The what?!”

“Ugh, just what we needed” Dick groaned, remembering a Batman-wannabee who was a little murder-happy with his sword.

(Scene changes to Ireland at the dead of night. Over at a mansion-like building, gunshots can be heard. Seras is seen sitting in the front, bored out of her mind.)

“Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl!” Alucard said, excitement in his tone “This is awesome! You should totally join in. Seriously, there's like, forty zombies in here. Just one shot to the head and they explode! (gunshot) Just like House of the Dead , only like, a hundred times more awesome!” shit dude, you sound like you are in a sugar rush. Only with blood. A blood rush.

“Fuck that sounds cool!” Hawk happily said, the more battle-hungry Outlaws cheering too

“Hey, could we go to a zombie time and have fun like that?” Mick asked.

“Uh, well” Ava stammered “Technically, we could, just go to a period where there was a zombie apocalypse, so…”

“Fuck Yeah!”

“(breaks through the front entrance) Ugh, fine! I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards. Can't be that much fun.” Seras answered in a tired tone, raising her gun “(She headshots a zombie. Her eyes turned red and she gets aroused) “Oh, fuck the hell, yes~.” Anybody feel something at that?

“Ughk”

“I-I’m just…going to the bathroom for a moment” Wally muttered, and he disappeared in a flash. Many others followed his example.

(Cue scene of Seras killing the ghouls so easily it was pretty much one-sided. It was basically a massacre. Didn’t help with that derange grin on her face)

(The carnage is done and Seras’s about to lick some blood.)

“Phew, ok I’m…” Wally began, only to pause at the scene “nevermind back to the bathroom”

“Sweet Black fucking Sabbath.” Alucard awed, impressed at the brutality of his charge “If I wasn't holding off on that beast of a woman Integra, I'd fuck the red out of those eyes.”

“He truly has no shame” Dinah said, wanting to facepalm.

 (Seras was about to lick the blood before she got stabbed by a dozen bayonets. Oh shit WTF?)

“Oh shit!” Guardian spitted, nearly choking with his food at the surprise from seeing Seras being skewered.

“Well, kinda like that; only with less symbolism and more ‘my penis in your vagina’.” Dude could you be any more crass? (sniffs the air ) “Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy here. (Anderson shows up at the end of the corridor ). Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church. And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch. Progress!” Ahahahah, let’s start the insult game

“Whyyyyy…” Khalid groaned. He knew it was coming, he knew it, but he still hoped Alucard wouldn’t go there.

“This is going to be on the whole time isn’t it?” Patrick deadpanned, getting patted on the back by Rex.

“Ah, look at what we have here... a bloody heathen!” Anderson said, a bloody grin on his face.

“Excuse me, but I'm a fuckmothering vampire! I killed a lot of people to get this title! I deserve to be called such.” Alucard complained, which fair.

“WHY?” Superman groaned, faceplanting in the table. Because the facepalm was not enough for this.

“Well then, mind if I ask you your name?” Anderson asked

“Only if you give yours first, papist.” See, he said it like an insult, but I don’t know the hidden meaning of it.

“Fine, I'll give you the courtesy. The name's --!” Anderson began.

(Scene change)

“Alexander Anderson.” And Walter finished, talking to Integra. The woman, in response, could only say something appropriate.

“Oh, fuck all kinds of duck...!”

“Yeah, he’s a big shot” Garth nodded, seeing the englishwoman reaction. When they were known by and large by their name you knew somebody meant business.

(Scene change)

“You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world! You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later.” Anderson joyfully said “(Smacks blades together) Except you won't... 'cuz I'll have killed ya! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha...!” he’s actually very positive about this, I approve.

“Hold on a moment, I recognize that” Oliver perked up.

Many other leaguers did too, including Batman and Question.

“Oh my! Brilliant speech. And unoriginal. That's totally from Boondock Saints.” Dude this only makes Anderson more likeable, he’s a… can we classify him as a Weeaboo? Or is that only for anime? Bah, he’s a nerd

“Oh god they recognized it!” Cyborg laughed “That’s gotta be embarrassing!”

“Is it a good movie?” Garth asked.

