All the lights in Callie's apartment were incandescent. Not a single one was otherwise. It was the one thing she required in every living space of hers. No fluorescent lights, no CFL, no halogen lights, and certainly no LEDs. Even if they burnt out twice as fast, she’d willingly replace them each and every time. Yes, she knew it was bad for the environment, and no, she couldn't care less.
LEDs were practically the worst. They were sickeningly bright, and people would always leave them on, even when Callie explicitly told them how much it bothered her.
The pretty colors could be nice, but it always felt like something sinister was lurking beneath them. As if there was a secret message buried just between the crests of each wavelength.
Especially now, when she was out on a date with Dedf1sh, and the lights flickering above their dinner table flashed in her mind every second.
At first, she tried to ignore it. To let it vanish into the back of her mind, and just focus on a night with her partner. She’d fiddle with the menu, rereading the list of fruity cocktails which sounded delicious if she wasn’t absolutely sick to her stomach.
Dedf1sh sat across from her, idly tapping on the table, waiting for the waiter to check in on them again. Her glasses and hat were off, discarded at the side of the table. Leaning against her was a black forearm crutch, which she kept having to catch to stop it from falling down.
Callie's gaze drifted to their clothes as a kind of distraction, analyzing the specific style they picked out for tonight.
Instead of their usual straight black T-shirt, they wore a sleeveless turtleneck, with a zipper starting just below their clavicle, and going all the way up their throat. It shone a nice silver.
A silver, which reflected the flickering LED back at her.
She tried to blink it away, still frantically looking over their clothes as Dedf1sh sat, mindlessly tapping out rhythms on the wood.
Dedf1sh wore a black bomber jacket too. It was thick, and had large pockets on the front, and was completed with a few pins that Callie had gifted to them.
For someone who was notoriously ditzy, she was having a hard time distracting herself. Callie understood the irony, but decided not to dwell on it for too long.
It's just a light. She tried to reason with herself. Callie knew that wasn't where the conversation ended. But frankly, that was a conversation she didn't need to have right now. Nor one she wanted to have.
All she wanted to do was have a pleasant meal with her partner, but that blasted light kept flashing like a broken beacon.
Again, she tried to blink it away. And again, she found herself back where she started. Maybe she should try talking to Dedf1sh. Surely that could help draw her attention, right?
“So… how has your day been?” Cod, she hates small talk, but this was the preferable alternative. Her stomach writhed around. Whether out of hunger or sickening nausea, it was unclear.
“It’s been alright. I’ve mostly been spending my time…” And then Callie lost track of what they were saying, instead just trying to focus on the even tone of their voice. “... How about you?”
“Oh me?” Shit. Now she had no idea what they were talking about. Great move there, Cal. Real classic. Well, if she had to guess, Dedf1sh was likely asking her about her day in return. With a sigh, she formed her reply. “It’s been fine. Mostly logistics now that we’re idols again… a lotta scheduling with Marie.”
“Hope it settles down soon. I’d like to spend more time with you soon.” Dedf1sh gave a small lopsided smirk, but instead of making her heart flutter, like it usually would, it made her stomach twist in almost painful knots. Maybe I should have actually eaten today before this.
“Yeah, it’s sad having my schedule so full… Between newscasts, performances, and Splatfest preparations… I barely get any time to myself.” Am I talking too much? Or not enough?
“Glad you could come out tonight though.”
“Yeah, me too!”
They fell back into silence, and Callie could feel guilt quietly prickling inside her throat, scraping down her vocal chords. Talk to your partner, you idiot!
“So…” It seemed that Dedf1sh had beaten her to the punch. “What exactly did you have in mind for tonight? Just dinner? Because if you’re in the mood… I can offer up my apartment for the night.” Their tone dropped to a sultry one, as she leaned just a little bit closer to Callie. “How does that sound?”
Callie felt her chest flush. But rather than being a comfortable warmth, it felt suffocating. Like her entire body was being smothered by uncomfortable, sweaty heat, that stuck her shirt to her back and her skirt to her thighs.
“Heh… maybe. We’ll see how I feel about it a little later tonight.” She played it off by plastering on a coy smile, and tilting her head with a wink.
The waiter soon came by, and introduced themself, though Callie spaced out on their name. Instead, she just stayed silent until it was time for her to order. Then, she merely repeated what she’d picked out earlier, and zoned back out, trying to hide the beads of sweat that began to form on her neck.
Why was it so hot? Surely not just because of Dedf1sh’s suggestion.
It’s the light isn’t it? She knew it was a stretch. Lights like that don’t even emit that much heat anymore. But it was the thought that counted, right? Even if there was a small, microscopic, chance that the light was the cause, she’d jump on the chance to blame it. Much easier than considering any sort of alternative.
So, when the waiter left with their orders, she took the opportunity to stand up, offering Dedf1sh an ‘I’ll be right back, just gotta go to the bathroom real quick,’ before weaving her way around the moving bodies of people.
But there was a twinge in her mind. A twist in her thoughts as she walked away.
Why did you walk away? Just because of a flickering light?
She didn't bother answering the question, but it lingered in her mind, turning sour as she pushed herself into the bathroom.
What she wasn't expecting was for the new lights to practically the blind her, blaring into her eyes until she could feel the sting sink deep into her mantle.
Callie pressed her hand to her eyes, trying to block out any semblance of it.
She swore it was flickering too.
But with a blink of her eyes, she saw that they weren't, or at least, not as intensely as the light above their dinner table.
So why did she feel like it was making it worse? Why did the lights in here bring the same dread? The same mind-numbing fear that felt oh, so familiar.
