Amends
Faith didn’t know where to find Buffy’s friends, which was a tempting reason to not find them at all. She was only staying for a few more days. Why did she have to reveal herself? Why put herself through that?
She went to Buffy’s house with the intent to follow either Buffy or Dawn to wherever their new Scooby headquarters were. It felt creepy, like something she would have been doing back when she was bad, but what other choice did she have? Well, she supposed that she could always ask Buffy or Dawn to call a Scooby meeting, but honsetly she felt more comfortable stalking.
To her surprise, it seemed like the house at Revello Drive actually was the Scoobies’ new hideout, or at least one of them. After lurking around the house for a while, she spotted Xander and the blonde she only vaguely recognized walking up to the house, only to be ushered in by Willow. Which meant that she didn’t need to follow anyone anywhere.
Both relieved and dreading the upcoming conversation, Faith approached the door. This was a mistake. She should turn and run before it was too late. She should go all the way back to Cleveland. Her legs felt like they were shaking. Why did it have to be so hard to make amends?
She raised a fist to knock on the door. This was her last chance to back out. But she had made it this far, and even though her arm shook with every knock, she was determined not to turn back. She had broken out of prison, lived alone for months in Cleveland without friends or family or even a Watcher. She could do this.
The door swung open. A curvy blonde woman (why was everyone in this stupid town blonde?) opened the door, a soft, faintly confused expression on her face. It quickly died, bleeding into shock and horror as she saw Faith at the door.
“Willow!” she called, not taking her eyes off of Faith. She didn't look scared, but she did look concerned and a little alarmed. Faith stuck her hands in her pocket, trying to look as unthreatening as possible. She had purposefully not brought any weapons (at least not any they could see) to prove that she wasn’t there to hurt them. She had been hoping that if she came in acting as innocent and harmless as possible, things would go more smoothly. Apparently, she had been wrong.
Willow came to the door, a similar expression crossing her face when she looked at Faith. She reached for the door, ostensibly to close it, and Faith stuck her foot in the doorway.
“Wait.”
Apparently the others either heard her voice or heard the commotion and came to investigate, because soon Xander and his girlfriend were also standing at the door, Xander with arms crossed and a dark expression on his face, and the girlfriend looking confused and a little bit annoyed.
“I get that you’re all mad at me,” Faith said awkwardly. She wasn’t really sure what else to say, and no one else was talking. Xander scoffed.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Faith.” he said sarcastically. “What could we possibly have to be mad at you about?”
“Oh! Maybe that she tried to kill Buffy, and then stole her body and tried to kill her again?” his girlfriend chimed in.
“Thank you, honey.” Xander muttered. He turned back to Faith, eyes narrowed. “You need to leave.”
“I didn’t come here to hurt anyone,” Faith told him, holding her hands up placatingly.
“You’ve already done that.” Willow chimed in coldly. Faith thought dimly that this was one of her worst nightmares, being condemned and rebuffed even when she was trying to make amends, trying to be genuine and vulnerable. She could practically feel herself shrinking under their hateful gazes, but Willow’s girlfriend--what was her name again?--suddenly softened, giving her a sympathetic look. Faith remembered the girl, remembered saying some pretty horrible things to her, but she didn’t seem to hold a grudge. In fairness, what Faith had done to her was much less bad than what she had done to Buffy, Xander, and Willow.
Nonetheless, Willow’s girlfriend seemed to recognize what Faith was trying to do, because she stepped aside. “Why don’t you come in?” she asked quietly.
“Tara-” Willow protested in a low voice, but Tara waved her off. “You can sit over there,” she said, pointing to a chair in the living room. Unsure of what else to do, Faith followed Tara into the house, and took a seat on the chair.
The house looked the same as when she had last been in it. Eerily so. Faith felt like the ghosts of her past were haunting her in here. She swallowed as the other three people uncomfortably shuffled into the living room where Tara and Faith were already sitting. Xander’s girlfriend sat. Willow and Xander didn’t, instead choosing to stand over Faith with their arms crossed. Faith looked up at them, feeling very exposed. Now she wished she had brought weapons.
