Show yourself
If Ava already had troubles getting Beatrice out of her head before, after their "friend date" it became a near impossible feat. She couldn’t stop thinking about her warm eyes, the soft smile or her cute giggle when she was both amused and shy, a rare treasure Ava had learnt to value very highly. She would hear her voice when she lay down in bed at night, staring at the ceiling and listening to the sound of her own heartbeat. And then, sometimes, of course she would remember that night and she would start burning with desire at the memory of hot kisses all over her body and sweet words whispered into her ear, of strong hands holding her close as she desperately pressed their bodies together and of brown eyes soaking up every inch of her body. It felt wrong to do something about it when she had pushed Beatrice away afterwards, but it made her groan and scream into her pillow in frustration. Some nights she would spend hours just staring at Beatrice's profile picture and the few photos of her Camila had sent them in their group chat.
They had actually met up three more time since their "friend date". Once with Cam and Lilith for a brunch when they came back from their honeymoon, once to go buy a birthday present for Cam together and once for a planned girls’ night out that had turned into a dinner for two after Lilith, Cam and Dora had all suspiciously cancelled last minute.
All of these meetings had been full of small moments which made Ava’s heart race and her knees get weak and Ava didn’t know what to do with all these emotions overwhelming her whenever they were close.
“Have you ever met someone that you instantly felt connected to?”, she asked Mary after she had come home from her and Bea’s impromptu dinner. “And every meeting, every talk, every interaction afterwards just confirmed what you already felt the first time you got to know each other?”
Mary had been watching some sappy romance movie that she would never admit she actually liked, but the minute Ava had asked that question, she turned towards her, raised an eyebrow in typical Mary-fashion and switched off the TV without a comment.
She gave Ava a sceptical look. “Are you quoting Imagine Me & You on me?”, she then asked with an amused half-smile.
Ava rolled her eyes. That was another of Mary’s favourites that she would never admit to. “Well, wasn’t my intention, but yeah. Maybe.”
Mary nodded. “Just to get one thing straight here: I don’t believe in love at first sight or soulmates or meant to be or any of that crap.”, she clarified. When Ava opened her mouth to comment on that, she shut her up with a warning look and an elaboration: “But I do believe in deep and meaningful connections. And I believe they can sometimes form after just one meeting. I do believe that sometimes just one meaningful conversation can be enough to know that whatever kind of relationship we are going to have with that person, it is going to be an important and beautiful one. Enough to know it will be worth keeping that person in our lives and letting them in.”
Ava thought about Mary’s words for a moment. “So you have felt that way?”
“I have.” The answer surprised her.
“What did you do?”, she asked, sincerely.
Mary looked her dead in the eye, her face both serious and soft. “I married her.”
“Huh?” Ava furrowed her eyebrows. She had been surprised by Mary’s answer before, because Mary had never mentioned there having been anyone but Shannon in her life, but…“But you told me you and Shannon were just friends for over a year before you realized you wanted more and got together.”
Mary smiled. “We were.”, she confirmed. “That doesn’t mean the connection wasn’t there already from the start. I knew from the first time we met that what we had was special.” She paused, before adding: “And so did she.”
That was news to Ava. She had always kind of assumed feelings between them had developed slowly and after being friends for a long time. “Why did it take you a whole year to get together then?”
Mary sighed. “Because life got in the way.”, she explained. “I had just finally gained my independence and wasn’t ready to settle down anywhere. And Shan was still in the army back then. It was still the time of don’t ask, don’t tell. She had to figure out what kind of life she wanted to live. And I needed to figure my own things out. But we always knew we had a special bond.”
“How?”
“Because we told each other and showed each other how much we meant to each other. There are a thousand ways to tell and show a person you love them and care for them. You just have to be brave enough to reveal what you feel inside."
Once again, Ava let the words sink in. “Were you not scared?”, she then dared to ask, though meekly. “To lose each other along the way? That one of you would move on, find someone else?”
The look Mary gave her, the soft, understanding, motherly one, showed Ava that her best friend knew she wasn’t just asking the question because she was curious about her and Shannon’s background story.
