The room was dead silent as they filed in, one by one. Each dropped their gear in a pile, bloodied footsteps scattered across the manor all in different directions. Not one word was muttered among the lot. Stifled sobs had stopped long ago. The air was rich with tension, stifling and hot and filling Charles’s lungs. He knew he should go upstairs, get some rest and recover before speaking to the team, but he didn’t have it in him. He couldn’t face the comforts of his own space, knowing that Sooraya wouldn’t be able to return to hers. She hadn’t been there long at all, but her laughter had been contagious. Her smile had been bright and her jokes fit seamlessly in conversation. Impossible to not get along with, that was how Charles had described her to Erik.
She wasn’t in her room tonight. She wouldn’t ever be again. The realization was just about enough for Charles to double over, gasping for air as his hands tightened over his face.
He wasn’t made for this. He had no idea what he was doing. He just wanted to save the children that they had been warned about. He was so scared about them suffering all alone. Trafficking, that was what they were doing to the kids.
He should have called someone. Anyone who knew what they were doing. The Avengers often ignored his requests, but even they must surely have done something with so many children on the line. There were people who handled these kinds of things. He wasn’t thinking. He should have called the police, the FBI, somebody. Surely they would have still helped even knowing they were mutants. Maybe he could have fibbed, said he didn’t know if they had powers or not. It wouldn’t be the worst thing.
It would have been better.
He’d been so foolish, thinking that this would be a simple mission. The X Men wanted so so badly to help their world, he had really thought that this would be a training-wheels style trip. He always figured he could intervene if things got out of control. He hadn’t expected this.
Sooraya hadn’t been able to control herself. Her own past slammed into Charles’s mind with full force and by the time he had thrown his mental shields up she was just… gone. She’d sprinted, full force, at the captors with no strategy in mind. Her dust-powers allowed her to swirl into a cloudlike dust storm, and kept her from being hit by their bullets, but just as she started to come back together into a person one of them had fired a bullet straight through her abdomen.
Charles had ended that battle as quickly as he could. He rarely used his powers so much in a mission like that. He felt it was important to allow people to make their own choices. Not this time. They got the kids out, and she was loaded onto their plane instantly but it was clear they were too late. She’d been cold and limp.
He held her hand until they had landed, and he quickly called the paramedics, although he knew that nothing could be done. She’d died the instant she had been hit pretty much, it had severed her sigmoid artery. Charles had felt her soul leave, her mind turning empty, and he had done everything in his power to push peace and reassurance at her. She would have died scared otherwise. Now she was alone as well, zipped in some bag in some hospital all by herself. Charles wished he had brought her back, but he wasn’t thinking clearly at the time.
Erik hadn’t come. He had been away when they got the initial call, and just barely arrived back before they left. It hadn’t made sense to bring him. Besides, Charles thought he would have everything under control. How naive he had been.
He didn’t hear Erik when he first entered the study. Charles didn’t even remember getting to the study. He was still dressed in a bullet proof vest -they had upgraded to black ones, thankfully- under his sweater. Had she been wearing one? Did it not work because she was in her dust form? Did she forget? Why didn’t he check everyone's gear before they got off?
The knock on the door was what startled Charles to the present, and he saw Eriks eyes held a weary knowledge.
“Your mission did not go well.” Erik stated bluntly. Charles hung his head. “I am deeply sorry-”
“Don’t.” Charles whispered. Erik was surprised, he could feel it coming in waves from the tense man in front of him. “Just… just don’t.”
“Charles…”
“I can’t do this.” Charles said, his voice just loud enough to be heard. “They need to hear from me. They need… I need to give them something.”
“You’re going to go out covered in blood?”
Erik’s observation made Charles startle dramatically. Erik walked over, picking up one of Charles’s hands in his and holding it out for inspection. Indeed, his hand past his wrist was coated in dried blood. Charles curled his fingers slightly, eyes meeting Erik’s as he blinked away tears.
“Come with me.” Erik said, gently pulling him. Charles went easily. Erik walked quickly, and Charles only barely seemed to steer his chair into the bathroom.
