Now the Pain's Different
Phil and Maria sat opposite of the girls as the SHIELD agent presented newly gathered intel on the Red Room. Maria’s voice was steady as she spread the photographs across the table, her expression hard as stone. “This is what we have so far. The task force made progress identifying several secondary locations tied to the Red Room’s network. Most of them appear to be safe houses and recruitment points.” She pointed to a set of grainy images, then looked up, her gaze landing first on Natasha, then on Lena.
Lena’s shoulders were tense, but she sat quietly beside Natasha. She had barely touched the cup of tea Melinda had placed in front of her, hands clasped in her lap like she needed to keep them still. Her eyes lingered on the photos, but her face remained unreadable. Natasha’s hand brushed Lena’s briefly under the table. Maria continued. “We’re working on closing in on their central communication hub. It’ll take time to organize a move, but this is more progress than we’ve made in years, thanks to all of the information that you’ve given.” Natasha studied the photos intensely, adding her own thoughts while Lena sat back in silence, subtly studying Maria.
When the meeting wrapped up, Lena lingered behind as Natasha and Phil left to join Melinda in the kitchen. Maria looked up from collecting the photos and arched an eyebrow at the girl who stared expectantly. A soft smile fell on Maria’s face as she looked at the girl, a stark difference from the pale ghost carried into the SHIELD facility a few months ago. “Good to see you Lena, how do you like New Jersey?” Lena hesitated, throat suddenly dry. She’d been rehearsing this in her head all day, but now the words felt heavy. “I’m sorry.”
Maria paused and met the young girl’s eyes. “For what?” “For everything.” Lena’s voice was barely above a whisper. “For lying to you. Lucy. For everything I was going to do while I was her.” She trailed off, her words catching in her throat. Maria’s expression softened, and she stepped closer. “Lena, none of that was your fault. You didn’t choose to be in that situation, and you did what you had to survive. And you got out. I would never blame you or your sister.” Lena’s gaze dropped to the floor. “I thought you hated me.”
Maria sighed, leaning against the table. “I never hated you. I was mad that I let my guard down and couldn’t see what was going on right in front of me. I hated that I knew something was off about your home life and I didn't figure it out. I hated what the Red Room did to you. You were a kid caught in a situation you didn’t deserve. All that matters is that you’re safe now.” Lena looked up, her throat tight. “Thank you,” she said softly. “For everything. For getting us out.” Maria’s lips curved into a faint smile. “You’re welcome. And for the record, you guys did the hard part by leaving. Give yourself some credit.”
The next few days at school passed more easily than Lena had expected. Daisy’s constant chatter filled the silences Lena left without hesitation. Jemma was warm and attentive, always quick to ask if Lena needed help with anything, while Leo’s quiet humor made her feel less like an outsider. For the first time in years, she wasn’t wary of the people around her. There were still moments when the memories whispered too loudly or the room felt too crowded, and Lena would retreat into silence. But her new friends didn’t seem to mind. They filled the gaps without question, giving her space without making her feel isolated. The ease with which they accepted her quietness made Lena’s chest ache, though she wasn’t sure if it was from relief or fear. Friendships had been dangerous in the Red Room, but now they felt almost natural.
By Friday, Lena found herself smiling easier, her responses coming more authentically. It felt strange, like she was trying on someone else’s life. But it wasn’t bad. More like a dull ache in the back of her mind when she remembered her past classmates and their fates. It was almost easy to find herself caught up in the politics of 7th grade and before she knew it, her birthday loomed. Natasha had spoken to her a few weeks ago in stilted Russian, apparently Phil and Melinda had been asking about it, but Lena hadn’t given her an answer. When Phil casually mentioned it on the way back from school that afternoon, Lena couldn’t find any words. His voice was gentle as he mentioned something about cake but his words faded as she fell into her mind. Memories swirled together with the present and she bolted out of the car to her room as soon as they arrived. She thought back to her previous birthdays in the Red Room, none marked by any particularly positive memories. She vaguely remembered her 6th birthday in Ohio, a store-bought cake and receiving her then treasured Twilight Sparkle plush. Besides that, Lena had no idea what a birthday was supposed to look like and frankly she didn’t know if she was ready to find out. Nothing good had ever come from getting older and she didn’t know what rules would change here.
