It was a mantra, a mantra that called out to him. A very convincing one at that.
Kill me, someone kill me now.
It was a soothing thought as Tony Stark stood off to the side in a huge ballroom and it was aggravatingly impossible for Tony 𝘯𝘰𝘵 to roll his eyes, give everybody the bird, and head for the exit doors. The champagne in his hand–and the three before that–did absolutely nothing to cure his boredom.
Balls and galas of all sorts never really interested him much, and this one even less so.
It was Christmas time once more and he would literally rather be anywhere but here. He’d rather be at home in his boxers cuddled up with Pepper and watching Christmas movies, or inviting the kid over so they could have lab time. Yet here he was, in a ballroom with people he mildly disliked. Though the cream color scheme and the red and green accents were nice, the blinding light of the chandeliers that were giving him a headache 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯'𝘵. He tore his eyes away and took a sip of his flute. He ran his tongue across his teeth and sighed before tugging at his collar.
Tony tried to focus on the music, the soft tune of the live musicians but it ultimately left him focusing on his own discomfort. His suit felt stuffy, his shoes too tight, and his tie felt like it was choking him. Following these grievances, Pepper was nowhere to be found. She was probably off making deals, planning future meetings, and talking with other business associates. Tony closed his eyes for a moment appreciating Pepper for something he knows he sure as hell wouldn’t do. Though something he 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 do is go to the food table and gorge himself on tiny horderves until he eventually threw it back up along with the alcohol.
Deciding that; that was indeed a good plan he made a b-line for the obnoxiously long table full of food. He grabbed a plate for himself and started stacking up on whatever he wanted, making a point of ignoring that he was hogging up most of the food. Stuffing something that had potato in it in his mouth, he let his eyes wander the room and run across the many people in attendance.
A man on the porkier side located at the further right side of the ballroom was trying to chat up a rather pretty woman and by the looks of it, it wasn’t really working. Tony scoffed quietly and took a bite of something that had shrimp on it. He hummed to himself at the flavor before looking off to the far right.
Ah, he knew this one. Melinda Schlackare, an influential CEO whose whole company was based on makeup. She did “healthy” make up and avoided animal testing he was pretty sure. Only reason he remembered her is because Pepper has more than a few of her products. He wondered if Pepper managed to snag her for a conversation yet, if not before then he knew Pepper would eventually catch her. Tony thought of going over to her himself but then he remembered he knew absolutely nothing about makeup. So with that, his eyes moved on.
He sighed as he watched a few more people. All of them having low conversations of mostly small talk, business, and the holidays. Tony looked down at his watch, sure they’d been there long enough, and as he glanced up and finally found Pepper talking to Melinda he knew he was finally allowed to start preparing to go home. With a sigh of relief, his eyes searched the room for Happy. He smirked as he found him in the corner of the room near a pair of double doors talking to another security guard and by the looks of it, Happy was ready to be done talking with the guy.
Tony went to raise his hand and call out for him but was stopped. “Mr. Stark! It’s so lovely to see you again!” Tony held back a sigh before turning around to greet the new person with his classic paparazzi smile. “Ah Mrs. Shnellknock, I know it’s so lovely to see me isn’t it,” he quipped. She giggled and lightly smacked his arm. “Oh you scoundrel, of course it is,” she smiled, and it filled Tony with dread as he knew he was about to be pulled into a conversation, and from the people gathering around it was going to be a long one. Note to self, never stand by the food table for too long, it makes you look sociable and it comes with consequences. Those consequences you may ask?
People.
“I’m surprised to see you here Mr. Stark! I figured you’d be holed up in your lab creating another ingenious invention by now,” a man said, smiling wide enough to see all of his off colored teeth. Tony held back a grimace and smiled back with a fake chuckle, “just decided to be social for tonight.” He actually hadn’t. This whole gala was Pepper’s idea and he just went with it. The man and a few others who managed to gather around them laughed. Great, he was in a group conversation now. As he went to sip at his champagne he found it to be empty. He set the glass down in disappointment and kept an eye out for one of the servers walking around with the alcohol tray.
