Stephen stood in the sanctuary in New York, staring into the mirror and trying to smooth his hair back with gel. He ran a comb through his hair that was slowly turning from dark brown to gray. Every day he felt like he was getting grayer, a harsh reminder that even though he had been able to control time, he couldn't control his aging. He took a deep breath as two pieces of his slid forward for the fourth time, refusing to agree with the hair gel.
Today Strange was going back to Kamar-Taj for its annual Fall Festival, and he had a special role this year in the festival that was stressing him out. This would also be his first time taking Tony Stark to Kamar-Taj. His first time publicly being with Tony since they had started their relationship. He pushed his shaking hands through his hair again, but the two pieces of stubborn hair refused to stay back. He stepped away from the mirror, picking up his sling ring from the shelf and slipping it onto his fingers.
He left the bathroom and went to his bedroom, the Cloak of Levitation flew to his shoulders as he walked towards his bed, sat down and began putting on his shoes. He pulled the boots on, he had polished them up the night before in preparation for today. Rather than his blue robes, he wore a dark orange robe over black pants. He was trying to look the part of the Bringer of Autumn. Everyone in Kamar-taj would be watching him as he allowed the leaves to change from green to golden and burnt orange and red. It was a lot of pressure, but when Wong asked him if he would do the honours, he couldn’t turn it down. But he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking as he tied up his boots, and a pit of anxiety started to slowly form in his stomach.
“It’ll be fine,” he said to himself confidently, trying to give himself a pep talk. “You’ve done a lot harder than this before.” He smoothed his robes down flat and raised his hands, forming a portal in front of him, the orange sparks illuminating the room.
Tony Stark’s living room appeared in front of him, Stark himself in the kitchen drinking a glass of water choked slightly as Stephen stepped into the room.
“Tony,” Strange said, a smirk forming on his face, a little pleased from surprising the man.
“Doctor Strange,” Tony said, shaking the water off of his black sports jacket. “I always think that someday I’ll be able to get used to you materializing in my living room, but I never do.”
Stephen smiled, walking towards him. Their relationship was still very new, and he was still figuring out how to act around Tony now that they were official. He was still figuring out who he was, as was Stark, so they were taking things slow. “You’re looking sharp,” he said, flicking his hand in the air to dry off Stark’s black shirt and jacket.
“Thanks,” Tony said, smiling slightly. “I like your orange, uh, robes? Is that what they’re called? It goes well with your hair. I’ve never seen you in orange. Suits you.” Tony looked up at Stephen, meeting the taller man’s eyes, his face cracking into a grin. “Ah, rambling again.”
“No need to flatter me,” Stephen remarked, but he slowly felt his stress starting to melt away now that he was with Tony. “Are you ready to go?”
“That depends, am I dressed right for the event?” Tony asked as he turned to the counter, taking off his glasses and setting them down.
“Everyone else will be wearing robes, so unless you want to wear some of mine, I think you’ll be fine. You look, ah, good. Really good,” Strange had a hard time letting himself say that, he was still getting used to it, him and Tony being together, being able to tell him how good he looks without feeling embarrassed. Okay, without feeling as embarrassed, sometimes it was hard to play it cool around Tony.
Tony smiled. “Well, shall we?”
Stephen lifted his hands and opened the portal to Kamar-Taj, then slipped arm around Tony’s and they stepped through the portal together.
The moment they left Tony’s living room and entered Kamar-Taj, a cold breeze swept Strange’s carefully gelled hair even more out of place. He sighed quietly, trying to mask his disappointment. Being a sorcerer doesn’t stop you from having bad hair days.
They were in the courtyard, and it was filled with wizards and other apprentices of the mystic arts. Everyone there knew him, and he felt Tony squeeze his arm a little. It felt good to be there with him.
The courtyard was decorated beautifully, there were tables towards the sides covered with woven tablecloths and filled with food. Bright red apples overflowed from bowls and large pumpkins sat happily in the corners of the room. The walls had tapestries showing the first Bringer of Autumn as she changed the seasons for the people of Kamar-Taj. The smell of cinnamon and sandalwood came from the incense sticks that sat burning around the room. The trees along the mountain side looked out of place, still summer green.
