Acceptance
It was hopeless. All of it. Hurting himself was all he did; scraping his skin dry, digging his claws into his stomach, tearing off the flesh covering his arms until his arm was just a raw, swollen muscle. With every substance he took, every slit to his skin, nothing eased the bitterness in his gut.
But still, nothing felt enough to own up for his doings.
The question of ‘How did I get here’ reverted in his mind at all times of the day, almost making him laugh.
He’s tried everything.
But the anger for himself, the throb in his chest was something that not even the deepest wound could reach.
At this moment, it seemed like his regenerative healing factor existed solely to punish him; mocking him and forcing him to face the consequences.
The irony was not lost on him.
His lips almost twitched up into a sardonic smile, but he caught himself. He didn’t deserve it. He realized that – now, more than ever — he had, once again, ruined the only good thing he had.
Logan has always been an insufferable man. It was like it was determined by fate for him to be this grumpy, pathetic guy that was destined to rot away with time.
But one man, one single man, bypassed and ignored this rule like nobody’s business.
Wade Wilson. Insufferable, loud, and obnoxious Wade. The Deadpool.
Every problem that Logan thought he had, met with its match when Wade came into the picture. Dealing with an issue of his own, you bet Wade would face the same issue head-on, equipped with a few dickjokes and your mom jokes, and it would be dealt with in such grace and ease.
It was one day, he remembered. He was going through a particularly bad episode. One that had his chest hurting, heart palpitations so intense that it almost hurt to breathe.
…
Logan locked himself in the bathroom, his vision blurry. The water he had splashed on his face didn’t seem to do anything. He stumbled back to lean against the bathroom door, trying to control his breathing. Resting his head against the hard surface, he found it quite an effort to stay conscious.
But then, a loud crash from the living room knocked him out of his gaze, the sound almost having him jump. The intrusion had his face contorting into a mild scowl, his body straightening up. Annoyed, he stormed out of the room, a scowl on his face.
Reaching the living room, the sight had him stunned. Before him, there stood a very distressed-looking Wade, his hands on his head as his eyes darted everywhere in a panic. It was only then that Logan’s eyes got drawn to the knocked over table and the shattered mug of water appeared to be water, spilled all over the floor. The water trail led to a sticky, pink puddle. The same puddle that dogpool was currently stuffing her face into it, looking quite pleased.
Seeming to have finally composed himself, Logan opened his mouth to speak, but Wade beat him.
“Peanut! Oh thank god you’re here.”
Still bewildered, Logan watched as Wade crouched down, trying to – what Logan assumed to be — gently persuade the small dog to leave the pink blob, but to no avail. With a small breath, Logan reluctantly moved closer to get a better look.
“What the hell is happening here? I was kinda in the middle of something,” he grumbled, suspiciously eyeing the mess on the floor with revulsion.
Wade continued his attempts at coaxing dogpool, wincing. After a bit, his shoulder sagged, seemingly in defeat. He looked up at Logan, a nervous grin plastered on his face. “You know that bag of cotton candy I bought the other day?”
“Yeah, I remember. I told you not to buy it because you were essentially paying $5.49 for pure suga-”
“That one! Yeah, well, I finally decided to take it out of the cupboard- to you know, enjoy. I took it out of the pack and poured myself a cup of water.”
“Balance,” Logan said flatly, raising an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed.
“Of course,” Wade said proudly, “But as I was making my way to the couch, Mary puppins caught sight of my treat. And, what do you know, I’ve never seen her so happy to see me. So when she came trotting over, I set my cup down on the small table, and bent down to give her a bit.”
Logan’s eye twitched. This idiot .
As if reading his mind, Wade snorted.
“Oh don’t give me that look. It was only gonna be a small bit, I swear! A treat, if you will.” Then, he sighed. “Well, that was the plan. As I was carefully taking a small piece out, she’s already taken hold of the whole thing in her little teeth!” He made a dramatic show of clutching the air. “So obviously, I’m fighting back! I’m telling her to let go– because it’s mine— but she had it locked , Logan.”
The other listened in horror, blinking at the wild account of the events. As Logan listened, a scene unfolded in his head: a cartoonish act of where the two were playing tug-of-war over this bit of cotton candy.
Wade continued, exasperation making its way into his voice. “At the end, we literally tore the thing in half! But the impact sent me stumbling back, knocking over the table, and my… cup of water.”
Logan’s eyebrow lifted. Ah, so that’s what the crash was . That also explained the sticky, pink slime on their floor. He couldn’t deny, the imagery was slightly amusing. His lips twitch up subtly.
Wade’s distraught expression wasn’t helping, either, only adding to his amusement.
The man couldn’t help but chuckle, the laughter growing as Wade’s splutters grew in volume, each more frantic than the previous. “Peanut, this is not a laughing matter!”
Wade continued in exasperated bursts of disbelief.
“Mary is my literal child, and you’re laughing.”