Charles sat, stunned silence filling the space. Erik looked him over, pale eyes devouring his wrecked face. Charles was slumped down in his chair, shoulders coming up towards his ears as his pulled his lip between his front teeth. He worried over it, blinking back tears. Erik grabbed a wet cloth, and began wiping away the dried blood. Charles bit down hard on his lip when he saw the water in their sink start to turn orange.
“Charlesyou’ve got to breathe.” Erik said after a moment. Charles furrowed his brow, before realizing Erik was right and he was holding his breath. He took a massive gulp in, and almost choked on a sob as he did so. “Oh Mayn Zisinke, I am here.”
Charles turned away, wanting to cover his face. His hands were still bloodied though, so instead he bit his lip and gulped down the sobs he wanted to wallow in. He blinked up at the ceiling, shaking his head.
“Charles?” Erik asked in the tone reserved only for moments of deep despair between them. “You can cry, it’s just me.”
“No, I need to keep it together.” his voice broke on together, and he batted his eyes again like it was helping anything. “For now.”
Erik sighed heavily. He knew exactly where Charles was going and he was not thrilled. “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
“Lucky us, I’m not a cup.” Charles said. Erik smirked just slightly at that, but he did have a unhappy glint in his eyes.
“Have you slept since the mission?” Erik asked. Charles shook his head. “You should-”
“I can’t rest in here while everyone is… they’re confused and hurting and grieving and scared. I can’t abandon them.”
“A few minutes rest is not-”
A loud banging at the door interrupted them and Erik and Charles both startled. Charles quickly dried his hands on a towel and raced to the door, Erik close behind him.
“Raven, what is it?” Charles asked. She was sobbing and shaking and just shook her head. Charles dug deep, pulling every ounce of strength he had left in him as he looked at her. “I need you to speak to me Ray, what's going on?”
He never called her that anymore, not since they were kids. She shook her head again and fell into him. He hugged her readily, smoothing a hand over her hair over and over while whispering to her assurances. She pulled back after a moment, wiping her nose on her shirt.
“Hank told me he didn’t know why I was upset, he said that I should have known people would die and I need to grow up.” She sobbed as she spoke, the words coming out frayed and heavy.
“I will go talk to Hank.” Erik muttered from behind Charles, drawing Ravens attention.
Charles felt his chest clench. As much as he wanted to tell Erik to not go, to let Hank express himself, he was always partial to protecting Raven, and was always a bit touchy about Hank with his sister. And Erik had quickly picked up Charles’s same protective nature, much to Ravens great annoyance. So instead of arguing he just spoke wearily.
“He is grieving too Erik, don’t be too harsh.” Charles said. Raven shook against him, and Charles pulled her in closer.
“Am I crazy for being sad?” Raven sobbed.
“No no darling, you’re not crazy not at all. He is just trying to make sense of everything, honest it has almost nothing to do with you.” Charles spoke in a rushed tone, desperate to reassure her. “I promise you dear, you’re handling this in a much healthier way than he is. Just… come see me perhaps and not him when you are upset.”
“I didn’t even want him to see me crying. I just wanted a snack and- oh God Charles her food, it’s still in the fridge.”
She’d picked out a cupcake to have when she came back, knowing how scared she was to leave in the first place. Said it was her reward. Charles wanted to be sick.
“I know Ray darling, I know.” Charles said, pulling her into a tight squeeze he held for a moment longer than he normally would. He let her go and tucked her hair behind her ear. “I am so sorry. Hank should have been kinder to you.”
“What are we supposed to do Charles?” She whispered, her eyes searching his. “When will it feel normal again.”
“Oh my love, it will be a long time I am afraid.” Charles said softly, squeezing her hand. “But you will get through it, you’re strong.”
“I don’t feel strong.” She all but whimpered, her hand raking through her hair.
“The strongest people never do.”
.
