I never had the courage of my convictions as long as danger is near
3 years ago.
Agatha awakens as she feels Nicky shuffle in his bed, almost pushing her off the small toddler bed. She looked at the time and saw that it was a quarter to 10pm. She groans as she puts a hand on her forehead, realising that Wanda was probably already home and there was no dinner on the table as she had accidently fallen asleep with Nicky as she tried to put him to bed.
She couldn’t be upset. She would never waste a night doing something else than being with her son. Agatha would do everything she can for Nicky if he’d ask. The most important thing for her was for Nicky to grow up in a loving and supportive home. Years before adopting him, she had always wanted to become a mother. Once Agatha’s age reached closer to her 40s, she grew tired of waiting for someone else when Nicky had already been waiting for her.
The mother slowly climbed out of her son’s bed, carefully unwrapping his arms around her waist. She pulled up his superhero covers up to his shoulders and kissed him lightly on his nose. Agatha kneeled down and looked at him endearingly, running her hand through his hair before exiting the room quietly.
Most of Agatha’s friends thought she was either crazy or brave. Some of her friends couldn’t fathom the idea of having a kid, while some thought of her as brave to decide not to wait any longer for a partner before she adopted. Not that it mattered, anyway. Agatha met Wanda months later after Nicky became her son.
Agatha enters the space of the living room and sees her wife sitting down on the couch, nervously bouncing her knee. Wanda saw her and smiled tiredly at her wife.
“Have you eaten yet?” Agatha asked, sitting down on the couch and facing her wife. She reached down to grab Wanda’s hand to play with it like she usually does when they’re alone.
“Not yet,” Wanda said without eye contact.
Before Agatha could ask what Wanda wanted to order for dinner, she heard a sniffle come out of her wife. “Wait,” Agatha said, softly grabbing Wanda’s face in both of her hands. She looks at her and sees her eyes are red and watery. “Have you been crying?” Agatha asks softly.
Wanda grabs Agatha’s wrists gently and directs them away from her face. “We need to talk,”
Agatha felt nervous. Out of being together for almost 6 years, never once did Wanda stop Agatha from holding her in any way. “About?”
“Us.”
“Okay,” Agatha ran her hands through her hair. “What about us?”
Just as she was about to start the conversation, Wanda started crying. Agatha wanted to do nothing more than to wipe her wife’s tears from her face. She feared that if she tried, Wanda would just turn away. Instead, Agatha settles for handing her the tissue box which was on the middle of their coffee table.
“Thanks,” Wanda says, taking out a tissue. Agatha smiles softly and rubs her wife’s back, trying her best to console Wanda without overstepping.
“What’s going on?” Agatha asks her.
“I got an offer,” Wanda starts. “Well, more than an offer. I got a role. A big one.”
Agatha’s face lights up. Ever since she met Wanda, the actress wanted nothing more than to get her big break. Most of the roles she’s gotten so far are ones that have involved her only to be a side character. In the moment, Agatha couldn’t come to a conclusion why Wanda would be crying over it. Unless it wasn’t the reason she was crying.
“Well, that’s great! I’m happy for you,” Agatha said, meaning every word.
“Agatha,” Wanda started, wiping her tears and gaining composure to say whatever was coming next. “This role is going to be big for me. And whatever I have, by default, is also yours. We’re married. That’s what that means, right?”
Agatha nodded, letting Wanda continue.
“I know how much you value your life right now and how you love it just the way it is. I don’t want to be the person that disrupts that for you. I want Nicky to grow up and go to school without being followed by the same people that will follow me around. I want you to be able to go grocery shopping because I know how meticulous you are about Friday night dinners and your home cooked meals. I don’t want you to compromise any part of your life for mine,” Wanda finished.
Agatha did not know what to say. For one, Wanda was right about everything. There is nothing about her life that Agatha wanted to change. There was nothing that was forcing itself as a threat to her or Nicky. At the same time, the life that Agatha doesn’t want to change involves Wanda in it.
“Wanda, the life of mine that you had just described includes you too. Why are you talking about it like you’re not in it?” Agatha wonders.
“How can I? Once the company releases me as a part of the cast, everything will change,” Wanda says.
“Then let it,” Agatha says almost begging, clinching onto the part of her life that was trying to leave right now.
Wanda sighed. “Agatha, you don’t mean that. I don’t want you to resent me.”
That's why she's leaving?
“That’s why you’re leaving?” Agatha raised her voice slightly. “You’re leaving so I don’t resent you? How about you stay so I don’t resent you?!”
