When James had broken him out of the raft, Baron Zemo was just happy he wasn’t going to have to deal with daily electric shocks for a little while. He was excited to feel the sun on his face for the first time in nearly a decade, to actually be able to walk around, to spend money on things, to drink a decent tea and eat an actual meal… To cook. God, Zemo loved cooking. But of course, all good things must end.
And of course Samuel and James didn’t have a safe house, and of course when he asked they both looked at him. He did say he was rich, after all. But James won’t share a hotel room, and Samuel wants somewhere more permanent to lay low. And of course they’re right down the street from his old apartment but…
See, losing your entire country, plotting revenge, and destroying the Avengers doesn’t exactly give you a lot of time to heal. And well… once the baron was set on his plan, it’s not like he had the thought to perhaps ask Oeznik to clean the place.
He knows the second he walks into that apartment, he’s going to be met with his past. With his family- or what’s left of them. What they left behind… Carl’s toys are going to line the floor along the lounge wall, his shampoo covered in cartoon robots is going to be perfectly placed in the bathroom cabinet, the posters he dreamt about as he slept are still going to be on the wall of the room he used as his bedroom… Heike’s heirloom cooking utensils are still going to be in the kitchen drawers, her dresses and shoes are going to be in the bedroom closet- I mean, the apartment was more hers than it was his. She picked it, she decorated it- every inch of that home is haunted by her. And by God is he going to see her ghost around every corner he turns.
He can’t agree to let them stay, but if he doesn’t it will just cast suspicion on him. “It’s not like you’re using it.” James will say and he’s right. Zemo isn’t using it, Zemo only thought of the place once he was alone in solitary confinement with nothing else to think about to keep him sane. He knows that Iron Man suit is sitting on the carpet, half taken apart because the last time they left the apartment Carl was in the middle of playing with it when they told him it was time to go.
“Put it down, Mäuschen, we have to go.” Zemo had told him, setting a suitcase by the door. “You can play with it more when we come back.” He had ruffled his kids' hair then. Carl had smiled that giant goofy smile and him and all but thrown the toy to wrap his arms around his dad’s legs.
“Will you play with me then, papa?” Carl had asked. Zemo had laughed and picked him up.
“Of course, Mäuschen. We’ll play your museum game.” He had answered, and Carl had wrapped his little arms around his neck and stayed there until Heike pried him off with a laugh to strap him into the carseat.
“He’s always been a daddy’s boy.” She had said once they were buckled into the front seat. He grinned when he looked in the rearview, Carl was already dozing off. Heike had kissed him on the cheek as they drove off.
It’s not like he planned to ever come back. The King of Wakanda had really put a dent in his future plans when he stopped that bullet. And once he was arrested he couldn’t tell Oeznik to…
What? Sell everything? Donate it all? Send the last remnants of his family sprawling across the world? No. He shakes his head, realizing James has asked him a question and instead of answering he’s stood there with a blank expression and staring at the floor.
“He asked you what the address of the apartment is.” Samuel says, not even looking up from his own phone. Samuel has been dreadfully stressed, Zemo can tell. Something more than the Flag Smashers is bothering the pair. He looks over at James who is glaring at him. Zemo tells him the address and after a couple taps on his phone, James starts walking. Samuel follows, and only once they’re feet ahead of him Zemo realizes he can’t get his legs to move.
It’s really happening. He’s going back to that apartment. He’s going to have to look that Iron Man toy in the face after everything he did. He’s going to have to walk past Heike’s favorite dress to get to his clothes in the back that probably don’t even fit anymore. He’s going to feel the ghost of their presence and therefore have to feel the seeping and overwhelming disappointment they feel towards him from the afterlife. Because there’s no way they feel anything else towards him after everything he’s done.
His child’s ghost now knows his father is a killer. His child’s ghost probably watched him kill all the people he stepped on to achieve that plan. His wife’s ghost probably had to step in to cover the little apparition's eyes, still trying to preserve the innocence he had already lost when his father wasn’t there to protect him from war. From the very war he had told him was miles away, the war that wouldn’t touch them in the safety of the Zemo family home.
Zemo wasn’t there to protect his own family in his own house from the war on his own country. He was a soldier, a dad, a husband- his very job was to protect and in every sense of the word he had failed miserably and now he had to move his family’s belongings aside to make room for the friends of the men that killed them.
Zemo?” He looks up, Samuel and James are staring again, he looks back down. He should know better than to be emotional in front of anyone. All it ever earned him in the raft was a shock through the collar. But there’s no way his heart rate is going back down.
