Bye
At that, Clay sprinted from the room, hoping to cover up the crime of the attempted shooting. He didn't want the police to find out. The last time the police were supposed to get involved no-one was charged for the crime of Hannah killing herself - surely justice would be Hannah going to prison??? The police were useless, unable to do a simple resurrection. Sure everyone had seen Yuki, but he hoped everyone would stay quiet about it. Yuki didn't deserve to go to prison. It didn't matter that he had tried to kill a bunch of people. What did matter was that Yuki was the VICTIM here. If only no one had hurt his feelings, then none of this would have happened. The only people at fault here are the ex-Oxbridge students. Why couldn't all the Oxbridge students be nice like Yuki? Then they wouldn't have had to be exterminated.
Of course an intelligent being would recognise this to be a pile of bullshit, but Clay was not, indeed, very intelligent. In actuality he wasn’t even Knottingham standard, but he’d gotten in on extenuating circumstances due to his hallucination disorder.
He was yet to figure out that it was indeed a disorder, and his therapist Ayato had resigned from his position due to his idiocy. He was the best therapist but alas he was too good for Clay.
Clay called his father, Caitlyn Jenner.
“Daddy, I need your lawyer. I know you committed that manslaughter that time and no one did anything to you.”
“What did you do,” Caitlin said. “I’m in the middle of writing a book about Kris Jenner, after our divorce my sources of income have really dried up. I had assumed that being a female Kar-Jenner would help but no one wants me, which is why I decided to come and reacquaint myself with you, my son who I abandoned for the Kardashians. Regardless, goodbye.”
Meanwhile, the students were very confused.
“Yuki, homicide? Really?” Sanji yawned. “At least kill someone, jeez. We all have.”
Yuki cried, tears were present. That ridiculous human, Clay Jenner!!!!!!!!!!
Clay Jenner decided to swallow the gun to cover up the evidence. If he choked and died it would be no loss. And he could see Hannah Baker again in the afterlife! Yosano helped to shove the gun down. She enjoyed seeing the shaft bulge through his throat. She smirked, seeing him choke and struggle, a drip of spittle running down his chin, his eyes rolled back to his head in pleasure as he moaned.
Yuno yeeted onto Sanji, she was one of the very few women that Sanji didn’t find attractive, Sanji yeeted her and thus the yeet wars began. Kunikida summoned a pair of scissors using his notebook and handed it to his centaur mans, who galloped on over and cut off all of Yuno’s hair.
“Yuno, you know you look like a boy now???” Yuki said angeely. He too would have to fight, he pulled out his future diary. But the Great Luffini had somehow switched the phone for a block of styrofoam without Yuki noticing. If only he had had some way to foresee this!!!!!! A way of telling the future!!!
Meanwhile other students did other things. The ginger twins yeeted themselves towards the other ginger twins, Hikaru yeeting out the pair of scissors that Kunikida had kindly bestowed onto the scene and grabbed the man who looked remarkably like himself and his brother, jumping onto his back and pulling his head back with a hand fisted into his hair.
“George!” Either Fred or Kauro shouted, it was impossible to say which, they both looked so similar and had the same voice and of course the same uniform on.
Kaoru would not allow this, he would not allow someone to speak so loudly to Hikaru. Did the disgusting little ginger fellow have no idea how much shouting affected his brother??? It was selfish, Kaoru wished Yuki had yeeted that bullet into the man’s chest. In an instant he rushed forward and tackled the ginger man to the ground as Hikaru wrestled with George’s head, trying to get a good grasp of it while holding the scissors. His legs were wrapped around his torso from behind and Feorge tried to buck him off, but Hikaru’s grip was unrelenting. He realised that the only way to still the mans was slight axphyxiation, just enough to put him asleep, not enough to cause permanent damage. Permanent damage wouldn’t matter anyway, Hikaru had seen in this bois stars that the death of the other ginger boi would cause enough of that damage. He would rather let him fall apart entirely over that, there was no need to start his unravelling prematurely.
Kaoru looked over, having successfully pinned Fred to the ground with the heels of his hands crushing his shoulders into the cardboard flooring, and spotted Hikaru. The boi’s hands were bloody, pair of heavy metal scissors between his teeth, and from the distance Kaurou saw a lump of flesh in his brother’s hand.
George was cowered on the floor, fetal position, cupping the side of his head and wailing.
Later, when Hikaru and Kaoru returned to Oxbridge, they would hand the Great Luffini George’s mangled ear, preserved perfectly in a jar. Luffini would test the ear and tell the bois with excited jubilation that whoever’s ear it was, they were brothers. A strong, sickly feeling of jealousy would stop the boyos from ever confronting this information. Thankfully, the renowned therapist Ayato would be there to help them sort through their confusing emotions: jealousy, guilt; emotions heavily impacted when Fred finally passed on to Pokkle’s lair.
Edward crept from the shadows from the corner of the dance floor. He had loomed there, ominously, watching the young girls. Like a moth to the flame.
Out of the corner of his eye he spotted the fabled dragons.