“Agatha, calm down,” Wanda says, reaching for her wife’s hand. “This is the easiest solution I can think of.”
Agatha retracts her hand away from Wanda. “Don’t tell me to calm down when you’re the reason I’m not,” Agatha warns. “And easy? Since when did a marriage mean only one person deciding for the both of us? All the decisions you’ve made without me today? That is not the marriage you vowed to me!”
“Agatha, please,” Wanda begged. Never did she think Agatha could be so mad. “I didn’t want to hurt you so I didn’t make you pick. Please understand where I’m coming from.”
“So your logic is that you think it would hurt me to decide my future?” Agatha scoffs. “Come on Wanda, at least come up with a better excuse.”
“I’m not trying to come up with an excuse. You’ve always said to me that you love the privacy you have in your life right now. I don’t want to be selfish and take that away just because I wanted this role. You always knew I was looking for it. Now you’re mad because you married me, knowing full well that I was always going to pick something else over you,” Wanda defended herself.
“Does this feel good to you?” Agatha said in disbelief.
“What?” Wanda said, confused.
Agatha looked defeated. “A moment ago, you were crying for the both of us and now you’re telling me, ‘I told you so.’”
“Which one of us started yelling?” Wanda said calmly like she was mocking her. “I’m just trying to get you to hear me out because you’re not listening to me. This was all going smoothly at first until you got mad. And you know why I think you got mad in the first place?” Wanda was testing Agatha and she had no plans on fighting back. At least, not anymore.
“I really don’t want to hear it, Wanda.”
“No. You need to. You’re mad that the one doubt you had about being with me is what’s causing all of this right now. You should’ve known it never would have worked. I was always going to be famous and you were always going to be opposed to it. It’s on you for ignoring your instinct,” Wanda rambled.
“You’re blaming me for saying ‘yes’ to marrying you?” Agatha asked in a soft voice. The kind of voice that was almost a whisper, one that barely made a sound.
This was torture for Agatha. An hour ago, all she wanted was to eat dinner and enjoy her evening with her wife. Now, she doesn’t even wanna sleep under the same roof as Wanda.
“I may be the one that got down on my knee but I was never, throughout the course of this marriage, in denial that this exact thing would happen,” Wanda said blankly.
Agatha shook her head and laughed out of pity for herself. “You married me,” Agatha paused while her voice cracked. “Knowing that you were always going to break it off once you got your big role?”
If Wanda didn’t mean her vows, what was the wedding for? What are the rings that were still on their fingers for? What was all of it for if they are going to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow, pretending like the other doesn’t exist?
Everything started seeming pointless to Agatha that what Wanda was saying had started making sense. Even if Agatha never felt like that in the beginning, maybe Wanda was right. She ignored something and now she’s paying the price. If everything she believed for the past 5 years had only been Wanda, why wouldn’t Agatha believe her for one last time tonight?
“Fine,” Agatha said reluctantly. “Fine. It’s my fault. It's all my fault.”
The both of them sat in silence asking themselves what just happened.
“I’m sorry,” Wanda apologised as she stood up, putting on a jacket.
“I’m sorry too,” Agatha said, wanting to fill the silence with something. Anything.
“I’ll sleep somewhere else tonight. I’ll come back tomorrow to get my things.”
As Agatha heard the front door open and shut, she let herself break down. She hated how Wanda left easily. Like they were just dating casually. Like it was just a one-night stand. Maybe for Wanda, it had always been like that. If she had always been telling herself that she could always just leave when she gets a big role, then that explains how fast she left.
The one good thing about that night was that none of the screaming had woken up Nicky. Not that he remembers Wanda that well, anyways. Most of his memories of her were when he was 3. Everything seemed blurry to him and Agatha wants to keep it that way.
Present.
Finally, it was Saturday morning and Agatha could finally spend her entire day with her son after a hectic week. It has been a while since she and Nicky had bonded ever since he started kindergarten. She has loved him for all his life but Agatha did not like that she was beginning to know what it feels like to miss him.
“Mama, your phone is buzzing a lot,” Nicky said as he chewed through waffles.
Agatha looks at her son and then to her phone, “I know, baby. I can’t answer right now though because Mama’s doing dishes. See?” Agatha holds up a plate with foam dripping down into the sink. “Do you want to read the name of who’s texting me?”
She had no idea why her phone would be buzzing right now. Agatha has all her social media apps on her phone silenced, as well as most of her contacts. The only ones that she would receive notifications from were if it was from a close friend, through an email, or an unknown number.
