Healing
It was a weird experience, walking to the car not alone, in a way which didn’t feel annoying, irritating. When people followed Miguel on his way home it was usually a coworker, higher up, Tyler. Following him, talking about work things he hated, he didn’t care for at all. Now it was just walking in silence to the care with someone he guessed he hated, but not at this moment.
He’d get not in the driver's seat but instead the passengers, LYLA wouldn’t drive, Angel would, Angel would make some comment on the car model, Miguel couldn’t care less, he wasn’t into cars at all.
Part of him wondered why he said what he said, why he’s doing what he’s doing, maybe it was just his body his throat, voice calling out for help without him wanting it, he did kinda want it, but didn’t deserve it.
“Do you think you’ll start talking to everyone again soon?”
Snapped out of it, he didn’t even know why Angel was talking, asking about this.
“I don’t know, maybe. I told Gabriel I wasn’t going to contact him for a bit…so it’d be weird to contact him soon after that.”
“Is that what you told him? That you weren’t going to talk to him for a bit”
“Yeah…I mean I think. My head is…I…I know I would have said I wouldn’t talk to him in a bit as that makes sense.”
“Yeah. But also who cares about what makes sense. Who cares if you say you won’t talk to him for a few days, then a few hours later you contact him.”
“…can you just drive instead of talking?”
Maybe a minute of silence goes by, probably not even talk, Angel wasn’t the type to shut up.
“LYLA what was the last message Miguel sent to Gabriel.”
“.no No. LYLA Don’t-“
“I am completely fine, I just require some time alone, apologies for not replying back sooner, I will message you when I am ready to speak again, message end, that was the final text.”
Huh Miguel didn’t remember putting it like that at all. He was still grumpy at what just happened though.
“Don’t command my AI system, LYLA you do not follow his commands, he is not me, don’t respond to him.”
Angel chuckled. LYLA didn’t even respond.
“Hey look now it won’t feel weird. You didn’t tell him for a few days.”
“Look just, I…I said to him when I’m ready, I’m not ready at all, I don’t…can you not try to pressure me into things, you’ve done enough of that”
More silence, he was expecting a straight away cocky response, some ‘don’t tell me what to do! I can pressure all I want! Blah blah blah!’
“Okay. I’ll stop. Don’t want you jumpin out of the car. Trying to stop you from doing crap like that.”
More silence. Miguel felt bad he got that type of reaction out of Angel, it was scary, not scary as Angel doesn’t act like that, but because Angel not going down that cocky road meant he had scared Angel, he had scared someone that didn’t like him enough to be this concerned about his life, to be concerned about if a wrong move would lead to his end.
It made Miguel feel manipulative, Angel would do anything to keep him alive, that made him a manipulator right? That’s the one reason Angel was even going to help Miguel right now. Even if it wasn’t intentional. It was.
“Where do I park?”
“Huh…”
“Where do I park? Is there some parking complex somewhere for your apartment building?”
“Oh yeah just. Down there, turn right, one with the big Alchemax residences only”
“Do I need your ID or something to get in?”
“No it registers the number plate, car type, fact my car isn’t In its place. A few others.”
“That seems…dangerous, someone could easily get in.”
“No one tries, so I don’t think so.”
“…huh”
He could see downtown ever so slightly from the way they were driving, disappearing as the car went closer in between buildings, tall skyscrapers, to a place to park. Both leaving the car. Miguel scratched the back of his head.
“…I’ll just lead the way I guess.”
And he would start walking, Angel following behind, looking at all the architecture. Miguel never cared for it, it was basic, fancy, and boring. The elevator trip to the top floor, always quick, always quick enough that the music doesn’t make him want to die, unless of course other people are going to other floors at the same time as him. Why was he even thinking of that? He’s distracting himself that’s why.
“You know, nevermind, this whole idea…bad, maybe let’s both forget about it.”
The elevator door opened.
Angel stepped out ignoring that.
“Didn’t you hear me? I-“
“If you really thought that you would have tried to use some words most people can’t understand, like.” They coughed, like voice training to do a impression of him…poorly
“Angel, with this whole idea, nevermind, it’s utterly ridiculous, nonsense even, let us both forget about our conversation around it, the plans for it, and arriving on this floor, no blackmail attached. Did you not hear me?”
“….thats a bad impression”
“Forgive me I can’t get your lisp right, I need to have fangs for that.”
“I don’t speak like that.”
“You do when you are upset. Not wanting something, angry. You speak like you are writing an email where you have to have at least 100 or more words for something that is should only have 50”
Miguel sighed
“I’m not upset about this whole thing, I don’t…I do want to…”
“Act gay and cuddle and shit”
“Don’t put it like that.”