Tony’s head looked left and right, he looked up at the afternoon sky, then nonchalantly reached into his pocket, pulling out a pair of dark sunglasses. “So, this is where you lived before I met you?” He asked.
“Yeah, I lived here for a couple of years after my, ah, accident. After I left New York,” he then spotted Wong, the Sorcerer Supreme, talking with some students. “Should we go talk with Wong?”
“Sure,” Tony responded. “It’s nice here, I like it. Will you show me around a bit before your ceremony?”
“I will, I want to show you some of the vendors too. There will be some stands selling things down one of the hallways. The apprentices are given the chance to sell things for the Fall Festival.”
They walked over towards Wong, who gracefully ended his conversation with the wizard he was talking to. “Well if it isn’t the Bringer of Autumn himself. I haven’t seen you for a while Stephen, how are you?”
“Good, good,” Stephen smiled sheepishly, “You remember Tony Stark.”
“The Iron Man. How could I forget,” Wong said, reaching out to shake Tony’s hand.
“My partner,” Stephen said, reminding Wong. As one of Stephen’s closest friends, he had told him shortly after he and Tony had decided to become official.
“The man who stole Doctor Strange’s heart,” he chuckled. Tony smiled.
“He’s got a unique charm to him, that’s for sure,” Tony responded, and the Cloak of Levitation reached over and started trying to reach around Tony lovingly, but Strange yanked it back quickly before he could notice. He didn’t want the cloak making any moves for him. It fought back against Strange and pulled him closer to Stark, bumping them into each other, so Stephen put his arm around Stark, pleasing the cloak enough to make it lie flat again.
“So have you been busy?” Strange asked, trying to steer the conversation back to Wong.
“Oh you know, the usual. Training apprentices, making portals, fighting crime.”
Eventually, Wong had to get back to greeting everyone and his other Sorcerer Supreme duties, leaving Stephen and Tony to themselves. They began to walk around.
“When do you have to do your important wizard thing?” asked Tony.
Stephen chuckled, “I still have a couple more hours, so we have some time.”
They started walking over towards the fall market stalls. He could already smell the sweet scent of baking and spices, and he was looking forward to treating Tony to some snacks.
They strolled around the stalls, chatting to some of the students that Stephen knew. Lots of them recognized Tony and asked him for a picture, making Stephen’s heart jump a little with pride. His partner was a hero who had stopped Thanos and saved them all. It felt good to be with a hero. Albeit, a retired hero, who was taking a bit of time to himself and enjoying the rest of his life, and Stephen was the one who he had chosen to spend it with. He felt like the luckiest Doctor Strange in all of the multiverses.
While Tony was chatting with a couple of fans, Stephen started to browse a couple of vendors' tables, his eyes catching on a thick gold plated bracelet, covered with runes that represented protection. He ran his thumb over it, and saw the runes light up.
“It’s enchanted, Mr. Strange,” said the young vendor. “Did it myself,” she said proudly.
“I’ll take it, please,” Stephen said, handing over some money to the girl. The metal bracelet felt heavy in his pocket as he thanked her. If he could give it to Tony, he’d feel a bit better leaving him when he had to go fight interdimensional threats. He knew Tony could fend for himself, but some magical protection would ease his mind.
He slipped back to Tony’s side as though he had never left. “Should we get back to the courtyard before I bring in the Autumn?”
“Of course, Doc,” he said playfully. They made their way back, Tony raving about a pastry they had shared. Stephen locked that into his mind, imagining Stark’s smile when he would bring him a whole box of them the next time they spent some time together.
In the courtyard, there were more practicers of the mystic arts than before, sparks flying through the air as more and more people portalled in from around the world to attend the Fall Festival. Stephen felt his heart rate raise a little, a cold sweat forming under his robes.
“Hey, you’ll do fine. I know how you feel now, but I know you’ll do great,” Tony reached around Stephen’s waist, hugging him from the side. Stephen glanced around the room, he wasn’t a huge fan of PDA, but no one seemed to be paying attention to them. He leaned into Tony’s side.
