Youth

Fifteen minutes into the trip Yelena spoke up drowsily “Is daddy gonna come on the adventure too?”

Melina almost laughed at how late her youngest noticed the three hundred pound man’s absence, but stopped herself when she saw Natasha’s eyes squeezed shut “No Yelena, just me you, and Nattie, is that okay?”

Yelena let out a half-squeal, half-yawn, lazily kicking her feet against the faux leather seats “That's my favorite type of adventure! Papa always makes fun things not fun anymore.”

Melina heard Natasha release a barely audible breath in relief, making her move her hand from the steering wheel to Natasha’s balled-up hand, holding it in reassurance.

“How about you try to sleep a bit girls, it’s still dark out and I don’t want to stop for a while.” She directed her words more toward Yelena than Natasha, hoping the prompt would get her youngest to stop fighting the effects of the medication. 

“Can you play my song mama?”

Melina nodded, Natasha already opening the glovebox to grab the CD with ‘American Pie’ burned onto it. Yelena only got five minutes into the song before she was out cold, leaving a very obviously angry Natasha to glare at her.

She batted Melina’s hand off her own “What are we doing Melina, why did you drug Yelena?”

Melina’s heart sank hearing Natasha call her by her name instead of Mama “Because she’ll get carsick Natasha-”

Natasha slammed her hand on the dashboard, speaking through clenched teeth “Bullshit! Don’t lie to me, Melina! I’ll kill you if you try to hurt her! Are you going to drug me too?”

Melina caught her hand just before it hit the dash again, expression alight and panicked.

“Natasha, do not wake your sister! I will not have you making threats with her in the car. Use your words, not your fists.”

Natasha snatched her hand away and sat back in her seat, features smoothed out into something more neutral on instinct. “Then stop treating me like a dumb child and tell me what’s going on!”

Melina took a deep sigh, Natasha had never quite broken the habit of jumping to conclusions when she was afraid. She had gotten much better when she realized that she could just ask her and get a straight answer instead, Melina had promised she wouldn’t lie to her. 

 “I’m not lying sweet girl you just didn’t let me finish, yes part of it is so she won’t get carsick, the other part is that I know you have questions, and we both know I can’t answer them in front of Yelena yet.”

She would one day, but today was not the day to reveal to Yelena that her entire life in Ohio was a lie.

Natasha just stared out the window “Where are we going?”

“As far from here as we can get in a day, then a motel.”

“Why are you taking us now?”

Melina’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. “I collected the last piece of information I needed two nights ago, our mission is complete.”

Natasha suddenly turned pale, expression sobering “They were gonna take us back?”

Melina nodded solemnly “Yes love, most likely sometime this morning before Shield caught on to us.”

“How…how long have you known?”

“Alexei mentioned going home a few weeks ago.”

Natasha’s chest started to rise and fall rapidly, “You’ve known for weeks and you didn’t tell me? You were just gonna let Yelena and I think everything was fine! What if something happened to you? I wouldn’t have been prepared, Alexei would’ve taken us back and I wouldn’t have been prepared!”

Melina put a hand on her daughter's back, keeping it there even when Natasha tried to limply shrug it off. “Calm down sweet girl, I cannot talk to you while you panic, take a breath in and hold it for a few seconds, I’ll count.”

If their time wasn’t limited as it was she would have stopped the car and pulled Natasha into her lap to calm down, but it was, and she needed to prioritize getting as much distance between them and Ohio over their comfort. 

Even if being unable to soothe her daughter made her feel like she was crawling out of her skin.

“But-” 

Melina gently shushed her “No, no talking, my little duck, just breathe, in for three then out for three, remember?”

She read a book about breathing techniques during one of the first few months in Ohio after Natasha had her first panic attack in school. She absorbed the information and applied them to her daughter, having learned that deep breaths, soft voices and pressured holds can help children to calm down, using them almost religiously with her eldest.

Melina started to count and continued until her daughter was no longer hyperventilating, although she was visibly still scared and shaking even when her breathing evened out. 