Nicky turns the phone faced up. “Mama, it’s a number.”
“What does it say, baby?”
“Hi Agatha,” Nicky reads. “It’s Rio,” Agatha’s eyes widened. “I hope I’m not bothering you. Just wanted to make sure I got the right number. You did give me the right number, right? Haha.”
Agatha chuckles at how Nicky read the ‘haha’ in a monotone voice. She took a break from doing the dishes and washed her hands. She made her way to the kitchen table and gave Nicky a kiss on his forehead. “You’re getting good at reading, my love.”
Nicky smiled and frowned shortly after. “Reading is okay but I want to try new things, Mama. The teacher at school always plays a song on the guitar before we go home everyday. Can you buy me one please?”
“Is that where you want to go today? A guitar shop?” Agatha asks.
“Can we?” Nicky asked excitedly. “I’m going to dress up!”
Agatha laughs at her son’s enthusiasm before her phone catches her attention once more with another vibrate.
Unknown number: If you don’t respond, I’m going to call
Agatha surrenders.
Yes, Rio. You have my number
Rio: Aw man. Really wish I just called
I’m actually spending the day with my son so I’m quite busy
Rio: Can I call you when you’re less busy?
Maybe
Rio: When can I meet him btw?
We haven’t even had our first date yet
Rio: Do you want access to my schedule? You can pick the time
?And the place
Rio: Whatever you want, Agatha :)
Agatha was typing out a reply before Nicky called out for her from his room. “Mama! I can’t reach my jacket. Can you come here?”
Son’s calling me. I’ll let you know soon
Rio: Take your time, I’ll be here
Agatha sighs, hoping she doesn’t regret any of her choices of giving Rio a green light for a date.
-
“Is there a specific color or type that you want?” The sales associate asks Rio as she picks out a guitar for her Saturday Night Live segment tonight.
“Not really,” Rio shrugs as she runs her hand through the strings of a shiny, black acoustic guitar with patterns of dark green highlights.
As soon as she said that, she felt a hard slap on her shoulder.
“She’s kidding,” Jen says. “She needs an electric guitar. Preferably a grey one.”
“I do?” Rio asks.
“Seriously, Rio. Do you even know what song you’re performing?” Jen asks, annoyed.
“Why did you even ask me to come if you’re the one picking out the guitar?” Rio questioned her manager. She could be sleeping in right now. Or better, texting Agatha.
“That’s a good point,” Jen contemplated. “Yeah, go home. I’ll see you at the SNL set tonight. Don’t be late!” Jen yelled as Rio was already making her way out of the store. She started her car and drove home, happy to be texting Agatha soon.
As Rio drives off and leaves an empty parking space, Agatha pulls up and takes the same space, not knowing the car that left was Rio’s. “Are you excited Nicky?” She asks as she looks back through the rear-view mirror.
Nicky smiled as he saw the glass display of the store, flashing expensive-looking guitars. “Yeah! Can I have one of the big ones?”
“We’ll see what the person that sells the guitar says, okay? Mama doesn’t know a lot about instruments to know which one you can play,” Agatha tells her son as she takes his hand, guiding him inside the store.
Agatha looks around for someone that could help her pick a guitar for her son as Nicky runs to where the acoustic guitars are. He stands in the middle of the aisle, turning his body 360, making sure he doesn’t miss a glance at each guitar.
The 6-year-old walks to the end of the shelf and sees a shiny, black acoustic guitar that catches his eyes, compelling him to gravitate towards it. It had faint, dark green shadowing running through the fretboard, reaching the head of the guitar. He touches the instrument and picks at the string gently to make a small sound.
“Careful, Nicky,” Agatha says, putting her hands on his shoulders, guiding him a few steps back. “Do you like that one?”
“Yeah. This is the one I want,” Nicky replies.
“Why that one? Did you look at any of the other guitars?” Agatha asks invitingly.
“This one,” Nicky says, pointing excitedly to the guitar that neither the mother nor the son knew Rio had been touching earlier. “I want this one.”
Agatha crouches down to meet her son’s eyes. “Why that one, baby?”
Before Nicky can answer his mother back, someone else calls for her. “Agatha?”
They both turn their heads and Agatha sees a familiar face.
“Hey!” Agatha greets. “You’re Rio’s manager, right?”
Jen scoffs playfully. “I honestly wish I wasn’t.” Agatha laughs. “You just missed her. Well, I guess I should say she just missed you. Oh, I can’t wait to shove this in her face.”