Charles’s hands were shaking as he put the water on. He had spent the night making arrangements for Sooraya to be brought back to the manor, and had spent the rest of the night talking Hank through his confusion. He didn’t seem to understand why everyone was so surprised by her death. Charles had to remind himself how caring Hank could be during conversations like that. Because it most definitely was not coming through. Now the sun was just peeking up over the trees outside and Charles couldn’t seem to get the stove to turn on. He fiddled with it for several minutes, glowering, before a hand on his shoulder made him jump.
“Oh bloody hell- good morning Erik.” Charles said, scowling over his shoulder. Erik gave him a lopsided smirk, reaching past him and turning one of the nobs. “How did that work for you?”
“You were turning them the wrong way.” Erik said. Charles blinked, watching the flames lick up the side of the kettle.
“Oh.” He said.
“Have you been to bed?” Erik asked, brows raised as he started his coffee. “You don’t normally seem to be up at this hour.”
And Charles hadn’t been to bed last night but Erik didn’t say that piece.
“Oh I got caught up with Hank and some paper work, I will go to bed early tonight.” Charles said. Erik’s dubious face was to much for Charles to handle, and he busied himself getting the tea set out. “Hank seems well.”
“Hank seems like a massive dick.” Erik said. Charles shot a glance over his shoulder.
“So do you.”
“I always do. Hank is doing a special feature.”
Charles laughed at that a little, shaking his head. “He is just as affected by this as everyone else, he is just trying to protect himself.”
“I’m sure.” Erik didn’t sound convinced, and he leaned against the counter as he took a sip of his coffee, still far too hot to reasonably be consumed.
Erik was about to press Charles, Charles could feel it, but luckily at that time Alex stumbled down into the kitchen, still in pajamas and bleary eyed.
“Good morning Alex.” Charles said with forced cheer. He hoped it sounded authentic. The side eye from Erik told him it did not. “How are you?”
“How do you think?” Alex said. His tone was surprisingly cold and Charles found himself swallowing the bile that rose in his throat.
Charles sat in silence for several minutes, letting the tea steep as he blew cold air over the top. After a few minutes Raven and then Hank joined them, all moving around each other in silence as they prepared their breakfasts. Raven grabbed a box of cookies to eat and had hovered at her chair for several seconds before sitting down. Hank had eggs and toast, while Alex had just toast. Erik didn’t eat before his runs. Charles never woke up in time for breakfast usually, so those two stuck with their caffeine of choice. Shawn had scurried down at some point and was eating a banana while sitting half on the counter. Charles would normally have asked him to sit with them, but he didn’t have it in him today.
It was heavy and quiet in the kitchen, and once everyone had settled, Charles cleared his throat slightly.
“Anyone have plans for the day?” Charles asked, avoiding Erik’s eyes. He knew the concern ridden disapproval that sat there.
No one spoke.
Charles didn’t know what to do. He felt his face burning. He couldn’t leave things so unresolved, so he swallowed the sick he felt filling his stomach and gave a tight lipped smile. “They have Sooraya’s ashes already, I didn’t think it would be done so quick. I am going to pick her up today if anyone would like to accompany me-”
Charles barely got the words out before Alex dropped his fork loudly on the plate. He had been cutting his toast into miniscule pieces, not swallowing any of them. Charles looked up at him, trying to keep his face calm as he felt the overwhelming swirl of his mind.
“Why are we acting like this is fucking normal?” Alex hissed. Charles bit his lip, watching him closely. “You fucking killed her and now we’re supposed to what? Act like everything is just fine?”
“She got herself killed. She was reckless.” Hank said before Charles could respond.
“Hank…” Charles’s tone held warning. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself before speaking, but Alex beat him to it.
“No she didn’t, the Professor never should have let her out there. She wasn’t ready, it’s like he wanted her dead.” Alex spoke with a frantic venom and Charles lifted his eyes to meet his.
“That’s quite enough.” Erik interrupted, his gaze sharp and angry. His hands were tight on his mug and Charles knew the clock was ticking before someone really exploded.
“No no Erik, what he is saying is fair.” Charles said. He didn’t meet anyone's eye, but he could feed indignation bubbling up in Raven and anger in Erik. Neither were happy with Alex right now, but Charles would be damned if Alex found that out. Everyone's feelings were so intense, he felt like he was drowning in them. “Alex I did rush into things, it was a foolish mistake.”
