It has been a year. Twelve months, fifty-two weeks, three hundred sixty-five days. In other words, it has been an eternity. The thought of all the time that has passed makes you sick. Even after a year the pain is still the same, the people that told you it will eventually fade were a bunch of liars. You hate them because you are going through every day thinking the next one will be different but it is not, the urge to cry, scream, throw up and destroy everything around you never disappeared. At best, it fades during the good days.
However, this feeling always comes back. You don’t even know how you survived this year without her by your side. She has been your whole world since the first time you met. At the time, you agreed to join the Avengers only so you don’t have to leave her - you regret that decision now, convinced that she died because of them.
You were supposed to be a family but the team fell apart on the first difficulties and doesn’t even exist anymore. After they saved the world, bringing back the missing population, the members that weren’t dead decided to leave.
They said they needed some personal time, which you understand, but never told you for how long. It has already been a year and none of them checked up on you or replied to your attempt to get in touch, you can’t help but feel abandoned.
Since you have been back, being at the compound never felt the same anymore. This place no longer felt like home, it was just an empty building, full of ghosts and memories. After a few weeks you decided to move out, unable to stay here for one more day.
New city, new start, new life.
At least, you were hoping it would be that easy but it wasn’t. At first, you didn’t know where to go but you eventually decided to move to a small town in Ohio. She was your only family, you couldn’t imagine being far from her. Even if the only thing left is a stone with her name engraved on it, not even a body, you still wanted to be as close as you could.
The way everything happened made your grief journey harder. The worst is that you didn’t even get to say goodbye. Every time you think about it you can feel how your stomach twists. The last time you saw her, you were oblivious she would be dead the next one.
As half of the population, you disappeared for five years because of Thanos. Five years for the one who stayed but it felt like a few seconds to you, barely the time to blink but yet you missed so much.
You are blaming yourself for that. Even now, you are convinced that things would have gone a different way if you were here, that you could have done something. It probably wouldn’t have changed a thing, Natasha being stubborn, but being angry and denial is your way to deal with the pain of a loss.
Whenever you can, you are paying a visit to her gravestone. Sometimes, you would stay for a few days, refusing to leave : how could you when you know that she died alone ? Most of her life she thought she was alone, she didn’t deserve to die like that. So, now that she is gone, you are doing everything you can to make up for that, to let her know that you will always be here.
You firmly believe that, wherever she is right now, she is looking at you and knows what you are doing, you need to believe that she can hear and see you because it means you are not alone. Even death can’t separate two persons.
That is why you have prepared this visit for days, wanting everything to be absolutely perfect for your lover. You prepared a whole picnic, everything being homemade, and decided to wear one the last outfit you bought together, a classy dress. You even braided your hair for the occasion. That is why your hairstyle is looking like a mess, it has never been your thing, Natasha usually being the one to do it.
Some people would find it weird to celebrate her death date but it is really important to you. Painfull, for sure, but still important. That day, a year ago, she sacrified her life for the world and she deserves some gratitude. You feel like too many people don’t even know she is the one that saved them, the rest refusing to acknowledge what she did just because of her past. Even your former teammates don’t bother to care.
So you decided to pay her a visit so you can celebrate her actions like the world should have. However, it doesn’t make you less angry or hateful against the whole world.
You check your bag one more time to make sure you didn’t forget anything. You are feeling a bit stressed because you really want everything to be perfect. After that last glance, you secure it at the back of your bike, ready to go.
Her gravestone is only thirty minutes from where you live. As you are lost in your thoughts, the journey felt like a few seconds.
You realize you are almost at your destination when you enter the forest. Natasha’s grave is not in a cemetery but in a lovely clearing. As there was no body to bury, you were able to place it wherever you wanted. You spent days and nights thinking about the perfect place to eventually choose this one. It is in a lovely clearing in Ohio, a quiet and hidden place. Only a few people know her grave is here, she didn’t have a lot of family.
You leave your bike against a tree on the roadside.
After a few minutes walk, you arrive at the clearing. You know she would have loved that place. A smile on your face, you take your time to settle everything around the grave. You brought a blanket, to sit in, a lot of food and even a speaker so you can play music. It feels the silence, making things less awkward for you.
Obviously, you didn’t forget to bring a gift and some flowers. This time, you choose roses because they have always remembered you of her : they sting but yet are so delicate and gracious. She used to mock you for that, never answering your “ if you were a flower, which one would you be ? ” kind of questions. So you had to figure out the answers by your own.
However, you know that, deep down, she was enjoying it. She would stay for hours, listening to your explanations about why she would be that drink rather than another one, with a faint smile on her face. She was just too stubborn to admit it.
The thought of the past makes a sad smile appear on your face as you are replacing the old flowers with the roses you brought.
“ I- ” once you have settled in, sitting on the blanket with the food out of the bags, you start talking. Except that, once again, you don’t know where to start. “ I made peanut butter sandwiches, … more than the last time. ”
Those are her favourites. She has always refused to share hers but, sometimes, she would make some for you so you had a snack when you came back from a mission.