“What do you want, Faith?” Willow finally asked, her voice hard. “Are you here to kill Buffy again? Because I’m not gonna let that happen.”
“I’m not here to kill anyone.” Faith replied, keeping her voice as flat and steady as she could.
Xander scoffed again. “Yeah, right. The past three years it’s been nothing but kill Buffy, hurt Buffy, steal Buffy’s body, and now you’re what? Better?”
“I’m trying to be.” Faith muttered, pointedly not meeting the eyes of her interrogators. “I don’t buy it.” Xander said.
“Crazy people don’t usually stop being crazy.” Xander’s girlfriend remarked from the couch, and Xander nodded in affirmation. Faith winced. Was that all she was to them? The crazy Slayer? She supposed she had burned away her right to be remembered fondly when she had betrayed them, but they had been… something like friends, a long time ago. Or at least, she had thought they were friends. It was becoming increasingly evident that no one in this room cared about her at all.
“I was angry,” Faith began, still not looking up from where her gaze had settled on her lap, “And hurt. I took it out on Buffy, and on you guys. I’m sorry.”
It was her first real apology, and somewhere deep down under the fear and discomfort, Faith felt a faint sense of pride.
“Nice apology. Now try saying it while looking us in the eyes.”
“Xander.” said Tara reproachfully. “She’s trying.”
“No, she’s not.” Willow shook her head forcefully. “This is another trick, some twisted way to get us to let our guard down so she can capture us, or something. We saw her at the cemetery a few days ago! She tried to stop us from bringing Buffy back from Hell. She still wants Buffy dead, and we all know it. We can’t fall for her lies.”
“I didn’t try to stop Buffy’s resurrection because I want her dead.” Faith snapped, anger suddenly overtaking her. It had always been her favorite crutch. “I didn’t even want to come back to this stupid town. But I got a fuckin’ Slayer dream telling me that B was coming back and that I had to stop it, because something really bad was going to happen if she got brought back.”
Willow gestured around the house. “And look at that! Nothing bad happened. So either you’re lying, or your subconscious is lying to you.”
“It wasn’t my fucking subconscious. How would I even know you planned to bring Buffy back? It was one of those stupid prophetic dreams, and I was trying to be a good Slayer for once in my life, so I came here to stop it. But it’s not like before, okay? I didn’t kill Buffy. I didn’t hurt her. There’s a big difference between killing someone and makin’ sure they stay dead.”
Xander and Willow looked unconvinced, though Faith thought she might have an ally in Tara. Xander’s mysterious girlfriend looked more thoughtful than anything. Willow opened her mouth, probably to argue more, but before she did they were interrupted.
“What the hell is going on?” demanded Buffy, standing at the foot of the stairs with her arms crossed. Everyone else in the room started, clearly unaware that Buffy had been standing there.
Buffy scanned the room, eyebrows lifting slightly when she saw Faith. “What are you doing here?” she asked coldly. Faith noted to herself that Buffy’s new reaction to Faith was to just be mean, which was a huge improvement over trying to kill her.
“I came to...” Faith trailed off, suddenly feeling embarrassed about what she had come for. What did she think was going to happen? That she was going to get welcomed back with open arms? That anyone would even care? She had spent enough time inserting herself into their business. This was a stupid idea.
“Came to what?” Buffy prompted.
An awkward silence fell over the room as Faith shifted uncomfortably in her chair, trying to find the courage to admit to Buffy that she was trying to make things right. Xander's girlfriend--Anya, that was her name!--piped up from the couch, "She said she came to apologize. Xander and Willow don't believe her. Tara does."
Buffy turned, giving Faith a long, assessing look. Then, she walked into the living room, took a seat, and gestured for Faith to go on.
“Look,” Faith began, because all eyes were on her and she couldn't take the silence anymore, “I know I haven’t been the best person to you guys. But I’m trying to change, you know. Be a better person and all that crap. And a good person would come and say they were sorry for what I did, to Buffy and to all of you guys.”