“A mistake?” He laughed without humor. “She’s fucking dead. A mistake is spilling a drink, you killed a girl.”
“Charles would never have taken her if he knew she would react like that.” Raven had apparently decided she was done biting her tongue.
“He’s a telepath he had to have known what she was planning,” Alex spat. “He just wanted to use her and then throw her aside.”
“How do you even know it was a plan?” Raven said with equal vitriol. “And do you really think between you and Sooraya he would have chosen to keep you and discard her?”
“That’s enough.” Charles said, trying to get control. Alex spoke over him.
“I think that’s exactly what he did. It’s not speculation if there is proof.”
Erik stood and the table fell silent. He gave Alex a pointed look, but did not speak a word. Instead, he just worked his way over to the sink and silently rinsed out his mug. His posture was rigid and Charles felt barely contained rage rolling off of him. Charles pounced on the chance to redirect.
“How about we put it aside and have a meeting about it later, and I can answer your questions?” Charles asked Alex. He sank down in his seat.
“Whatever.”
.
“Do you think she felt afraid when she died?”
Erik did not look up from the chess board with a bone deep exhaustion, giving Charles a look that made him feel like a petulant child. Erik captured Charles’s rook without comment before he met Charles’s eyes.
“I think that she probably was too focused on what she was doing to feel afraid before your mind caught her.” Erik said. It was a nice lie. Charles would love to believe it.
Charles ran a hand over his face, shaking his head.
“No, I don’t think so- Erik she was so scared when I was in her heads. I mean… primal fear. I’ve never felt that except in…” He bit himself hard to stop his sentence. Erik raised his eyebrows at Charles, and he looked away, ashamed at the name that almost left his tongue. “Sorry.”
“Shaw deserved a painful, frightening death.” Erik stated. Charles nodded. He sure as hell wasn’t about to argue. “But Sooraya did not. Which is why it’s good you were there. You eased it for her, if what you say is true.”
“Of course it’s true.” Charles said, exasperation heavy on his voice. “I just… I don’t understand how to make my mind forget the feeling of losing hers. It feels like all I can think about.”
“It will take a long time.” Erik said with a weathered confidence. “You care so much for all of them.”
Charles unwillingly teared up at that, leaning back and blinking frantically. He shook his head, his eyes meeting Eriks as he spoke with wavering confidence.
“I care for them, but I also failed them.”
“Oh come on, be reasonable. You didn’t fail them, you just couldn’t predict the future, which as far as I know is not one of your powers.” Erik said, looking down at the board. “Your move by the way.”
“Erik, I let her die.” The weight of the statement made Charles’s voice thick with emotion. He moved a pawn, threatening a bishop, before Erik immediately captured one of his knights. Apparently he’d fallen into exactly what Erik had hoped. Erik looked up as he grabbed the piece.
“You did not shoot her.” It was a statement Charles said to Erik frequently when he got into a spiral over his mothers death. Now Erik’s eyes held challenge as he sized Charles up, pushing him to disagree with the statement. When he did not, Erik pressed on. “You furthermore sacrificed your own sanity it seems so that she felt you with her when she died. You’ve done what you can. We have terrible jobs.”
“I suppose you’re right. I just thought I would be better at it.” Charles laughed at that, scrubbing his face as he moved a piece. Erik shot him a shark grin, sliding his queen forward. “It feels like it’s ruining me.”
“Checkmate.” Erik stood, offering a hand to Charles while Charles examined the board. “Being ruined by this job is what makes you the best at it.”
.
“Professor.”
Charles was sitting at his desk, hands shaking with exhaustion as he put a hand over the phone. The funeral home had asked Charles what he had wanted to do with her metal retainer and filling, and he had been so wildly unprepared for the question he had to choke back tears as he asked for it to be saved. They were asking him more logistics questions, but his study door had slammed open so violently that he startled back.
Shawn stood, breathless and agitated in front of him.
“I am terribly sorry, I believe I need to address something, may I please call you back later?” Charles asked softly. They gave their assurance that it was fine and he hung up.