“No.”, Mary simply replied. “We knew what we had. We knew that we were important to each other and that we would always find our way back to each other, even if back then wasn’t the right time for us.”
Ava wished she had that confidence. In herself, in her ability to create meaningful relationships, in the future.
But whenever she and Beatrice met, the obvious avoidance of the big elephant in the room always seemed to be in the way of the comfortable closeness Ava remembered and craved. She had tried to apologize and explain, several times, but Bea had always shot any and every attempt down so quickly that Ava was seriously wondering if the woman had the gift of foresight.
She tried to believe that maybe Beatrice just knew, felt it in every time Ava looked at her, how much she wanted her. All of her. All the parts of her she already knew and every new little detail she learnt about her. And how she could never regret the mind-blowing night they spent together. Not a second of it. She tried to believe that maybe Beatrice knew that Ava just needed some time.
But Ava didn’t like maybes. She didn’t like sitting around waiting for the stars to align. She really didn’t want to push Beatrices limits. But she also didn’t want to leave their next meeting to chance.
Fortunately, luck was on her side, because when she opened their friends’ group chat shortly after her talk with Mary, she found a message by Beatrice.
Bea:Hey! Does anyone of you have a car they could lend me on Saturday? I need to get a new bookshelf for my apartment. It should fit into a normal car, but I can’t transport it via public transport.
Ava looked at the message for one, two, three seconds. Then she stormed into the kitchen, where Mary was preparing dinner, and exclaimed: “Mary, I need your car on Saturday!”
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Beatrice had protested first. She had insisted that Ava did not need to drive her and help her get the shelf, that she should not have to waste her well-deserved free Saturday for something like that. No assurance of Ava that spending time with Beatrice could never be a waste of time (tell and show her how much she means to you, Ava!) had worked, as Beatrice seemed to have serious issues asking other people for help or even accepting the help they offered. The argument that had convinced her in the end was Ava’s very valid question of how Beatrice thought she was going to carry that shelf up the stairs to her new flat alone and how she was thinking of putting it together alone. She had insisted to at least hold the parts while Beatrice assembled them.
Beatrice had gone very quiet on the other end of the line. So quiet, that Ava was wondering if Beatrice had just hung up on her. But then she had reluctantly agreed to let Ava help her, though Ava was confused about how embarrassed Beatrice sounded.
She had nearly forgotten about Beatrice’s weird reaction when she met up with Beatrice at the furniture store. She had been too busy trying not to gay panic too obviously over the fact that a) she was furniture shopping with the woman she couldn’t stop thinking about, b) they had been assumed to be a couple at least 3 times by people working at the store and c) Bea was going to take her to her apartment afterwards.
But once they got to Bea’s still only sparsely furnished apartment and had decided to directly start building up the book shelf, Ava had soon found out why Beatrice had seemed so nervous. The anticipated scenario of Ava holding the furniture parts, so that Beatrice can skilfully connect them, had been based on the assumption that Beatrice surely knew how to assemble furniture. Which had turned out to not exactly be true. It had quickly become clear that Beatrice was actually not very versed in assembling furniture. To put it diplomatically.
“Bea?”, Ava had intervened very early into Bea helplessly staring at the planks and screws and tools. “Have you ever actually used a screwdriver or an Allen key before?”
Bea had blushed and grimaced, while half shrugging, half shaking her head.
“Have you ever assembled furniture?”
Same reaction.
It had been adorable. But Ava couldn’t help but gawk in disbelief: “You have really never built up a shelf? You are an architect for fucks sake!”
At that Bea had huffed. “Architects plan! They don’t build!”
Ava’s eyes had widened in amusement at that. “But you are a doctor of restauration and conservation. Your job is literally using tools to create something new. How can you be so bad at this?”, she had half laughed. To which Bea had timidly admitted that she had never actually had to build up modern furniture before, because she had never bought anything for a flat she had lived in. She had always lived in a fully-furnished room and had mainly used it for sleeping and sometimes studying. She had never even bought anything decorative to individualise her room and make it more homey. It had actually tugged at Ava’s heartstrings to hear Bea say that. Everyone needed a home that felt like one, a place that was their own. She knew that better than anyone. But for now she had decided not to probe and had instead stored away that piece of information for later.
