To my dearest receiver,
15 September 20xx
Hi. I don't know how to start this. This entry is different to the normal ones, but I needed someone to listen. Even if they couldn't respond back. When Tony gave me this for documenting my missions, I didn't think to use it as a diary of sorts, but I needed to free my mind. As I'm now part of the Avengers I need to call my teammates by their first names, so I'll use those in here.
I know no one is going to read this, but I need to think this all out.
I don't really know how to start this, but I'll approach this like my normal documents.
Mission - the invasion of Hydra base in Russia.
Date - 3 days from now.
Nick Fury called for a meeting. I was in the lab with Tony at the time so we went together (we're building some new upgrades for the Iron Man suit!!!) and met with everyone. I still find it scary to be around them, well, scary is the wrong word. More like intimidating. I can win in a fight with most of them but they're just so... Aveger-like. Do you understand what I'm talking about?
A hydra base in Russia is attempting to recreate the super soldier experiments and leaving dead bodies in their failures. I know I see accidents and have fought and seen dead people, but there is something so sickening about seeing the photos in a meeting as the dead dull faces stare back from where they are pinned up. The team is supposed to infiltrate it and destroy it.
I was concerned about Steve and Bucky, but they didn't show anything at this. Tony asked if I was up for this, and I said yes. I've been on plenty of missions with the Avengers, hell, I've saved the world more times than I can count. You know when you're nervous about something and your stomach flips, I felt that. Mostly at the idea of messing up.
I've already messed this up.
Peter Parker,
aka Spiderman
To my dearest receiver,
15 September 20xx
I'm back again. Normally I only do one entry per day and usually, they are longer but I found myself unable to resist. If that makes sense? I know that you won't help me, or talk to me but I think it helps. MJ would be able to explain the psychology behind it all but we would end up having an argument about my 'unhealthy coping mechanisms' and she usually wins -always wins.
Bucky is starting to get affected. Steve seems fine so far. I caught Bucky beating a training dummy to shreds, and his hands were bleeding. I offered to help but he screamed at me -how I didn't burst into tears on the spot is beyond me as well - then got all apologetic. I'm worried about him, so I spoke to Steve about it and he agreed to handle it. I think they are more than friends.
Tony has been hovering over me.
Natasha is jittery.
Bruce has been kidnapping everyone for health exams.
Clint has called his family.
Sam disappeared.
Wanda and Vision have been in the witch's room all day.
I haven't seen Pepper today.
At 8, I met with Natasha and hacked into the security camera of the base. For the past few weeks, Nat has been teaching me about hacking and tracking. Some of the stuff she can do is really advanced and scary, but hey, this is Natasha Romanoff I'm talking about.
We hacked into the cameras but nothing was happening and we couldn't get into the locked cameras, so in the end we found out nothing. After all of that Nat beat my ass in training. Everything hurts, long story short.
May is away on a work trip to Europe and I'm really proud of her so I've been staying at the Avengers Tower with Tony and Pepper. It's been really fun. I love May, I do truly but sitting at dinner with both of them reminds me of my parents.
I also found out that Pepper wears the same perfume as my mother did. I haven't decided how I feel about that yet. I don't think I ever will. I probably should decide. Do you think I should?
Pepper wasn't at dinner. Tony said she was working so that means she was worried sick. I think this mission is bigger than what everyone is telling me, and if it is I would prefer them to tell me. I can handle it. I'm not a kid anymore, though I never have been a true child. After my parents, then Skip, then the bite.
I haven't been a child in so long. I'm not stupid either. I don't think I am at least. Tony ordered the food tonight when normally he or Pepper would teach me family recipes. He got pizza but was tense eating.
I hated it. I hate it all. I hate that this is our responsibility sometimes, and I know that makes me selfish. I know it does. But I wish we were normal. Though, if that was the case they wouldn't be my family. I would be alone again.
I don't want to be alone. Have you ever been alone? I try to pretend it doesn't bother me, that I like the isolation and silence and that I would rather study when all I want to do is be normal. To not be the freak. I'm told you don't judge, that you will read all of this and accept it. I think that is why I started writing these entries in such a way. So you could understand.
I think you would understand.
I think you know.