“I didn’t tell you, you would have gotten scared and I wanted you to stay calm while I planned.” She quickly shushed Natasha again when she weakly opened her mouth to protest her use of the word scared “That was not an insult, you are still a child, a very capable child, but a child nonetheless. Those emotions are normal and healthy in a situation like this..”

When Natasha remained silent she spoke up again “I am your Mama, Natasha, I didn’t want you to worry about being taken back, I wanted you to be able to be little and happy as long as I could let you.”

Melina picked up a disc that lay in the center console, one of Natasha’s favorite bands, and put it in the player. She remembered Natasha’s begging for the CD on her last birthday after her friends introduced her to their music, using the excuse that it would ‘help her blend in better’.

 Melina ended up taking off work early a few days later and checked Natasha out to go to a music store near her school to get it. Alexei yelled at her for hours about the school she missed but the look on Natasha’s face was more than worth the bruises she got for it.

When the music started to fill the car Natasha leaned her head against the window and stared down at her hands, panic finally dissipating from her body. “Did you kill Alexei?”

Melina sighed, turning down the volume on the radio just enough to hear her voice better “No.”

Despite the burning rage she felt whenever she thought of that pig-headed Neanderthal of a man, she had managed to keep him alive when she chained him up in the basement, although she made sure he would wake up in pain and covered in bruises just like the ones he left on her and her girls.

“Why not?” Natasha’s tone wasn’t accusatory, it was more curious than anything

“It buys us more time, if I killed him then he wouldn’t be able to give the general regular updates.”

Her daughter’s shoulders tensed up “But that means he can tell the general we’re gone?”

Melina shakily inhaled; she weighed all the different risks against each other many times before deciding that leaving him alive would buy the most time. “Alexei may be big and strong sweet girl, but he is thick-headed and prideful before anything else. He will try to find us by himself before he will tell the general that he lost all three of his female charges. He’ll pretend like everything is fine for as long as he can.”

Natasha’s shoulders slunk back down “Oh.” 

Melina turned to look her in the eyes “I would have killed him, Natasha, if I thought it was the best option, You have no idea how much I wanted to kill him for ever having laid hands on you and Yelena. I almost did before I woke you up.”

Last night, when she had finally dragged his barely conscious body close enough to the basement door, she opened it and unceremoniously pushed him down the steps, letting gravity do the brunt of the work for her. On top of the injuries he received from the fall, she broke his left ankle in a few places, snapped his wrist, and even cracked three of his ribs for good measure. And even that didn’t feel like nearly enough of the penance he was owed.

“Really?” although Natasha tried not to show it, she could hear a glint of something hopeful in her voice

“Yes Natasha, you and your sister are my daughters, even after the mission ends. I will do everything in my power to make sure you two will never return home. I am sorry I lied to you Natasha, and I’m sorry I gave your sister that pill, but I need to keep you safe and that was the  best way to do it.”

 Natasha brought the drawstring on her hoodie up to her mouth absentmindedly, twiddling her fingers nervously on her thighs.

“I’m sorry too, I…I know you wouldn’t hurt us… I just…” Natasha’s words piddled out, dying in her throat while she tried to think of the right ones to say

Melina picked up where she left off knowing what the words she still had trouble admitting out loud were “You were scared, I woke you up in the middle of the night and didn’t tell you why, I am not angry at your reaction love, nor am I angry at you. I am proud of you for protecting yourself and your sister, you were very brave. Do you want to keep talking or would you rather just listen to your music?”

Melina always tried her best to get her girls to work through their feelings verbally, explain their anger or sadness so she could try to prevent what caused it from happening again. Yelena was always eager to share what upset her, but Natasha always had a harder time articulating why she felt the way she did.

That being said, she also tried to give her daughters (specifically, Natasha) an out in conversations like these. Going off her own experience, talking about such strong feelings for too long was overwhelming and often just made things much worse, and that was not the purpose of the conversations.

But, to her surprise, Natasha chose the former option “I don’t know why I was scared Mama, I… I was okay until you gave Yelena that pill, and then all I could think was that you were taking us somewhere bad since you wouldn’t tell us where. They would do that to girls at home sometimes and they wouldn’t come back.”