Callie shook her head to try and ground herself, but all she did was make her neck hurt.
Just go splash some water on your face, and you'll be fine.
She grumbled, and moved to check the few stalls, making sure she was alone. Then she checked again to make sure.
Checking thrice is excessive.
Callie checked anyway. Once she was absolutely, positively, one-hundred-thirteen percent satisfied with the answer, she dragged her way to the sink, gently moving to turn on the faucet.
But for some reason her hands hesitated. Trembling against the cool metal of the handles. Hot or cold? A simple enough decision, really. But something about it made her tense up, unable to move a single muscle
Her stomach wriggled and writhed, pressing up against her muscles in a contorted pain.
Hot or cold? She repeated to herself, trying to coax an answer out.
It felt like it was stuck, like there was a right answer somewhere, she was just incapable of realizing it. That answer stuck on the tip of her tongue, and yet, also stashed away in the deep crevices of her brain.
And then, like a leaf in the wind, the answer that she reached for so greatly, gently slipped away into some kind of inescapable trench, never to be seen again.
The notion made Callie sick.
And suddenly? Even more answers seemed to fall away too, being blown away into the ether. Answers to questions she didn't even know she was asking.
What are you doing here?
Why did you choose this place?
What's happening?
What am I feeling?
Why am I like this?
All of them were left unanswered as her brain gently pushed them away, as if they were useless pieces of information.
It made it seem so easy just to slip away too. To embrace the nothingness that gently quieted her mind.
But she knew she couldn't.
Callie needed to stay here. She needed to stay where she could feel.
Confront what she was feeling. To stare them down and wrangle the answers out of her head.
But with every passing second, each individual feeling seemed to slowly drain, dwindling unnaturally in intensity.
Her breathing seemed to be hoarse, but carried a strange evenness.
No, no, no. I can't go back to feeling like that.
But what was it that she was feeling?
Surprisingly, three answers came to mind. Empty… Receptive… Submissive…
“No!” Her voice cracked as she yelled out, echoing off the tiles. Her body reacted next, bursting out a surge of energy to try and keep herself sane.
A thud sounded, and Callie felt a blunt pressure against the tips of her knuckles. Again and again, she kept swinging her hands, waiting for the stinging bite of pain to overtake her. Or for some kind of anger or sadness to seep itself into her.
But instead, the emptiness only grew, devouring any sensation it could get between its gnashing jaws.
Before long, the dull ache felt removed from her body. As if it was only something that existed apart from her body, rather than intertwined with it.
That’s when she sank, collapsing onto the tiled floor with a heave. Everything around her started to feel distorted. Like every color was either just a little too dull, or a little too vibrant.
Her nails dug into the pale flesh of her arms as a last resort. Anything to keep her in the moment.
This was the feeling she hated most.
She could handle anger. Despair was nothing new. Hell, even ink-freezing fear was fine. But nothing? Nothing was terrifying.
Especially when it was so easy for her to just let herself fall. Just to gently slip back down into a hypnotic sleep, and forget everything that would ever come of it.
There was barely any feeling when her fingers pierced skin.
I don't want to go back. She pleaded to herself. I… I can't get hypnotized again. Not by some stupid ass flickering light… Please…
The thoughts seemed too dull now, having lost the cutting edge they flaunted just moments earlier.
Everything was quiet. Her thoughts. Her pains. Her feelings. They all seemed dim, flickering in and out like the cursed lightbulb that got her into this mess.
Callie could feel the gentle trickle of inky blood coming from her fingertips. But still no pain. It was as if something completely stopped it from hurting.
Sure, she could tell that the skin underneath was damaged, but there wasn't necessarily an urge to pull her nails out. So she didn't. They remained firmly in place, and the blood slowly trickled down to her palm.
She was tired. That seemed to be the only sensation she could even name anymore.
So tired that she didn't even notice that the bathroom door opened, until a shadow was cast on the floor.
“Hey Cal, our dinner has been ready for a while… oh,”
When she slowly lifted her head up, she saw that the source of the shadow was none other than her partner, Dedf1sh.
The fact that Callie even felt the need to remind herself of that hurt in its own way.
They were leaning on her forearm crutch, standing tall above her.
Callie couldn't tell if she was relieved or terrified of the prospect of them being here. Granted, she had a hard time telling anything at the moment, so she just left those thoughts where they were.
Dedf1sh crouched down across from her, laying their crutch on the tile beside her, and gently took in the entire scene. It clearly wasn't a pretty one, with Callie hunched over on the floor, with red knuckles and blood gently dripping down her biceps.
“You’re bleeding…” They said, their tone surprisingly even, given the situation they just walked in on. Quietly, their hand moved up, wiping away a bead of blood. Dedf1sh was gentle about it too, using the side of their knuckle, as to not scratch Callie with snaggled claws.
Callie didn't know why the fact was surprising to her. She knew she was; she felt the skin break and the blood flow. Maybe it was something about hearing it stated so plainly in front of her.
Dedf1sh flinched back immediately, withdrawing their hand.
“I’m sorry, I should have asked first.” They held their hand out, halfway between both of them. “Is it alright if I touch you?”
Callie tilted her head slightly up in a nod, but just barely. Hopefully it would be enough for Dedf1sh to realize.
They seemed to, as they pressed one hand against Callie's arm, right over the wounds, and held her shoulder in the other.
“Callie, are you with me?” Dedf1sh tilted their head when they asked, gently placing their cold hands over Callie's.
It was hard to move her tongue to say the right words. What words would those be anyway? What does she mean by that? She ended up not replying.