“Well I’m glad you did, it’s the holidays! It’s always nice to be open and social during this time,” a woman mentioned, and smiled as other people agreed with her. Tony for one, did not. As he thought before, he would rather be at home with Pepper and Peter making Christmas cookies before they eventually fail and go out and buy them from some family owned bakery. “Ha you got that right! The wife said I shoulda stayed in with the kids tonight but business am I right?” Everyone nodded along, knowing how it felt to put business first before family. Tony tries to relate but he knows he would always choose to spend his time with Peter and Pepper over any sort of business bullshit.
“Besides, my kid is a teenager, he doesn't wanna hang out with his parents, he wants to hang out with his annoying little friends,” the same man said, shaking his head. Welp Tony is gonna be completely useless in this conversation given he has no children. A woman laughs loudly as she nods in agreement and quips simply, “oh kids.”
Yeah Tony is gonna need more champagne. Tony flags down one of the servers discreetly and grabs four flutes of champagne on the tray, surprising the server and himself. He downs one quickly as he zones in and out of the conversation. “Well I ain’t got any kids but I got an intern and boy if he doesn’t look like an adult you’d assume he was a teenager, so angsty and childish!” Some older woman says and rolls her eyes. The rest scoff and start to tell their own tales of their children and some of their interns or employees. Tony–who isn’t really listening–nods absentmindedly as he sips at his second glass.
Intern…Tony has an intern. He’s glad he doesn’t sound anything like those other interns. Well…Peter is an actual teenager and although he hates kids and teenagers, Peter’s different. He’s angsty sure but in a self reflective way, and yeah he still watches kid shows occasionally, but Peter watches ones that have an interesting plot line. So yeah, completely different.
Another man, who’s wearing a very obvious toupee sighs in exasperation, “One of my interns is so damn clumsy it’s unnatural, almost broke one of our computers the other day cause he didn’t tie his shoe!” Tony huffs out a chuckle, reminded of how Peter fell off the ceiling the other day doing homework because he forgot he was upside down. While Peter is graceful due to his Spider Sense, that doesn’t mean he isn’t clumsy sometimes, and even when he is, it’s cute coming from Peter. At least Tony thinks it is and he’s sure Pepper agrees. Tony nods at his own thoughts and takes a sip out of his glass, internally prideful that Peter is better than their interns.
“Oh my gosh, my kid the other day told me “You’re not the boss of me” and stormed off to his little friend's house without even telling me!” The woman scoffs and does a ‘can you believe it’ face as others nod and sigh in relation. “Kids these days are just awful, I mean my kid doesn’t even wanna give me a hug when I drop her off at school! She gets whiney and says it’s ‘embarrassing’ and God forbid I ask for some quality mother daughter time!” The woman beside her says as she chugs her champagne in irritation.
A man laughs and nudges her with his elbow, “believe me I feel you.” The woman raises her brow with a smile,”oh really?” She asks with a chuckle. The man chuckles back with a nod. “Hell yeah, it’s like asking my kid for an arm and a leg for father-son time, he acts like it’s the end of the world!” The other parents in the group agree and are all giving their own tales of their children being bratty little shits. Although all of them seem fondly exasperated.
Tony on the other hand is confused. He thinks back on the conversation he wasn’t fully listening to and feels lucky to have a kid and intern as good as Peter and not one of the snot nose brats the rest of the group is talking about. He goes to drink at his–seventh? eighth?–glass of champagne before realizing it’s empty. He grabs another off a different servers tray and continues to think.
I mean c'mon, Peter is akin to an angel compared to these kids. On the rare occasion when Tony drops Peter off at school when he spends the night, the kid is over the moon and gives him an unprompted hug every time before going to hang out with Ted and DJ. Then on the even rarer occasion of Tony going to pick Peter up from school, he watches the kids face light up like a kid on Christmas. When it comes to fighting, it rarely happens and Peter doesn’t just leave–I mean he’d never. And without telling Tony where he is? He scoffs at the mere idea of it.
And skipping “Quality time” is out of the question because Peter is all over it like a bee on a flower. Their Lab time if the highlight of their day and watching movies together is the norm. So is having dinner together when May is working overtime on the weekend and Peter stays overnight in the tower. Peter also never whines. Well, he does but it’s mostly playful and he always does as Tony asks, plus even when he does whine Tony finds he doesn’t seem to mind all that much.