Peter Parker,
aka Spiderman.
To my dearest receiver,
16 September 20xx
Today is no better. In fact, everything is worse. To understand this, to understand me I think you should know a few things. Tony is like my father. He wasn't always, but now he is. We work together, train together, watch movies and do homework. He is more than blood to me. Pepper is the very same.
The rest of the Avengers are more than teammates. Though, if you have read this far, you would know from reading my previous extracts. I don't know if you will ever read this. I wouldn't. If this showed up at my door I would burn it. I don't know how you will react, but hey, what the fuck.
Peter Parker,
aka Spiderman
To my dearest receiver,
16 September 20xx,
time: 10.15 am
Mission debrief: I met up with Ned at 8 am. We hacked into the base cameras again, nothing to note. We spent an hour hacking into the hidden camera - we saw the experiments.
-currently waiting for everyone to meet up to inform them.
Peter Parker,
aka Spiderman
To my dearest receiver,
16 September 20xx
I was sick.
Peter Parker,
aka Spiderman
To my dearest receiver,
16 September 20xx
time: 3 pm
mission debrief: informed everyone of the new cameras we hacked. Re-played the experiments. Arguments about when to attack broke out. Nothing was resolved.
Peter Parker,
aka Spiderman
To my dearest receiver,
16 September 20xx
I was sick earlier. The experiments are sick. I don't understand how a human could inflict such pain on another human and then go on with their life. Another innocent life was taken by the failures, but according to Nat that is good - it means that we have time to prepare and not rush. I can still hear the man screaming.
I can still see the blood.
Have you ever seen something like that?
Do you understand?
I hope you don't.
Peter Parker,
aka Spiderman
To my dearest receiver,
17 September 20xx
The attack is tomorrow. It's 3 am as I write this, but we are leaving at 8 pm. I couldn't sleep but I don't think many of the others are either. This is important and dangerous.
I don't really know how to tell you, or what to tell you. I hope you understand and aren't too angry at the fact these entries aren't too good. From what I know of you, you won't care.
I'm going to tell you how I feel. I can't tell the others. It isn't their job to baby me or be a therapist when they have their own stresses to deal with, and I don't want to add to that burden. I can't tell if they are worried I'm going to mess the mission up or not.
I don't want to know what they think, anyways deep down I think I know. You would understand that feeling, the one you get in your stomach. It feels sort of like your organs are being crushed and you feel the disgust building up in you. I hate it.
I don't follow any gods. I probably should, though I don't think he likes me much.
I don't think he would listent to me.
Atl east you listen to me.
I hope you do.
I have my music on. I can hear everything without them and it feels invasive. Bucky and Steve are confirmed to be more than friends, though I need therapy dolls to explain that to you. It's kind of sweet outside of that though.
It makes me think of MJ or Harry. It makes me think of the gardens me and Harry would explore as children with their grape vines and large flowers and smells, and how the birds would sing and the grasshoppers would humm and everything felt alive. It makes me think of long nights spent with MJ studying, spending hours chatting or sitting together and existing and loving the fact that we both exist to exist for eachother.
I know that Bruce has been stocking up on medical supplies, food, water and blankets. I know that Clint was home last night. Sometimes I feel angry when I see him, when he's an agent for Shield like my parents were but he gets to live. He gets to see his children.
It doesn't feel fair. I hate myself for thinking such things and I hoe you don't see me differently. I see myself differenly. It's good that his children have a family, atleats a few more kids are safe from the Skip's of the world.
I know this isn't very informative, and maybe this feels like you are reading some angsty fanfic from a 16-year-old author, but you will understand. My mind is racing all the time, I'm jumping at small sounds and spotting shadows that morph into men.
I need you to help me. I think only you could help me. I sound pathetic, and even as I write these entries under the dim reading light I know it. Everyone knows it. I think the mission is going to fail. I don't know how we can take down a base that big, or defeat the security or destroy all the experiments. I don't know how I could deal with that many dead bodies.
On better terms, pepper is finally back. I wanted to spend the night with her but I felt that was wrong and that she should spend her time with Tony. I think they want a kid. I don't know if I want them to have a kid.
Peter Parker,
aka Spiderman
To my dearest receiver,
17 September 20xx
I think I'm going to die tommorow.