“You need to come quick.” Shawn said.
“What’s the matter?” Charles asked, maneuvering around the desk. He was getting good at his chair.
“It’s Alex. He’s messing with Cerebro.”
That got Charles moving quickly. They raced through the manor, and Charles cursed the speed of the elevator as they descended to Cerebro. They needed a turbo button on the thing. His fingers tapped the wheel of his chair anxiously as the doors opened.
What he was met with made his breath catch. The front panel to access cerebro was entirely destroyed. A metal screw driver sat on the floor suspiciously nearby, and Alex was breathing like he’d just run a marathon. That was not, however, the most alarming part of what was going on.
“Erik put him down.” Charles yelled, wheeling quickly into the room. Erik shot Charles a disapproving look, but lowered Alex to the ground roughly. “What is going on here?”
“Oh we were just talking.”
Erik had that glimmer in his eyes that made Charles’s stomach tie into a knot. He glanced at Raven, who hovered anxiously in the corner. She looked like she had no idea what to do, her shoulders high and eyes flickering between the two pairs.
“I was just doing what no one here had the guts to do.” Alex spat out, rubbing his wrists and scowling at Erik.
“Shawn, Ray, would you give us a minute?” Charles said, hoping he had ironed the shake out of his tone. The old nickname slipped out, and he felt the surprise radiate off of Raven, mixed with bittersweet nostalgia.
“Charles…” Raven said softly. Charles gave her a reassuring nod, and her and Erik exchanged a meaningful glance before she grabbed Shawn’s arm and pulled him out with her. Charles was sure they just went around the corner, but it was something.
“I understand how you feel.” Charles said quietly. Alex reeled at him, bristling at his words.
“You don’t understand shit.” Alex hissed.
“I understand you are scared and you are confused and you’re hurt.” Charles said softly, rolling forward carefully, one arm outstretched like he was approaching a wounded animal.
Maybe he was.
Alex covered his ears and Erik took a step forward as well. Charles gave him a firm look. He didn’t want to scare the kid. He could practically taste the fear radiating from him. Sharp and cold. It wasn’t anger, but it was easy to mistake for it.
“No no no, you killed her. You’re the reason she’s dead. You can’t be trusted with this.” As he spoke he slammed his arm into the side of Cerebro’s entrance panel, leading to an array of sparks. Charles bit back a reminder to be careful. “You’re dangerous.”
“Alex, we all went into this naively, most of all me. I played a role I did, no one can deny that.” Charles said, his voice wavering. “But I promise you, I didn’t think she would do that. I thought she was ready. I see now how wrong I was. I would do anything to take it back.”
“Well you can’t. Because she’s dead.” Alex spat. “And you can’t change it. You’re going to do it again.” Charles couldn’t block out the thoughts in Alex’s mind. The constant chant.
You can’t change it. She is dead. You can’t save her. She is dead.
“Alex, I think you’ve made your point rather clear.” Erik said, taking a step forward and setting his jaw.
“How can you defend him?” Alex all but screeched at Erik. Erik blinked at the pitch. “He is a murderer.”
“I do well with murder.” Erik said coolly. “Charles does not.”
“Well he did just fine yesterday. He didn’t even stop the battle to check on her. He’s a fucking psychopath. He’s going to just keep throwing kids into battle and watching them die and then make fucking tea the next morning all chipper like he isn’t a fucking murderer.”
His words came out a hiss and he took a step towards Charles. Charles rolled backwards, not out of fear but in an attempt to de-escalate. It didn’t seem to do much. He knew that Alex was just reacting. Felt the pangs of regret as his words shot to kill.
“He’s faking it. He isn’t a real professor, he isn’t even a kindergarten teacher. He’s heartless and he’s stupid and I don’t know why we all act like he should be in charge of all of us like he isn’t some poser freak. You probably used your powers to make us trust you, huh?”
Charles was frozen, unsure of the best way to react. He tried to give a small smile, hoping that the gesture would ease the situation. It did not have the desired effect. Alex reeled back again, laughing in a hauntingly empty tone.