“You’re awfully quiet there Stark,” and with that Tony’s attention is snapped back into the conversation. He finds that the group is now looking directly at him. How long had he been standing there in silence? Tony shakes it off before looking at the woman who made the comment. “Hah just taking in all the tales of kids and interns Miss…Juleberry. Please be Ms. Juleberry, it’s gonna be embarrassing if he’s mistaking her for another. The woman–Ms. Juleberry–laughs so he assumes he did in fact get her name. One point for Tony. “Ohhh right right…speaking of kids and interns, you have one too if I’m being correct?” She asks with a sly smile and at the mention of Peter it manages to grab the attention of everyone in the group. “Intern? I never knew you had an Intern Stark,” Mrs. Shnellknock gasps and he’s sure everyone else was unaware of Peter’s existence too.
“He does, I’ve seen him before when I was at Stark Tower for a business meeting. A youngin’ surprisingly,” the others look surprised at this because Tony Stark is notoriously known for not liking kids. “A youngin? How old are they?” Tony sighs at the question and once again, grabs another flute of champagne. Is it him or is everyone looking a little fuzzy? Also what happened to all the other empty glasses?
“He’s about 15,” he supplies as he watches everyone's face turn shocked. “15 oh my, I could only assume Ms. Potts is the one behind this?” She wasn’t for once. Peter was all Tony’s idea and it was one of the greatest ideas he’s ever had. Though assuming this was some kind of publicity thing or youth program wasn’t out of the question he guessed. The other wealthy men and women murmur their own inquiries about Peter and make assumptions on what Peter is like. “Is he clumsy? I bet he is, kids aren’t all that graceful, motor skills and all you know?” He is but so what? Peter’s also graceful, and what the hell does she know about motor skills? “Well he’s a teenager, teens are loud, oh that must be grating on the nerves." Peter 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 gets on Tony’s nerves, and he’s only mildly loud when he’s excited, other than that he talks at a moderate volume. If anything, this man is the one getting on Tony’s nerves. “Oh you must need to slow down for him since you’re a genius and all!” Hell no he doesn’t, Peter is an absolute wonder when it comes to anything academic.
“I feel sorry for you Stark,” a man chuckles and the rest follow with their own. Maybe it was how tried he was, or maybe the alcohol but now Tony felt irritated. Sorry? He felt 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘛𝘰𝘯𝘺? Why the hell would he feel that?
“Sorry? Why should you feel sorry?” He asks condescendingly, staring directly at the man who said that. The man looks a little put off, as he should be. The other people in the group are now focused on the two wholly. “Well you have a teenager for an intern, I’m sure he’s rowdy, loud, annoying, and well a bit of an eyesore but that's just how kids are and I mean he isn’t even your kid so I could only assume that uh it’s–it’s a bit daunting…to be, to be around him right?” The man says, getting more hesitant with each word.
Rowdy? Annoying? 𝘈𝘯 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘦?
.
.
.
𝙉𝙤𝙩 𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙠𝙞𝙙?
Tony scoffs and laughs at the same time and looks at the others with an expression that screams, “can you believe this guy?” to the others and they look nervous, as if sensing something wrong was said. Tony doesn’t notice.
Tony laughs again in a disbelieving way, and loosens his tie as he gets prepared to do what he does best.
Brag.
“Daunting is very much incorrect Mr. Whatever your name is, kay? I mean c’mon, Peter? An eyesore?” He laughs at how ridiculous it sounds. “Seeing that kid is the highlight of my day, I–I mean he sees me and it’s like his whole world lights up, it’s nice to be looked up to but I mean you wouldn’t know what that’s like right? No, of course not.” He feels like Pepper might kill him later, but maybe not since it has to do with Peter. “The kid is polite as can be–he still calls me Mr. Stark when I tell him to call me Tony. He always makes sure to ask how I’m doing when I see him, he cares about me and makes sure I know it. Everytime he sees me he tells me about his school life–”Mr. Stark, I got a 100 on my Chemistry test!” and “Mr. Stark, I answered the winning question in my Academic Decathlon team!” Speaking of–”
He’s too busy ranting to notice that everyone looks taken aback at how passionately Tony is speaking. The cool, unshakeable, and stoic Tony Stark is frantically defending his teenage intern like his life depends on it.