“Well, I am glad to know you are not completely perfect. I thought you didn’t have any weaknesses, but now that I found one, I wouldn’t mind seeing more of them.”, Ava had joked instead.
But to her surprise Bea’s reaction had been a very timid and sincere “Why?”
Ava had turned around to Bea to find the other woman looking at her with curiosity and hesitancy in her eyes, which made Ava put down the ratchet she had just been using.
“Why what?”, she asked perplexedly.
Bea inhaled noticeably and pinched her nose shyly. “Why would you want to know my flaws?”
Ava froze and blinked. Because I want to know everything about you. “Because they are part of you?” There it was again, the intense look Beatrice sometimes captured her with, like she was trying to figure her out. It made Ava’s heart race and her hands sweat and when it got too much, she averted her gaze, let out a nervous laughter and then added: “We are all flawed, you know. But that doesn’t make us less worthy or less wonderful or less loveable. There is a certain beauty in flaws. Flaws make us human.”
Pause.
“What are your flaws?”, Beatrice then softly asked.
Ava huffed. “How long do you have?”, she joked. But Beatrice didn’t answer, just kept looking at her curiously, clearly waiting for a serious answer. Ava sighed. “I have a lot of flaws. You know that.”, she mumbled.
“Like what?”, Beatrice pushed, though tentatively.
Ava inhaled sharply, before she replied. “I am impulsive and rush things. And I make rash decisions that often hurt people, even if that wasn’t my intention.” She tried a crooked grin to ease some of the tension, before adding: “But I have been working on that.”
Bea’s soft eyes were searching hers again. “Yeah?”
Ava half-smiled. “Yeah.”, she nodded. She hesitated a moment. But then she looked back at Bea, held her gaze, and continued: “Recently I have realized that sometimes it is worth it to take a step back and take it slow, even if it is scary, because you feel like you risk losing what you want the most.”
She saw Bea take in a slow, but deep breath. There was silence again, only filled with the steady sound of Ava’s pounding heart. Bea was clearly thinking what to say. She opened her mouth, hesitated, closed it again, before finally taking in another deep breath and saying: “Well, I have always been overly careful and didn’t do anything unless I was 100% sure it would work out.” A hint of a smile appeared on Bea’s lips. “But recently I have been realizing that sometimes it is worth throwing caution to the wind and take a chance, even if you risk getting hurt in the process.”
They stayed silent, no one of them breaking the eye-contact until Ava shakily exhaled the breath she didn’t realize she had been holding.
“Maybe there is a middle ground?”, she suggested, her voice trembling nervously.
Beatrice bit her lip, then smiled. “Maybe there is.”, she answered, before clearing her throat and grabbing the shelf instruction to see which parts they needed next.
Ava just stood and watched her for a moment, a small, but hopeful smile on her lips. It was the closest they had ever come to talking about that night. And them. And what it meant. I wasn’t much, but for now it was enough.
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Having a girls’ night and sleepover at Cam’s and Lilith’s house “like old days” had of course been Cam’s idea of a birthday party. She had assured them there would be no drinking games though. Just some fun video games and board games, paired with lots of snacks and a sappy movie afterwards. Just Lilith, Cam, Dora, Ava, Beatrice and Yasmine, who had come to work with Beatrice at her old university and had effortlessly integrated herself into their little group.
It had been a great night, full of laughter, old stories and new stories. But it had also been a night full of stolen glances, shy smiles and the constant challenge of trying not to give in to the overwhelming urge to touch Bea’s arm when she was talking to her with a smile, to sit closer to Bea, when they were playing video games against each other, to brush her fingers against Bea’s when they were sitting next to each other while watching character A and character B fall in love with each other in every universe.
Take your time. Give her time. Trust the process., had been a constant mantra in her head all evening.