“That’s what it is, but hey there are no feelings involved, so who cares, or are you upset cause no feelings are involved.”
Normal unforgivable Angel back.
“You know what, I’m going to throw out a window, 100 stories down.”
“I’ll latch on so I take you with me.”
They waited for Miguel by his door, he sighed and opened it.
“Once again, no talking about this, no blackmail, don’t mention it ever-“
“I’m not going to even mention it in my diary. It’s for embarrassing stuff not humiliating stuff”
“You know no one is forcing you to do this, I don’t care if you don’t. At all”
“Oh it’s fine, I’m fine doing this, it’s good if I do end up wanting to blackmail you while taking myself down as well”
“…”
“It’s a joke, I’d never take myself down. I’m too hot to fall and get humbled like that.”
As the door opened Miguel just rolled his eyes, an over exaggerated one, he didn’t actually know what a proper eye roll was, he took it literally, so he did it literally, Angel looked around, taking their shoes off by the door, same with miguel, seeming to take in the fact they get to be in penthouse luxury for a bit.
“Wow it’s so…empty feeling. No wonder you want to kill your self, this is depressing”
“Okay this is when you shut up for good.”
Angel just stood straight, not speaking again though definitely laughing under their breath, Miguel put his things away. Staying silent as well.
More silence.
“I know you said I should shut up for good, but if I don’t speak you’ll never do anything. What you said you did?, cuddle on the couch, so go on the couch.”
“…nevermind this was a bad decision. This is a terrible decision.”
Now regret and realism was seeping in, this was Angel, and they made plans to cuddle, why the fuck would he ever do that.
“I’ll shut up after you get on the couch. If I’m going to pretend to be your dead lover so you can cope instead of doing therapy like anyone else would, I’m going to do it…either that or I’m going to rob your penthouse of booze, I know when a place reeks of having good wine.”
“Just leave. And don’t take the wine. It isn’t yours”
“Are you going to go to therapy then?”
“…no.”
Angel eyes did a proper eye roll unlike Miguel, walking over and pulling him to the couch. He could resist, but nothing will happen. They agreed on that, he knew it was safe, even if he hated it, he wouldn’t stop it. Angel laid him down. If Miguel wasn’t getting any people, not getting the comfort he needed or therapy then he’ll probably be dead soon, he didn’t want to live, but he did accept comfort, even if forced. Even if uncomfortable at first.
“How would you cuddle Dana?”
“…I…um…”
He slightly repositioned.
“We would…I guess Dana would…”
“Just move me to the position.”
He would tell Angel that was weird, wrong, sounded wrong definitely. But he slowly got his hands to approach Angel, taking a deep breath in, getting Angel to lay on him, Angel's head to Miguel’s chest. Moving one of Angels hands to be under angels chin. Like making Angel try to lean a certain way.
“She used to lay like this…except she was…shorter…way shorter than you, so her feet would be at my feet while her head would be to my chest.”
He shifted his gaze to how angels feet weren’t even close to his, moving down quite far, Angel was taller it made sense, but made things feel less real. He knew it wasn’t real but he wanted it to be.
His gaze softened, almost squinting to just blur out Angel, to make out Dana. It wasn’t really awkward anymore, Angel didn’t make any snarky comment, not once since laying down, just letting Miguel focus on…Dana. He struggled a lot with coping, he never was good with anything. Coping as something he hated the most, because he couldn’t do it. Dana died by the hands of his brother, when he should have saved her. It wasn’t fair to her, not to her family, not to anyone, he would have rather he had taken her place. He ran a hand through Angel’s hair curling it softly.
“I would curl her hair up in a finger, give her a few kisses as she giggled. And talk to her about her day, she’d ask me if I wanted her hair longer due to how obsessed I was with playing with hers, I never did. I liked her hair, because it was…her hair.”
Angels hair was a different texture completely to Dana’s, different feeling, different length, different color, but if he played with it from a certain length he could pretend it was Dana’s
“I hated work so much, still do, but I’d come home happy as I’d see her. Then when I became spiderman, I started…stopping. Stop being happy, stop coming home to see her. There were so many times she’d not have me around, I was meant to be around her more. But before I could ever consider doing that. I watched bullets disfigure her.”
His breathing was soft, more soft than it had been for a while, relaxed. He could feel the breathing of Angel, he could pretend it was Dana.
“The worst thing is I’m this…upset. Meanwhile I don’t even know if she died loving me. I pushed her away so far. Messed up so much that she died not loving me because she thought I didn’t love her.”
“…why do you think that?”
He didn’t really expect Angel to speak back, he was rambling so it was going to happen, he just was expecting endless talk.
“…my mother looked at me differently after she died, not in a disapproving way, but In a way, where it felt like she knew something I didn’t…I watched my own father. Grieve her the same way I did.”
