Nurture/Love
Wade stood in front of the closed bathroom door. He raised a shaking hand to open it, but he just couldn’t make the final connection. The idea of taking a shower terrified him, but he knew it needed to be done.
It had been days since he last bathed himself, and with the current heatwave, the smell was so bad that Althea had left the apartment to stay at a hotel. So, here he was, a grown ass man nearly reduced to tears over a goddamn shower.
“Come on, Darlin’” Logan placed a strong hand on Wade’s back and helped him inside the washroom.
Since Logan moved in, the two of them developed some unspoken rules that never, under any circumstances, were to be broken. The first was never to pry into each other’s past - wait for the information to be freely given. The second was to respect each other’s triggers. And the third was to only ignore a no if avoiding the situation or trigger was causing harm to themselves or the people around them.
“I fucking can’t” Wade's voice shook as he forced the words out “not today.”
“You said that yesterday, Wade.” Logan said gently. He guided Wade over to sit on the edge of the tub then went about preparing the shower. Wade’s favourite body wash and my Melody bath puff were placed within easy reach.
Logan fetched Wade’s favourite body butter and towel, then turned to address the trembling man in a blunt tone “sooner we do this, the sooner it’s over.”
“You stink, too” Wade bit out none too kindly, hoping he could goad Logan into a fight.
“Sure do” Logan held out a hand and helped Wade stand “Ten minutes. No longer. I promise.”
Slowly, but surely, he helped Wade undress and then quickly undressed himself. Once they were both naked he eased Wade into the shower and positioned him facing away from the shower head. Wade stretched both arms out to steady himself against the showers wall.
With his hand on the knob, Logan softly said “gonna turn on the water.”
Logan positioned himself in front of the other man, blocking the majority of the water from hitting him before absolutely necessary. Wade was very thankful for this, but the sound alone and the trickle of water at his feet was enough to mentally send him right back to those terrible days with Francis.
Wade began to tremble and breathe heavily.
Picking up the My Melody bath puff, Logan squeezed a generous amount of the Sugar Fairy body wash onto it, recoiling from the sharp cotton candy smell. Ever so gently, he washed Wade’s back, arm’s, legs and bits, making sure to be as quick and methodical as he could.
Then, using that same disgusting cotton candy mess, he cleaned himself too. He hated seeing Wade like this and his protective and nurturing instincts kicked into overdrive. His only purpose, the only thing he cared about right this moment, was getting his mate through this. And if that meant covering himself in that god awful scent that his mate loved so much, then so be it.
“H-help….” Wade eked out, his mind trapping him in a cruel loop of his time in that airtight chamber. His legs shook and his eyes were wide and unfocused “can’t - can’t - I can’t breathe!”
Logan wrapped his hands around Wade’s soapy body and laid his head on Wade’s shoulder, letting out a soothing melodic coo to help calm him.
The shower’s white noise sounded just like the hiss of the oxygen being slowly sucked out of that chamber until only the bare minimum for his survival remained. Seeing glass where there was only wall, Wade banged his fists against it trying to break it “I can’t get - I can’t get out. I can’t get out!”
Logan covered Wade’s hands with his and maneuvered them so they rested against the latter's chest, “Gonna wash you off, now. Almost done” Logan soothed. Wade squeezed his eyes shut and struggled against Logan’s grip. The sound of the water’s white noise and the feeling of its deluge upon his skin caused his panic to ramp up and soon he was gasping for air again and crying out for help.
A chirp cut through the horrible memory, much like the sun after a rainstorm. It was soothing and lovely. Despite his panic, Wade leaned into Logan’s touch and tried his very best not to bolt. Every time he felt himself falling back into that panic, Logan would chirp again and all would be well.
Finally, the water was turned off. The shower was done.
It took a long moment before Wade finally realized when and where he was. Dripping wet, and without saying a word, Wade stepped out of the shower. He walked toward the door and laid his hand upon it, making no effort to open it. Instead, he laid his head upon it with a soft thud and sank to the floor like dead weight.
Logically, Wade knew that he desperately needed the shower. But emotionally, he felt as if his wants had been completely disregarded and it pissed him off. The worst part of this whole mess was that his anger both was and wasn’t misplaced. Logan had been quick, efficient, and didn’t pry - which he greatly appreciated…sometimes. But he also felt that Logan could’ve been kinder and more patient about the whole situation, which in turn, made him feel like shit.
Althea had once told him that not everyone expresses love the same way. Logan, as Wade had observed, was very much an acts of service kinda guy with a little bit of quality time sprinkled in. Affirmations and lovey dovey shit just wasn’t something he did. But today, Logan had tried his best, and Wade knew that. It just..didn’t feel quite like it was enough.
She had also said that people weren’t mind readers and that you needed to speak up if you wanted something. With a shaky sigh, Wade covered his face with his hands.
Placing his hands on the tub’s edge, Logan bent forward then proceeded to vigorously shake himself dry. He knew first hand just how emotionally and physically exhausting intrusive memories could be, so he wasn’t going to pry.
Once he felt dry enough, Logan grabbed the container of body butter, grabbed Wade by the hand, guided him into the bedroom and sat him down on the edge of the bed. Then he turned away and got changed.
Wade looked at the floor and fiddled with his hands “hey, Lolo, can I ask you something?”
“Of corse” Logan paused and turned around to face Wade.
“You love me, right? I mean, I know you do, but if you could tell me more often, I’d really appreciate that.” Wade anxiously babbled. “Because sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s saying it and it makes me feel like shit.”