“You act like you’re saving the fucking world with us. Like we’re off to do some altruistic good where we are all equally risking out lives. But you don’t fight. You’re sitting back and watching us put ourselves in danger, you’re not saving shit.”
“Alex I know you are scared right now, but-” his voice didn’t even sound close to commanding.
“I’m not scared of shit. Don’t act like this is all about Sooraya, this is about your fucking ego. If you’re as powerful a mutant as everyone says, why didn’t you stop her from dying? Did you not care? Or are you not really all that?”
Charles took a deep breath. It was terrible to be able to feel how little Alex meant the words with how deep they cut. It was pain and fear, not anger or hatred. He knew he couldn’t react in like or it would blow up. Alex needed him to be steady now. He needed him to take it. So Charles paused everyone's mind and just breathed for several seconds. Maybe a minute. Maybe a few. But once he was done he felt the tension begin to seep from his shoulders, and was able to see Alex for what he was. A broken kid looking for someone to blame. As he eased their minds back to the present, Charles reached out a hand.
“I am sorry.” Charles said. “I am sorry for not protecting her. I am sorry for not protecting all of you. I let you risk your lives, and I should have been more careful.” He took a steadying breath, acutely aware of not only Alex's eyes boring into him, but Eriks as well. His voice caught on his next words, betraying him. “If I could take it all back, I would do everything differently. I wish I could.”
“Well you can’t. You’re fucking pathetic.”
At that, Erik took several steps forward, closing the gap between him and Alex in three large strides.
“You would be wise to apologize to the Professor.” Erik said, his tone heavy.
“Erik…”
“Oh what? So he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants? Kill whoever he wants? He’s a lazy murdering piece of shit that doesn’t belong anywhere near the school. I trusted you. Sooraya trusted you. And look where that got her.”
“That’s enough.” Erik didn’t speak loudly, but Charles saw a snap in his posture that told him he was beyond angry. Alex really didn’t know how badly this could get for him. Frantically in Eriks mind Charles projected.
He’s a kid Erik, please don’t scare him with your powers.
Erik’s eyes snapped briefly to Charles, and he gave him a half grin that made his stomach flip. For a different reason than normal this time. Erik took a step back, giving Alex room to make a better choice, but instead Alex turned to look at Charles, and it was only his powers that kept Charles from believing the pure hatred in his eyes wasn’t personal.
“You’re no leader. You’re a manipulative mind twisting bastard who collects helpless children and turns them into pawns in your sick game. You don’t deserve her loyalty Charles. She died trusting you and you betrayed her. And somehow you’re going to walk away from this thinking you’re any better than the men we fought. That you’re any different.”
Charles was frozen in his spot. He couldn’t breathe.
He knew he couldn’t take him at his word. He was grieving. And young. And soscared. He felt the regret like a thick blanket and overbearing fear on Alex’s mind, suffocating any other thought. But never before had someone so perfectly encapsulated what it was he feared the most. Any breath he took caught in a ball of lead that seemed to be lodged in his throat. He couldn’t suck any air in. In seemingly a split second, Alex moved like he was going to spit on Charles. Charles didn’t even try to dodge.
Before anything could happen Charles heard a visceral crack. Blinking, his vision came back into focus and he saw Erik shaking his hand out, while Alex crumpled on the floor. Charles couldn’t move, he seemed frozen in space and time.
Time was frozen. For once not because of Charles. He felt like it was slow motion as Erik looked up at Charles, nothing even bordering apologetic in his eyes. Alex stood up after almost a full minute and spat a tooth on the floor. It clattered against the cement. Raven and Shawn walked back in, Charles had been right about them not leaving. Blood dribbled down Alex’s chin and he brought a hand up to his face, slightly horrified.
“You should think before you talk about Charles like that.” Erik said matter of factly.
Charles blinked again, stunned. Erik didn’t say another word, just walked over to Charles and nodded for him to follow. Charles threw a glance over his shoulder, quickly scanning the minds in the room. Alex was stunned, Shawn was confused and impressed, Raven was angry and grateful. But no one was going to do anything crazy as far as Charles could tell. He followed Erik to the elevator.
