wade loved ellie, and he hated that he was her father.
she deserved better, she deserved more. he was nothing but trouble, nothing but a violent, messed-up killer and such a sweet girl didn’t deserve a monster for a father.
but there was something wade didn’t understand.
she loved him.
she loved him despite the violence, the trauma, the pain he brought into her life. she loved him unconditionally. none of it mattered to her. she loved him. she knew he was trying and that was enough. she would always want her dad, even if wade didn’t understand why.
wade would watch her from the rooftop of her school, from the alleyways she walked by, everywhere he could get a glimpse of his little girl.
and ellie, being his perfect, sweet baby girl, she knew. always. it would take everything in her not to run to him so she could leap into his arms, so she could feel safe.
if wade knew, he’d laugh because who would feel safe with him? he’d laugh until the tears began to fall.
she was safe to him. his mind would finally be calmer, his body would relax, and he would smile. smile because his beautiful girl was everything.
sneaky visits just to make sure she was okay, he’d tell himself.
but that was dangerous, reckless, selfish.
it put her in danger. he put her in danger.
so he was gone — for her sake. sure, the killings increased, and he was angrier — but he couldn’t see ellie. it was too dangerous.
he hated himself. to have a kid, abandon her mother and then abandon her too.
when the visits stopped, ellie didn’t understand at first.
even with all the danger that came with being associated with wade, she wanted her dad. that’s all she wanted. she wanted him to stay with her.
”daddy, please, stay.” she’d ask every time she got to see him properly.
but wade never said yes, never said he’d stay because god, his life was fucked up.
and he couldn’t do that to ellie, not when he had already fucked up her life so much. he had used her as bait once, what type of father was he? not one that deserved her.
the visits stopping was bearable. ellie came to understand why, she was a smart girl.
but, when wade forgot her, when he had wiped her from his mind, that almost crushed her.
”oh, dad…”
her heart was breaking. none of it was fair. it was never fair, not to ellie and not to wade.
it wasn’t until she saw her dad, beaten and defeated, broadcasted for the world to see that she couldn’t bear it anymore. she couldn’t bear to see her dad like that but it was like she couldn’t look away either. she forced herself to put her ipad away, it was too much, she couldn’t stop crying. biting her lip to stop the sound of her sobs, she wanted to scream.
she just wanted her dad with her.
she shoved her face into her pillow and squeezed her eyes shut. all the sobs she couldn’t hold back, muffled. all she wanted now was to sleep, if she was sleeping then she wouldn’t have to think about her dad.
and wade…well, he was always thinking of ellie. even without his memories, he could feel his love for her. nothing could take away how much he loved ellie. ever.
she was his everything. even when he didn’t know it.
but she wasn’t enough to pull him out of insanity. a mind like his…it would never be normal. it would never be at peace.
and it wasn’t all the fucked up experimentation, or the childhood trauma, or the constant memory wiping. sure those things definitely added to it but really, it was wade himself who would destroy any semblance of peace he had.
you know what they say.
dying is easy, living is hard.
well, both were difficult for wade but the meaning was similar enough.
when he couldn’t remember ellie, he’d stare at the wall or ceiling with this sinking empty feeling that something, someone was missing.
but wade being wade never dealt with that, ever. feelings? gross.
of course, that feeling never went away. he felt empty inside, and if bruce banner’s secret was that he’s always angry, wade’s was he was always empty.
and he couldn’t fill that with anything.
alcohol didn’t work, he’d have to drink about everything in at least 3 liquor stores to get drunk. killing people barely gave him any satisfaction, nothing but a job and even if your job was doing your favourite thing in the world, it was bound to become boring at some point.
but when he was with ellie, when he saw her face, he felt something. he’d say it was happiness if he didn’t know any better.
he wasn’t allowed to be happy. everything that happened to him just confirms that, everything that happened to those he loved makes him even more certain.
his life had to be hell. it was written that way.
when he saw ellie again, really saw her, she leapt into his arms and it felt like everything in the world was going to be fine.
but it never was.
”erase my memories again and leave ellie alone.”
ellie knew he was trying to protect her but god, to hear your dad say that, to know that’s what he has to do just so you wouldn’t be hurt…her heart broke.
again and again, her heart shattered, the same heart that her daddy pieced back together just by seeing her, hugging her, protecting her, it broke again and she didn’t know when he’d be back to fix it.
would he be back this time?
oh god, she just wanted him to stay.
and even if wade didn’t think he deserved it, didn’t ellie? didn’t she deserve to have her dad?
his ellie, his princess, his beautiful girl.
it destroyed wade to be apart from her but this, this was just how it had to be.
”daddy, please stay, please, i love you daddy.”
and as much as it hurt him to walk away, he always did.
for her.
he just hoped she understood.
and of course, ellie always did because she was his perfect little girl, always would be.
”remembering you was like coming home, but sometimes, we can’t go home, ellie-bear. you’re gonna do good, kid, i’ve seen it.”.