“It’s a cult classic, don’t let the critics say the opposite” Mal answered the atlantean

“What? No it isn't. I came up with it a week ago!” Anderson don’t be afraid to come out, we will accept you just as you are!

“Whatever. We're here for the vampire.” Alucard cut, tired from his mocking

“The only one left here is your sorry pale arse.” Anderson told him, as he had killed the vampire enemy.

(Seras was choking in blood)

“Goddammit Vampire help her!” Artemis (BM) raged, her hate for the vampire growing. Her teammates gave her a wide berth, letting her rage, except Hood, who was too brave and dumb to fall back.

“Yeah, yeah, gimme a minute.” Alucard told Seras, seeing her suffering in the floor “(To Anderson) So what do you want anyway? The nearest elementary school is at least 10 kilometers away.” Nevermind, he turned back with the insults!

“ARGH!” Huntress groaned. She was going to have to ask Zatanna for magical arrows to hurt the son of a bitch

“It is your corrupt acclaim!” oh my~ “It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath!” tell somebody you are interested in them without saying so.

“Boondock... Saints!” Alucard just replied. It would take a lot more than quoting a badass movie to get his interest “Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously! (Chuckles) Get it?” oh god the puns! Or is that a dad joke? I don’t know which is worse!

“Honestly, I could stomach it if not for the puns” Zatanna groaned, remembering her father doing more of them as he got older.

“Okay, you know what?” Anderson said, tired of dealing with the crimson fucker “Fuck it. Knife.”

“’Knife’?” Alucard asked, perplexed “(Gets stabbed on the neck) Huuaah...!”

“FINALLY” every hero who considered themselves a little bit Christian cheered. Oh it was bad, but Alucard was such a dick that he deserved it.

“Master!” Seras cried, having recovered from her wounds

“Boom.” The master just responded, showing the knife didn’t do anything “(Shoots Anderson) Headshot”

“Hold on, this doesn’t seem right” Tim muttered. All of the hype surrounding Anderson and now he went down like this? He wasn’t buying it.

“Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, ‘Count Choc— ‘” He said, preparing a really bad pun tirade…

(Alucard didn’t finish as Anderson somehow got up and decapitated the vampire.)

DECAPITATION!

“Master!” Seras truly cried out this time. She had never seen her master take so much damage!

“HOLY SHIT”

“So a regenerative factor?” Kara asked “Let’s hope it’s not Lobo level

“Oh goddammit he’s like a fucking Deathstroke” Dick cried, remembering the one-eyed jerkass mercenary.

(Anderson got up, The bullet wound in his head starting to heal) “Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, "Frankenber-" They really are fucking identical.

“Wait Frankenstein?” Zari noted, perking up “Well let’s hope he’s not like the G-version”

It had been in one of their time-travelling adventures that they met Frankenstein monster. Onlyyy… their fuck up had caused him to change from a educated, respectable warrior poet into a whiny, spoiled stalkerish crybaby. Suffice to say, they had fixed that issue right away.

(Seras had already disappeared along with Alucard’s head)

“Son of a Protestant whore!” Anderson cursed “Well, you know what time it is.”

RAPE! XXXXX Nope, nope nope nope, Anderson bad guy

“…ok who’s up for paying a beating to the church?” Hawkgirl asked, getting many hands raised up

“Wait isn’t the saying a ‘visit’?” Orion asked, confused “I thought that was the modal verb. Why does your language have to be so confusing!”

“No no, it is big guy” Metamorpho consoled the god “This is just that we’re paying a visit and then…”

“Beat the exorcists. Oooookay I understand now” Orion nodded, getting the point “Let’s pay a beating to the church then”

(Seras is walking away, bleeding, holding Alucard’s head)

“See? This kind of shit is why I stopped going to church.” Seras cried. Completely understandable

(Alucard then Attempted to use telepathy to talk to Seras) “Police Girl... Poliiice Girl... You are reading your master's mind. Put my head between your boooobs.” Facepalm. Everybody facepalm.

All heroes facepalmed.

“Thank god I didn’t remain a vampire” Batman sighed in relief “I could have ended up… like him”

“Now I'm all alone... the only one I had left was you.” Seras sobbed, hugging Alucard’s head.. Oh sure she had Integra and Walter, but they’re in another country.