“Just a little nervous.”
“No need to be nervous, Magic Man.”
Strange smiled shyly, holding up his scarred hands, they shook. Badly. He squeezed them into the incomplete fists they formed, then flexed them back out as straight as they could. They shook worse than before, and he dropped them back to his sides.
“I have to go up to the stage right away, will you be good down here while I go meet Wong?”
“Of course. Knock ‘em dead, Strange,” Stark said. “Ah, I mean. Goodluck, I’ll be here waiting.”
Strange considered kissing Stark on the shoulder, but then reconsidered and grabbed Tony’s hand and squeezed it. He then walked away, glancing back at Tony who was watching him, smiling a little. It was nice to have someone who cared about him there, there just to watch him. He felt special.
Strange walked up towards the edge of the stage where Wong and some of the other sorcerers were waiting. Wong would begin the ceremony by welcoming everyone then giving the history of the Fall Festival, then Stephen would step to centre stage and do the honours.
“Do you need the recap on what to do, Strange?” Wong asked him.
“Of course not, I’ve been studying and meditating and practicing the spell since you invited me to be the Bringer of Autumn. I’m ready. Ready as I’ll ever be.” But his hands trembled at his sides and his throat started to tighten up as they stepped onto stage.
Stephen stared out at the crowd. There were probably over one hundred wizards watching. They all stood, staring ahead at the stage. He looked out past them, at the blue sky, soon the sky would be darkening to dusk, but for now the blue held strong. The mountains in the distance were grey and speckled with various types of trees. If he closed his eyes, he could focus on their life forces, feel the breeze through their leaves. Feel the birds that perched on their branches. He was ready, he was certain of it.
“Welcome to this year’s Fall Festival at Kamar-Taj. It is I, Sorcerer Supreme Wong, here to tell you about what the Fall Festival means to us,” Wong spoke to the large crowd. His voice echoed through the courtyard, projected with an unseen spell. “Years ago, in the time of one of the first Sorcerer Supremes, winter fell upon Kamar-Taj quickly before anyone had the chance to harvest their food for the colder months. The leaves were still green and the food still ripe on the vine, yet frozen beyond repair. And so the Sorcerer Supreme appointed the Bringer of Fall, whose duty it is to change the leaves and plants from their summer prime to their next stage of life, the golden autumn. May I present this year’s Bringer of Autumn, Doctor Stephen Strange, Protector of the New York Sanctum!”
Strange stepped forward to stand beside Wong and called out, “Thank you for giving me this honour, I will bring the Autumn leaves with power and pride the way that it has been done for thousands of years.” He stared out into the crowd of sorcerers, spotting Tony near the center, his dark sunglasses sitting on top of his head.
Stephen lifted his arms forward, his sling ring sitting gently on his fingers. Sparks started to dance in front of him as he swung his arms purposefully around his body in the shape of a circle. He closed his eyes, seeing all of the leaves and plants with his inner eye, clearly aware of every single plant that lived around Kamar-Taj. His body was almost overwhelmed with his senses, but he took a deep breath, calming himself. He began to feel resistance as he grabbed onto their life forces. He began to slowly turn his hands, turning the plants’ and leaves’ colour from green to autumnal.
A sudden roar erupted through the quiet courtyard, then the frightened screams of his fellow sorcerers.
Strange, startled, opened his eyes and broke his concentration. He dropped his arms quickly, abandoning the spell at the sight of a large ice-blue dragon’s head roaring out from an interdimensional rift. Tony, he thought, I have to make sure that Tony is okay.
It was then that his hands started burning.
“Agh,” Stephen cried out, grabbing onto his hands. He looked around, afraid of the damage he had done by stopping part way through the spell. Although invisible, the abandoned spell hung in the air. It withered the leaves on the trees from their warm fall colours to shriveled brown, and then they fell from the trees. Stephen’s heart sank, but he didn’t have time to wallow.