Now, you have to do them by yourself and it doesn’t taste the same, it doesn’t taste love. Yet, you still ended up eating the dozen you made last time you visited. In your defense, you were crying and it is the only thing that could bring you some comfort.
However, you are still feeling bad for not leaving at least one for her so you decided to make some more this time. A lot more if you are being honest.
“ Anyway, what can I say … ” you are thinking out loud. It is your thing, coming here and telling her everything that is going on in your life.
Sometimes, you even come here just to share with her something that happened during your day. A bad or a good story, it doesn’t matter, you would come here immediately without considering what time it is when the urge to talk to her hits you.
Once, you pedaled here in the middle of the night. It was creepy, if you are being honest, so you didn’t do it ever again. Plus, you are sure Natasha wouldn’t appreciate it.
“ I have found a new job. I am a cashier now and it is going well for the moment, I didn’t throw anything at a client yet ” you say, feeling proud about that fact.
A few months ago, you were fired from your job as a waitress for that reason. You definitely don’t have the patience or the tact required by that kind of work.
“ Even if the clients are really annoying. It is frustrating, you know ? I am being yelled at all day, talked like shit and insulted but I don’t even have the right to be rude ” you stop talking for a few seconds, taking a deep breath - you won’t let the anger you feel towards these people ruin this moment. “ I liked it better when we were kicking bad guys’ asses. ”
You are thinking about this part of your life with nostalgia. You never had a normal job. When you were seventeen, you dropped out of high school so you could join the army. Somehow, mainly because of your curiosity, you ended up in some dirty stories - that is how the S.H.I.E.L.D noticed you, offering you to become one of their agents.
It is only a few years ago that you made the decision to leave the agency to be a part of the Avengers. It was a difficult choice to make but you did it because you wanted to follow Natasha, even a few years ago, you already couldn’t imagine living far from her.
The two of you met when she joined the agency. As you, when you became an agent, she was lonely. Everyone was avoiding her because of the rumors about her past. You immediately thought it was unfair - if Fury thinks she has a place here, then you can trust her for sure. Plus you knew how it feels to be in that situation.
So you decided to step up, being the first and only one that has tried to talk to her the first years. You never left her side since, always defending her when the others were talking dirt behind her back - which got you into a lot of trouble.
All that stuff, being a cashier or a waitress, is not something you are used to, you don’t think you are cut out for this kind of work. If you are being honest with yourself, you hate those jobs, you are just not ready to go back working for Fury.
When you came back, he let you know that there will always be a place for you as a S.H.I.E.L.D agent, you thanked him but said no. For the moment, you just want to give a try to those normal jobs, even if fitting in is harder than you thought, being undercover having nothing in common with living it for real.
“ I also decided to eventually repair the broken things in my apartment. So far, I’ve fixed the front door, the fridge and the light in the living room. I think it is a good start, don’t you ? ” you wait a few seconds for an answer but, obviously, the only one you get is the silence. You eventually chuckle. “ I still hate that place tho’ ” and since you moved in, you can’t wait for the day you will be able to afford a better place.
But for now you are stuck in that small, dilapidated and cold apartment, trying to convince yourself that it could be worse.
“ Anyway, I am here because I have a little something for you … ” you start, trying to not smile too hard. You take the present out of the bag, it is something in a dark blue box of the size of your hands. “ Ready ? ” you ask but it is more for you this time. You take a deep breath before you resume. “ Natasha Romanoff, for saving the world for so many years, for sacrificing your life for the sake of Humanity and, most important, for ... being the love of my life ... I have the honor to give you a medail ” your acting broke on the last sentence, the fake enthusiasm being replaced by sadness.
Once you are done with your little speech, you carefully put the medail on the grave, with the flowers and the other presents.
It is not a real medail, you asked someone to make it. It is supposed to be a replacement for the one the government refused to give her, even if she deserved it. Her name on a wall is the only thing she got from them.
“ But don’t think it means I forgive you. It was very stupid, but yet very … you … to sacrifice yourself for us. You always thought you had a redemption to earn ” you stop talking, trying to hold back your tears. “ And maybe it was true that people never trusted you but I did. I trusted you and you left me like that. I didn’t even get to say goodbye or … or … to give you a last hug. I- I blinked and, just like that, you were … gone, forever ” your voice is shaking, the last sentence being noticed more than a whisper. As tears are running down your cheeks, you still find the strength to add one more thing. “ I will never forgive you ” you say in a quiet voice.
You weren’t ready to lose her, you had plans for your future together. You were supposed to buy a lovely home and found a happy family. She shouldn’t have died before you could live your life together, before you had your happy ending. Only age should have taken her away from you, except that she decided otherwise.
She has always been so stubborn and so hard on herself because of the things she did in the past. You truly believe that, if someone deserved a peaceful life, it is her but it is too late now that she is gone. The idea that you never had a chance to show her how sweet life can be is making you sick, you should have convinced her to leave earlier.
When you came back from the dust, you were alone and lost. Not only did you need to accept that five years of your life have been stolen but you also had to learn how to live without the woman you love. It is the hardest thing you ever had to do in your life. “ But … I love you so much, my idiot ” you eventually whisper. “ I just wish you were still here to hear that … ”