He just focused on all the breathing when saying that, focusing on what was around him was better than all those thoughts.
“So you think she might have cheated?”
“Yeah. I don’t…blame her…I mean I’m not quite sure what happened. In a way I took a break with her…but it was barely…any time. And straight away…she might have gone to my dad. But I don’t want to think about that, I hate thinking about that. I just want to think about how we’d cuddle, how she did love me.”
“…for what it’s worth I think she died loving you.”
“You weren’t even near the area when she died. You didn’t even know her. You can’t say that.”
‘I knew Gabriel. And Gabriel talked about you two. I think she died loving you. From what I’ve heard.”
“…even if she loved me, she felt the same for my own father.”
“That’s only a suspicion.”
He took a breath in, just focusing on the curling of the hair in his fingers. Rubbing down the arm, he would do that to Dana, it was a comforting movement, but he always did it to comfort himself, because it made Dana smile, more comfortable, and it made it feel like he wasn’t entirely a failure.
“It’s a suspicion with a bit of evidence though.”
“Yeah well. Not concrete. No one has properly confirmed it to you, so just…let her die, it's the thought nothing happened, don’t let an afterthought change how you feel about her.”
“…I don’t think it could, she’ll always be Dana, amazing, beautiful, kind. It’s just…how I feel about me. I can’t explain it…and I don’t think even if I tried I could.”
“…that’s fine you don’t have to.”
“…but I want to.”
He rubbed up the arm, watching the goosebumps of a natural reaction, Dana used to do a little shiver with the touch.
“Dana used to just press into me, let me hold her, touch her hands softly, give small massages, that’s the Dana I have remembered always and always will. The Dana I fell in love with…when I really shouldn’t have but still do. I just… if a woman who had so much love for me, she’d do this with me, stopped loving me, and would prefer a man I talked so much hatred about, a man I told her was evil. Am I worth…anything. If she died not loving me, does my death make no one upset?”
There was silence, he went from rubbing Angel's hand to gripping onto it, tearing swelling up. His eyes were becoming irritated
“…your friends will be upset. Gabriel will be…destroyed.”
“But what if that’s only a split second, what if after, life gets better for all of them, so they prefer being without me…like how Dana might have been.”
“….”
“…..”
“…….”
“When my partner Cydney died, I became like you, a shell, I didn’t want to keep living, she was my entire world, I did everything for her and I’d do everything for her again, I spent so much trying to keep her alive, but the world didn’t let her…be with me. I got to have my last words with her, she didn’t die suddenly. But she told me I had to live on and I wasn’t allowed to kill myself because I’d make everyone sad and I’d make her sad. That if she became a star, she’d explode. Out of sadness. If Dana got to have proper last words with you. I think maybe she would have said the same, worded differently.”
Angel gripped Miguel’s hand back, more soft and gentle than Miguel’s intense grip. Their breathing was really soft. It felt like there was a wet spot in the upper part of Miguel’s shirt, Miguel knew Angel was probably crying a little. Hiding it. He knew that Angel pressed into Miguel like Dana did, but Angel would only do that to hide their face.
“…why do you think that?”
“Because she was the most amazing, most beautiful woman I ever met, that would do anything for me. And Dana was like that for you. Death is hard Miguel, trying to understand how you should see someone after death is hard. But it gets better.”
“Do I ever get over all this death?”
“No but you stop seeing it as a bad thing, you just have to put their photos up so they stay alive in everyone’s memory for díande los muertos. Talk about them sometimes maybe, keep thinking about them every once and a while, even if it’s once or twice a year. Death sucks, but it happens to everyone, you never get over it. But you learn to become yourself again.”
Miguel shouldn’t have been getting more upset over everything, he shouldn’t be tearing up more, but his cheeks had straight wet lines now and they were constantly rehydrating.
“I feel like a stupid little child, that I have to get…that answer from you, when it should just be known.”
“Most people don’t know it, Miguel. It’s not something that people know until they have to learn it.”
“But it feels so…simple. So easy. Yet so hard.”
“That’s how it is. It’s called being human, you have human emotions. No matter what, you are human.”
“….barely.”
“Barely is still human.”
A few minutes of just silence passed, both of them did need a moment, mostly Miguel, coming to terms with everything wasn’t something he was used to, he didn’t really enjoy it, as he didn’t enjoy crying and it made him sob like a baby. He hadn’t cried like that in years, he did cry but he tried not to. Not like this.
“Why are you doing this Angel?”
“Because keeping you alive keeps Gabriel alive, and he’s pretty important to me.”
“…no I meant…why are you still doing this, I know…you kinda know that at this point I’m not a danger to myself.”
Miguel was probably not a danger to himself, not at this moment anymore anyways, it’d be stupid to do something stupid.