The wizards in the courtyard already had their sling rings in action, building shields to protect themselves from the dragon’s frosty breath. But in the middle stood Tony, completely unprotected and vulnerable to the unwelcome guest’s dangers.
“Stark!” yelled Stephen, and his head shot up just in time for the Cloak of Levitation to attach itself to Tony’s shoulders and push him through the crowd. The man struggled as the fabric pushed him towards the stage, caught off guard by the sentient cloak. Stark was lifted onto the stage then pulled to the side of the stage, past Stephen and against the wall.
“Strange, help us vanquish this beast,” called Wong who was shooting bullets of orange flames at the furious dragon’s torso. “We need your power.”
Strange lifted his hands and attempted to copy the same spell as Wong, but nothing happened. His hands locked up, as if he had traveled back in time to when he was still undergoing physiotherapy for the accident, back when he could barely move his fingers at all. His scars felt as though they were of fire, and he could not form a single spell.
“Wong, I can’t,” he said, watching the destruction as the dragon shot bursts of ice.
Panic started boiling up inside him, and he looked back at Tony, being held to the side, to safety. Stephen was helpless, and by default so was Tony. He couldn’t think straight, all he could do was stand there and wish he was anywhere else.
He was a failure and he couldn’t do anything right, not without his hands. Strange stood there, stupidly, as he watched the courtyard of sorcerers do the one thing he couldn’t do. He always knew this day would come, the day that he lost all of his abilities. The day that he would be proved wrong by the universe, that he was nothing without his hands, his million dollar hands that could save lives, now just limp, burning pieces of him.
Behind him, Tony fought against the Cloak of Levitation to try to get to Stephen’s side.
He just watched, numb, as the wizards, his peers, forced the dragon back through the rift and sealed it shut. And he, Doctor Stephen Strange, couldn’t even shoot a single spark from his trembling hands. His throat tightened as the sorcerers started to look back at the stage, as if the threat hadn’t even happened. The rift was sealed shut and the sky was clear, just the shards of ice that had been shot from the dragon’s mouth remained, but even those would be gone soon, whisked away by someone else’s magic. Wong stared at Stephen with sympathy, he knew more about Stephen’s struggle than almost anyone, other than Christine.
It was then that the crowd noticed Stephen’s failed spell. The leaves on the trees were shriveled and brown, that is, the ones that were still clinging to the branches, the rest of them were crumbled on the ground and black. Stephen didn’t even want to think of the fruit and vegetables that had been growing, he hoped that at least some of them would be salvageable. He hoped his spell just ruined the leaves, not the food. There was some quiet murmuring in the crowd, they were still shocked from the dragon, but to him they sounded disappointed.
Wong stepped over to Stephen. “It’s not your fault. It’s a very hard spell, any broken concentration could change the result.”
“I shouldn’t have broken my concentration though. I knew better. My meditations preparing for this spell proved I would be able to do it.”
“Strange, no need to worry. It doesn’t make you any less of the sorcerer you are, you’ve done much more powerful spells than this one,” Wong comforted him, but the words seemed to fly over his head like the dead leaves that blew in the breeze. “This is just a ceremony, it’s not as important as it was before. Just a tradition.”
Stephen heard Tony stop struggling against the Cloak of Levitation, which quickly attached itself back to Stephen’s shoulders. Tony stayed to the side, not daring to approach, not wanting to intrude on the special ceremony.
Wong looked out towards the audience. “Sorcerers, I graciously thank you all for your help against that unexpected rift between dimensions. I could not have done it without you. And thank you to the Bringer of Autumn, Doctor Stephen Strange, who beautifully executed the spell until the frost dragon disrupted the ceremony. A round of applause for Doctor Strange please. I dearly hope he will return next year as the Bringer of Autumn.”
The crowd began clapping, but Strange couldn’t focus. He waved his hand at the audience, trying to force a smile, but the pit in his stomach felt as though it was expanding like a black hole, eating him up from the inside with words of self-doubt. You’re not good enough. You’re a failure. Tony will never love you, just as Christine never could. You’re worthless without your hands.