Melina nodded in understanding, given her own experience with being drugged she also had reservations about giving Yelena the medication. But it solved two problems at the same time, Yelena’s persistent carsickness and Natasha’s oncoming questions.

Natasha continued, eyebrows furrowed in thought “I know that she’s taken them before so she wouldn’t get sick, and I know you wouldn’t hurt us on purpose, but I knew what we were doing then and I think that helped me not think we were being taken away.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, sweet girl, I just needed us to get out of there before Alexei woke up or someone at Shield came for us, I promise that I was going to tell you as soon as I was able to.”

“It's not really that I’m mad about, I wish you’d have told me before we had to leave, I don’t like that you kept it from me. I want to be ready for things like that. ”

Even though Melina already knew the answer to the question she still asked it so Natasha would be able to speak it aloud “I’m sorry duck, what would you like me to do in the future?”

Natasha worried her lip “Warn me about big things, you don’t have to tell me everything, just things that affect me and Yelena. I want to be prepared to protect her if I have to.”

“Okay sweetheart, I will try my best not to keep things like that from you, I shouldn’t have done so this time. Sometimes I forget that you’re as wise as you are, you’re my baby and I sometimes want to shield you from the world. Do you have any other questions?”

“Are you gonna tell Yelena?”

“Not all of it, enough for her to know that Alexei is dangerous. He will look for us and on the off chance he catches up to us I don’t want her to trust him.”

“When?”

“I don’t know, soon.”

Natasha hummed in thought “You said we're going to a motel, where will we go after that?”

“That’s a bit more complicated, we have a few options, but I think the best one we have is a bigger city we can get lost in for a while.”

Natasha’s eyes lit up “Like New York?”

After they had watched a movie about it, both her daughters had become a bit obsessed with the idea of visiting New York City. The big penthouses and flashy billboards, the Statue of Liberty, and the ferries on the Hudson River. They had begged Melina to tell them all the things she knew about it from a mission she had there a bit before she was assigned to Ohio, even when Melina told them it wasn’t as glamorous in person as it was in the movies they weren’t dissuaded in the slightest.

Melina smiled “Sure, like New York City, but that’s for us to decide later. If you don’t have any more questions, how about you sleep a bit, I will have to think on about before I make a decision.”

Natasha nodded, eyelids already starting to droop “Can I sit in the back with Yelena? I’m sorry, It’s not because I’m still mad-”

Melina nodded “Of course sweetheart, I was going to make you sit back there anyway. There's a few blankets on the floor, I’ll turn the air up.”

Melina knew exactly why she wanted to sit back with Yelena, the same reason she would sneak out of her bed in the middle of the night to gather her girls in Natasha’s room for a ‘sleepover’ after Alexei had left a litany of purple and red marks on her torso, she needed to make sure they were safe. 

Natasha unbuckled herself and crawled over the seat and into the back, grabbing the blankets on the floor and wrapping them around her and Yelena, curling next her carseat as much as she could without sitting on it with her. 

She yawned “Wake me up if something happens?”

“Of course, little bird, get some rest now.”

She drove with the air conditioning up and the radio on for four more hours, ending up somewhere in northern Ohio before either of her girls stirred.

The sun was just peaking through the skyline when Melina finally heard a few little yawns behind her.

“Mommy, I’m hungry.” Yelena sleepily proclaimed from her car seat 

Melina glanced at Natasha who was still fast asleep next to her little sister “Quiet like a mouse, we don’t wanna wake Nattie, my love.”

Yelena’s eyes widened, giggling quietly “I won’t mommy.” She gently patted Natasha's hair “Do we have Pop-tarts?”

Melina rolled her eyes, pulling the bag of snacks from off the floor of the passenger seat, her youngest was nothing if not in love with all things pre-packaged. “Yes we do dove, do you want strawberry?”