And now she was lying on the sofa bed in Cam’s and Lilith’s living room, staring at the ceiling and listening to music to drown out all of her overwhelming emotions and thoughts. She had always had troubles sleeping alone. Always reminded her of lonely nights in the orphanage. She could never get used to the sounds a house could make in the dead silence of a night. The random creaks of the floors, the wind howling, the sounds of footsteps. The music helped. Against the fear and the overthinking.
A movement at the other end of the room made her slowly sit up in panic, until she recognized the the silhouette of Beatrice, who had stopped in her tracks and was looking at her in surprise. Ava stared back, her heart now racing for an entirely different reason. Once she recovered from the shock of seeing Beatrice standing in her room in the middle of the night, wearing a cute oversized t-shirt and boxer shorts, she carefully took the ear plugs out and switched on the bedside lamp, all without taking her eyes away from Beatrice.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”, she heard Beatrice stammer into the twilight. She was holding a glass of water in her hand, which explained her presence in the living room as you had to cross it in order to reach the kitchen. Ava was surprised she hadn’t seen her come in before.
“You didn’t.”, Ava assured her. Bea didn’t reply, just kept standing there, staring at Ava wide-eyed.
“Can’t sleep?”, Ava asked softly, trying to bridge the silence between them. They were both fully aware of the last time they had been together in a room with a bed at night. Ava’s attempt at changing the topic helped diffuse the tension though. At least the them-related tension.
As an answer to Ava’s question, Beatrice shrugged, but her heavy sigh was answer enough. She looked troubled and restless and Ava hoped and guessed that at least not all of that was her fault.
She heard Beatrice inhale deeply. “Turns out it was easier to keep my parents’ voices out of my head when I was miles away on another continent.”, she admitted meekly. Ava could feel how meaningful this confession was.
“Do you want to talk about it?”, she asked carefully.
Bea shook her head, her arms crossed in front of her body protectively. “Not tonight.”, she then clarified. “I don’t think that would make it better.”
Ava nodded. She understood. “Do you want to listen to music?”, she offered. When Beatrice eyed her with a hesitant look on her face, Ava gave her a soft smile and patted on the sofa next to her. Another two seconds of pause, before Beatrice finally walked over to the sofa bed and slowly sat down on it next to Ava, giving her a short, small smile. Her hands in the sofa pushed her shoulders up in a way that made her look both closed off and vulnerable and definitely anything but relaxed. She did look cute though, subtly shifting around next to Ava, while looking at her. Ava forced herself to keep the 3 inches of distance between them, though she just needed to move her body a little bit for their shoulder to touch. Don’t initiate anything neither of you are ready for, Ava.
“What do you want to listen to?”, she quickly asked.
Beatrice shrugged again. “I don’t know. Whatever you want.”, she said. “I don’t usually listen to music to help me fall asleep.”
Ava thought for a moment. “I have an idea.”, she then said, jumped off the sofa bed and held her hand out to Beatrice. Beatrice blinked and stared at her hand quizzically and with a light blush on her face.
“What?”, she muttered.
Ava smiled at how cute she looked. “Come with me.”, she said softly and with a smile. Beatrice didn’t move for some seconds. When she finally did reach out and took Ava’s hand, carefully and hesitantly, Ava could feel the simple touch send shivers through her whole body. She gulped, but smiled a smile that she hoped didn’t betray how nervous she was. She helped Beatrice up, grabbed a blanket with her free hand and led Beatrice to the terrace door. Her heart was pounding and her brain suddenly couldn’t focus on anything but Beatrice’s hand in hers.
It was a mystery how she managed to open the terrace door without much fumbling. But when she pulled Beatrice out over the terrace and into the garden, she felt the other woman give her hand a gentle squeeze, which made Ava unelegantly stumble over her own feet and Beatrice bump into her a bit. They both blushed furiously and muttered nervous apologies, before Ava composed herself a bit and decided to set up her idea right here, on the grass in front of the terrace. She instantly missed the feeling of Bea’s hand in hers, which she had to let go in order to lay out the blanket.