Zeno stood watching the scene unfold, unfazed. This was not the most ferocious battle he had seen in the 2000 years (give or take) of his life, and he reckoned he would see a fair few more in the future. Therefore he was munching away on Inosuke's pig products, enjoiing the show.
Inosuke himself was squealing with pleasure and lept in the fray, tackling Naruto who was standing in the corner trying to look cool like Sasuke. He was even wearing sunglasses (INDOORS!). Not even Sasuke was doing that.
Edward stalked toward his prey, licking his lips. His movements were soft and graceful, like a swan. But the look in his eyes were that of a predator. A hawk. Or even a lion. A tiger maybe?
Atsushi the tiger himself was trying to protect his boyo Sebastian, who was on his 300th glass of red wine. He was tired of being surrounded by these pathetic humans. His mind was preoccupied by the new demon king.
Edward pranced forwards, hoping to grab the young supple flesh of the girl, Yona. Just as he was about to strike, Zeno lept in front, using his body as a shield. Edward was very upset about this. VERY upset. All he wanted were young girls. He wanted to watch them sleep. That is all. He would only touch them if they got married. Marriage was very important to him. Only once they had exchanged vows would he make love to these young girls, which he did often. He was currently married to 13 raisins. He kept them in his basement where he lived at home with his vampire parents. Of course these were not real raisins, but anime pillows. They were the only thing that brought joy to his life.
Edward was v upset that someone had gotten in the way of him watching a young girl, it was immoral, barbaric, he was being stripped of a basic human right. He was ofc a vampire so this did not count which was sad reacc. Edward wanted to be the only immortal, how dare someone be able to exceed the limits of age so the women they watched were over 2000 yrs younger than them. Edward was v jealous of Zeno for being 2000 years old he wanted to be the oldest, it would surely make his pervertedness more satisfying. Of this he was sure, so he would have to murder the immortal Zeno. If only he wasn’t immortal this would be much easier but Edward had learnt a trick from this boi he once watched bc he thought he was a girl, the bois name was Gon and his friendo (no homo, absolutely ZERO homos) Killua did this THING.
He thrust his hand (that's right, his thumb and all four fingers) through his chest. The sharpened nails pierced through the flesh, sliding between the ribcage. His fingers rapped around the flesh, the heart, the soul of the very being, and gripped firmly. The smell of blood reached Edward's nose, that sweet copper tang, and pushed him into a frenzy. With full force he ripped the heart clean out, holding it aloft above his head. The blood dripped down his arm and onto his face, like rain on a hot summer's day. Edward stuck his long, wet tongue out, catching the drops and savouring their sweet taste. It was childish he knew, but he just couldn't resist.
At first Zeno had been confident, but the moment his heart left his body he made a small noise, like he had come to realisation. This was actually a big deal. Not only had Edward taken his heart, but he had taken with his very life force. His creamy essence.
Zeno dropped to his knees, and looked up at the man that penetrated him so violently.
Edward sneered, then kicked him in the gut. The force was so forceful that Zeno's stomach ripped only. From only one kick! Zeno moaned in pain, and started clutching at his organs, trying to stop them from spilling out. But he knew it was in vain, for he could feel himself growing weaker. The blood continued to spill out. His body isn't healing. He took one last breath, then fell limp to the floor. Dead. Finally. It was safe to say that Zeno was actually quite happy about the whole ordeal, for it meant now he could finally rest. He had been released from his duty.
“Goddamn, he killed Zeno with one kick!” Shin-ah yelled. No one had ever heard him yell before so this was a big deal. Unfortunately no one was around to hear it. Jae-ha had already moved the princess Yona to a safe space (the back of his car) and they were making out passionately.
Zoro took advantage of the ensuing chaos to make his way across to his target. He had been planning this for a while now. He did not usually think things through or make ‘plans’. It was a waste of time, and really, he couldn’t normally manage to think of plans either. Normally, he just acted on his killer instincts. But this was different. This was personal. When he thought of this person, his blood boiled. Hak. The bloody Lightning Beast. His eyes met with Haks. Hak looked at him readily, whispering ‘Lightning Beast! Lightning Beast! Lightning Beast!’ all the while, with a disgusting, yet handsome, smirk on his face. For his genius plan, he had already asked the Great Luffini to summon his third sword for him (left behind for the sake of formality). Luffini had done this with a simple wave of his hands, not needing any of that Summoning Charm bs those noobs at Hogwarts were taught. Zoro slowly strolled over, as if in a trance, his hands gripping his three swords. ‘Three Sword Style to the face’ he thought dreamily.
Hak smiled calmly at the approaching Zoro. Unfortunately for him, he had misjudged this encounter entirely. He was convinced Zoro had finally accepted him as the Greatest Warrior. Clearly Zoro wanted to train with him. Perhaps with some experience and guidance, even an amteur like Zoro could become a rival worthy of the Lightning Beast. And then perhaps with some extra encouragement Zoro would even accept him as his lover (though Hak daren’t think this far ahead).
He opened his arms in welcome, which was not very smart to do given what happened next. In one move, too swift for the human eye to envision, Zoro had slashed Hak across the chest with one of his swords. The second sword slashed him across the face. The third sword was used to stab him right through the neck.