Yelena nodded eagerly

She opened the package and grabbed one of the treats “Here you go little dove.” She took the other one for herself since no one else would eat it, while Yelena would eat just about any flavor of the pastries, Natasha only ate the blueberry and cinnamon ones.

“Thanks Mommy! Is the adventure gonna start soon?” Yelena whispered through her chews

“Soon, dove, we have to make a few stops first. Do you want your song?”

“Will you sing it with me?” Yelena asked, focused on biting all the edges of the Pop-tart off so she could save the ‘best parts’ for last. 

“Only if we're both quiet, Nattie needs her sleep.”

“We will be, mommy!” Yelena whispered

Melina reset the disc to Yelena’s and her song came on again “Okay then, you start!” 

By nightfall, they had ended up parked at a motel in the middle of Pennslyvania, and aside from the lone fast-food restaurant and farmhouse, they were square in the middle of nowhere.

“Okay girls, let's go stretch our legs!”

The motel was similarly empty with only one other car parked in the lot, if it weren’t for the flickering bug-covered light near the check-in area, she would’ve thought it had been abandoned.

She unbuckled Yelena from her car seat, eyeing the large grassy courtyard near where she had to check in “How about you girls play out here while I get us a key to our room? You can practice your handstands.”

After sitting in the car all day, only getting out to use the bathroom, her girls, more specifically Yelena, needed to release some energy before bed, she’d probably take them through a few ballet sets before bed just to be thorough.

Yelena's face lit up, grabbing onto Natasha’s hand “Come on Nattie!”

Melina smiled as her daughters darted off “Natasha, be sure to stay where I can see you.” She called out after them.

Natasha nodded, already helping Yelena to flip upside down in an unkempt grassy patch next to their car.

A little bell rang when Melina opened up the door to the front desk, immediately being blasted by a wave of stagnant, not-quite-cold-enough air.

There was a singular attendant sitting at the desk, lazily flipping through one of those trashy magazines she always saw her neighbors reading on their porches in the afternoon.

“Single or double?” The woman asked, not even looking up from her magazine

Melina startled “What?”

“Do you want a single bed or a double?” She repeated gruffly “ Or did you just stop in for directions?”

“Oh…um no, I want a room and a single bed is fine.”

Her girls preferred sharing a bed with her when they could, Yelena would be ecstatic to learn they were having a ‘sleepover’ tonight and she could tell Natasha would need the extra comfort.

The woman grabbed a key from off the side of the wall, reaching out to hand it to Melina “You’re in room seven, it’s fifty bucks a night, plus another seventy-five dollar fee if you mess up the room. Cash or credit?”

Melina pulled out a hundred dollar bill to hand to her “Two nights, do you have extra sheets and towels?”

The woman took the money from her hand and motioned toward a shelf in the corner with stacks of white linens. 

“Thank you.”

She grabbed a few towels and some extra sheets and moved towards the door, noticing how out of place her car looked parked in front of the only motel for miles, spotlighted by the singular buzzing parking lot light. 

The chances of Alexei following their trail and ending up at this motel exactly were so astronomically low it was almost laughable that Melina was even worrying about it.

Nevertheless, she worried.

“Hey, is there um… is there any chance I could park my car behind the building? The locks don’t always work right and I’d hate for someone to try to break in.”

The woman shrugged “Not many people ‘round here to steal from you but go on ahead, knock yourself out.”

“Have a nice night.”

She grunted noncommittally, back to staring at her magazine.

Melina closed the door behind her and ventured back to where her girls were practicing gymnastics on the grass

“Yelena, can you find room seven for me?” She called out to her

Yelena looked up from her backbend “Okay, Mommy!” she dropped to the ground and ran over to find the correctly numbered door.

Melina walked over to where Natasha had also collapsed onto the ground, “Can you help me bring in some of the bags?”

Natasha nodded but didn’t rush to get up like Yelena had. 

Instead, she had a thoughtful look in her eyes, hands brushing against the soft grass as she stared at the slowly darkening sky “Are we really never going back, Mama?”

Melina’s expression became serious as she sat down on the grass next to her “No, I will kill every man in the world before I let you and your sister go back.”