“Logan, please do something, she’s practically already diabetic.”
Logan was folding by now, clutching his stomach as he struggled with silent wheezes. It was only what Wade said next that got Logan to stop:
“I’ll throw away all your beer.”
That silenced the older man immediately, having him straighten up and clear his throat. Quietly; obediently, Logan moved straight into action— cleaning up the mess, much to Mary's displeasure.
…
Thinking back, Logan smiled sadly. He didn’t realize it then, but the stupid situation, although unconventional, probably saved him that day. He was so distracted by the strange ordeal that he forgot all about his breakdown in the bathroom.
Wade seemed to have that effect; bringing a new perspective that seemed to distract him from his problems, pushing them away.
The walls he had built around himself, to protect himself, were deftly eluded by this one man. And as each day passed, a day eventually came that he faced the horrifying truth that he; Logan Howlett, the worst wolverine, had grown an affection for Wade Wilson.
It was only natural that, as time went on, Logan began growing accustomed to Wade’s antics, as questionable as they may be. His dumb stories, jokes, and humor—inappropriate, most times—grew on Logan, despite himself and all that he stood for.
The feeling was too close, too dangerous. He knew that it would end, it always did.
So, that fateful night, he vowed to close himself off, pushing him away permanently. It was gonna hurt, but it would be for the best. For both of them.
And now Logan had pushed him away. The one person that cared about him, the one person that might’ve given him a life worth living. He dipped his head, chuckling quietly, the sound dripping in sorrow.
He wanted this, didn’t he? So why did his heart ache for Wade? How was it that he longed to feel the familiar warmth that came with his presence, to hear that stupid, annoying voice again?
He knew he didn’t have the right, not after all he’s done. But the little spark of hope didn’t die, no matter what.
Ever since Wade had confessed, it was the confirmation Logan needed. The one truth he had secretly expected, yet dreaded. It only fixed his resolve to keep himself isolated and locked away.
But the other part of him, the part that was completely weak to his emotions, felt a certain thrill at the admission.
The knowledge that his affection was reciprocated, and that if things were different… he didn’t let himself indulge in the notion. It would only make things worse.
Still, reflecting on the past week without that familiar presence, it hurt. More than anything.
The sound of the doorbell broke him out of his thoughts. No …
He almost stumbled as he rose from the floor, his limbs protesting. His skin was still raw and torn, but his healing factor was working overtime, apparently. He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he tried to collect himself.
His eyes fell on the door across the room, the frosted glass revealing a blurry figure. Logan’s heart was pounding in his chest. It was impossible, but could it be that the universe was giving him a break?
He didn’t deserve it, obviously. But right now, he couldn’t help but wish, a desperate plea settling in the pit of his stomach. His eyes squeezed shut, his breath shuddering as he took in a deep inhale.
Shaking his head, he slowly made his way to the door. His hands closed around the doorknob and, with a breath, he opened the door a creak, peaking out. The sight almost knocked the wind out of him.
The man he’s been grieving over, stood before him. So casually, like it hasn’t been a week since they’ve seen each other.
“Hey,” Wade breathed, his voice quiet with weariness. He tilted his head at Logan, a small smile on his lips.
Logan couldn’t talk, his words lodged in his throat. The question, ‘ What are you doing here?’ was on the tip of his tongue, but he could only stand there stupidly.
Wade looked tired, that was for sure. Not as tired as him, but that was near impossible, seeing as he’s been self-destructing himself at every hour of the day. But even then, Logan couldn’t tear his eyes from his face. It was like all those days of helpless longing hit him again, with more force than ever before.
Logan observed his attire, how he sported some worn out jeans and a black sweater, sleeves rolled up. Then, his eyes caught sight of the small white plastic bag Wade had clutched in his hand.
Noticing where his gaze fell, Wade chuckled softly, lifting it up slightly. “Chinese takeout. Thought it’d be nice.”
Being met with silence, Wade sighed once more, his shoulders sagging. He turned his head away, looking at the ground. “Listen, I- I shouldn’t have left. I overreacted, and well, you’ve been through a lot. I get it-”
“Wade,” Logan whispered, pain straining his voice.
Wade felt hands on his shoulders, and he froze temporarily. He looked up to meet Logan’s red-shot eyes. His own eyes widened, concern taking over.
“Logan,” he said, his fingers already reaching up to touch a scar on his face, but was stopped when a hand grabbing hold of his wrist.
“What are you-” he began, though was silenced when he felt lips on his. Wade's breath hitched.
Though initially too shocked, the fight quickly left him, and he melted into the kiss, their bodies molding together.
At the response, though delayed, Logan felt the warmth of relief wash over him, his breath shuddering momentarily. Unable to resist, he pulled Wade into the house, their lips still connected.
As they slowly backed towards the coach, Wade carefully set the bag on the coffee table, making Logan’s body heated up. He fell back against the coach, dragging Wade on top of him.
Things turned out okay, after all.