Agatha chuckles as she observes Jen thinking out loud. “Yes, please tell her how she just missed me,” Agatha says as she looks down at the guitar case in Jen’s hand. “Is that for Rio?”
“Yes! It’s the one she’s going to use tonight,” Jen says, smiling while tapping the guitar case.
“What’s tonight?”
“Rio’s going to be performing on SNL tonight. You should watch!” Jen offers. Agatha considers the invite before her son creeps up on them.
“Hi, I’m Nicky,” Nicky introduces himself, reaching out his hand for Jen to shake.
“Hi, I’m Jen. Oh, he’s so cute,” Jen says towards Agatha as she takes Nicky’s hand. Jen looks back at Nicky, “Did you find that black guitar awesome?”
“Yeah! I love the green color, too.”
“Interesting choice,” Jen smirks.
“Hm?” Agatha raised her eyebrows.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” Jen felt like she was pulling some strings, knowing that it had also caught Rio’s eyes earlier. She contemplates telling Agatha or not. “You should get it for him. It seems like he has good taste,” Jen says, directing her response at the mother.
Like someone else Jen knew.
“I might as well,” Agatha pursed her lip while looking at her son. “It seems like he won’t be changing his mind anytime soon. Do you mind watching Nicky for a second? I’ll just ask the cashier if they have a smaller or a kid’s sized guitar in that color.”
“Yeah, sure, no problem. Go ahead,” Jen said as Agatha disappeared into the store.
“You know who Rio is?” Nicky looks up at Jen.
Jen grins at Nicky. “Do you know who Rio is?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “She was texting my mom earlier.”
Jen smirks, thrilled to have something to tease Rio with. “I’ll just let your mom tell you who Rio is, then. Is that okay?”
“Is Rio nice?” Nicky questioned. Jen’s heart softened as it felt like Nicky was asking her for reassurance.
“Yes. She is very nice. She plays the guitar, too. She likes the same guitar that you liked,” Jen adds.
“Do you think Rio can teach me how to play?” Nicky begs.
“Oh, I don’t know, I’m not Rio!” Jen jokes. “Ask your mom and maybe she could set you and Rio up for guitar lessons.”
“How much is it?”
Jen laughs. “You know what, Rio is so nice that I’d bet she’d do it for free!”
“Really?” Nicky says, his voice getting high-pitched as he gets excited. “Okay, I like Rio now if she’ll give me guitar lessons for free.”
“I’ll be sure to tell her,” Jen responds.
-
Once Agatha and Nicky get home, Nicky kicks off his shoes and goes in front of the TV. Agatha found it adorable that not even an hour of owning a guitar and he’s already forgotten about it. She picks up both of his shoes on different sides of the entrance and puts them aside.
The mother feels her phone vibrate in the back of her pocket and sees another text from Rio.
Rio: So apparently, I’m giving someone named Nicky free guitar lessons now?
?How did you know his name
Rio: A more important question is how did Jen meet him before I did?
Maybe if you had helped your manager a little more, maybe you would have gotten to meet him, idk
Rio: Okay. Fair.
?What time are you getting ready for SNL
Rio: Are you going to watch me?
?Excited
Rio: ecstatic, actually.
...So about that date
Rio: Can’t back out now!!
I wasn’t going to. Just wanted to tell you we can go out Monday if you’re not busy
Rio: Absolutely not! You have my entire day.
?Do you ever stop flirting
Rio: I don’t think I have an off button. You can look for yourself if you want ;)
:) Okay… this is the part in the conversation where I leave you on read now. Good luck at SNL, I’ll be watching
Rio: Thank you :) I’ll mouth your name after my performance to give you something to look forward to <3
Agatha put her phone back in her back pocket and spent the rest of the day cleaning their home with a smile plastered all over her face.
-
After Agatha tucked Nicky in for the night, she went straight to the couch and flipped through channels until she reached SNL. She waited patiently throughout the whole show, waiting for Rio’s performance to start.
Once it did, Agatha could only focus on Rio and her voice. She may have given a glance to Rio’s fingers and the way they plucked the strings of the guitar, but aside from that she couldn’t take her eyes off of the singer. The way she closed her eyes as she tried to focus on the lyrics to the way she held onto the microphone as she focused on her vocals. Everything about Rio was electrifying.
And as promised, Rio mouthed ‘Agatha’ to the camera after her performance. Agatha smiled in appreciation, realising that it has been a while since she’s felt everything Rio had been making her feel.