She looked up. Buffy was looking at her expectantly. Faith swallowed, took a deep breath, and waited a minute for the words to unstick themselves from her throat. “I’m sorry.” she finally got out, her words a bit breathless. “For everything.”
“Even trying to keep Buffy from coming back?” Willow asked suspiciously.
Buffy herself looked a little surprised at that, and cocked her head at Faith, her expression earnestly curious.
“Yes,” Faith said, finding that words of apology came much easier if she didn’t mean them, “That too. Probably should have trusted that the witch knows better, huh?”
Buffy’s face fell. It was only for a second, too quick for anyone else in the room to notice but Faith. She looked away. Willow, seemingly mollified, turned to Tara.
“Well, that’s settled.” she said cheerfully. Faith wondered if anyone else in the room got a headache from how quickly Willow seemed to switch tracks.
“So, what now?” asked Faith. She had never apologized to anyone before, not like this.
“You leave.” Xander said, his voice hard but not quite as angry as it had been before. Now that the apologizing and mushy emotional stuff was over, Faith was glad for the chance to get out. She was not looking forward to the prospect of a morning sitting in a dead woman’s living room, waiting to be judged by Buffy’s morally superior friends.
She got up, and as she walked towards the door, spotted Buffy on the couch, looking small and sad, like a shell of her former self. Faith glanced at the others to see if they seemed to recognize that, but no one else was even paying attention to Buffy. It hit Faith then how ignorant of her pain her friends were. How isolating that must feel. She knew the feeling well.
As Faith approached the door to the Summers home, she paused and glanced around. Willow and Tara were walking towards the kitchen. Xander had sat down next to Anya and was talking to her about something. Buffy was sitting alone at the couch, staring down at her hands folded in her lap.
“B,” said Faith quietly, soft enough that only someone with senses like theirs could hear it. Buffy’s head moved slightly towards the door, but she was smart enough not to react otherwise.
“Just so you know, I was lying when I said sorry for tryin’ to stop you from coming back. You deserved better. You still do.”
As Faith turned back towards the door, she could have sworn she spotted tears in Buffy’s eyes. She moved to open the door, and heard a sudden, “Wait!”
The whole house froze. When Faith was younger, she had always been jealous of how everyone else in Buffy’s life seemed to revolve around her. But what was a solar system without a sun? It was no surprise that her friends had ripped away her peace to get their own back.
“Giles is coming back tomorrow.” Buffy told her as Faith paused at the door. She didn’t turn around. She was too scared to see what Buffy’s face looked like now.
“That’s great for him.” Faith honestly hadn’t even known he left.
“He’ll be here tomorrow night. You should talk to him.”
Faith turned her head slightly towards Buffy. “Why?”
“He’s good at… at the redemption stuff. Better than me. Not as good as Angel, but with him in LA…”
“Right.” Faith hadn’t spoken to Angel since before Buffy had died. She thought she should probably call him or something soon. Tell him the good news.
“I mean, Giles could help you. If you’re going to stay.”
“Only for a few days, B.” Faith said in response to the silent question in Buffy's words. As she spoke, she stared steadfastly at the doorknob she was gripping in her hands, absolutely refusing to look Buffy in the eyes. “I can drop by soul-boy’s place on my way back to Cleveland.”
“You owe him an apology, too.” Buffy said pointedly. Faith knew she wasn’t talking about Angel. With a sigh that probably only Buffy could hear, Faith hung her head in defeat. Christ, this apology gig really did suck, didn’t it?
“Fine.” She clenched her jaw, gripping the doorknob tighter. “I’ll come back morning after next. Sound good?”
“Good.” Buffy sounded strangely pleased, but Faith didn’t bother looking at her before opening the door and walking out. One thing she had forgotten about hanging with Buffy and her crew: emotions. Everyone Buffy liked to hang out with was always talking about emotions, how things made them feel. Fuck, Faith had lived in a prison with nothing but troubled women for two years, and hadn’t dealt with as much emotion as she had in three days here. Utterly exhausted and thinking longingly of her life back in Cleveland, Faith headed back to the motel.