Dedf1sh’s shoulders slumped and their head hung limp in a breathless sigh for a small second, before straightening up, and gently grasping Callie's hands.
The stiff hold her hands were in immediately softened once Dedf1sh held them. Callie felt them gently remove her own from her arms, analyzing the bloodied crescents her nails made.
“Are you in any pain?”
What did pain even feel like anymore? Were her hands in pain? It was only a pressure on her knuckles, wasn't it?
What about her legs? Was the weight of her body painful? It shouldn't have been, but the weight on the bottom of her thighs was certainly jarring. Could that be pain? How about the way her legs were sprawled out? It should have been uncomfortable at the very least.
Both were noticeable enough that it would make sense. But the signals her body was sending were foggy and static, making it impossible to tell the pain from pressure.
She shook her head in response. For the sake of argument, no, she wasn't in any pain.
Dedf1sh slumped their shoulders again before shrugging off their jacket, and placing it around Callie's shoulders.
“I think we should go home.” They said, “We can ask for boxes so we can take our food.”
Leave? But they just got here! Surely she had to do something to make up for dragging Dedf1sh out tonight.
“What?” Callie finally choked out. “Why?”
“Darling…” They started. “Do you think you should stay?”
Should she? It was a nice, clear, night. A night she wanted to spend with her partner. Their food was ready and waiting for them just outside.
But would it even be the same anymore? Could she go back and just enjoy the night in the state she's in? Should she?
The questions fluttered around in the dull wasteland of her mind, kicking up dust that made it hard for her to think.
Callie needed to come up with a response, but the dust seemed to get caught in her throat, blocking any usage of her voice.
Dedf1sh was waiting patiently, completely still besides the gentle adjustment they were making to the jacket around Callie.
She needed to give her a quick response.
But large swaths of possible replies rolled over her thoughts like storm clouds, making it impossible to pick one to say.
Callie almost flinched when Dedf1sh brought their hand up to her shoulder. How could she feel so anxious at the same time as feeling practically nothing?
Dedf1sh held out their phone in front of her, carefully pulling up a screen for Callie.
On it were several prewritten phrases, each divided into different categories, along with a keyboard attachment, and common words that would be used.
Dedf1sh had brought up her communications app.
“Would this help?”
It was confusing at first. Callie had never needed AAC, so why would she start now? She wasn't like Dedf1sh, where sometimes, the stress on their vocal cords would just render them useless, or when their brain was just unable to come up with words. Callie was a healthy woman. Her voice box worked just fine. So why did she need this? All she needed to do was toughen up and talk, right?
Her hands trembled as she took the phone. Once she looked, she saw that the different categories were titled. She carefully looked into the category listed as Medical , anticipating what Dedf1sh was going to ask.
“How are you feeling right now?”
Callie began searching through the responses. She picked out the beginning phrase easily, as it was one of the first listed in the section.
“ I feel… ” The phone spoke aloud. Callie searched through the section, only finding answers related to pain or physical sensations. None of those really felt accurate. So, then, she moved to the section about emotions.
Still, no response felt quite accurate. Was she angry? Sad? Disgusted? Worried? It was all so confusing. And the given responses were far too simplistic to describe anything. And the thick clouds of her brain prevented her from coming up with her own words.
“ ...bad. ” She finished. It was the only way she could think to complete the sentence in a way that made sense. “ I feel bad. ”
“Okay, that's alright. Do you want to go home?” Callie began to consider the option again, but the guilt still stung.
Dedf1sh barely gets out of the house at all outside of work… If I drag them out, I need to make it worth it…
“Callie,” Dedf1sh tightened their grip on her shoulder. “Don’t think about me. What do you need right now? Do you need to go home?”
Callie averted her eyes and tapped one of the premade responses.
“Yes. ”
“Alright.” Dedf1sh slotted their arm into the loop of the crutch, grabbing on the handle. Then they pushed themself up off the ground, and into a standing position. “Do you need help getting up?”
She tried to answer her question by standing up, but she wobbled. The weight pressing against the balls of her feet.
Callie took step after lopsided step, trying to make her way out of the bathroom. But she stumbled as soon as she reached Dedf1sh’s side.
Dedf1sh stepped closer, looping an arm around her waist to steady her.
“Is this okay?”
Callie silently nodded, carefully leaning a bit into Dedf1sh’s side. Not enough to really put any weight onto Dedf1sh, but enough to feel that they were there.
With a gentle tug, Dedf1sh guided Callie forward, leading her towards the door.
So she followed, setting one shaky foot in front of the other, until she passed through the threshold of the door. The bright lights of the bathroom shifted to the much dimmer lights of the restaurant.
The much dimmer, still flickering, lights. Even from where they were, she could see the flashes in the corner of her eyes. Every single time, pulsing like a heartbeat, casting long shadows whenever it would blink on. Only for them to disappear when it fizzled out.
How much longer could Callie hold herself together? Probably not long, considering her little outburst in the bathroom.
She closed her eyes, trying desperately to block it out, and just follow the pull of Dedf1sh’s arm. But when she did, suddenly every sound seemed to resonate in her ears. Little bits of conversations, taps of shoes against the floor, the sounds of silverware clacking and clinking against plates.
But it all seemed to fade into white noise, lulling Callie's brain gently down into a mindless trance. A trance that she tried to fight back against. Each of her fingernails sunk deep into the skin where her neck met her shoulders.
The sensation itself was cloudy, twisting around the line between pressure and pain.
Dedf1sh spoke some words to a nearby waitress, but Callie didn't have the capacity to even hear it. It all blended into the background noise.