“Apologies.” He says, blinking hard and finally moving to catch up with them even though his legs feel numb. “Just thinking.” He says as he walks past them, trying not to pay attention to the fact he’s walking past Heike’s favorite coffee shop in the area. Or the store Carl got his first “big boy” book at. He’s faintly aware James and Samuel are following him now. He can’t falter, they’ll know something is wrong.
But if he can stall… He could get in touch with Oeznik and ask him to move everything so he doesn’t have to see it. He opens his mouth to suggest coffee to James and Samuel but the words get stuck. Where would they go?? The closest place, which he knows the two men saw, is Heike’s favorite. He can’t go there, not without her. That would upset her.
He keeps his mouth shut, telling himself it will be fine.
He knows it’s not fine when suddenly- as if he only blinked and they teleported- they’re standing outside the apartment door.
His hands are shaking. He can feel the buzz of electricity in his veins through his arm. His whole body is shaking, his eyes are burning, his legs are numb, and any second he’s going to collapse to his knees with wracking sobs-
“Well?” He snaps out of his thoughts. James is looking between him, the door, and the key Zemo is holding in his very clearly shaking hand. When did he take his hand out of his pocket?
“You okay, man?” Samuel asks. Zemo looks at him, working hard to keep his face neutral. By the look Samuel gives him back his efforts worked. Zemo takes a deep breath and slides the key into the lock. Nobody mentions how it took more than one try because his hand is nearly vibrating. The lock clicks and Zemo’s ear ring. He puts his gloved hand on the handle, he’s still wearing the Raft guard’s uniform for God’s sake! He can’t go in there looking like this, Heike will ask questions and make that sad face she does when she realizes he’s had to fight someone. She’ll usher Carl out of the room, and walk him to the bathroom to clean him up and patch his wounds but her face won’t change and she’ll be rethinking who she married and-
“Hey.” Samuel’s hand is on his own. Zemo jerks his arm back before thinking and Samuel jerks with it clearly startled. They both stare at each other for a second, even James looks concerned and that’s far worse. “I’m not going to act like I can’t see you shaking. Or how fast you’re breathing. We don’t have to stay here.” Samuel says. But they do. He’s not emotional, they don’t get to see him be emotional.
“I can find a hotel.” James says, pulling his phone out. Zemo shakes his head.
“Nonsense, we are already here.” He waves them off with a twitchy hand, he can hear the strain in his voice. James can too, Zemo sees the face he makes.
Zemo pushes the door open maybe a little too forcefully.
The stopper stops it from hitting the wall, thankfully. Samuel peeks inside first, James next, but Helmut doesn’t move.
He can see the backdrop of the kitchen and is met with the memory of baking cookies for Santa. Carl sitting on the counter- not without an amused shake of the head from his mom- and Heike dancing around with a bowl of batter, singing along to the Christmas song playing.
He sees the couch next and thinks of how Heike would all but fall into his arms after putting Carl to bed for the night. How they would snuggle into the soft couch, with a blanket and cups of “Helmut’s Famous Tea” as she would call it. How Heike would pick a show or movie and they would lay there and watch it until she fell asleep. How he would leave the mugs of tea to sit on the table until the morning in favor of carrying his sleeping wife to bed.
His hands. He can’t feel his hands. He can’t feel his legs but God at the same time he’s feeling everything. Years of untouched emotions come rushing back to him, because he will never let a Raft guard catch him crying. That will be the day an attempt isn’t an attempt but a success. Even then, he won’t let himself think of his family in such a horrible place as that prison. Their memories shouldn’t be tarnished like that- he can’t risk calling their spirits to that cell. To any cell.
Oh, if King T’Challa just hadn’t stopped that bullet.
Samuel is looking at him again, through the doorway. From the kitchen. Samuel Wilson, The Falcon, is standing in his kitchen. Carl would faint.
“You’re pale.” Samuel tells him from the kitchen. Zemo nods shortly.
“Of course I am, Samuel. I have been in a cell without sunlight for nearly a decade.” He responds sharply, quietly cursing himself for admitting that to a room where his son and wife might be standing.
Does Carl know his father is a high security national threat? Does his wife know her husband murdered the king of a nation? Do they care?
“About what?” James asks him, they exchange a glance. Zemo said that out loud, he shakes his head and steps into the apartment.
Finally able to see around the couch, he sees the red of an Iron Man toy. The ringing comes back to his ears. Looking up and away to seal away the tears, he’s met with Samuel holding up one of Heike’s spoons.
“Should’ve known a fancy baron would have engraved utensils.” Samuel says, rolling his eyes.
Zemo stops breathing as his world goes black.