She’s mean and She’s mine
Misty wondered if she could actually do this. Live with another person without consuming them entirely. She didn’t understand why Crystal liked her so much. It didn’t make sense to Misty why she even wanted her here in the first place.
Not that she was complaining, it’s just not something she was used to, having a someone. She was insufficient in stopping that ache in her stomach whenever Crystal left to go about with her day. It always left behind a ghost-shadow in its wake.
Being in the city with her felt so right, yet so wrong. Like it wasn’t meant to be, but some sort of divine intervention occurred and now she was here, lovesick and dumbfounded for the first time in her life.
Perhaps it was the pressure of living up to her own expectations, or maybe it was the fear of disappointing Crystal that today she felt like wearing makeup. She wasn’t the best at it, but she didn’t usually make a mess of herself. Misty applied a dark, pale, pink lipstick, topped with a heavy coat of mascara.
Her hair was fine as it was after she brushed it, but she didn’t want to wear it down today. She settled on a half up-half down style.
Precision with choosing her outfits always came to Misty like muscle memory, she settled on a pink sleeveless turtleneck and some light blue faded jeans.
For a moment, she stared at herself in the mirror. Blankly, like she was studying herself. She smacked her lips together and tussled her hair a bit. It was a possibility that she quietly loathed becoming the best version of herself. Beauty didn’t come at a price, contrary to what most girls think, but she didn’t want to try too hard. If only she could make It look effortless, like Crystal did.
Misty wanted her around at all times. She needed her. She longed to taste her and swallow her whole. She wanted Crystal to feel that way about her too.
Misty bit at her fingers until they bled. She sought Crystal as her canvas and craved to color her in the painful red. She breathed only to drown in her saturation, the hues only she could see, and take their very last breath together.
She had dreams of Crystal carrying her into a lovers suite, tearing at misty until she was beyond recognition. Heart shaped bed, only witness being the reflective ceiling to view the tinted disarray of spilled pigment and shredded layers.
She wanted to take out her heart, cradle it like a baby and show Crystal the extent of her devotion. They’d wrap themselves in sheets, open mouthed, heavy breathing, and deprive themselves of sleep until the point of delirium.
Crystal always hated when Misty talked down on herself, she'd say that self loathing was the only lion a woman should ever tame, but what she didnt know is that Misty was the lion. One that had been caged and isolated for far too long, it didnt know how to act. She could never be tamed, but she could play nice. She’d be sweet for her.
So she looked into the mirror and tried to will herself into what Crystal perceives as perfection, as if Misty could believe it for herself.
Crystal needed Misty just as much as Misty needed her, however, fear was a force that she was too weak to pass by.
She had never felt this way about anyone before, and it scared her.
Her own brain became a prophecy of inner turmoil. Nobody is perfect, but she just wanted to pretend for a while. That was something she was capable of.
She was good at acting, right? Her entire life she had just been playing pretend. Now she has won a starring role. She hoped that Crystal believed that Misty loved herself, she really is only trying for her.
Talking to Crystal never felt rehearsed, like she often felt with everyone else, the taller woman was just always able to see through that.
No one could ever love Crystal more than Misty could. No one. She might be this soul sucking, conniving, selfish freak. But she knew for certain the hill she would die on.
She belonged to Crystal, and Crystal belonged to her, Misty didn’t care if she couldn’t love her back.
Why bother asking how to stop carrying this weight, when she doesn’t even want it to go away?
Misty may be scared, terrified that Crystal may not feel the same way, but she loved love, she loved being needy, and she was going try her fucking hardest to love herself if it meant Crystal would be happy.
She would clean up her own blood, she would become the person Crystal needs her to be, and Misty, with her entire being, would protect her at all costs. If acting strong has got her this far in life, it could with Crystal too.
—
Crystal sat on the fold out couch reading a book, listening to Misty do her makeup. She thought of offering to do it for her, but Misty insisted. Crystal wasn't that great with makeup anyways, she never wore it, and truthfully she only wanted to do it to get closer to her friend.
Crystal caught glances of Misty in the mirror from her peripherals, trying to hide the fact, she buried her face into that book that she had stopped reading. She wanted to go over to Misty and tell her that she was already beautiful without makeup, but there was no telling that girl what to do.
Misty had a different way of approaching things, Crystal could never understand her motives despite Misty trying to explain. All she could do was accept her as she was, she was fine with it. Crystal understood why Misty hated herself. She herself grew up in a similar way. Crystal only wished that Misty could just see herself the way she does.