“The waitress is getting us a box, Callie. After that, I'll pay, then we'll walk home, alright? Does that sound alright?” The words stuck in her brain, swirling around like jelly. Individually, she knew all the meanings of the words, but once Dedf1sh said them all at once, it was like suddenly each syllable just became noise. A baseless, white, noise. “Callie?”
Each nail pricked her clavicle, scratching through layer after layer of skin.
“Stop that. You're going to hurt yourself.” Callie eased the pressure, removing her nails slightly, but still keeping her hand in place.
The hand around her waist removed itself, instead slotting its way between Callie's nails and the skin of her neck.
“Are you doing this intentionally, Callie?” She bit her tongue, still trying to form any kind of sentence from the residual goo her brain has been rendered too. Dedf1sh seemed to catch on immediately. “Use my phone.”
Callie opened her eyes, and remembered she was still holding Dedf1sh’s phone in her other hand. She brought is closer to herself, seeing the screen still open to the AAC app.
“Are you piercing your skin intentionally?”
She hovered over the two most basic responses.
No. She thought. She didn't want to be hurting herself. There was no purpose, especially when she had a hard time feeling the pain. And making herself bleed would cause a scene.
Yes. Her thoughts replied. She was doing it to ground herself. Whether she was doing it consciously or not, she never made the choice to remove her hands.
Her thumb hovered over the two options for a painfully long time. Even when she's given aid, she's rendered speechless. What a hand she's been dealt.
“Disregard that, then. Just…give me your hands, alright?”
That was much easier to do. So easy that Callie cursed herself internally for obeying someone without any resistance. But her brain was sludge, and her body wasn't much better.
At least Dedf1sh was gentle with it, taking her state with such grace and poise that she never expected from anyone. They gently took back their phone, and held both of Callie's hands into their free one. With a gentle tug, Dedf1sh encouraged her to sit down in the booth beside them.
They were sure to give Callie the aisle seat.
The stench of dinner finally caught up to her, and the reminder of her empty stomach was suddenly as close to the front of her mind as it could be. But instead of feeling hungry, all she could bring herself to feel was nauseous, as her stomach acid sloshed around in the empty space.
Soon the waitress came back. Soon, Dedf1sh had to release her hand, and transfer both of their meals to separate boxes.
Callie was numb the entire time, resigning herself, and finally staring up at the flickering light. She fell into the steady rhythm of emptiness, allowing her mind to just shut down. It wasn't as if she had any say in the matter anyway.
She felt vulnerable, like at any given moment, the sky would crush down on her and make her buckle under its weight. Or perhaps a fan would come up and recognize her. Maybe someone would slide a pair of shades over her eyes again and—
“Callie. We're done. I paid and everything. Are you ready to go home?”
Callie nodded, deciding to derail whatever train brought her previous musing. She grabbed her purse with a mechanical movement, and slid out of the booth. Dedf1sh followed after her, wrapping their arm around her waist once more.
She let Dedf1sh guide her out of the restaurant, and out onto the street. The sun had long since set, leaving the sky somewhat dark, however it was still lit fairly well from the street lamps, and the light from nearby stores.
“Callie, I'm going to take you to my apartment. Then I'll treat your injuries, and we can work our way out from there. Does that sound alright?”
She mindlessly nodded. Dedf1sh’s frown was apparent, but they remained silent, gently guiding Callie away from the restaurant, until they reached a train station.
Callie took out her card, and Dedf1sh tapped it for her.
The entire train ride was a blur.
Dedf1sh led her off the train soon enough anyways.
“We’re almost there. Just a little bit longer, alright?” Their gentle encouragement didn't go unnoticed, but they went unacknowledged.
Callie was practically hiding in Dedf1sh's jacket by the time they reached the door. She'd pulled it over herself, clinging to the fabric until her bruised knuckles began to sting.
Dedf1sh fumbled with their keys for a moment before opening the door, offering Callie to walk in first.
It was large, for a studio apartment, that is.
“Can you go sit in the bathroom? I'll be right back with a first aid kit, okay?”
Callie nodded, and trudged along until she reached the threshold of the door, leaning her entire weight against the wall.
It felt like her body was entering some kind of stasis. A weird limbo between waking and dreaming.
“Cal…” Dedf1sh was back, and lingering behind her, by the sound of it. “Come on. I'll help you in.”
A hand was placed on the center of her back, gently urging her to walk in. So she did. The hands moved to her shoulders, gently pressing her down. And so, Callie followed, sitting down until she was on the floor.
Dedf1sh eased themself down as well, laying their crutch along the floor.
“Can you take off the jacket?” Callie did, letting fall to the floor behind her. Then she could feel the pressure of something being pressed up against her bicep. Something wet. A washcloth, perhaps? But then it was gone, and replaced with the feeling of a sticky cloth.
She looked back, and saw that Dedf1sh had placed a bandaid over one set of the marks, and moved to her other side to work on the others.
“What are you doing?” Callie felt herself ask.
“Bandaging your claw marks.” Dedf1sh replied. Their tone still remained cool and even.
“Why?”
“Because I care about you.”
Now that was a notion that seemed practically impossible for Callie to grasp. So she stayed silent, and slumped her head forward, looking into the dark tiles.
A tap on her shoulder.
“Hey, Callie, can you hold this for me for a second?”
She reflexively opened her hand.
Something wet, cold, and slippery was placed in it. A second later, and it was much colder than she realized. Freezing, actually. And not just because it was in Dedf1sh's hands, but because the object itself was cold.
