Suddenly, the world is spinning. You let go the knife, both of your hands grabbing your head in an attempt to reduce the pain, nails scratching your face, a scream stuck in your throat.
It is here.
You stumble a few steps back, trying to keep control over your body, wondering how long you’ll be able to last. You are trying to concentrate on your breath and to keep your mind focus on what you are doing but none of the rules you strictly applied those past years are not working anymore.
It is back and, this time, it is mad.
In your fight against this invisible force, you became completely oblivious of your surrounding, not even noticing when you are bumping into the walls, barely hearing the bowl that broke.
"What’s happening, honey?" a voice said, giving you something to hold on.
You blink and, suddenly, the world is not pitch black anymore, it is green. It takes the heart-warming colour of her eyes as you met them. The feeling of comfort doesn’t stop the one of surprise, why is the redhead here? She is not supposed to. You didn’t even hear the woman before her voice raised.
The team left this morning for an important mission and they were supposed to be back late. After a quick glance at the clock, you realize that it is late, ten p.m. A second, it was the morning, the next it was the night, and you didn’t even noticed the time that has passed but you can see how the cookies you baked are dry now.
It stole your day.
There were days when mother was like that, being insane. Those are the memories you kept for yourself for years, being ashamed of what was happening in your home, not quite understanding it, until now.
She would act weird, as if she was completely disconnected of the world. She would forget about everything and lose track of time. One day, she woke you up in the middle of the night, not caring about your cries as she was dragging you on the stairs. “Stop finding an excuse, you need to go to school. You don’t want to end up as stupid as your father, do you?” she said as you were trying to explain to her it was Midnight. She didn’t listen, and you spent the night on the street. The next day, she would have forgotten about it.
You don’t have many memories from her before because you were too young and oblivious about how precious those moments were. One day, you woke up and she was gone.
Not dead, but gone.
She still had the appearance of your mom, but it wasn’t the same anymore. Her embrace wasn’t comforting, her words were cold, she was barely paying attention to you and just like that you knew. The day she talked to you about had eventually come.
You are loosing against It.
Your mom died a few weeks after those events, and you know you won’t last any longer than she did. You thought you could be stronger than she was but you were just desperate, craving for some hope.
“I- thought you were supposed to be home late?” you asked back, but your wife doesn’t let it slide so easily.
She makes a step forward, you make one back, the sadness in her eyes breaking your heart but you don’t want to risk her safety. You may have regained the control of your body and thoughts but you can still feel It presence.
“You are lying,” she said. It is not a question, it is a statement.
A part of you wants to tell her all the story but you can’t, the words are stuck in you throat. You want to seek comfort in her arms, but you don’t want her to pay the price for your failures.
Everything was just a big mistake.
You are trying to think quickly about an excuse but you can’t find something that could explain what she just saw; you were throwing things and writhing in pain and it is not something you usually do. You can feel that she is angry, and you don’t want to make things worse, knowing how your wife can be when it comes at people she cares about.
“Do you want one?” you asked, talking about the cookies you made this morning. You completely ignored what she just said, trying to change the subject.
If you are terrified about the shadow growing in you, it is not because you don’t want to die. You always knew the grim reaper would come for you sooner than for the rest of the humanity, you accepted that idea a long time ago.
No, if you are scared of something, it is that you could hurt the people you love, that you could make them suffer. You don’t want any of them to know a similar situation to yours so you made it your secret. The only person knowing was your mother, but she took it in her grave.
You thought you could be stronger than the Beast, you thought you had more time but living with the Avengers may be the best thing that happened in your life, it is also rude some days. The negative thoughts and feelings made It stronger, day by day, until It slowly started to take the control of your mind.
Once, you tried to end it. It was before you joined the Avengers, when you were at your lowest and thought you weren’t strong enough to fight it.
But the Beast didn't allow it.
It never allowed it, always finding a way to prevent you from killing yourself. It doesn’t want to looe the human body it is living in too soon, not before its time to rise and live fully came. The only solution is someone else to do it, something you always refused to do.