At Misty’s voice, she fell to pieces, at Misty’s touch, she fell to pieces, she was putty in the palm of her hands and she didn't even know it.
These feelings ran deeper than infatuation. It was all she could think about day and night now. The intimacy that came with living with her and sharing a bed killed her slowly.
Crystal never had trouble opening up to others, but with Misty it was a losing game. She wound up tongue tied, tripping over her own words.
She wondered what it must feel like to kiss her. What would she taste like? How intense could it get? How would it be to feel Misty's hands tangled in her hair?
She knew that she was falling in love with Misty. Crystal didn't know what to do.
Crystal felt nostalgia for a past she had no part in, the times before she even knew Misty. She felt like she was there when in reality she wasn't. She was familiar with Misty the moment she met her, and could never fathom why. Not until now.
In her imaginary arms, Misty was a saint. She was this pure white light that had come to save Misty from the horrors of her own mind.
She couldn't focus on school or work, Misty had inhabited her mind, and it was a miracle she hadn't flunked out or been fired.
Either way, it seems the both of them have been punishing themselves, one way or another.
It's like she had somehow betrayed Misty by thinking of her in this way. She was falling in love with her best friend, the only friend she has ever had. She was putting their relationship at risk. Crystal knew she was Misty's only friend as well, and she wouldn't be able to go on with life if Misty ran off, alone again.
She silences her mind. She drinks up the idea of Misty until she feels sick, but she keeps going, still unsatisfied, yet there is nothing else she can do.
Crystal promised Misty a friend, not a lover. She had managed to keep that promise so far, but she no longer trusted herself.
This was something Misty dreamt of her whole life, she confided that in Crystal, now she had the audacity to take advantage of it?
Do promises rot? That is what it is beginning to feel like. Their hearts were too big to handle this.
Misty walked out of the bathroom, carrying herself like a work on display,
"What do you think?" she asked, twirling the loose strands of hair.
“You look amazing, you always do.”
Misty smiled and sat beside her, “What are you reading?”
Crystal showed her the front, she didn't even remember the title.
“Never heard of it before.”
Crystal let her eyes wander, the color she painted on her lips really insinuated her features well, it was a travesty that fear stopped her from surging forward and trying it on for herself.
Misty was the only part of her life that was missing, but she couldn't have her. Not in the way she wanted.
“Would you care if I borrowed that lip gloss sometime? It looks really good on you.” Crystal adored, unable to look away from Misty's lips.
“Uh, yeah, sure.” She obliged, going back into the bathroom to retrieve it. Crystal watched as she speedily walked, there was a hop in her step, almost like Misty was excited about giving it to her.
She came back, waving it around in the air like a declaration of certainty, and then sitting back down before handing the tube over.
“It smells really good too!” Misty told her, propping her elbow on the edge of the couch with her hand holding up her chin, giddily smirking. It was so hard to pretend that Crystal wasn't hopelessly in love with her when she made it so easy to.
Misty must have noticed the look on Crystal's face, “You okay?”, she asked, concerned for her friend.
Crystal feared that if she opened her mouth to speak, she wouldn't be able to stop. She just nodded and hummed. Misty looked as if she didn't buy it, but decided not to push. Instead, she took back the tube of lipgloss and started applying it to Crystal's lips.
Crystal's stomach flipped, she was becoming a mess of her own desire.
She closed her eyes, savoring the feeling of Misty's fingers against her lips and their faces so close together. It was a bittersweet gesture, one that made her heart swell and her chest whirl with tenderness. She wanted to kiss her so bad, to feel her lips on hers and taste the artificiality of the lip gloss. She couldn't risk it though.
As Misty finished applying the lip gloss, she leaned back and examined her handiwork. She grabbed Crystal's arm and led her to the bathroom, “See for yourself.” She said, looking at Crystal through the mirror.
Crystal wanted to smear it everywhere and imagine that it was all Misty’s doing. If only she could sit back and watch life imitate art, not too different than where her mind goes when she is half asleep.
“Do you like it? I think it suits you too.” She added, pulling Crystal’s hair back so that her face was more noticeable.
Crystal removed her gaze from the mirror and looked to Misty, “I love it.”, The blonde smiled, proud of what she had done, and walked right back to the lounge area. Acting like she didn't just leave behind her own shadow to watch Crystal as she fell into ruins.
Misty already had her heart, she gave it up the moment they first spoke those first words. She trusted her with it, but it was all unbeknownst to her friend.
Crystal only ran towards her fears, she was powerless at her attempt to stop this. She was a fool for believing that she could.
For now, she would have to settle for stolen glances and secrecy.