How to make a move
Asking out Beatrice should really not be as nerve-wrecking and hard as it turned out to be. They had been texting daily, talking on the phone nearly every night and meeting several times a week for the past weeks now. It was safe to assume that Beatrice wasn’t opposed to maybe going on an official date with Ava, right? Logically Ava knew it. And everyone kept telling her. That didn’t prevent her heart from racing, her palms from sweating and her brain from overthinking though whenever she tried to pluck up the courage to just make a move. Whatever that move might be.
By now she was sure the only thing that might make Beatrice pick up on what Ava was trying so hard and failing so miserably to convey to her, was straight-up declaring her love to her and kiss her senseless. Because she had tried to go the smooth, subtle route by semi-casually asking her out. Which, by itself, had already been nerve-wrecking.
Ava didn’t know how to do dating. She had never actually done the whole romancing and courting thing, had just jumped into one messy and undefined situation after the other. But she had tried. She had called Beatrice and asked her if she wanted to go out with her. She had taken her to especially romantic places. She had even gotten her flowers once, though she had chickened out a bit at Beatrice’s intense stare and had mumbled something about it bringing a bit of colour to Beatrice’s still pretty basic apartment. She had really tried.
But she had quickly realized that Beatrice did not seem to notice the difference. Because, to be fair, there really wasn’t so much of a difference to their meetings before. Because damn, Mary had been right all along: they had been going on dates without calling them dates and making it clear now that the current dates were supposed to be more official, real dates kind of called for more drastic measures.
And that’s where Ava failed so miserably. She didn’t know how to do this. Or rather when to do this. She was the ‘act first, think later’ kind of girl. The ‘kiss drunk in a club’ kind of girl. She would probably also be the ‘kiss because this might be the last time we see each other’ kind of girl. But without the adrenaline rushing through her veins for that boost of courage she started overthinking. Every time she carefully started to create a moment to confess or kiss Beatrice, her brain short-circuited and her body did not cooperate.
Doubts started creeping in. What if Bea wasn’t ready for anything beyond the tentative friendship they were forming right now? What if she would never be ready for more again with her?
But then she would catch Beatrice looking at her across the room at her house warming get together, or feel her hand slowly creep closer to hers underneath the blanket until their fingers brushed together, then touched more purposely and searchingly until they eventually intertwined. She would hear Beatrice whisper the softest “Good night, Ava. Sweet dreams” into her phone and wake up to a sweet good morning text.
And then there was the short, innocent kiss Beatrice had pressed on Ava’s cheek while they were sitting on Beatrice’s new sofa after Ava had had given her the star projector at the beginning of the house warming get together, when no one else had arrived, yet. Ava’s heart had nearly jumped out of her chest and she had turned to Beatrice in surprise. Their faces had been so close and she had nearly kissed Beatrice’s lips then and there. But of course the doorbell had ruined the moment. Ava had barely been able to look at anything but Beatrice’s lips for most part of the evening.
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A couple of days later Camila dragged them out to a dance bar, because she insisted the newbies (she meant Beatrice and Yasmine) had to get to know the best party place in town. Ava had the suspicion she just wanted an excuse to get both girls drunk after she had failed to get either of them to drink more than a bottle of beer or half a glass of wine the last times they met up. Ava had no idea how she managed to convince the two notorious bookworms to even agree to that plan, but she wasn’t going to complain, because by 1 am Beatrice was tipsy and buzzed with adrenaline enough that she let Ava drag her to the dancefloor with very little protest.
They danced and laughed and sang and Ava felt light-headed from both the alcohol rushing through her veins and watching Beatrice being so carefree. She was aware that she was starring unashamedly, but she couldn’t help it. This woman had her completely and utterly spellbound.
They had started out dancing with a safe distance between them, but with each song the distance shrunk. There was increasingly more physical contact – Ava’s hand touching Bea’s upper arm, their hands meeting and squeezing briefly in the vanishing space between them, Bea’s hand cupping Ava’s face for a moment. Finally, when Ava couldn’t take the distance anymore, she gently put her hand on Bea’s hip and pulled her closer until their moving hips touched. A millisecond later their foreheads found each other, both their eyes fell shut and Ava could feel Bea’s hot, stuttering breath on her face. Her heart was pounding so loudly she could barely hear the music anymore. She was sure Beatrice had to feel its desperate rhythm with their bodies pressed flush against each other. Beatrice’s hands found her hips and she dug her fingers into them like they were her only lifeline.