“And now, the feast!” Wong raised his arms, and lanterns dropped from the sky, lighting up the courtyard. Strange didn’t wait a moment to admire them as he stormed off the stage and into the temple.
His boots echoed on the stone floors as he sped towards one of the side doors that led to a smaller, less used courtyard. The sun was falling from the sky as he flung open the door and sat himself down on the bottom step of the stairs, placing his face in his still burning hands.
“Stephen? Stephen, where are you?” Tony’s voice echoed through the quiet empty halls.
Strange almost didn’t want to answer. But Tony was a guest in the temple, and it would be wrong to ignore him. He couldn’t resort back to his coping mechanism of isolating himself. That hadn’t done him any good, and he knew that, it was just hard to break the pattern.
“Over here,” he said quietly yet clearly.
Tony opened the door and walked quietly down the steps until he sat down close beside Stephen. He didn’t say anything, but he wrapped his arm around Stephen’s back, pulling himself close into his side. Tony’s arm felt comforting around him, warm against his cold body, which had started shivering, other than his hands, which were burning up.
“I’m sorry you had to see that. I thought I could do it, but I failed. Usually it’s much more impressive,” Stephen admitted quietly, rubbing his hands together.
“Strange, that was amazing. Don’t even try to tell me otherwise. What you did there, you were so powerful. Changing it from summer to fall couldn’t be easy, but then seeing your power turn the leaves from alive to dead, I can’t lie to you, it was terrifying.”
Strange looked up at Stark’s brown eyes, mildly concerned. “I’m sorry.”
“No, I didn’t mean it as a bad thing. It was amazing, and beautiful.” Stark said, gently reaching for Stephen’s hand. He started to pull away, but then allowed Stark to carefully take his hands into his.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Always.”
“I’ve had a hard time figuring out who I am without my hands. Figuring out who I am without being a surgeon. When I messed up today… it felt, I don’t know… like a reminder of how I can’t do things like everyone else. Can’t butter my toast without tearing it to pieces. Can’t crack an egg without shattering it. Can’t pet a cat without it flinching away at first from my heavy hands. I’m not who I was before.” He sighed, and Tony began to delicately run the tips of his fingers over the pink scars on his hands. The pads of his fingers were soft, now that he was retired from being Iron Man.
“I don’t care who you were before. I care about who you are now. We’re both a bit damaged, that doesn’t mean we can’t try,” Tony said, angling himself to face Stephen.
“I don’t know if I’m worth it for you, I guess is what I’m trying to say,” Stephen’s voice caught in his throat. “I don’t think I can be a good partner to you, an adequate lover, like this. Tony, you’re so goddamn handsome and I’m just falling apart. You saw me, I couldn’t even help stop that beast. Couldn’t even protect you.”
“Stephen.”
“I’m coming off as weak and that’s not the person you thought you were getting,” he reached into his pocket and pulled out the enchanted golden bracelet. It glittered in the setting sun, the gold shimmering and the runes lighting up, matching the orange sky. “Anyway, this is for you. To protect you. I should have given it to you earlier. You had no idea how fucking scared I was Tony. I have faced Dormammu more times than I could count. I’ve faced all sorts of enemies. But without my magic working and you standing there in the crowd, that was the most afraid I had been in a long time. And don’t think that I think of you as helpless, because I know you are a strong man who can stand his ground, but I still worry about you. I mean, I know this is all new between us, but I don’t want to lose you.”
Tony looked down at the shining bracelet. This was the first gift that either of them had given each other before. Strange sat, silent, waiting and hoping for approval.
“It’s lovely, Strange, I love it,” he slid it onto his wrist and it lit up brightly. Tony leaned into Stephen, wrapping his arms around him. “And don’t you dare say you’re falling apart. We’ve both been through a lot and we’re stronger because of it. You’re a doctor and I’ve shown you the scans of my heart. You don’t see me claiming that I can’t love you just because my heart is broken.”
Tony then realized what he had said and went silent. He started to fidget with the bracelet on his wrist. Stephen didn’t say anything, but he felt the black hole within him stop writhing, and begin to fade.