‘Now,’ said Zoro, breathing heavily, eyes glinting with bloodlust, body shaking with the exhilaration of murder, ‘now there will be no one but I with this elite, sultry, sexy voice.”
From afar, Atsushi had spotted Zoro as he made his way across the hall to Hak, and he had seen the brutal mutilation of Hak as well. He couldn’t help but feel a bit upset about this meaningless death. After all, Hak had had the same voice as Zoro. It only made sense for him to be sad about the loss of such a manly, gorgeous, voice.
Levi sighed. He hated cleaning up after riots. Regardless, his eyes met Zoro’s. “Thanks… buddy,” he said slowly, meaningfully. He had been waiting for the day when a strong enough warrior would come and teach Hak a lesson, Yona’s cousin had gotten too pretentious.
Zoro sheathed his swords. He looked at the janitor, eyes welling with tears. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to Zoro. He nodded silently, gripping the handle of one of his swords and trying to calm his beating heart. He had never had anyone support him so, NEVER. People only saw him as a piece of meat (by people he of course meant all of the semi-people animal people).
Kenji started screaming. He had been on his phone, checking up on the family Whatsapp chat (they had been struggling to maintain the farm after Pokkle caused that famine by swapping all the seeds out for pebbles right before harvest), and had only just looked up. Of course he was worried for his family and their business and their livelihood, though Kenji had seen in one of his last astronomy lessons at Oxbridge that two men, handcuffed together by a red string of fate, would somehow bring the farm back to its former glory.
He had been so engrossed in his family’s worries that he didn’t notice the riot. Of course he didn't want to kill anyone besides Kyoka, Kaneky, Mikasa, Marco, and a couple of other people. He had never imagined to see an immortal killed!!!
“ZENO...IS DEAD!!!!” KENJI SCREAMED “I CAN'T BELIEVE IT I JUST CAN'T beLIEVE IT”
“Yo better belieb it,” Edward smirked, “Do you have any sexy sisters I can watch, I wont have sex with them until I marri them, pinky promise.”
Shin-ah was upset because no one heard him shout but everyone heard Kenji which was quite upsetting. Everyone turned and looked at Kenji, whose straw hat was lopsided (also upsetting).
“I SHAN’T ALLOW SOMEONE TO HAVE STRONG LEGS, FIGHT ME,” Sanji demanded of Edward, “I SHALL BRUTALISE YOU TO THE GRAVE!!!”
“I am ONE KIK MAN, I SHALL YEET YOU!” Edward's appearance had changed dramatically in the past minute. By killing Zeno and stealing his life force, he had finally tapped into that hidden potential that stayed buried deep inside of him. Just like how he wanted to be buried deep into the wet moist ground, if you catch my drift. As a consequence, his muscles were now bulging through his clothes, his sexy khaki shorts ripped open, his round buttocks bouncing with every movement, straining to be free from the constricting fabric. If he were to have sex with anyone now he would surely kill them, no doubt about it, which is of course v upsetting. His hair had fallen out in clumps and layed scattered around him. In response to his new power he grabbed Nekozawa’s cape and tied it around his neck. It was slightly too tight and restricted his breathing, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy that.
Everyone gasped in shock, they had never seen Nekozawa’s face and the boi was v v v v v v v beautiful. He started screaming, the light attacking his paper-thin skin. One Kick Man was coming to kill him too, if only Soma was here to protect him, he was his Agni after all. Nekozawa fell to his knees and scrambled for Edward’s abandoned hair, picking up the clumps and sticking them onto his face with his saliva, trying his best to cover his skin and stop it from burning up.
“Gee, I wish I had a shirt to give you or something man, but…” Ace motioned to his bare chest, expression troubled.
The teachers were all watching the dance/riot via video chat. Fukazawa nodded in pride, he was so proud of Ace. Ranpo was holding up his phone showing the teachers the best angle, just in time to see Dazai throw Tamaki’s whole body at Mikasa. He was trying to turn Tamaki straight again and simultaneously prevent incest, a just cause if there ever was one. Mikasa ducked athletically, she was worth 100 soldiers after all. If she couldn't duck this much then what kind of soldier would she be?
“If only we had Atsushi’s fur coat,” Dazai said blandly while watching Nekozawa struggle, even though he was wearing three layers including a calf-length trench coat.
“No,” Levi said in response to Sanji and Edward, making everyone forget about Nekozawa's predicament.
Everyone turned to Levi, who was already mopping up the ear with a reddened mop. It was only smearing the blood everywhere but in due time Marco would piss on the floor again and that’s probs be enough liquid to get the stains out. Cardboard was notorious for being difficult to clean liquids from.
“Yes captain,” Zoro saluted the janitor. “I shall obey your every command.”
Chopper cowered in jealousy, staring at the bandana-wearing mongrel.
Edward, spooked by the authority this young man had over the masses, decided to flee. He gripped the edge of his cloak, hissed like a horse, and sprinted from the dance. It was very graceful, as one would expect from an all powerful and now immortal vampire. What will he use his new found power for? What will come of Edward, the perverted immortal vampire? And why was Firenze licking his juicy lips while watching Edward run away? Read on to find out what happens next,,,