Her hands began to tingle, and she dropped the object on reflex. She heard it slide across the floor, and felt cold water left on her hand.
Dedf1sh made me hold ice.
But her hand didn't stop tingling when she dropped it. In fact it started to hurt. As if a thistle had worked its way into her palm. Her knuckles began to pulse with a startling ache. A similar pain came from her biceps, and now her stomach had returned to its knotted state.
The horrifying realization dawned on her.
I'm coming down.
The void that had been left inside her quickly filled with a sharp-toothed fear that sunk around her throat. Everything hurts. Everything was hurting.
Burning, throbbing, stinging, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that she was hurting . How did she not realize earlier? It seemed like it engulfed her.
It was all in such clarity too. She felt every individual rush of air that came out of her mouth, every beat of her hearts. The thumping of two of her hearts pumping ink to her limbs, followed by one pushing it up to her brain.
Loud. Hot. Cold. Pain.
Callie was back, and it was terrifying.
She was practically stuck in her place, feeling everything around her.
A new pressure placed itself against her shoulder. Callie immediately swatted it away.
“Sorry, Callie…”
That was her. That was her name, and it belonged to her. Her name. Callie. Callie Cuttlefish. Famous Actress Callie. Singer-Songwriter Callie. Callie Cuttlefish of the Squid Sisters.
DJ Octavio Ft. Callie.
The jaws of fear crushed down on her throat, bringing a burning with it. But not the scorching melt of fire. More of a sizzling tingle that felt like it would dissolve, rather than scald.
A bubble felt like it bursted in her stomach, and that's finally when she moved. Her body scrambled itself away from Dedf1sh, and towards the toilet.
She snapped open the lid and promptly felt the little contents of her stomach empty out her throat, hitting the ceramic with a wet slap. The sound alone made her want to heave.
Her tongue burned. So did her throat. The thick taste of bile remained.
Dedf1sh seemed to immediately spring into action, pulling themself up by the counter, and racing out of the bathroom. They didn't even bother to take their crutch, instead just stumbling their way around their apartment.
They quickly returned with a glass of water, and a separate water bottle, quickly setting them down on the bathroom counter, and kneeling back down beside Callie.
“It’s alright, Callie. I've got you water. Everything will be okay,” They said. “I know it might not feel like it right now, but I'll help you out until everything settles.”
Callie wanted to respond, but she was too busy trying to spit out the remnants of partially digested food from her mouth. With a thick and chunky cough, she felt the last of it fall out of her mouth.
The bitter taste still remained.
“Are you with me?” Dedf1sh asked. This time, Callie was able to answer.
“Y-Yeah…” At least she could say that now. That she was here, in the moment.
“How are you feeling?”
Her face was slick with sweat, and she could feel it pooling in her armpits and the base of her neck. The acidic taste of vomit still lingered on her tongue, as the repulsive smell singed her nose. She closed the toilet lid and flushed before answering.
“Disgusting,” She answered as Dedf1sh handed her a glass of water. She took it, and stood up by the sink to wash her mouth out. “‘m fucking gross.”
“It’s not gross for you to go through this, Callie. You aren't gross.”
The statement helped a little, but it didn't quite dispel her feelings. She rinsed her mouth out again. And again. Then she washed her hands with as hot of water as she could handle.
At least I was able to make the decision this time.
Dedf1sh pushed themself up to stand by her, leaning a lot of their weight against the counter.
Callie noticed, and picked up their crutch for them. “I’m sorry.”
They gratefully took their crutch and just leaned on it, not bothering to loop it around their arm. “Whatever for?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” She practically spat out. “For ruining our date like that! For choosing a place that I was clearly unprepared for! For breaking down and then forcing you to take care of me!”
Dedf1sh placed their hand by Callie’s, but was careful not to touch her without warning this time.
“You aren't forcing me to do anything.”
“Then tell me why you're still here!” Callie was shocked by the venom that she laced between her words. The next part came out as more of a stifled sob. “Why are you doing this if I'm not forcing you?”
“Because I love you. And I don't like seeing you suffer.”
“Is it really that simple?” Callie felt herself hold back another sob. Fear, disgust, guilt… all the emotions we're coming back in a sickly procession. Her brain was still jelly, but now it felt like it was boiling over, pressing against the sides of her head in a throbbing pain.
When Dedf1sh nodded, it broke Callie’s hearts.
“Can…Can I have a hug?” She choked out.
Immediately, she felt cold hands gently pull her closer, until there was no space left between them. Her own arms slid weakly around Dedf1sh’s waist, trying desperately to hold them close. Dedf1sh’s arms wrapped around her upper back, lightly scratching the fabric of her sweaty shirt.
“I’m sorry for yelling at you. And swatting your hand away,” Callie said, after a moment of silence. “I shouldn't have done that.”
“It’s alright.”
“No, it isn't.”
Dedf1sh held onto Callie just a bit tighter, squeezing her slightly. “Then we can work it out later. Right now you just need support. A discussion like that can happen when you're in a safer mindset.”
What? Didn't Callie need to roll over begging? She had done something wrong. She yelled. She snapped. She slapped Dedf1sh away. Those aren't things a good girlfriend does. I guess that would explain why I did it.
One of the hands on her back had moved up, gently trailing their fingers up her nape.
“Callie, I promise you, it's alright. All that matters right now is making sure you're safe , alright?”
“What did I ever do to deserve you, Ahato?”
“You were yourself. That's all that matters to me.”
She tried to hold back a sob, but it cracked out so easily. But she didn't cry, instead only shaking against Dedf1sh’s chest. Their arms tightened in return, and Callie practically pressed herself into them.