Ravens mind brushed against his, he felt her reaching out for him. He sent her reassurance, trying to sooth her fears that he was taking anything Alex said personally. He was, of course, but she didn’t need to know that.
The moment the doors closed Erik had a hand on Charles’s shoulder, and Charles looked up at him. Erik squeezed it once, and Charles bit his lip. Erik’s knuckles were red and likely going to be swollen when the day ended. Erik didn’t release his hold on Charles, and he walked quickly to their bedroom. Charles wheeled along, watching Erik close the door behind them with his powers.
“He’s just a kid.”
Charles’s voice was trembling as he spoke, but he didn’t waste a moment. Erik shook his head.
“Charles…”
“And you punched him.” Charles siad, his brow drawing together. He still hadn’t let the interaction properly sink in. “with your hand?”
“You told me not to use my powers on the children.” Erik said matter-of-factly.
“I…” Charles trailed off, letting Erik’s statement sit. He was right, Charles had made that a rather big deal.
“You should come rest bubbeleh.” Erik said after a moment of stunned silence. He was not apologizing for what happened downstairs, and Charles realized he didn’t really think Erik needed to. That realization was followed by a massive, crushing sense of guilt that made him want to vomit.
“Do you think any of what he said was true?”
Charles could barely get the words out. He was so afraid of what Erik would say in response. He lifted his eyes to meet Eriks and found incredulity and disgust on his face. Charles didn’t have that in him. He lowered his eyes again. They were so tired they hurt to move, and he was sure the bags under them had gone darker than ever before.
“No I do not.” Eriks face faltered a little and Charles swallowed, looking away.
“Yeah…”
Erik blinked at him, and Charles looked at the hardwoods. He reached his hand out, and Charles sank back. With a heavy sigh, Erik reached over and pulled Charles to come sit with him. Charles followed easily, slumping in his chair. Erik perched on the side of the bread, taking one of Charles’s hands in both of his and staring directly into his eyes.
“You’re not stupid enough to believe any of those things about you, are you?” Erik asked.
Charles flinched microscopically back and he saw a weight settle in Erik’s posture. Something akin to anger radiated off of Erik, but there was sadness there as well. Charles didn’t understand the mix, and it made him feel oddly afraid. He must be exhausted, because he never felt that way around Erik. His powers felt frayed, and it was like static filled the line when he tried to think about blocking Eriks emotions out. It made him bring a hand to his temple, wincing. He was vaguely aware of talking around him and he had to focus hard to hear the noise turn into words.
“Charles?”
Charles shook his head, swallowing and bringing his hands up to pull at the collar of his shirt. He felt like he was going to be sick. His hands were trembling so badly that he couldn’t unbutton the top button. Erik took one of his hands and helped him take off the sweater vest. His skin felt like it was electrified. The hair on his arms stood straight up and Erik pressed his hand to Charles’s knee, even though he knew he couldn’t feel it.
Eriks mouth was moving, but Charles couldn’t hear it. He could feel many things radiating off of Erik. Concern, that was the main one. Anger was very prevalent as well. He felt threads of anxiety and remorse and a hint of disgust that Charles was going to have to ask him about later. Charles’s mouth felt like it was bone dry, and he tried to swallow to rehydrate.
It took several moments of Erik yelling for him to be able to hear him again. Everything had become a bit of a blurr. Charles came to and felt Erik’s grip on his shoulders, almost bruising strength. He wanted to sprint away, realizing he couldn’t made his blood run cold. He’d locked his chair when Erik sat and his hands shook so badly for him to undo it. Charles realized after a moment he was being shook, and he realized he was crying. Erik looked stunned and petrified by the behavior. Charles brought a hand up to cover his mouth, biting his lip until he tasted blood. His ears were ringing as he came back to earth. His skin felt too tight, and his stomach felt tight and cold. His hands were ice on his face.
“Charles, Charles are you alright?” He realized he could hear Erik, panic filling his voice, although he tried to smooth it out. It didn’t matter, he could feel it. “Charles, come back, it’s alright.”