And now, sitting on the floor of her closet, all the possibilities were running through her head. Logically, she knew that not much would change. Maria had assured both her and Natasha that they weren’t being tailed, nothing about them had come up in any intelligence channels, and there were no connections to their old identities. Malick hadn’t been able to reconnect with the Red Room or the KGB prior to his death and there were no leads on what happened to his two ‘daughters’ either. So in terms of everything, Lena was fine. There was no reason for her birthday to cause this much upheaval in her mind. Her muscles itched with the urge to run and never look back, a feeling that burned and simmered under her skin since the moment she woke up without her tracker. At the same time, all she wanted to do was hide in her closet forever, never having to see or talk to anyone again. She would never have to turn twelve. But just like everything else, it didn’t matter what she wanted. The sun would rise anyway and she would be twelve and things would change or maybe they wouldn’t.
A soft knock at her door drew her out of her thoughts and she dragged herself out of the closet. Moving to open the door, she was expecting to see Melinda or maybe Natasha wanting to talk. She was surprised to see the honey blonde hair of the first person she had trusted at SHIELD. “Hey Морсик, long time no see.” Bobbi’s voice is bright, and Lena’s heart jumps at the nickname. Before she could stop herself, she launches into Bobbi’s arms, who hugs her back immediately. If she was surprised at the younger’s show of emotion, Bobbi doesn’t show it. “Did ya miss me kid?”
Yelena pulled back from the hug and pondered her words for a second before nodding. She had missed Bobbi. She hadn’t missed someone that wasn’t dead besides Natasha since before she could remember. A missing Natasha had basically been like missing someone who was dead. It was a weird sensation, caring about someone that- “Not a talking day?” Bobbi’s voice broke her out of the spiraling thoughts, and Lena answered with a shrug. She could talk if it was required of her, she wouldn’t have survived the Red Room otherwise. But she didn’t need to anymore and it was nice to sink into that. It was nice that Bobbi understood that. “Are you up for a journey with me? We’ll be back for dinner time, Phil is cooking and I am not passing that up after living on MREs.” The older studied Lena’s face to gauge her reaction and seemed satisfied at her affirmative nod. Lena pulled a questioning look on her face pointing toward downstairs where Phil was and towards her sister’s door. Bobbi seemed to understand, answering, “Phil already said yes, Melinda knew I was coming by today, and we can go tell Natasha together. She’s welcome to join us if you want.” The younger girl thought about it for half a second and immediately landed on no, shaking her head. Natasha tolerated Bobbi, mostly because Lena asked her to. She didn’t want to play mediator right now, or more accurately, defend Bobbi from her sister.
Lena led Bobbi towards Natasha’s door and knocked in the same tone as their whistle. Her sister opened the door, eyes landing on Bobbi. “Morse.” Natasha said neutrally, nodding in greeting toward the agent. To her credit, the older didn't falter. “Morse,” the agent said back in a light tone, “Lena and I are going for ice cream, did you want us to bring you back anything?” Natasha looked to her sister, who nodded and gave her a reassuring smile. “Are you okay going with her?” Natasha spoke in Greek, directing the question to the almost twelve year old. At her tone and language switch, Lena rolled her eyes but made eye contact with her sister as she nodded. Natasha turned her eyes toward Bobbi, switching back to English in a deadly serious tone. “If something happens to her, I will kill you.” Again, the agent holds her ground and nods, responding in Greek, “Understood.” Whether or not Natasha knew Bobbi could speak Greek as well, Lena can’t tell, but she almost rolls her eyes again at her sister’s overprotectiveness. Still, she takes Natasha’s hand and taps it three times. Their eyes meet and green eyes soften as she taps the same pattern back. “Okay. Be safe.”
Bobbi shouts a goodbye to Phil, waiting for the muffled response before they are finally out of the door. Bobbi’s car is a sleek black one, likely strengthened with reinforcements. Lena settled into the passenger seat, pulling the seatbelt across her chest as Bobbi started the car. The silence was comfortable, and Bobbi didn’t push her to talk. Instead, she tapped her fingers against the wheel in rhythm with the song playing on the radio. Lena focused on the world outside the window, watching the blur of passing buildings as they drove through the streets of New Jersey.
After a few minutes, Bobbi glanced at her. “You ever had ice cream before?” Lena hesitated, then gave a small shrug. “I don’t know.” Her honest answer came out softly. Bobbi hummed in understanding. “Well, good news, you’re about to have the best ice cream in New Jersey.” She paused, then added with a smirk, “Or at least the best in this town.” The shop was a small place tucked between a bakery and a bookstore. It smelled sweet, a mix of sugar and vanilla, and the cold air from the freezers made Lena shiver slightly as they stepped inside. Bobbi walked up to the counter and gestured for Lena to join her. “You can pick whatever flavor you want and then whether you want it in a paper cup or a cone you can eat.”