Her head kept swimming though, pressing up against itself in a painful aftershock of fear. Each of her muscles sunk with exhaustion.
It’s getting late. Callie suddenly reminded herself. You’re going to have to go home, and try to convince Marie you’re okay. The premise wore her out even more.
“Hey, Dedf1sh? I-I know this wasn't what you had in mind when you said that you can offer up your apartment… but can I spend the night? I don't think I have the energy to go back home…”
Dedf1sh leaned down to kiss her forehead. “Of course. I'll set everything up for you. Is there anything you want to do that might help you settle down? Cuddling or a massage perhaps? I want you to be able to sleep through the night.”
Those both did seem like nice options, but as soon as Dedf1sh mentioned them, Callie could feel the cold, slick sweat still pooling across her skin, making her clothes damp and her palms sticky.
“M-Maybe a bath would help. Especially after I vomited…”
“Then I'll get one ready for you. Any preferences?”
She sighed, grateful that she actually had an answer to give.
“Hot, no floral scents, epsom salts for the pain… keep the lights off.”
Dedf1sh nodded in response, and they loosened their grip on Callie. They didn't completely remove their hand though, instead, turning Callie towards a small shelf, which held a bin full of bath supplies.
“I’ll go get you a change of clothes, okay? You can pick out whatever you want from here.”
Callie picked out the most neutral smelling bubble bath she could find. She wasn't really in the mood for sitting in clear water, but any strong scent would likely tip her headache over the edge and cause her to either shut down or break down again. And Callie wasn't willing to make that gamble.
She then found a bag of epsom salts beside it.
Figures Dedf1sh would have this. I hope their pain isn’t too bad tonight.
Once she set aside the two products, Dedf1sh quickly returned, setting a folded hoodie and a pair of shorts out for her. Callie quickly handed over the bath supplies to Dedf1sh.
They wordlessly took them, and turned to begin preparing Callie’s bath. They sunk the plug into the drain, and started running the water. Callie watched as they poured the salts and bubble bath in, watching it froth up into a tall foam.
Callie went to remove her shirt, placing her fingers on the hem… but an almost burning sensation cut her off. Skin deep, and emanating from her side.
How didn’t I notice this?
It wasn’t like the pain in her knuckles, that pulsed every second. But it felt almost ghostly… like it wasn’t even really there. And within a second, she knew what it was.
It shouldn't be hurting! It's six years old, for squids sake! But that didn't stop it.
Her hands were stuck in place, clutching onto the hem of her shirt like it was her only safeguard.
Eventually, the water filled, and Dedf1sh turned off the faucet, and turned back. Their face fell when she saw Callie’s seemingly distressed expression.
“Do you want me to leave?”
Callie frantically shook her head.
“Hand…” Callie requested, removing one of her hands from the hem of her shirt, and holding it out for Dedf1sh.
Dedf1sh fit their hand into Callie's.
She quickly slid Dedf1sh’s hand under her shirt, and pressed it against the burning flesh. Right over the inked skin. As soon as her cold hand came in contact with it, it soothed the itchy burn.
“Oh…” Was all Dedf1sh said. They applied just a bit more pressure after that, and began to gently rub the skin with the pads of their fingertips, still being careful not to even graze it with their claws. “Is it hurting again?”
“Y-Yeah… like it's being tattooed all over again.” Callie looped her other arm back around Dedf1sh, attempting to hold them close. She could feel the beginnings of tears again, but she bit them back, lest they flow out.
It was as if she could feel the needle piercing her skin again. Every short, individual pinprick. The ink itself seemed to seer through her skin, and down into the muscle of her stomach.
She never should have run away. Never should have accepted those hypnoshades. Never should have gone back, time after time.
Never should have brushed off Marie by saying, ‘ Oh, no it's just temporary! Just a little hot water will wash it off.’ because she hates seeing her cousin worry about someone as unworthy as her.
Never should have sworn Dedf1sh to secrecy when they'd first gotten undressed in front of one another, desperate just to feel something else for once.
“Cod… I'm a fucking trainwreck…” She pulled Dedf1sh’s hand away. “I really am a fucking piece of work…”
“Hey now, none of that. It's alright for this to be happening, Callie. I know it's hard.” They gripped Callie a bit tighter. Their cold skin at least brought relief. “...And I know that I can't just make it better by saying the right words. But please, just extend yourself the same kindness you do to me, alright? That's what's important right now.”
Kindness? That's the one thing she knows she doesn't deserve. Kindness? After everything she's done? Something inside her sizzled, and before she knew it, it boiled up and out of her mouth.
“How? How do I do that? Because every time I look at myself, all I see is a whiny, snively, bitch, who can't deal with the consequences of her own actions!” Callie felt the instant regret of her temper again, and sunk her beak into the flesh of her tongue to shut herself up.
It didn't work.
“And I know what you're going to say. ‘Oh, Callie, it wasn't your fault.’ But how the hell can that be true? I took those fucking shades, knowing full well the consequences that would arise. Yet here I am! Still shocked that I'm dealing with them—”
“Callie!” Dedf1sh finally snapped. “I don't care if it was your fault or not! I don't care if you knew the consequences before you took the shades or not. Even if you knew every single detail—which I doubt you did—that wouldn't change a cod damn thing, okay?”
Dedf1sh moved their hands up to grip her shoulders, gently rubbing them. Their tone lost its edge, and instead shifted to a much more soothing cadence. “It doesn't matter at all that you played with fire. What matters is that you're burnt. ”
The concept finally wormed its way into her mind, settling in an uneasy acceptance. Dedf1sh really didn't care if it was her fault or not.