Charles put a hand on Erik’s arm and he felt relief rush through Erik and his mind at the same time. He wasn’t sure where it originated from but he clung onto the feeling, trying to amplify it in his mind. Erik stayed still, like he was afraid of ruining the moment. Finally, Erik pulled Charles slowly to his chest. The felt the athletic knit material of his long sleeve cool against his cheek, and he brought his cheek to Erik’s shoulder Erik was whispering in yiddish and Charles felt his shoulders sag slightly.
“You’re okay, you’re gonna be okay schatz it’s all okay.” Erik said softly. Charles never heard this tone of voice on Erik normally, and he leaned into him with a desire for his warmth. He felt like he’d just run a marathon, and he was shaking violently. Erik rubbed his hand up and down Charles, seeming afraid to touch him for fear of breaking the barely there calm that had settled over them.
Erik after a moment gestured to the bed and Charles nodded. Erik scooped him up easily, bringing him up to the pillows and holding him tightly to his chest. Charles leaned into Erik’s mind, finding it a safe refuge compared to his own. He practically nestled among the easy, safe thoughts. Erik’s mind was complex, but organized in a way few peoples were. It was such a safe place for Charles. Erik must have felt him in his mind, because he conjured a memory of the two of them making dinner together from a few weeks ago.
He often tucked away happy memories Charles had learned. It was one of the kindest things anyone had done, the way that Erik recalled such small, peaceful moments, and pushed them at Charles when he was upset or scared or discouraged. Now he leaned in in full to the memory until he could let his shoulders fall down lower than his ears. Erik was mumbling something as he rubbed his hand up and down his back.
“You haven’t done anything wrong Charles.” Erik soothed, leaning his forehead to Charles’s temple. “You’ve done so well by everyone. I know how hard you’re trying. It’s okay. You did well.”
“But she’s dead.”
It was the first thing he could choke out. Erik nodded, pressing a kiss to Charles’s temple.
“I know. It’s not okay. But it’s also not because of you.” Erik said in the most comforting voice he could muster. Charles pressed into him, shaking his head. “I know how hard you’re trying.”
“Trying doesn’t mean shit if I fail.” Charles said. Erik shook his head.
“That’s not how you’d talk about anyone else.” Erik said. Charles sighed, wrapping his arms around Erik. Erik seemed to relax as soon as Charles did, his mind stopped scanning for threats, turning back to Charles.
“I am terrible at my job.” It was such a normal comment about such a bizarre situation, Erik chuckled, a deep throaty laugh. “I want to make Alex feel safe to talk to me. Maybe I will see him in the morning.”
“That sounds like a good thing to deal with in the morning, bubbeleh,” Erik whispered. Charles nodded.
He wanted to fight, to solve everything right now. His chest felt like it was being squeezed, and he burrowed against Erik, wanting to hide from the feeling. Erik brought a hand up to the top of his head, pulling him close. The moment he burrowed into Erik’s chest he felt the heavy weight of exhaustion dragging him down with each breath. He couldn’t seem to even blink without relaxing further against his partner. Erik carded his hand through his hair, and Charles sighed heavily.
Erik pressed a kiss to Charles’s temple and Charles all but melted against him.
“You can fix it later.” Erik said, barely above a whisper. Charles nodded against him. “You’re too tired now.”
Charles fell asleep quickly, letting the thick blanket of exhaustion pull him under. In the morning, he would face the real world again. The pain and the fear, and he would ease their minds and hold their hands and pass out tissues and work out logistics. He’d hold Alex while he sobbed to the point of vomiting, assuring him he was not mad. He’d explain to Hank how to speak to others while they were grieving, and he would distract Raven and Shawn as much as he could from the stressful night. He would meet every person exactly where they were at, and do it all with grace and poise.
But none of that happened yet, for right now, he got to fall apart while Erik held him together, taking on the weight of keeping him afloat for just a little bit. With a hand tangled in his hair and whispered words of comfort, Charles slept for almost 13 hours. Erik didn’t once consider leaving, taking on his duty to guard Charles’s hard won rest incredibly seriously.