Lena scanned the colorful tubs of ice cream behind the glass, her fingers twitching at her sides. Choices as mundane as this still felt foreign but they had become more bearable. Finally, she pointed at a pale pink scoop labeled ‘strawberry.’ Bobbi grinned. “Solid choice.” She ordered a scoop of mint chocolate chip for herself, then led them to a booth in the corner, sliding into the seat across from Lena. The first bite was cold, sweeter than Lena expected. Her brows furrowed slightly as she let the taste settle. Bobbi watched her reaction, a smile playing on her lips. “What do you think?” Lena took another bite before giving a small nod. It was sweet but over the past few months, she had discovered she appreciated nearly overly sweet desserts.
The agent talks for a while, much like their phone conversations with Bobbi telling stories and Lena listening. After a pause, Bobbi leaned back, spoon resting in her cup. “You know, someone mentioned that your birthday was coming up. How are you feeling about it?” Lena poked at her ice cream with her spoon, letting the words hang in the air. Finally, she spoke in a low voice, “Getting older means more responsibility. More training. No mistakes.” Bobbi’s expression shifted, losing its teasing edge. “That’s how it was there?” Lena nodded. “I’d be moving up to Fifteen in six months. That’s when we start working with KGB men.” Something akin to anger flashed across Bobbi’s face but it disappeared, instead morphing into thoughtfulness. “Can I tell you about my 14th birthday?”
Lena hesitated, then gave a small shrug. Bobbi smiled faintly. “It wasn’t anything huge. Just me and my mom. She made a chocolate cake, because that’s my favorite, and we spent the day watching my favorite movies on our TV. It was simple, but I was happy. Nothing changed just because I was a year older. Nothing has to change for you either Морсик.” She let the words sit between them before asking gently, “Do you want to try something like that? Or maybe wait until next year?”
Lena twirled her spoon in the last bit of melted ice cream, watching the pale pink swirl around the cup. She let Bobbi’s words settle, but the thought of next year felt distant. Uncertain. They wouldn’t keep her for a year, so why would Bobbi even imply it? She exhaled through her nose. “I don’t know if I’ll be here next year.” Bobbi didn’t react immediately, just watching her carefully. “What do you mean?” Lena shrugged, keeping her voice even. “Natasha will be eighteen soon. She won’t need guardians anymore. She’ll take me with her.” Unless she doesn’t, the small voice of doubt said as soon as the words came out of her mouth. She wanted to believe Natasha would take her with her. That the moment she turned eighteen, they would leave together and find something of their own. But there was a splinter of doubt lodged deep in her chest. Because Natasha had left before. She hadn’t meant to. She hadn’t wanted to. But she had.
And what if it happened again?
Lena bit the inside of her cheek, forcing herself to breathe. It wouldn’t. Natasha wouldn’t leave her behind. She promised. Lena blinked hard, trying to clear her mind. Neither of them had a choice, it wasn’t fair to hold on to it.
Bobbi tilted her head, watching the younger girl struggle with something. “And where would you go?” Lena hesitated. “Wherever she goes.” There was something unsteady in her voice, something she didn’t want to name. Bobbi caught it anyway. “You don’t think she’ll stay?” The younger girl shook her head, gaze fixed on the table as her mind swirled. “This is not forever. It never was.” The unspoken truth sat heavy between them. The Red Room was still active and they likely knew she wasn’t dead. And even if it wasn’t, this life with Phil and Melinda felt borrowed. A safe house, not a home. “What if it was?” Bobbi says softly, trying to get Lena to meet her eyes. She swallowed, her fingers tightening around the spoon, glancing up to see something unfamiliar in the blue eyes across from her. “It’s not.” It can’t be.
Bobbi didn’t argue, just exhaled through her nose. “Alright.” She tapped the table lightly before pushing her empty cup away. “Are you ready to head back?” Lena nodded, considering her earlier question, the idea of a birthday still sitting strangely in her chest. A birthday that was hers, that she could remember without fear or regret. The idea of it almost didn't seem real.
“What flavors of cake are there?” she asked as she got up. Bobbi smiled like that was enough and launched into a detailed explanation of the many different options.