(Alucard, meanwhile, continued talking telepathically) “Very good! Now the next thing I want you to do is put me between your legs!”

(A random Bayonet stabbed Alucard to the wall) You deserved that Alucard. You deserved that.

“FUCK YEAH” lots of the heroines cheered.

“Goddammit!” Hahahaha suck it!

“It's a shame for you lost your head

A careless vampire who wound up dead

You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize

Too many lies... Too many lies...” Anderson rhymed, suddenly reciting a poem.

“Ok getting Joker flashbacks” Hood gulped, hugging his redheaded girlfriend. The amazon just grabbed her man and held him close.

“(thinking) What do I do? What do I do!? I... I could try seducing him. Wait no, I'm not an eight-year-old boy! SHIT!” That’s some really shitty luck, poor Police Girl.

“Well they’re dead” Crush bluntly said, eating some of her chips. Pity, these guys seemed fun to hang around with.

“Say your prayers, wee lass!” Anderson exclaimed, raising his bayonets to kill the, as Taokaka from blazblue would put it, the ‘booby lady’.

(Anderson’s bayonet gets destroyed by gunfire. To the side is Integra and two bodyguards.) Who the fuck are those two?

“Phew!”

“The cavalry to the rescue!”

“That girl belongs to me.” Integra declared, full queen moment.

“Well, aren't you the naughty one!” Anderson just replied, humour in his tone

“Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head!” Alucard already tried. Didn’t work

“What the hell do, you want you crazy Protestant bastard?” Anderson asked angrily, being denied of his kills.

“I'm a woman.” Integra just responded, anger in her tone.

“Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy Protestant bastard.” Anderson answered, showing that he judged all enemies of the church equally.

“…Well at least he doesn’t discriminate on gender” Bart tried to add some levity, getting some laughs now with the situation a little more calm.

“You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement.” Integra told him. Why did she have an agreement with the church if they were just going to ignore it? You do that covertly, not in the open like this fucking idiot!

“And what part would that be?” It’s even worse because he doesn’t care!

“The part where you're here... killing my men!” Integra shouted, feeling like she was talking to a little kid. Just like with Alucard.

 (Anderson then goes and kills her two guards. He locks into Integra, who blocks with her sword.)

“Goddammit this guy is crazy!” Steph cried, seeing the mad exorcist killing the Hellsing grunts.

“Thank god our Frankenstein is not part of the church” Courtney sighed in relief. She had met the guy in a JSA meeting, and she could honestly say the big guy was much more affable than this guy.

“I have no idea what you're on about! I'm just here doin' my job! Killin' vampires, an' werewolves, an' leprechauns. I never actually found one, but do ya think if I cut one open with ma knife, it would spill out Lucky Charms?!” He really is the Catholic Alucard.

“Again? Why do the strongest guys in this universe have to be the dumbest too?” Traci facepalmed. Why the heck did they believe leprechauns were filled with cereal?!

“Just shut up!” Integra retorted, feeling migraines already “Where the hell is Alucard?!”

“Oh, him? I killed him!” Anderson answered happily

“Killed him?” Integra asked, raising an eyebrow. This guy had to be new, because you didn’t just kill Alucard.

“Cut off his bloody head!” Anderson continued, his grin getting wider.

“Oh!” Integra said, realising that, yes, this guy was new “Well, that's step one. What about two through ten?”

“How many?” Plastic Man sputtered.

“So there is a process to kill him” Fate smiled, thinking about if he ever needed to destroy the chaotic being.

“Wouldn’t just throwing him into the sun work?” Karen asked, pointing out the obvious.

“Ah, Christ!” Anderson moaned, suddenly realising that he hadn’t killed the heathen infidel.

(Alucard regenerated as epic choir played in the background) Fucking Drama queen

“Fuck he’s so cool” Hood awed, still in the embrace of his girlfriend.

“You done goofed.” You know, he reminds me a little of Tony Stark, the MCU interpretation.

“How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that??” Anderson asked, mind-boggled

“Fuck you, that's how.” Beautiful. Simply beautiful. Gonna use this as much as I can.

“Gonna use that” lots of heroes said at the same time.

