Tony hadn’t been doing very well. He was struggling. Well, that’s what everyone else was saying when they thought he wasn’t listening, anyways.
And maybe they were right. He hadn’t been okay, not since he got back to Earth, not since the dusting, not since the fucking spaceship landed in the middle of Central Park. No, Tony was not doing well.
That didn’t mean he had to sit and endure the whispers and judgmental looks and the awkward silences. He just couldn’t. Not now. Not when Peter-
It had been embarrassing when he’d broken down in the middle of the conference room in front of everyone and since then he had been locked in his lab for a week straight, complete and total blackout, nobody but Rhodey and Pepper in or out. They were smart enough to leave him alone, only coming in to bring him food or just sit in silence.
He knew it wasn’t fair to them, locking them out. He knew that they were mourning him too, mourning all of them but he just… couldn’t. Not yet. Thankfully, his family was amazing and knew exactly what he needed, even if he didn’t acknowledge it or thank them very often
He just couldn’t exist in his own home peacefully anymore, not with reminders of his child around every corner. He was in the shoes messily left by the elevator door and the report card on the fridge. Tony was painfully reminded of the absence of Peter in the textbooks on the coffee table and the deserted bedroom clearly decorated for a teenage boy. No he couldn’t be there, not with all of the pictures, and lego’s, and star wars posters, and the stupid MIT sweater that Pete had loved to steal. It was hard enough being in his lab, his eyes constantly drawn to the corner of the room he had completely redesigned for one boy in mind. He had yet to touch anything in that area of the lab, and he wouldn’t.
Still, he stayed in his lab and resolutely ignored the fact that the Avengers were just a few floors away from him. Not that he was very successful, not with them constantly bombarding Friday with requests to see him that steadily went ignored.
And oh, they were all there. The original Avengers, if you will. Cracked and broken and filled with toxic waste, but present and alive.
He couldn’t stand it, them. Them invading his home as though they had every right to be there. He wanted them out. Fuck, he just wanted everything to go back to how it was a month and a half ago. When things were good and he was happy.
When he finally built up the nerve to actually leave his lab, admittedly just to grab a coffee, he wasn’t expecting everyone to be in the kitchen. His kitchen. He tensed when the conversation fell to an abrupt halt the second he stepped through the doors.
And by everyone, he meant everyone. Steve, Natasha, Clint, Bruce, Thor. All there, all staring at him expectantly. Like he was somehow supposed to miraculously fix what had happened. And sure he was smart but he knew when he was beat. And beat he was.
Pepper and Rhodey watched him worriedly from their seats at the dining table, but neither made a move as Tony painstakingly walked forward and made his way to the coffee machine.
He could see the worry in their eyes, their hearts fully on their sleeves, but somehow it was just as bad as the expectancy from the other side.
“Look who finally decided to join us!” Clint spat out from his spot on the kitchen counter. “Tony fucking Stark in the flesh.”
Tony held back a flinch as he passed by the archer and his assassin pet, both watching him with shrewd narrowed eyes. He could practically feel the judgment suffocating him and he wanted to scream.
“That’s me.” Is what he mumbled instead, as he stood in front of the spitting and groaning espresso machine. He didn’t want to talk to them. He didn’t want to listen to their complaints and pretend he cared. No, he just wanted his boy.
“Tony-“ Steve spoke up, tone laced with familiar disappointment and Tony couldn’t help but scoff out loud. What right did he have, to live in his home, to eat his food, and talk down to him as though he’s some sort of child.
“No.” Tony bit out, no patience for the man in red and blue.
At the harsh word, the kitchen fell silent once more and he could see Rhodey standing up from the corner of his eye, the mechanical whirring of his braces echoing through Tony’s ears. Reminding him of one of his many other failures.
Refilling his mug to the rim, he went to leave the room but faltered in his steps at the sound of a bitter, mocking laugh.
Clint stared at Tony with dead eyes. “Go run off and hide like you always do Stark. Not that I’m really sure what you’re whining over. You still have everything, your perfect pretty life and what? You wanna cry about it? How about you get off your ass and do something for those of us that actually lost someone.” The man spat brutally, his words ringing harshly in Tony’s ears. Funnily enough, it felt a little like being slammed in the chest with Roger’s shield, those words.
Pepper shot up from her seat, joining Rhodey in hovering over Tony like he might just explode. Would he? He kind of felt like he might.