When she was done, she saw Beatrice watching her with a questioning look, but also a small smile on her lips. Ava inhaled deeply and gestured towards the blanket. Beatrice tilted her head in curiosity, but sat down anyways.
Ava watched her, and cleared her throat. “I think it’s better if you lay down.”, she suggested, and then added: “Might make it more relaxing and enjoyable and…” She stopped and blushed furiously when she realized how that sounded. With eyes widened in panic she tried to backpaddle: “That’s not… I am sorry. I just meant like because relaxation is important to sleep and this might help you relax and oh my God, I am making it worse, I am so sorry, I am just going to shut up.” She was mortified, but when she dared to look at Beatrice, the other woman just looked up at her with an eyebrow risen and a look that walked the line between dumbstruck and amused. It relieved Ava, but also made her surprised heart skip a couple of beats. She blushed even more and muttered another apology. Beatrice didn’t answer, but Ava could see her biting her lips to hide a smile, before she lay down on the blanket, staring up at the starry night sky.
Ava took a deep breath and rolled her eyes at the night sky, before laying down as well, her position mirroring Beatrice’s upside down, as she positioned herself with her feet facing in the other direction and her head next to Bea’s, so that they could share the headphones. She handed Beatrice one of the earplugs. When their fingers touched accidentally, they both looked at each other and Ava’s breath hitched when she realized how close their faces were and how her eyes were aligned with Bea’s lips.
“Sorry”; she quickly muttered, not sure what she was even apologizing about. She quickly scooted a bit down, so that she was now eye to eye with Beatrice, redirected her eyes to the phone in her hand and tried to focus on searching what she was looking for instead of the way Beatrice’s lips had glistered in the moonlight. When she found what she had been looking for, she pressed play, lay the phone in the grass, looked at the night sky and waited.
It started with a faint soughing and murmering, building up slowly, but steadily to a groaning and roaring, before ebbing to a gentle whisper again. From the corner of the eyes Ava witnessed the exact moment Beatrice recognized the calming sounds filling her ears. How she stilled in surprise, before she sighed contently and a soft, small smile creeped on her face. How her breathing soon aligned with the steady rhythm of the waves. How she started stretching her arms to both sides like she was actually floating on water, her hands carefully ghosting over the grass. It was mesmerizing to see the way the tension seemed to flow out of Beatrice instantly. How she began to look so calm and content and at ease. So herself.
Ava tried to avert her gaze and concentrate on the constellations beautifully laid out above her, but her eyes were somehow always drawn back to the woman lying here with her, seeming so captivated by the night sky and the palpitating heartbeat of the sea, like she had just blocked out the whole world around her.
“You are supposed to look at the stars.” Beatrice soft, but clear voice made Ava blink in surprise. Beatrice was still staring at the sky, but Ava could see a smile form on her lips, which only widened at Ava’s jumpy reaction.
Ava felt her face heat up. “Sorry.”, she stuttered, wanting to avert her gaze now. But then Beatrice turned her head towards her and their eyes met in the dim light of the moon and the living room lighting. She seemed to want to say something, but stopped herself. Instead she just kept looking into Ava’s eyes with that soft look and that warm smile of hers. Ava couldn’t help but smile back.
She felt like she would never get tired of Beatrice looking at her like that. Like they were the only people in the world right now. It had made Ava feel overwhelmed and scared before. But now it just made her feel seen and still wanted. She realized that with Beatrice she didn’t mind the feeling of falling all that much.
The looked into each other’s eyes without saying a word, until Ava’s eyes became heavy and her breathing slowed down and the sounds of the sea blended with the sound of Ava’s blood rushing through her veins. Ava’s eyes were closed already and she had nearly drifted off to sleep, when she felt the tip of a fingers touch one of hers, tentatively at first, before Beatrice moved her hand up a bit more in order to intertwine it with Ava’s.
Ava didn’t dare open her eyes. She was sure that Beatrice had to feel her racing pulse in her hand. But she didn‘t mind.
Her heart beating faster and stronger in her chest whenever Beatrice touched her or was near was slowly becoming the magical soundtrack of her falling in love with every part of Beatrice she was willing to share with her.