“You know what? I've had enough of this.” Anderson said, realising a losing battle. Besides, he had already completed the mission. “(He grabs a bible and disappears in a wave of bible papers) To hell with all you dirty heathens!” how the fuck did he do that? And why did he never use that skill again?

“Eat me! Don't forget to write!” Alucard responded, giving his best interpretation of a grieving lover.

“You know he’s kidding, but I can see the two of them doing it” Steph pointed. Given the amount of hero/villain relationships, and the sheer tension that she could already tell these two would have, it wasn’t far off to assume it.

“Oh... oh my God... We survived!” Seras, meanwhile, was just glad to be alive.

“Sooo...” Alucard drawled, looking at his boss

“What?” she responded, looking done with life

“Do I get to go after him?”

“No.”

“Aww, come on!” Alucard complained

“Damned Vampire Blood Knight” Shining Knight groaned. Of course the damned wacko was a blood knight.

“No, and that's final!” Integra stated. She already had too much on her plate without Alucard causing an international incident by attacking the church “We've got bigger things to worry about. Whoever's behind these vampire attacks, it has to be some kind of large organized group.”

“Like the Nazis?” Alucard asked, thinking of the first bad group that came to mind.

“That would be retarded.” Integra replied, looking at Alucard like he was dumb. He had been part of the group who killed Nazis, they should all be dead, and he should remember it!

Oh dear

“No, you’ve got to be kidding me!” Wonder Woman snapped

“We already have them in Marvel, now we’re going to have them here too?!” Kate cursed.

Meanwhile

(Scene changes to some headquarters, a familiar symbol is seen. And a portly, rotund man is seen in the spotlight)

“Gentlemen... ve... are Nazis...” said the Jim Gaffigan fat expy.

“Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!” responded the nameless idiot mooks whose only worth was being objects of hate

“Und we... will have war~” you know what I gotta hand it to him, he was a very good written villain.

“Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!” is that really the only thing you all can say losers?!

“Und ve... U-UND VE...! ATCHUUH!” wow, what a blunder.

“Gesundheit! Gesundheit!” called it, they are dumbasses.

“Aha,ahahahahahHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH” Atom started, before he delved into a mad laughing fit. His teammates took the advantage of the viewing finishing and standing up.

“Uhh, Ray, you ok?” Nate tentatively asked.

“Yes, yes I am” the sizeshifter said “Oh, they are there. But just think about who is the protagonist we are seeing.”

The words settling in, the rest of the Legends laughed too. Oh they were in for a wild ride.

Omake!:

AI 7041915 was carrying out its mission. A sizable amount of fear had been caused by a specific being, and they were on its way to induce the individual into the Yellow Lantern corps.

They were previously named the Sinestro Corps, until many complained that it felt like a cult of personality. And seeing as only Sinestro complained about the change, they went and did it anyway.

However, it was having problems. For one thing, the planet was home to a lot of individuals causing fear. And there was also the fact that numerous individuals visited the planet and wreaked havoc, so some of that fear could be directed towards them.

Thankfully, they could find the fear trail remaining on Earth, so they didn’t need to make more trips.

Following the Zeta trail, they landed on a settlement called ‘Gotham City’ which, in the description, was named as one of the scariest places to live in the planet.

As expected of its future user.

Ok, let’s see who we got.

This guy dressed in rags? No, a real master didn’t need to depend on petty tools.

The reptilian being? He was scary, but the fear the caused was superfluous, it was more reactionary of his monstruous appearance.

Ohhh, the badly dressed man had the makings! He seemed to expel an aura of fear and madness worthy of one of their lanterns. 

“ERROR! ERROR! ERROR!” its database suddenly blared “The individual known as ‘Joker’ is explicitly forbidden of getting his hands in any ring of the Emotional Spectrum. He must not become a lantern.”

…Dammit. If the weirdly dressed albino was not his user, then were the fuck were they?

And suddenly, a shadow covered it. The ring turned to scan the individual. Tall, imposing, clad in dark colours, a glare that could make the greatest of beasts cower. He… HE WAS PERFECT!

“BATMAN OF EARTH, YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN BY YOUR CAPABILITY TO INSTILL GREAT FEAR” the ring announced, getting the bat-costumed hero to look at it “WELCOME TO THE YELLOW LANTERN CORPS”

“…I should have stayed home like Alfred said.”