Your perfect pretty life.
Cry about it.
How about you get off your ass and do something for those of us that actually lost someone?
-for those of us that actually lost someone.
-actually lost someone.
“Actually lost someone?!” Tony spat incredulously, venom lacing his words. “Shut the fuck up Barton. You have no idea who- what I’ve-“ he choked on the words “-lost.“
“Oh please. Pepper’s still here! So’s Rhodes and Hogan. Enlighten me, oh Great Iron Man. Who’d ya lose, huh?? Because me, me, I’ve lost everything! My whole family, my wife, my-my children! And you’ve just been sitting around moping in your lab because…? Cause from where I’m sitting your life’s looking pretty shiny and untouched to me.” Clint snapped back, throwing Natasha’s arm away when she attempted to… comfort him? Stop him? Tony didn’t know, nor did he particularly care.
“Guys-“ Steve tried again, ever the peacemaker.
“Shut up Rogers.” Tony bit out, practically hissing the words.
”Come on, Stark. Give him a break-“ Natasha started, looking pained as she did.
Tony sighed heavily and swallowed a scream“All of you just shut up!” He spun around, slamming his mug on the counter with a distinct clang. He ignored the hot sting of the sticky liquid as it spilled onto his hand. He aimed his ire right back at Barton. “Don’t speak of things you don’t understand.” He said, enunciating the words slowly. His heart was pounding in his chest and his hands began to shake. He pretended not to feel the sting of tears in his eyes. Tony would not cry. Not in front of them.
“What don’t I understand? Huh? What is it?!” Clint persisted, hopping off the counter and stalking towards him with feline grace.
“I- I-“ Tony scrunched up his face as he tried to calm his breathing.
Thor was watching the scene with a look of mild interest that made Tony want to punch the god.
Bruce looked worried, speaking up for the first time, though not helping much. “Guys maybe you should just let him go.”
“No!” Clint shouted, a hand cutting through the air sharply. He sneered down at Tony with anger and disgust. “I want to know why he’s acting so pathetic!”
“You- you-“ Tony swallowed down bile. This was- he didn’t even know how to describe what he was feeling. Sadness and anger and hurt and disgust and humiliation.
Barton was right, he was being pathetic but he thought he had a very justified reason for that, thank you very much!
Pepper had come to stand behind him and he let himself lean into her warmth for strength. Finally after a few seconds of silence, the only thing he could do was tell the truth. “I lost- I lost Peter!” He spat, the name feeling like ash on his tongue. “I- he was my kid, my kid, and I lost him! So you don’t get to talk about my life! You don’t get to talk about anything! Not when- not-“ -when Peter was gone. When he was dead. Fuck.
There’s was a stunned silence as his words settled over the group, Clint taking an actual step back in his shock. No one said a word and the silence was tense, but it felt so, so loud for far too long.
Then Friday spoke up, her voice hesitant. “Peter Protocal: “Tony called me his kid again” Activated. Count: 1,683.” Her robotic tone stated, sounding more mechanical than he usually heard from her. Then another clip played over the speakers. “Love you too, Dad!” Came Peter’s giggling voice before the silence came once more.
And then Tony was- he was- bursting into laughter and tears simultaneously. The ache at hearing his child’s voice mixed with the timing of the announcement, it broke him. Before he knew it, he was on his knees, sobbing dramatically into his hands. Practically heaving as he tried desperately to get words out. It didn’t work. He had forgotten that Peter had created that silly little protocol, and allowed himself to smile a little at the admittedly large count, especially for the short two years Tony had known the Spiderling.
He was surprised and flinched back when a hand gently settled on his arm and he looked up into the now sympathetic face of Clint Barton. He looked extremely remorseful, though it didn’t take away the sting. Tony would never be able to look at Clint the same way, not after this.
“I’m so sorry, Tony.” He whispered, words only for Tony and not for the interlopers watching them. Dad to Dad.
“I just really miss him.” Tony hiccuped, leaning back into Pepper’s legs and meeting the archer’s understanding gaze. He supposed if anyone would understand how he was feeling, it would be Barton. Losing a child… it was… it was.
“Yeah.” Clint breathed out, eyes screwing shut in obvious pain. He squeezed Tony’s forearm once before folding himself back into a standing position. “I know.”