“The kid does it all! I mean before the internship the kid was in Orchestra, a Robotics Club, tutoring other kids, and kicking other schools asses in Academic Decathlon! He’s a whiz kid, and don’t let it get out but–he keeps me, 𝘮𝘦, Tony Stark on my toes.” Tony laughs a little manically as his brain conjures up more things about Peter that he can brag about just to show these snarks up. He also realizes just how amazing Peter is and it only fuels the fire. “You know, he’s worked on Avengers tech before? Widow bites, Barnes Metal Arm, 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘵. He’s able to create stuff I didn’t even think of!” Tony thinks back to Peter’s web fluid. “To top it off he does it all while being humble and kind.” He laughs at the memories of all Peter's kind deeds, of all the sweet videos he’s been sent of Peter on patrol. “He helps old ladies cross streets, donates when he can even though he isn’t well off, doesn’t accept my money or gifts even when I basically throw it at him, and would damn sure sacrifice his life for the greater good! Did I mention he is a 𝘸𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 at helping those in crisis?”
Everyone in the group is honestly frightened with how much conviction Tony speaks with. Flailing arms, a huge smile, and honestly this is the most expressive anyone has ever seen him. Drunk and talking about his 15 year old intern (which they’re pretty sure isn't just an intern and boss relationship but is something much closer and deeper than they had originally thought)
They all feel a sort of relief when a sober Pepper Potts and Happy Hogan walk up from behind Tony. “Tony?” She asked, confused as to why her lover is flailing his arms and speaking not so quietly to a bunch of shaken up rich folk. He whips around and Pepper and Happy are surprised at how he looks. Red faced with a loosened tie and an empty flute champagne glass snuggly fit in his breast pocket. “Pep! Hap! Perfect, c’mere and back me up!” Both Happy and Pepper give each other looks as they move to stand on Tony’s side. Pepper to his right where he slides an arm around her waist and Happy to his left to which Tony raises an arm and settles it on Happy’s shoulder.
“And what are we backing up exactly?” Happy asks with a raised brow, glancing around at the other men and women who all shake their heads ‘no’. He watches Tony laugh and look at Pepper. “Tell ‘em!” Tony demands and doesn’t explain further. Looks like the drinks got to him. They both wonder how many he’s had so far but they just think “a lot” with the way he’s acting.
“Tell them…what exactly?” Pepper chuckles and Tony sighs as if Pepper was with him the whole time and should already know what to say. “That Peter’s fuckin–fuckin great! I was 𝘫𝘶𝘴' sayin’ how good he was at helping people and when, when a crisis happens! I’m basically 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 in a crisis and he helps sooo much. He knows how to comfort people, I mean 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 do that shit!” Pepper looks over at Happy in surprise and Happy mirrors her expression. “Oh my god!” They both snap their attention back at Tony at the sudden outburst. “Oh my god Pep–he's got the 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘨𝘴, he’s all soft and it’s so comfortable…holy shit and he smells like pancakes. Like warm fresh pancakes. 𝘏𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘢𝘬𝘦!” Happy is quietly trying not to laugh at this point and Pepper is gawking and giggling at the same time, oh how she wished she could’ve been there for the entire conversation. She’s a little sad she didn’t get to record this moment and show it to Peter. “He–He’s a pancake?” She questions, barely preventing herself from laughing.
“Y-Yep, he’s got this soft baby like face and when you hold him it’s like 𝘢𝘸𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 Pep you should do it more often–you too Hap!” Happy scoffs but knows that Tony isn’t wrong. Not like he would say that to Tony and he would definitely 𝘯𝘰𝘵 to Peter. Pepper looks at the rest of the group and they look at her with pleading eyes, wanting her to take drunk Tony Stark home but…what’s the fun in that? Feeding the fire 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 is okay. “Yes Tony, he gives great hugs.” She says patting his back a little. Now that she thought about it, she was going to give Peter a hug later.
“Exactly and if Pepper agrees then it’s definitely right,” Tony says to the others with a sense of vindication at being proven right. Pepper is definitely telling Peter about this later and Happy is for sure going to bring this up anytime he can just to see Tony be embarrassed about drunk rambling about his intern (totally not son) to a bunch of random rich people at a Christmas ball.