“Oh…” was all Callie could say in response.
She wasn't sure how the concept made her feel anymore. Not because she couldn't feel, like earlier, but rather because it felt like she was being hit with a ship's worth of conflicting emotions all at once.
Callie felt herself sink again. Her shoulders dropped, but somehow still remained just as tense.
Dedf1sh kept gently stroking them, letting their fingertips trail up to her neck, and back down to where her shoulders met her clavicle.
Calming . Some of her thoughts dwindled. Many still remained, but seemed to be a bit smaller, and more manageable.
“Are you ready to take your bath, or do you need a few more moments?”
“I think I'm ready… It's just… Cod… I need help.”
“What do you need help with, darling?”
“I…” She realized her request had one major way it could be misinterpreted, but she took the chance. “Can you take off my shirt?”
“Okay.” Then Dedf1sh moved their hands down to the hem, and gently lifted it up. They didn't say a word. No ‘at least buy me dinner first’ , or ‘you’ve put on a bit more weight recently.’ Just a peaceful silence as Dedf1sh pulled it up over her head, and folded it, before setting it next to the change of clothes they got out for her.
When they came up to Callie again, they lingered behind her back, for just a second.
“Do you want help with the rest?”
Callie nodded in response, and Dedf1sh undid the latch of her necklace, untied the bow of her tentacles, and gently pulled the clips from her tentacles as well. They set those by her clothes too.
Their hands then traveled down, until they settled on the center of Callie's back. Dedf1sh tapped the clasp of her bra, gently resting their fingertips against her shoulder blades.
“I know this can be… sensitive for you… do you want to undo it, or should I?” Dedf1sh asked. “I can leave the room if you want.”
Callie shook her head in reply.
“Go ahead,” She replied, managing to wriggle out of her skirt.
“Are you sure?”
Callie nodded. “Just do it already.”
With a simple motion, Dedf1sh unhooked the back, letting it fall open. Callie pushed down the straps, letting it slide off her arms and letting it fall to the floor.
“Do you want me to leave?” Dedf1sh asked again. “I’ll understand if you do.”
She shook her head again, covering her chest with one of her arms, and clutching her empty stomach with another. It was getting a little harder to ignore how little she had eaten.
“I know you've seen me naked before… but I-I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little anxious right now.” Callie started. The words caught in her chest, but she took the effort to cough them out. “But, I don't want to be alone.”
Silence followed. Realistically, it was only seconds, but Callie’s mind wasn’t grounded in realism at the moment. Each second would drag on like a tired sea slug.
“Perhaps,” They returned their hand to Callie's shoulder. “I can stay in the room with you, but turn away so I won't see you. Would that be alright for you?”
“I think so… Can you turn around now?”
“Of course.” The soft thump of their crutch against the tile indicated that they had.
Callie pulled off her underwear and slowly lowered herself into the tub, letting it rise up to her clavicle. She pulled her knees up to her chest, leaning her head against them.
It was warm. Nicely so. The heat surrounded her on all sides, combined with a gentle pressure from the water.
Dedf1sh had sat down as well, leaning their back against the tub, looking out at the rest of the bathroom.
She felt herself let out a shaky sigh, letting her muscles finally relax. Callie didn’t realize how close she was to crying until her vision began to blur.
No effort was made to stop her tears.
“Th-thank you, Ahato… I know this can't be easy… I know I have issues… ones that you shouldn’t have to deal with like this—”
“All that matters to me is that you're safe.” Callie breathed another sigh in response. “So, are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Safe?”
Callie brought up her hands, looking over them. The blood has almost entirely washed away, except for a few dried bits under her fingernails.
Bruises began to bloom around her knuckles, and she could feel the ache steadily grow whenever she moved her fingers. Her stomach roared, begging for something, anything, to be eaten. But Callie just pressed her arms around her torso to lessen the pain.
“For now…”
“You sure?”
Callie nodded, but then quickly realized that Dedf1sh wouldn't be able to see it, with their back being turned.
“I think so. I can hear what my body is saying now. Even if it hurts like a bitch.”
“That's good.” Dedf1sh replied. A beat later, they added: “You listening to your body, not it hurting. That isn't good.”
Callie huffed an awkward half-laugh. It was barely even a sound, but it was the idea that counted.
She took the effort to lean back against the edge of the tub, letting the bubbles rise up to her neck.
Dedf1sh probably deserved an explanation. That much was clear. They’d been so patient with Callie the entire night. It was the least she could offer in return.
“It was the light above our dinner table.”
“Hm?”
“That’s what got me.” She sighed and closed her eyes, rubbing her temple with one of her hands. “I… I thought it was going to hypnotize me again. Yes, I know it's stupid, and looking back on it now I know it's—”
“Callie, we've talked about this.” A quick breath, and Callie reminds herself what Dedf1sh, Marie, and her therapist had so many times.
“It’s not stupid if it's bothering me…”
“There you go.” Dedf1sh leaned back against the tub, tapping their claws against the edge.
“Well…anyway,” Callie continued. “I don't know. It was all just overwhelming. I tried to distract myself from it…but then you started saying all those—objectively attractive—things. And, I don't know… the heat, pain, and all the memories just became overwhelming…”
“Pain? Was that from your bruises?”
“No… I got those in the bathroom. I might have—” Callie sucked in a breath through her beak. “I may have punched a wall.”
“Callie… Why did you punch a wall?”