Peter Parker,
aka Spiderman
To my dearest receiver,
23 September 20xx
I want to die. In the simpliest way, that is all I can think about. It's all I can hear every waking minutes, a desperation that I can never fufil. I think It's all too cruel. It's a deep longing that sings to me so seductively and taunts my deepest desires.
The doctors don't think Tony will make it.
We got past security but they send our alarms. We got the experiments destroyed. We did it all. We won. A surviving Hydra member shot him. A fucking bullet. A single bullet and a few hours of flying and Tony is going to die. Everything else went well.
But they knew, they lured us in and set us up for faliure. We only managed to fly for a hour before we went down and had to send an emergancy contact out.
All of this is happening while Tony is bleeding out under Bruce's hands.
Everyone is dead set on believing that Tony is going to die. I don't believe, or I can't. I think it's the second one, I think something like this may break me. I just don't understand how someone so great, so powerful could die to something like a bullet. It doesn't seem right, rigth? I'm not crazy. You don't think I'm crazy do you?
Natasha has a broken arm and hip bone, Clint is still unconscious but is looking okay, Steve had a punctured lung. The rest of us managed to escape with bruises at best, though I don't understand how that is fair. Why is that fair. Can you tell me. I need to know. How do you deal with it all? I used to know byt then I got a family. Now I don't know how.
Pepper is in such a state. I was the one who broke the news to her, she was working when Tony was send into hospital so I called her. She broke into tears and hasn't left his side yet.
It's so bad that I have to bring her three meals a day overwise she would starve, she even sleeps at the bed on one of those uncomfortable chairs. The doctors tried to get her to leave but you know what Pepper is like, nothing could get her to move and she won in the end.
I can't be there. I want to be, but I spend my time outside the room. I don't think I could handle Pepper's grief, or disappointment in me for not protecting Tony, and most selfishly of all I can't handle seeing Tony in such a state. He can't even breathe on his own. I don't know what to do.
Peter Parker,
aka Spiderman
To my dearest receiver,
27 September 20xx
I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but I'm here now. I think you understand.
Tony isn't better, if anything he's gotton worse. No one can explain it, but the wound isn't healing so Tony isn't getting better. His lungs have gotten weaker and his body is shutting down. I can't take it. None of this is fair. They have him hooked up to every single life supporting machine you can imagine and the laywers have talked to Pepper.
None of this is getting better and it's getting hard to ignore that, I want it to all dissapear. I know it's my fault. I'm cursed and all my parents die. I should have warned Tony, he should have known from my family file. I could have saved him.
Sometimes I dream about Tony, and making suits and going on missions and everything is okay, and everyone is happy. Then I wake up.
I know I've forced you to listen to me, to help me and for that I'm sorry. But I'm going to stop now. The Avengers is falling apart again, and while we've kept it hidden from the media so far, we need to start picking up the pieces. I think Clint was shaken up byt Tony and Pepper the most, he's been with his family since and Natasha said he's considering retireing again.
I don't think he will. You don't just leave this line of work, you can't escape this. I haven't seen Bruce since, I think he spends his time between Tony and work. He's taking this the hardest after Pepper, blaming himself. You know how it gets, you understand guilt.
Hoe it clings to you and sinks it's laws in deep and drains you untill you are nothing more than a bag of meat for the next trauma to knowck you over.
I want to escape this hell.
I wanted someone to listen to me and in the end all I did was dump on you, which is an unforgivable act in the begginging. When I was told you didn't judge I knew it had to be you, but now I've had enough.
I don't want to but I need to pick up everyone's shattered beings. I need to get Steve and Bucky therapy, Natasha seems to be doing fine but I heard her crying at Tony's side earlier. It's all falling apart.
The worst part is that fact I need to get to life, go back to school and patrol and live my life. People need Spiderman, not Peter Parker, and the media has made that clear.
I keep seeing Tony's blood on my hands. I see his eyes, I feel his hands as they hold my cheek. I hear his voice. There's no release or relief, and in my dreams he tells me I'm fine, but that isn't true. Like they say, there is no remedy for memory.
We were set up for faliure.
We lost.
Peter Parker,
aka Spiderman.