Ava’s trembling hand found Beatrice’s cheek, her forehead pressed harder against Beatrice’s in an attempt to be even closer than they were. They stayed like this for a while, absentmindedly swaying to the music, while drinking each other’s presence in. None of them dared to move, to take the final step, but Ava could feel her resolve crumbling. She just wanted to feel Beatrice’s lips against hers again.
Before she could do something about it though, she could feel Beatrice take in a sharp breath again. “This is a bad idea.” The words were whispered against her lips and made Ava shiver and emit a shaky breath. Her body started tingling all over in anticipation. She had heard these words countless times before. They had always ended the same: with lips pressed urgently and passionately against hers.
Not this time though. Instead there were two hands pressed again her shoulders, pushing her softly, but decidedly away. It took a moment for Ava’s foggy brain to catch up to what was happening. When she opened her eyes, heart pounding and aching, she found Beatrice a couple of feet away, staring at her with an unreadable expression. She mumbled something about needing fresh air, then she turned around, pushed herself through the dancing bodies around them and disappeared in the crowd.
Ava blinked and stood there, watching her leave, her mouth half-open. What had just happened? She blinked again and shook her head again. Only then did her body finally react and her feet started moving, following the woman outside.
She found Beatrice around the corner of the bar, staring at the night sky. As soon as she noticed Ava walking towards her, she sighed, shook her head and looked away to the floor. “This is a bad idea.”, she muttered again.
Ava stopped a couple of feet away from her. “Why?”, she asked, dumbfounded.
Beatrice huffed, looked at her for a second and then started pacing around. “Because it is!”, she insisted, sounding unfamiliarly frustrated and desperate.
“Why?”, Ava whispered again, staring helplessly at Beatrice, who was still moving around restlessly. She stopped at Ava’s question. This time she stilled for longer and crossed her arms defensively in front of her torso.
“Because I don’t want to be your drunk mistake again.”, she answered with a raw edge to her voice. Then added a vulnerable, but just as clear: “I can’t.”
Ava felt her heart stop for a second at the unexpected admission. “What? That’s… That’s not…”, Ava stuttered, but Bea just turned around with a groan, pushing her barely out of place hair back in frustration.
“God, what are we doing?”, she muttered. “What am I doing?”
“Bea…”, Ava tried. She felt lost. She wasn’t sure what exactly was happening here. She was probably also too drunk to connect the dots of why Beatrice seemed so angry and hurt and in agony. “Bea, l…”
She was interrupted by Beatrice again. “Christ, I don’t even know what you want! I don’t even know if that night meant anything to you at all.”, she half-shouted at the sky. Ava just stood there shell-shocked. When Bea looked Ava straight in the eye, her eyes were both vulnerable and angry. “Did that night mean anything to you?”
“What?” She knew that wasn’t the right reaction. But Ava’s brain was still trying to catch up on how on earth Beatrice hadn’t picked up on how crazy she was about her. And how on earth she could even question how Ava felt about that night.
“Christ, I don’t even know how you feel.” Another angry huff. This time she sounded more defeated.
“Bea, listen…”, Ava tried. But Beatrice cut her off with a gesture and look that were so crystal-clear that any words she had wanted to say died on Ava’s tongue. “I can’t do this right now.”, Beatrice whispered. It sounded devastated, but definite.
“Bea…” That seemed to be the only word left on her mind.
“No!”, Bea decided. “Whatever it is you want to say, don’t. Not now. You are drunk. I am drunk. And… I should go home.”
“Bea, please.”
“No.”, Beatrice repeated. “I can’t do this right now, Ava. I need some time and space.” She hesitated, her eyes holding Ava’s for a moment. “I’m sorry.”, she added. Then she turned around and left, leaving Ava standing there broken-hearted.
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Ava didn’t know how long she had been sitting on the stone wall next to the bar, staring into the dark, when her phone vibrated. She quickly got it out, hoping it was Beatrice, but instead it was a message from Camila.
Camila (2.24am): Hey, where are you? Are you ok?
Ava sighed and swallowed down the shaky sob threatening to escape her throat.
Ava (2.26am): I am outside. I think I am going home now.
Camila (2.27am): Okay, wait where you are. I am getting your stuff and calling you a cab.
It was suspicious that Camila didn’t put up a fight to get her to stay, but Ava was too numb and tired to really think about it. Or to argue that she could also call a cab herself. Instead she just kept sitting there, still feeling unable to process what had just happened.