“I… I could feel myself slipping. I… I thought it was hypnosis, so I tried everything I could to fight back. So I may have punched a wall. Multiple…times… It didn't really help. Now I realize it was probably just a nasty combo of flashbacks and dissociation… so that explains why it didn’t help…”
“So what was your pain before that?”
“My—uh—stomach was hurting.” And immediately, she knew Dedf1sh caught on.
“Callie. When did you last eat?” An awkward bout of silence followed, almost entirely made up of small drops of water landing in the tub. Was it from Callie’s tears? She didn’t really know anymore. “Callie, I need you to answer me.”
“Yesterday evening.” Her voice was barely louder than a squeak. Somehow the shame only made her stomach churn more. “Are…are you mad at me?”
“No,” Dedf1sh immediately replied. “I’m not mad at you, Callie. It just hurts a little bit.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don't be. Now, Callie. May I ask why? Did you forget? Or was this on purpose?”
Don’t be disappointed in me. Don’t be disappointed in me. Don’t be disappointed in me.
“A little bit of both… I'd forgotten to eat breakfast, and by the time I remembered, I figured it was already too close to our date, so I didn't eat anything.” She looked away and pressed just a bit harder against the side of her head. “Listen Ded, just spare me the lecture, alright? I already know it's bad, and I know I should be doing better. Just… leave it. I’ll bring it up with my therapist.”
“Alright. But I'm going to make you eat something before you go to bed.”
“Fair enough…” It was for the best, after all.
“Does the dinner you ordered still sound good? It might still be warm.”
“Uhh… What… exactly did I order? I can’t really remember.”
“Crab burger. With onion rings, I believe. Do you think you'd still like that?”
Callie pondered for a moment, trying to imagine the taste and texture along her tongue. It didn't seem immediately repulsive, but it didn't seem quite familiar enough to keep her in the fragile peace she'd found.
“I don't know…”
“Well then, we can start small. I can offer you some grapes. Or strawberries. I have a lot of fruit lying around.”
“You keep fruit around?” Callie asked. It was a bit surprising Dedf1sh kept any food in their house, to be honest. But for something that sweet?
“You like fruit… so…”
Callie wanted to cry harder. “Fruit sounds good.”
“Are you alright if I left to prepare some, then? I’d just be in the other room.”
“I’d be good with that.”
With that, Dedf1sh hauled themself up again, taking their crutch, and began to make their way to the door. “Call if you need anything.”
They exited the room after that, leaving Callie alone in the tub.
The bathroom fell into silence after that, only being filled with Callie's own harsh breathing.
Cod… my body hurts so much…
At least the epsom salts eased the pain just a bit, but the toll the night took on her body was becoming more and more obvious by the second. Besides her wounds and her stomach, her knees ached from staying hunched up for so long, and her back felt like it would crumble if she wasn't being supported by the back of the tub.
I should probably get out soon.
Several long minutes dragged along until she actually followed through. Callie pulled the drain up, feeling the water slowly begin to recede.
More moments passed until she managed to fight against gravity, and get up from the bathtub. She took the towel and sluggishly dried herself off until she ran out of effort and just decided to throw on the clothes Dedf1sh offered, dealing with the dampness.
After one last drink of the water bottle, just to make sure the taste of bile was thoroughly washed out, Callie allowed herself a moment to bury herself in the hoodie. She pulled up the hood and tightened the drawstrings, allowing the fabric to fully envelop her for just a moment before she exited the bathroom.
When she made her way out, she saw Dedf1sh in their small kitchenette, arranging several packages of fruit on a plate for her. They’d changed into more practical night clothes, and had long abandoned their crutch, instead sitting down on their walker for the entire process.
Dedf1sh immediately perked up when they saw Callie.
“Hey, are you feeling a bit better?”
“I think so. Just feeling tired now.”
“I’m almost done here. How about you go lie down and I'll bring the food to you? That sound alright?”
“You’re alright with me eating on the bed? Are you sure?”
“Callie, I think there are bigger issues at hand.” They paused, closing a bag of grapes and wheeling over to put them back in the fridge. “Just make yourself comfortable. I'll be right over.”
Callie relented, making her way to Dedf1sh’s queen-size bed, and promptly collapsing into the covers. She pulled them up over her shoulders, practically swaddling herself in them.
Gentle footsteps accompanied the sound of wheels turning. The sound got ever so slightly closer until it came to a halt.
“I have your food ready.”
Callie pushed herself up on her arms into a seated position, still holding the blanket over her shoulders.
Dedf1sh stood by the edge of her bed, leaning on their walker. On the simple leather seat, Callie saw a decently sized platter, lined with fruit, crackers, cheeses, even some nuts too.
She was seconds away from crying again. “You… you made me a charcuterie board?”
“Of course I did. It's what you deserve.”
Her eyes began to blur into a watery fog.
“Ded, I need you to give me a hug right now before I burst into tears again.”
Dedf1sh carefully crawled in bed beside her, wrapping their arms around Callie's waist, and bringing her close to their chest.
For once, she could actually say that she felt safe. Nothing was going to sneak up behind her and take everything away. No one was waiting for her downfall. Her body wasn't working against her.
Callie wrapped her arms up around Dedf1sh with a final sigh.
“Thank you, Ded… Thank you, so, so much,” It seemed to be the only thing she could say anymore, so she kept repeating it like a prayer. “Thank you. I love you.”
“I love you too,” Dedf1sh replied, gently running their hands along the center of her back. “Now, c’mon Cal, let’s get something in your stomach.
But for just a moment longer, Callie held on, keeping herself enveloped in Dedf1sh’s hold.
And just that moment was enough.