Her brow creased with worry, shakily inhaling “What if he finds us?”

Melina grabbed hold of Natasha’s hand, soothing her thumb over her knuckles “Then I will not rest until I have you back in my arms, little bird. ”

“Do you promise?” Natasha’s voice warbled like she was swallowing down the emotions that threatened to bubble out of her

“I promise, Natasha.”

Natasha suddenly pummeled into Melina’s side, her body shaking with unrestrained sobs “I’m glad you’re my Mama, Melina,” She hiccuped into her torso.

Melina pulled her up and onto her chest, tears pricking into her own eyes “I’m glad you're my daughter, Natasha.”

Suddenly, Yelena came running over to them, collapsing onto Melina’s back “I found number seven Mommy, there's a big flower by the door!”

Melina sat up, Natasha still clinging to her chest “You did? Good job dove! Let's get our bags inside.”

  She carried Natasha inside, Yelena holding onto her hand.

After all their essentials had been brought into the room, she had cleaned the bathroom’s surfaces off with a half-empty bottle of bleach and a cloth, and ran them through a few ballet sets, Melina finally decided it was time to get both girls ready for bed.

“Okay, bath time, Natasha you go first, all the soap and toiletries are in the green bag with the butterflies on it. I’m going to go park the car behind the building.” 

Natasha nodded, taking one of the towels Melina had left on the dresser and grabbing the shower bag off the floor.

After Natasha shut the door behind her she snuck over to Yelena who was rooting through her bag of toys, snatching her off the ground “When I get back it’ll be your turn stink bug!” 

Yelena giggled, squirming in her hold “I’m not a stink bug, mommy!”

“Yes you are, you are the stinkiest bug in the whole wide world! Now don’t go anywhere, I’ll be back in two seconds.”

By the time Melina drove the car behind the building and came back, Natasha was still in the shower.

Neither of her girls had gotten the chance to bathe the night prior, she had sent them outside as soon as she was back from work, and by the time it was close to bedtime, Alexei was already acting like quite the mean drunk. 

If she had let the girls bathe he would’ve gone on and on about how they were wasting water, how the water bill would be higher than his salary like he was the one paying for it, as if he didn’t spend more on alcohol in a week than the amount their water bill was in a month. 

Melina pulled Yelena onto her lap, the girl engrossed in a roll of stickers she had gotten in a Happy Meal earlier for lunch “Do you want me to do your hair, Natasha?”

Her eldest nodded, sitting down next to Melina on the bed still wrapped in a fluffy white towel.

“Two braids or one?”

Natasha held up one finger, letting Melina run a brush through the faded blue strands 

She couldn’t ever forget the longing look Natasha had on her face when she saw the little blue box of hair dye on a shelf at the drugstore. It was like a siren's call to her daughter, Melina didn’t even say anything, just slid it onto the counter next to the other purchases. The reason why she wanted it had remained unspoken between them, an act of individualism before her identity was stripped from her, one last chance to stand out.

“The blue is starting to fade, do you want to dye it again?” Melina mused

She shook her head “Not yet.”

“Alright, then duck. You’re all done. Get into your pajamas.” She pointed to the pair of sleep shorts and a T-shirt laid out on the dinky little dresser. “I’m going to wash up, Yelena.”

She carried Yelena into the bathroom and sat her on the lidded toilet, little feet swinging in the air “How long is the adventure gonna take, mommy?”

Melina turned the faucet on, testing the water with her elbow before putting the tub stop in to let it fill with water.

Melina turned to face her, thinking about her answer before settling on, “A very long time, dove.”

Her head quirked in confusion “Oh. Well, when are we going home?”

Melina sighed, she hadn’t expected these questions to come so soon, she had hoped Yelena would be able to stay ignorant to the danger they were in just a little longer.

But Melina wouldn’t lie to her daughter just to make herself feel better about their situation.

Stumbling a bit before her mouth finally let the words spill from her mouth “We are not going home Yelena, it’s not safe there anymore.”