“He deserves the 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 Pep but world domination isn’t really my 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨 so boo.” Tony sighs disappointedly and the group shudders at a world run by Tony Stark. Pepper on the other hand, laughs and lets out a fake and exaggerated disappointed sigh, “well looks like you’ll have to get him something else for Christmas” She shrugs and watches as Tony’s drunk mind registers the word ‘Christmas’ and his eyes go wide. “Christmas! Oh shit what do I get him,” Happy puts a hand on Tony’s shoulder at his panicked look.
“You already know what he likes Tones, besides your kid will be happy with whatever you get him.” Happy reassures, making eye contact with Pepper, silently telling her it’s time to go. Though just when they’re about to start pulling Tony to the exit and saying their goodbyes to people Tony mumbles, “my kid…”
They look at him with raised brows just as did everyone else. Some more worried than others. “My kid…𝘮𝘺 𝘬𝘪𝘥!” He screams out, as if an epiphany took over him, shooting his hands up into the air, startling everyone in earshot. “Pep, print some adoption papers!”
“𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵?" Pepper and Happy ask simultaneously, not expecting the outburst. “Adoption papers! C’mon Pep keep up, that’s what I’ll give him for Christmas–I mean what’s better than being mentored by a genius, billionaire, philanthropist, and Iron man? Being the 𝘴𝘰𝘯 of a genius, billionaire, philanthropist, and Iron Man 𝘥𝘶𝘩.” Tony beamed, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. Happy is speechless with his jaw mildly agape and Pepper is trying to find out what to say 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵.
I mean Tony couldn’t spring this up to Peter out of nowhere and freak him out, Peter’s Aunt still had custody, legal action, and dealing with publicity would be a pain in her ass and if Peter wanted this quiet then they had to keep it a secret which is exhausting. “Tony you can’t just adopt Peter–” Tony looks a little hurt and accusatory, “what? Why can’t I Peter’s great? He’d call me dad and you mom and Hap and Rhodney would be his uncles. That sounds amazing so why?” Right, drunk Tony.
She rolls her eyes and settles for, “You’d have to talk to May about custody.” Tony goes quiet like he just remembered she existed which she will definitely be telling May about later for Tony to suffer the consequences. “Alright let’s go talk to her!”
“Wait what? Tony–I’m so sorry about this. It was so wonderful to see you all this evening–Tony!” She called out as Tony started heading to the exit, momentarily saying goodbye to the speechless group of guests who had just witnessed a very drunk and eccentric Tony Stark. Happy nods at them before chasing after Pepper and Tony.
“Tony! You can’t just go see May right n–are those little shrimp horderves in your pocket?” She asks exasperatedly. Tony raises a brow at her before shoving one of the horderves in his pocket into his mouth, “No” He says in a muffled voice. She rolls her eyes at him and makes a note to herself to ban him from drinking more than two glasses of any kind of alcohol at parties “Why can’t I talk to Aunt May?” he whines and she scoffs at his behavior. Pepper grabs his shoulders and speaks slowly, “because it’s almost two o’clock in the morning and she’s probably asleep.” He continues to look confused and she groans. “Which 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴…Peter is also asleep in his room…which also means that if you wake her up Peter will also wake up and 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦. Besides, if you woke May up, she’ll be less likely to give you some custody of Peter?” Tony widens his eyes as if it was some sort of revolutionary information and nods his head slowly.
“So…why don’t we get a good night's sleep so that way we can get ready tomorrow to look 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 and maybe get some bribe gifts so May is more convinced to give us custody or joint custody of Peter. Not to mention tomorrow is a school day, so Peter won’t be there…and it 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘦." She waits and watches as he processes the information and sighs in relief when he nods. “Happy! To the car!” He yells and points in a random direction. Happy rolls his eyes with a fond barely there smile. Pepper does the same as she rests her head on Tony’s shoulder, letting his drunken sway sooth her whilst also holding him up at the same time to make sure he doesn’t fall.
As Happy pulls up with the car she ushers Tony to get in and to put his seatbelt on. He grumbles and clicks it into place, and she smiles at him softly.
And as she gets in to sit next to him, she thinks about how she’d like being called mom.