Logan was silent. He looked extremely confused and then said, “yes?” tilted his head to the side like a little dog, looked off to the right and narrowed his eyes “have I not been doing that?”
The longer he looked at Logan, the more Wade was reminded of the confused math lady meme.
“We nuzzled n’ kissed, I’ve been submissive to you multiple fucking times, made you nests…” Logan turned back around, opened the drawer and set about choosing an outfit for Wade. He didn’t even sound mad, just very disappointed “left my scent in the apartment n’ covered myself in yours” he sniffed himself and recoiled from the sickly sweet cotton candy scent that lingered, then took the shorts, underwear and shirt and dropped them on Wades lap “n’ I’ve been providing for you n’ Althea. Wade, I’ve been telling you I love you every day.”
Now it was Wade’s turn to feel like the confused math lady meme. Gosh, if he really focused, he could see the equations flying about in every direction “wait wait wait I have so many questions. First of all what do you mean, leaving your scent? You haven’t been rubbing your balls all over the apartment Step Brothers style, have you?”
With a look of absolute disgust Logan ground out “I’m not a deviant, Wade. Don’t be foul! I rub up against the furniture, the walls, n’ sometimes blankets or clothing.” He then said, as if stating the obvious “to mark our territory, Wade.”
Wade nodded in understanding. He unscrewed the lid to the body butter and started liberally applying it all over before getting dressed “and the nests?”
“Sleeping n’ relaxation” He pinched the bridge of his nose, grunted, then let out a sensible chuckle “so that’s why you’ve been dismantling them. God, I’ve been so fuckin’ confused.”
“Althea and I were confused too, you know. You keep the place so clean, so we didn’t really understand why you kept leaving random piles of shit all over the couch and the bed.”
Logan did a double take then repeated very slowly, sounding hurt “random piles of shit?”
Wade scratched the back of his neck and looked at the floor. He sounded extremely frustrated “how the hell did we go from me asking you to say you love me more than once in a blue moon, to me comforting you…again? Look…I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings but right now, this isn’t about you. It’s about what I need.”
Oh. Logan’s brow furrowed and he looked away and that mean little voice in his head whispered in his ear ’you’re such a selfish little parasite’ and it’s dark tendrils of self hatred grasped his heart in it’s hands and squeezed and he did what he always did when he got scared: Logan mentally ran away.
Wade bit out “no! You don’t get to do that!” He stood up, placed his hands on Logan’s arms and shook him a little “you don’t get to mentally walk away from this shit! I need to hear you tell me that you love me. I need affirmations and praise. I want you to tell me that I’m doing a good job, or that you’re proud of me. Because I’m doing the same for you and It really makes me feel like shit when you don’t do the same for me.”
’What a disappointment you are, you little blight. Wade deserves better’ that mean voice hissed. Logan couldn’t help but feel terrible - he truly didn’t mean to make Wade feel this way. Every act of service, every nest; where he thought he was showing love, Wade only saw mess. How had he never noticed?
What else hadn’t he noticed? Did Althea feel the same way as Wade? Did she also not know how much he loved and cared for her? God, why was he like this? Why was he so shit at this whole family thing?
Then his thoughts went back to the Honda Odyssey, as they tended to do when his self loathing ramped up, and those disgusting, hateful words, he said to Wade. God, he really was the worst.
“You’re not even listening to me, are you?” Logan looked up to see Wade giving him a look of such profound disappointment. Before he could turn away and leave the room, Logan grabbed his arm and blurted out, looking as if he might actually cry “M’sorry m’ such a shitty boyfriend. M’sorry ‘m so angry all the time, n’ m’so fucking sorry for what I said to you in the odyssey.”
Wade opened his mouth to respond, but Logan wasn’t done.
“I love you! I love how you’re unapologetically yourself. I love that your spirit burns so bright n' I love hearing you talk. I love your optimism, Wade. You’re smart, n’ skilled, n' so kind…the X-men n' the Avengers would be lucky to have you. M’so fucking lucky to have you.”
“You remembered…” Wade whispered in disbelief. That rant had been eating away at him bit by bit and sometimes he couldn’t help but fear that deep down inside, Logan still saw him as that half-wit looser. To know that not only was he wrong, but that Logan was just as torn up about it as he was, made him want to weep.
Logan let out a sad whine and rubbed his nose against Wade’s “every fucking day, Darlin’.” And Wade did the same. They stood together like that for a long moment before Logan took Wade by the hand and lead him over to his sleeping area. On the floor, next to Wade’s side of the bed, was a pile of blankets and pillows. They were stacked somewhat strategically to create a nest.
Logan looked away and fiddled with his hands “I know its…not much but if you wanted to, you could relax in my nest, n’ Pup’s in there too. If you need em’….” Wade did a double take. That was a huge fucking deal, no one was allowed to touch Pup. He remembered Logan’s earlier words about nests and realized that this was Logan’s way of trying to help him relax.
With a small, tired smile, Wade said “that actually sounds really nice. By the way, Sugar Fairy smells really great on you, Lolo.” then got on his hands and knees and crawled inside.
It was very dark inside of Logan’s nest. Wade ran his hands along the soft material - it was pretty shredded. He picked Pup up and cradled em' against his chest and found, that despite the mild feelings of claustrophobia it brought, it was surprisingly comfortable. He curled up and closed his eyes. Maybe Logan was onto something with this whole nesting thing.