When she heard footsteps approaching, she expected to see Camila. But instead, it was Lilith, who approached her with her trademark stony facial expression perfectly in place. She handed Ava her bag and coat.
“Where is Camila?”, Ava asked.
“Talking to Beatrice.”, Lilith replied without hesitation. Ava nearly laughed at her dryness. Never one to beat around the bush, Lilith.
“She texted her what happened.”, Lilith specified a few seconds later, like that would make any of Ava’s pain better. Ava was tempted to ask what exactly Beatrice had texted, because to be honest, she wasn’t quite sure what had happened herself. But she didn’t.
Instead she sighed and muttered a defeated: “So you know.”
“Yeah. At least the basics.”, Lilith confirmed. “I mean, Camila is talking to her right now. She sent me out here to make sure you don’t do anything stupid.” She gave Ava a short once-over, as if checking whether Ava had anything planned that might jeopardize her mission. Ava let out an emotionless laugh. “Yeah, don’t worry. Not gonna make a runner. Just waiting for that taxi to take me home.”, she sarcastically answered.
Lilith just nodded, but remained silent. Ava internally groaned. She hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone before, but now that she had company, she really wished it wasn’t Lilith of all people. Not exactly the person you want by your side when feeling like pouring your heart out.
Her desperation won out over her sense of self-preservation in the end though, because after a minute of silence and Lilith watching her like a guard dog, Ava muttered out a hurt: “Should have known that she wouldn’t want me anymore.”
She heard Lilith clear her throat audibly and when she looked up at Camila’s wife, she seemed highly uncomfortable and slightly annoyed. “What are you talking about, Silva?”
Ava huffed. “I mean, of course she wouldn’t want to be with me.”, she went on. “I really fucked it up last time.”
Lilith shrugged. “I mean, yeah, can’t argue with that.”, she dryly stated, but then added with an eyeroll: “But you can’t seriously think that Beatrice doesn’t want you, right?” Then, to Ava’s surprise, Lilith actually walked closer and sat down next to her on the wall, though at a safe distance of at least two feet.
Ava sighed again. “I didn’t say that she doesn’t want me.”, she mumbled. “I said that she doesn’t want to bewith me. There’s a difference. I should know.”
“Come on, this is Beatrice we are talking about here.”, Lilith replied. “She isn’t exactly the casual flirting and hook-up kind of girl.” She paused, huffed again, and then added: “And I mean, that girl is hopeless. She has had a crush on you since first year of university.”
She said it in a flat, sarcastic voice and with an annoyed shrug, clearly unaware how she had just made Ava’s heart skip a beat. “She… what?”, Ava whispered and stared at Lilith in shock.
That’s when realization seemed to settle in with Lilith, whose eyes widened. “Fuck.”, she cursed in an alarmed voice. “Don’t tell Camila I told you that!” Ava would have laughed about how much of a simp Lilith was for Camila had she not been so utterly heartbroken.
“That doesn’t mean she still wants me now. I mean, why would she want to be with me anyways?”, she sighed with slumped shoulders.
“How would I know, Silva?”, Lilith groaned, but then added a little bit softer: “I just know that she does.” She sounded sincere and it did make Ava’s heart flutter hopefully. But she still didn’t understand.
“Then why did she reject me?”, Ava asked her.
Lilith let out a defeated sigh, like she had just accepted the worst fate to ever imagine, and finally turned towards Ava with a stern expression. “Because you are drunk, Ava.”, she said pointedly. “You barely make good decision when you are sober.” Ouch. “You tend to make decisions that are questionable at best when you are drunk. Last time you two made out drunk you broke her heart. Obviously she is not going to take that risk again. She isn’t stupid.”
Ava let the words sink in for a moment. “She said this is a bad idea…”, she meekly admitted.
Lilith let out a toneless laugh. “Trying to start something serious by making out drunk IS a bad idea.”
“Yeah, but…”, Ava started, but Lilith interrupted her with a burning glare: “Did you want this to be a bad idea?”
“What? No!”
“Good, because obviously neither does she.”, Lilith explained in frustration. “You are just too drunk and stubborn to see that she just doesn’t want this to be one of your stupid drunk impulsive decisions again.”
“It isn’t!”, Ava was quick to make clear.
Lilith rose her eyebrows. “Does she know that?”, she asked slowly.
Ava fell silent at that. Did Beatrice know that? “She said she doesn’t want to be a drunk mistake again.”, she confessed.
“Ah.”
“And that she doesn’t know what I am feeling.”, she then added with a sigh.