The memories of your mother’s death playing in your nightmares every night. Even after so many years, you could still perfectly see the inanimate body and the blood, you could still feel the fear and sadness of that night, your hand shaking as if you were still holding the gun that killed her.
After she had died, you hated her for a lot of reasons and you started blaming everything wrong in your life on her because you didn't understand yet.
Why having a child if it means you won't see them growing?
Why having a child if it means they will be cursed too?
You also hated yourself a lot. It was a long journey to make peace with what happened, and you are not even there yet. Sometimes, you wonder if you made the right choice, what if? You spent nights exploring alternative universes where things happened differently but you know it will never be your reality because you can’t change the past.
“Love,” she sighed. She is so close now that you can feel her hands on your hips and her breath on your neck as she rests her head on your shoulder. You wish this moment lasts forever. “You know you can talk to me, right?” she added, not falling for your distraction.
But you eventually met the redhead and understood your mom. Suddenly, everything you thought you would never know was right in front of you, love and dreams.The house on the campaign, the marriage, the family, the cats,... you knew it was selfish, but for a few years, you forgot about the curse. It was barely here anyway, It presence being so little that you thought to think that maybe it was gone and it wasn't as deep as you thought it was.
But history is repeating itself.
The last year had been a descent into hell. You thought you had more time to spend with your wife, but It decided its hour of glory had come and you don’t know for how long you will be able to keep It away, neither you want to discover what would happen if it eventually comes into this world.
It happened, once, would tell your mother. It is a terrible story, the only one she would tell you before going to bed, it gave you nightmares. It is the story of a person that thought they were better than everyone else. The story of a person that refused the death to embrace the Beast, thinking they could control it.
They couldn’t.
No one can stop the Beast. Once its rise accomplished, it is like a shadow. Impossible to catch but lethal for anyone who crosses its path.
As a kid, you would promise her that you would do everything you could to save her, not wanting your mom to know the same fate as your ancestor. You fulfilled this promise, just not the way you thought you would, death being the only solution against the Beast.
Kill It before it is too late.
Your mom always knew, but you are not as wise as she was. You are greedy, you have hopes and you acted stupid and selfish. Even what happened to your mom, even after all those years hating that woman, you thought you were better than the world, that you will be stronger, leaving no chance to It. Days after days, you ignored the pain, the absences, even the marks that sometimes appeared on your body, blaming it on your job as an excuse.
“It is here,” you whispered, the last thing you saw being Natasha’s confused expression, you don’t even hear her as she asked you who you are talking about.
She is going to learn quickly.
When you regain consciousness, you are pinned on the ground by the redhead. She knows you are back because something changed in your eyes. She is bleeding. It is the first thing you notice, not even caring about your pain. Her grip loosens a bit, if it doesn’t allow you to get up, you can glance around. The common room is devastated, broken glasses on the floor and overturned furnitures. This vision brings tears into your eyes.
It is the result of your mistakes, of your selfishness.
Maybe you are not the one who did that, your mind not even remembering what happened but you are responsible for that. If you told them earlier, not fearing they would reject you, maybe you could have found a solution. If you didn’t fall for a fantasy of a family, you wouldn’t have put the one you love in such a dangerous situation.
When you look at her, you see how she seems to hesitate, shared between the part of her that loves you and the logical one.
“Do it,” you command her in a quiet voice, it is almost a begging, “before it is too late,” all your muscles suddenly contract, It is not far and you don’t know if you’ll come back this time.
“Do what?” she asked back but you know she understood, you can read it in her eyes, the pain. She is about to add something but you already know what words are going to come out of her mouth.
“There is nothing you can do,” you said, “it is the curse.”
Her eyes widened at those words because she immediately knew what you were talking about. You told her this story a lot of time but never said a word about you being the cursed one. You were so scared she would leave you if she knew that you kept it for yourself. She probably thought it was one of your weird obsessions for creepy legends. You talked a lot about it, at night, making theories and plans, you were serious but, for her, it was nothing more than a fun talk. She never believed in that kind of stories until today.
“I love you,” you managed to whisper before darkness envelops you again, and you are sure you heard her whispering it back, it brings you a bit of peace.
If only you told them earlier, if you only you hadn’t been so selfish.