“Okay. Yeah, you heard me. I’m not going to take it back because we’ve both been through enough loss to know it’s important to say it when you mean it.”
Stephen quietly placed a hard kiss onto the top of Tony’s head, feeling the dark brown hair tickle his face. “That means a lot to hear that from you.” His heart was beating so fast, he was trying to figure out how to get the strength to get those words out of his mouth. He rubbed Tony’s back, feeling the soft fabric of his jacket slide under his palms. “I… I love you too, Stark. I know this is fast, but you’re right. It’s better to say it when you mean it than to lose the chance to say it at all.”
Tony pulled back from Stephen, looking into his eyes, his lips parted slightly in shock. He took one of Stephen’s hands and placed it on his chest, he could feel the slight indent from where the arc reactor had sat, holding Stark’s life together. Although Stephen hadn’t even seen Stark shirtless at this point of the relationship, he deeply longed to see the similarities between the two of them, to see the deep scars that made Tony who he is now. Tony held Strange’s shaking hand against his chest for a minute, and the trembles began to stop as Strange started to feel more certain about himself.
He had a partner, someone who cared for him and saw him and didn’t doubt him. Someone who didn’t mind the trauma that he had been through, and who didn’t shame him when he was vulnerable. Maybe his hands weren’t a burden, because now he felt Tony’s heart beat beneath them. If he had lost them, he wouldn’t have the chance to feel that, the soft thumping of that broken heart, still beating through scars and keeping the man he loved alive.
“I’ll be okay,” said Stephen, leaning his head onto Tony’s shoulder.
“Yes, you will,” Tony said.
Stephen took a deep breath. “Can I kiss you?” He wanted to make sure Tony was okay with it, Tony had been used and disrespected by many partners but he didn’t want to be like that. Didn’t want to just be another person who hurt Tony Stark.
“Yeah,” he said quietly.
Stephen lifted his head from Tony’s shoulder and softly placed his hand on Tony’s cheek, rubbing his thumb over the sideburn that extended from his hairline. Tony leaned his face into Stephen’s rough palm. Stephen started by kissing Tony’s cheek, just hesitantly and lightly.
“I haven’t done this in a while, you know that,” Stephen whispered against his skin.
“I’m not going to judge you. I’d never judge you.”
He kissed down Tony’s cheek and then paused for a breath before pressing his lips against the other man’s. This was the 26th time they’d kissed each other on the lips. And today was the first time they’d said they loved each other. Stephen started to feel anxious again, and started to pull away. They were moving too fast, and he was going to mess things up again.
But Tony just looked up at him expectantly, then turned his face slightly to kiss the heavy hand on his face, which had started to shake a little bit. Stephen started to self-consciously pull away.
“It’s okay, I don’t mind. It’s just part of our story, part of what brought us together.”
Strange smiled, then cleared his throat. “Should we go back to the others, for the feast?” He started to stand up and helped Tony to his feet.
“You know I won’t say no to that,” replied Tony.
They started to walk down the hallway back towards the main courtyard. Strange reached for Tony’s hand, who then glanced up at the taller man with a small smile.
“Thanks for inviting me here.”
“Of course.”
Stephen looked down at the shining bracelet on Tony’s wrist and felt some pride and some comfort in seeing it there, protecting him. “Thanks for supporting me.”
“That’s what I’m here for, genius.”
Tony stopped walking just outside of the courtyard and pulled Stephen towards him. He buried his face into the orange robes. Some dead leaves blew over their feet, but the voices in the courtyard were joyous. No one cared that Stephen had accidentally messed up the spell. All of the sorcerers were just happy to be together.
Stephen rubbed his face into Tony’s hair, breathing in the smell of him, remembering what Tony had said. Part of our story, part of what brought us together.
He kissed the top of the shorter man’s head.
He knew in his heart that this was just the start of their journey together. Neither of them were perfect, but they were both trying their best. He was just lucky that, between all of the multiverses he had travelled through, that he was in this one, and holding Tony Stark, and safe, and in love. Through all his hardships, Stephen Strange realized how lucky he was.