“I guess it’s also comforting for me.”
“Huh? How would it be for you? Because you talked about Cydney?”
Angel didn’t respond for a few seconds, not in an ignoring way, Miguel knew that he could see Angel was just coming up with words.
“Yeah…that. I don’t really talk to anyone about her. I don’t really have anyone in my life that can relate to their partner they thought they’d marry dying. But there are other reasons it’s comforting.”
Miguel’s eyes moved down to look at Angels, from his angel he could really just only see the long white eyelashes, with glasses falling off of Angel's face as they stopped caring about if they could see or not.
“What are the other reasons?”
“….”
Angel took a breath in, a big one, eyes looking up, now Miguel could see their purple pupils. no hatred in their eyes this time. No look of mocking, annoyance or mischief.
“Because I know nothing is going to happen.”
“…what do you mean by that?”
“You’re not going to try anything, to…do anything, it’s good knowing that. I kinda don’t get that with others usually. It comes with…I guess you call it celebrity status. Being a big cyberspace deal makes…it…you know. I don’t like being lost for words, don’t tell anyone I’m stuttering, or you will be dead.”
“…no need to be defensive,” Miguel chuckled ever so slightly. “I’m not going to tell anyone”
“…I know this is just you coping with the death of your fiancé, you aren’t going to do any funny business, and I know you aren’t, if I were to cuddle with others, they’d probably try to try and kiss, or flirt, or I don’t know, something. Even if not…in that context, maybe they’d try to kill me, strangle me. You wouldn’t cuddle up to me to strangle me…you’d just do it, and you wouldn’t as you don’t want to upset Gabriel ... .I feel safe.”
“Weird. Feeling safe around someone you hate.”
“I’m not sure if I hate you, I definitely dislike you heavily. But if I hated you. I wouldn’t feel safe. Either that or I'd be doing this during a manic episode.”
“Are you having a manic episode?”
“…no.”
“…for what it’s worth, I don’t hate you either…just heavily dislike you as well.”
“I’m so lucky.”
They both chuckled softly at that, Miguel could feel the soft chuckling against his chest.
“…I might call Gabriel tomorrow. Or at least…text him…”
“…good idea. Out of nowhere though to say that.”
“Not really. Not for me at least. I think I just…really needed this with...you…I don’t think anyone else would set me straight like you, you aren’t kind, I think I needed that.”
“Needed humbling?”
“…bluntly. You speak bluntly. But in a way I understand. You explain things in a way others don’t. I needed those explanations.”
“Huh. Maybe I should become a therapist then.”
Just joking around now. Just comfortable. Acting like close friends, like nothing is strange, like Miguel wasn’t on the verge of creating his own death hours ago.
“Maybe you should. You’d help a lot of people.”
Small conversations happened every once and a while. It got late, Angel got up, stretching and speaking about going home. Miguel felt empty without touch but knew it could come back with others, Gabriel would probably hug him the moment he could see him again.
“It’s late and you’d need to take a taxi, you can just rest in the spare bedroom if you want?”
“Don’t know, means I have to wake up in the same home as you, and I don’t have any of my things, I don’t even want to know what my hair would look like skipping one day without a bonnet when I’ve worn one to bed everyday for months…”
“…fair enough, I can prepay? Considering you’re here because of me.”
“Don’t even worry about It, I’ll pay for it.”
“I’m saying I’ll feel really bad.”
“Okay I’ll grab some alcohol then. That’s your payment for making me be here.”
“…okay I don’t feel that bad, the alcohol is ten times more costly than a taxi ride.”
Angel just laughed saving Miguel off, Miguel watched him leave just to make sure they didn’t grab any of his alcohol, he had expensive wines, ones that Angel would have in one sitting when it’s meant for at least 20 sittings. No respect. As Angel left Miguel stayed on the couch for a few more minutes.
“…LYLA”
“Yes Miguel”
He sat up, stretching his arms, it kinda hurt having laid down for so long with Angel leaned on him. Angel was definitely bigger than Dana.
“Lock the doors. Set all the lights to turn off in a minute.”
“Yes Miguel”
He stood up, walking to his bedroom, he really needed to start the cleaning process, he still had half a wardrobe of Dana’s clothes, half the things in the room were hers. That wouldn’t help him feel better. He flopped on the bed though, it was a tomorrow issue, one he’d make Gabriel help him with as he knew he wouldn’t be able to do it himself.
“LYLA”
“Yes Miguel.”
“Read out all the messages Gabriel has sent to me since I muted him.”
“Yes Miguel… one message: alright. Understand, love you, talk to you soon Mig. End message”
“…LYLA, send a message, talk to you tomorrow, want to grab lunch? I have work off for a bit.”