Yelena’s lip warbled “What?”

Melina glanced back at the water, turning off the faucet when she saw it was at the right volume

“It’s not safe for us to stay, Yelena, Papa wants to take you and Natasha away to a very bad place.” She repeated

Yelena squirmed when Melina lifted her up by her armpits and sat her in the tub, grabbing soap and a washcloth along with her to clean her off.

“But I like our house, if we don’t come home the lampbugs will miss us! I want the adventure to stop!”

Her heart clenched, of course, the thing Yelena was most worried about was the lamp bugs she had been ‘befriending’ all summer.

Melina began to massage shampoo into her hair after years of practice she expertly avoided getting any soap in her eyes “I know my love but we can’t, I’m sure the lamp bugs will understand.”

Yelena’s eyes began to prick with tears “But why, why can’t we go home?”

“I told you dove, it’s just not safe for us there.”

Yelena’s frustrated tears finally fell down her cheeks, suddenly she splashed her curled-up fists in the water, sending it all over Melina “No! I don't want to! I wanna go home!”

Melina grabbed the little fists into her own, using her other hand to lift Yelena’s chin to face her eye-to-eye. Not only was Yelena overtired she was also riddled with pent-up energy from sitting in a car for an entire day

“Yelena look at me, I know you're upset and confused but this is important, I know you are big enough now and I need you to understand me. If we stop the adventure and go back to the house you won’t get to be with me and your sister ever again.”

The little girl stopped in her tracks, gazing at Melina like a deer in headlights “What?”

Melina took a deep breath, reminding herself that this conversation was unavoidable, she didn’t need to know everything, just enough to help her understand. 

“There are bad people at our house, little dove and they want to take you and Natasha away from me and put you in a very terrible place. If we don’t keep going on our adventure then Papa might find us and tell the bad people where we are.”

She soaped up a washcloth and began to wipe her skin, letting the girl process her words

“W-why would Papa do that?”

Melina’s heart clenched at the innocence of her youngest child, how she could not fathom the idea that the man she saw as her father was a bad person, even after all he had done to her.

“Papa- Alexei - is not a good person, Yelena. He hurt us all the time and I won’t let him hurt you or your sister ever again.”

“Is Papa friends with the bad people that want to take us away?”

“Yes, and if he catches us he’ll give us away.”

She sniffled “Is that why he was mean to you and Nattie? Because of the bad people.”

“Yes sweetheart, if we did things he thought the bad people wouldn't like he hurt us. And if he finds us he will try to hurt us again.”

Yelena fiddled her hands in the water, fingers all pruney and waterlogged 

“But if we keep going on our adventure, then I can keep you safe and far away from the bad people. I know it might not be fun and it’s okay to miss our house but we cannot go back.”

“W-what about my school? Next year you said I was big enough to ride my bike with Nattie and we didn’t bring it. And I’m supposed to have big kid lunch with Nattie in the lunchroom.”

Melina sighed in understanding,  “Well you can go to a new school and have big kid lunch with Natasha there. And I can get you a new bike or even a scooter like your friend Lila had.”

Yelena was still frowning, her little mind experiencing too many confusing feelings she couldn’t decipher “Do you promise?”

Melina nodded, “I promise.”

She scooped up some bubbles that had accumulated by the tap, blowing them towards Yelena in hopes of eliciting the giggles that the trick usually did.

The worried pout molded on Yelena’s face faltered with a giggle and she scooped up more bubbles to blow back at her “Okay Mommy, I think I want to keep going on the adventure now.”

Melina smiled, relieved.

She grabbed a towel off the sink counter and scooped her out of the tub “I love you Yelena, now let's get you into your pajamas, I brought your favorites with the pink flowers on them.”

When all three of them had finally been washed and dressed in their pajamas, Melina let them watch Aladdin on their little portable DVD player.

By the time the credits rolled down the screen, Yelena was curled up on top of Melina's chest and Natasha was pressed snuggly against her side, both sound asleep.

Melina shut the DVD player and pressed kisses onto each of her daughters heads.

She could do this.