fault
Besides the quiet beeping of Clint’s heartbeat monitor, you had never heard the team this quiet. Natasha grasped Clint’s hand, Wanda held her hand over Vision’s stone, Bucky looked over Steve as his IV drip, and you sat quietly observing the mayor and his wife hugging in each other's arms. Sam had stuck all the Nova operatives in handcuffs and in the belly of the plane. He told you he couldn’t see the team defeated, so he volunteered to stay with the prisoners to watch them. Although the mission was successful, it didn’t feel like it. Half the team was injured, and the man we were supposed to protect had severe blunt-force trauma to his head. You sat up from your seat and walked over to Bruce, who was getting ready to approach the hospital's landing pad.
“What will we do with the hostages?” you asked.
“Sam and I will bring them to Schwalmstadt prison. He already made the call. Everyone else is staying at the hospital,” Bruce spoke sadly.
“Sounds good. Thanks for helping today. You kept the team together,” you said, patting his shoulders. Then you turned to look at Mr. and Mrs. Hilbert, who were still embracing each other. You tapped his wife’s shoulders, turning their attention to you.
“Wir werden bald im Krankenhaus landen. Ihr Mann wird wahrscheinlich in die Notaufnahme gebracht, damit dort seine Wunde untersucht werden kann. (We’ll be landing at the hospital soon. Your husband will likely be taken away to the emergency unit so they can check his wound.)” you spoke in their native tongue. The wife looked at you with eye crinkles from her smile and gave you a big hug. You were initially surprised, but you realized you needed that hug more than anything at that moment.
“Ich danke Ihnen für Ihre Hilfe. (Thank you for your help),” Mrs. Hilbert muttered in your neck, expressing her immense gratitude. You pulled away from her hug and gave her a bright, tight-lipped smile.
“Natürlich. Ich mache es gerne. (Of course. I’m happy to do it.)” You gave her hand a quick squeeze and returned to your original seat next to Bucky.
“Didn’t know you knew German,” Bucky spoke for the first time on the plane ride.
“Widows are trained in every Eastern European language,” you removed your gloves and placed them in your mission bag. “You good?”
“Fine,” Bucky coldly replied. He looked down at his hand, observing a couple of scratches and scuffs on the surface. You wonder if Nova knew about Bucky’s past as Hydra’s weapon of mass destruction.
The jet soon landed on the roof of St. Joseph-Stift Hospital, and you and the others had gotten ready to wheel out the injured. You guided out the Hilberts first, making sure they were completely taken care of. Steve was conscious; however, he was weak and could barely stand up without the help of a railing or Bucky. The doctors rolled him out of the jet and into the hospital. Clint, on the other hand, took the shock badly. He was alive, but Bruce advised for him to stay on the heartbeat monitor just in case his organs begin to shut down. Steve luckily had serum pumping through his blood, making him less vulnerable to attacks such as this, but unfortunately, Clint didn’t have that luxury. With a quick wave to Bruce, bidding him goodbye, you follow the rest of your team into the hospital, where they eventually disappear into the emergency wing of the building.
Vision was set up in the technology wing of the building, and obviously, Wanda followed him there, ensuring his recovery before returning to Tony’s lab for a full workup. You saw how her hand shook with nerves as she linked with the stone embedded in his head. She was rightfully distraught after she found Vision unconscious. He was supposed to be the unbeatable humanoid, yet he barely made it out of the basement alive. She insisted on going alone with Vision, so you honored her wishes, searching for the Hilberts' room within the vast hallways. You observed the subtle silence of the facility, the sounds of doctors’ footsteps beating against the floor, and the muted beeping of medical equipment. You turn to your left to see a couple cuddling on the hospital bed, their arms wrapped around one another and a soft smile on both faces. You always wondered if that life was meant for you. Wanda and Vision, Clint and Laura, Tony and Pepper. Even Natasha and Steve have something going on, but they refuse to tell anyone. Romance was never in the picture for you as an assassin. It was a distraction from the real purpose of your existence. Flirtation was taught as a means to manipulate men to make it easier to eliminate them. You never had time for personal relationships, and if you disobeyed, you would be severely punished for it. Even after you escaped, you learned to find solace in yourself because you were the only person you could rely on. As you continued to walk the halls, you saw Natasha and Bucky conversing in a private waiting room. You were about to walk in when you heard your name being spoken.
“It’s not her fault, Barnes.” Natasha pleaded. You quickly hid out of sight of the room, keeping your ear pressed to the door.
“She should’ve been more prepared. You know this wouldn’t have happened if she had planned this out.”
“This was her first time leading a mission. Give her a break.” They were talking about you. And, of course, Bucky was blaming you.
“She put all of us in danger. If she had done her job correctly, we would be on the plane flying back to New York by now.”
“The mission is complete. That’s all that matters, Bucky.” Natasha defended you. You couldn’t help but believe he was right. The team should've left earlier, and we should’ve gone over the floor plan before going in. It was your fault that three Avengers needed medical attention.
“Whatever. If she wasn’t on the team and Steve had led the mission, he wouldn’t be getting an IV drip right now.” You heard chair legs squeak, then footsteps approaching the door you were currently pressed against. Spinning on your heels, you quickly walk away to find a private room to collect your thoughts. You needed to let your feelings out.