Lilith nodded. “Well, there you have your answer then.”
Ava groaned and lay her head in her neck to stare at the night sky again, taking a deep breath. “Not going to ask me what it is that I’m feeling?”, she muttered.
“God, no!”, was Lilith’s immediate answer. When Ava looked at her, Lilith had such a face of disgust, that it actually made Ava laugh for a second. Lilith rolled her eyes at her. “What? I don’t want to hear your swooning. It’s bad enough seeing your love-sick face whenever she so much as moves.”
Ava rolled her eyes again, but she felt a certain weight lifted from her shoulders. What Lilith had said did kind of make sense, even in Ava’s confused and foggy brain. They stayed silent for a moment.
“I tried, you know.”, Ava then broke the silence.
“Tried what?”
“To show her.”
Lilith huffed. “Well, Beatrice is really dense when it comes to that.”, she drily stated. “And careful with your signals now. You have to understand that. Last time she thought you were serious, you left her alone in a hotel bed the next morning.”
Ava instantly felt that pang of guilt and regret, but she could also not help but stare at Lilith in shock. The older woman closed her eyes shut and grimaced. “Don’t tell Camila I told you that, either.”, she nearly pleaded, but Ava’s heart was still too heavy to even care about Camila potentially being pissed at Lilith.
“She told Camila?”, she asked in a near-whisper.
Lilith sighed. “Eventually.”, she nodded. “After that Never have I Ever game. Camila was pretty insisting.”
Ava buried her face in her hands and groaned for a moment.
“Well, for what it’s worth, Camila did actually try her best to explain and defend your objectively questionable actions.”, Lilith added. “So, you might want to thank her for that. Because Beatrice was quite hurt. But it seems she forgave you. She just needs to know where you stand now. So your job now is to make that clear.”
“And how do I do that?”, Ava asked with a huff.
Lilith looked at her like this was the most stupid question she had ever heard. “For someone that usually has something to say about everything and doesn’t know when to shut up, it seems to be quite hard for you to come to the conclusion that maybe you should just talk to her…”
Damn, Lilith’s straight-forwardness never ceased to amaze Ava. Even though she tended to make some valid points. But this one was little helpful.
“How?”, Ava countered annoyedly. “She doesn’t want to talk to me right now.”
Lilith just looked at her, clearly debating how to react to this, and then decided to awkwardly pat her shoulder. “I’m sure you will find a way.”, she just said. “But maybe sleep it off first. And… oh look… there is your taxi!” Lilith sounded so relieved Ava couldn’t help but laugh through the huff escaping her mouth.
“Hey, babygirl.” The warm voice made her look up in surprise. There, next to Camila and Yasmine, stood Mary and Shannon, both with warm, compassionate smiles on their faces. “Come on, let’s get you home.”, Mary added. It filled Ava with gratitude that her friends had thought of calling Mary and Shannon – and that the two of them had come to pick her up in the middle of the night. She could use the company and the comfort and even the tough love she might get from Mary in the morning.
Ava stood up and let herself be hugged by Shannon and Mary. “Can I come home with you for the night?”, she asked carefully. She had recently moved into her own, new apartment. Beatrice had even helped her find it and paint it. But it was still very sparsely furnished and didn’t feel like home, yet.
“Of course.”, both women assured her. When they released her from their embrace, Camila also gave her a tight hug.
“How are you?”, she then asked carefully.
“Better.”, Ava said with a half-smile.
Camila looked at her sceptically. “Really?”
Ava nodded and threw Lilith a small smile over Camila’s shoulder. “Yeah.”, she assured Camila. “Lilith actually helped me through the worst.”
That earned her a most sceptical, incredulous look from everyone, including Lilith herself.
5 minutes later, when she was in the car, already nearly asleep, cuddled into a blanket Mary had given her, Ava mumbled a tired: “Thank you for coming. I’m sorry she called you in the middle of the night.”
“Of course, babygirl.”, Mary answered softly. And then, after a short pause, she added: “She really cares for you, you know.”
Ava smiled into her blanket. “Yeah, Camila is a great friend.”
There was a moment of silence again, which was nearly enough to send Ava into dreamland. She was grateful that she hadn’t drifted off, yet, though, when Mary finally replied. “It wasn’t Camila, who called me, babygirl.”, she said sincerely. Ava opened one eye in surprise to find Mary, who was riding shotgun, looking back at her, a warm, pointed smile on her face.
At Ava's questioning look, Mary's smile softened and widened. “It was Beatrice.”