Chapter 2
The man I want to become is someone who would be missed.
If you asked me ten years ago to shadow the man I wanted to become, I would’ve followed Richard Parker, the scientist who always gave the best raspberries and had the greatest knock-knock jokes, my dad. I don’t remember much about him, but I remember waiting for him to get home from work, sitting in the kitchen, feeling that rush of happiness when he finally walked through the door.
He was the best dad I could have, until he wasn’t. My dad would never leave me waiting in the kitchen, until the day he did. When I grow up, I want to be the man who carries the smell of home and is so present that even ten years later, my love and the lessons I live by are still alive, even if I’m not.
If you asked me five years ago to shadow the man I wanted to become, I would’ve followed Ben Parker, the policeman who always saw the best in people and had all the time in the world to hear me out, my uncle and my dad. I remember so much about him, and I still miss hearing his laugh and him saying, “Come here and give me a proper hug, young man.”
He was the best dad I could have after becoming an orphan so young, after being so hurt and shy, and so scared, until he wasn’t. My uncle would never let me go a day without a hug, until the day he did. When I grow up, I want to be the man who makes people better, who chooses to see the best in them, and makes the world a better place. I want my hugs to be so full of love that the people I care about never feel alone, even when I’m no longer there.
But you’re asking me now to shadow the man I want to become, so I follow Tony Stark, the man whose time is worth so much, yet he chooses to be generous with it, chooses to always be present, to love like nobody else, my mentor and my dad. There are days I still can’t believe I get to have this. Not the attention of Iron Man, but the love of another dad who’s irreplaceable.
No one but Tony Stark could be the dad I need after losing two already, after feeling like Peter Parker had nothing to offer to the world. Tony reminds me that the man I want to be isn’t good because of what he can do or how he spends his money. He’s good because of how he chooses to love his family every day. I don’t care about being loved by everyone else; I just want to be loved by my family, to be enough for them, to always be by their side when they need me, just like every one of my dads.
The day I spent following Tony was terrifying. Everyone has already heard about the shooting, but at that moment, seeing him go toward danger without a suit was one of the scariest things of my life. But in those hours, and in the ones that came after, I learned a lot about the man I want to be. I want to be a man who is so good, so loved, that my absence in my family's life would be felt forever.
All my dads were, and Tony is, a man like that. When Tony chose to face the shooter, all I could think was that I needed to hear him call me "sweetheart" a few more times, that I needed more moments with him, that our family needed him to keep going, to stay happy. All my life, I’ve had to learn how to miss people, how to grieve, and it’s easy to forget that life isn’t just about regretting what wasn’t done or what can’t be done. It’s about choosing to keep trying, to keep learning, and to make sure the people around you feel loved.
That’s why I always go say hi to May and to Tony and Pepper when they get back from work, because I learned that from my dad. That’s why I give so many hugs, I learned that from my dad. And that’s why I always try to enjoy the moments fully and not think about anything else when I’m with my family, I learned that from my dad. And I’m still learning with him about when to stop and choose myself, because a man who is missed is a man who knows the importance of coming home until he no longer can.
Peter Parker