—-
Bucky had seen you walk past the room. He figured you’d gone off to visit the Hilberts instead of your teammates, as per usual. What he had told Nat was only partially true. Yes, the mission could’ve gone better with a more experienced Avenger at the hilt, but what ended up happening was hard to evade anyway. He was mainly upset about how you barely spoke a word to your teammates but were comforting the Hilberts any chance you got. It was clear to him that you didn’t care about the team. The mission would always be more important than the people you did the mission with.
West 347. Steve’s room number. Bucky cracked the door open slightly to reveal Steve sitting upright on the hospital bed with a needle stuck in his hand. Besides a bruise around his cheekbone, he looked okay, which sent relief down Bucky’s spine.
“Hey Buck, are you feeling okay?” Steve asked, concerned.
“Yeah, I just went unconscious. My arm took most of the shock,” Bucky replied, sitting on an armchair by the bed. “You’re the one in a hospital bed. How are you doing?”
“Not bad for being electrocuted. Natasha updated me on the mission earlier. I’m just glad we got it done.” Steve gave Bucky a reassuring smile. Just then, the door sprang open, revealing your solemn eyes and flushed cheeks.
“Oh! S-Sorry for interrupting, just checking on everyone,” you mutter quietly.
“No worries! Thank you for finishing the mission, by the way,” Steve looked into your eyes with a twinge of concern. You gave him a slight nod and left as soon as you came. Bucky watched your form through the window blinds as you headed to Clint’s room down the hall. Of course, you didn’t want ti stay long. You didn’t care.
“Did you check on her? She seems shaken,” Steve turned back to Bucky.
“She’s fine,” Bucky replied flatly. “I’m going to contact Bruce to see what his ETA is. Clint is recovering, Vision is functioning, and you’re good. Which means we can go home.”
“Such a debbie-downer, Buck.”
“What is a ‘debbie-downer’?”
—-
Everyone had noticed you had been off since the team returned to New York from the mission. You were only seen in the training center and the conference rooms, racking your brain to determine what Nova’s end goal would be. The case had consumed you, but you didn’t want out. You needed to find out who was behind the whole operation, or else it would eat you alive, knowing you never got the chance to avenge Clint for something you essentially caused.
Clint hadn’t been cleared for field ops yet, and according to the doctor, it could be months until he’s allowed to shoot an arrow in combat again. Clint was somewhat relieved when receiving the news of his temporary leave. Natasha had told you he’d been considering retirement, and this injury had been a sign that he should start spending more time with his family. That could also be Natasha’s way of making you feel less bad about what happened in Germany a week ago. Of course, Clint’s announcement of his retirement from the team was the cause of a lot of emotions and, in Tony’s eyes, a “re(tower)ment party.”
As much as you wanted to let loose and enjoy a carefree evening, you couldn’t bring yourself to have fun. You had apologized to everyone who was in the basement at least five times, but it didn’t feel like enough. Vision needed to be rebooted, Steve needed a rest day (he never takes rest days), and Clint was retiring. Bucky was ignoring you and giving the cold shoulder, but that was just him. All because you couldn’t lead your team correctly. You didn’t want to admit it, but Bucky was right. If Steve had led the team, the mission would’ve gone off without a hitch. You glanced over at the clock on your nightstand. 7 pm. It was the start of Clint's retirement party. You sat in your desk chair, ready to go through another series of files documenting various Hydra mission ops when you heard a series of soft knocks on your door, then Natasha’s voice calling out your name. Before opening the door, you quickly shoved all your scattered reports into your drawer and Redbulls into the trashcan.
“Whatcha doing?” she asked wearily.
“Nothin much. You look great, by the way,” you eye the woman in front of you up and down. Her red hair was parted to the left, her curls cascading beautifully down her shoulders. Natasha’s chiffon red dress perfectly hugged her curves, accentuating her round curves and muscular build. Stunning was an understatement.
“Ah, thank you, my beautiful. Why aren’t you ready for the party?” She stepped further into your room and walked to your closet.
“Not in the mood to party. I’ll say my goodbye to Clint tomorrow morning,” you sat solemnly on your bed.
“Not the time to be sad. Come on,” She pulled you off your bed. “I know you still feel guilty about the mission, but it’s part of the job. Assignments go wrong all the time, and it’s not your fault. You completed it, and it’s done. Put it in the past.”
“But I can’t, Nat. If it weren’t for you and Wanda, Clint would’ve been… god, I don’t even want to think about it,” you look down at the floor, still reeling from what had happened.
“That’s what teammates are for. And as your teammate, I beg you to get ready and join the party. You need to unwind and have some fun.” Natasha starts rummaging through your clothes. She holds up three cocktail dresses for you to try on, cocking her eyebrow up and enticing you to wear one of her options.
“Fine,” you say as you grab the black dress with a cowl neckline and an asymmetrical cut by your knees with mesh fabric around the hemline. It was classy, sleek, and the perfect dress to blend in with the crowd, you’d hope. “But I’m only doing this because you begged me.”
“That’s my girl.”