Alex got out of her car where she had been hiding for hours. She saw Olivia coming home with Noah, they were chatting about their day. Then she saw him, entering the building thirty minutes earlier. He had a bag in his right hand. Probably their dinner for tonight. She fought everything in herself not to come tonight, but she couldn’t stop the words from repeating in her head.
She closed her eyes in front of the building and took a few breaths. She moved from the door when a couple got out of it. The young man kept the door open. “Do you want to go inside?” Alex snapped back to reality and gave the man a small smile. “ Thank you.”
She put a hand on the door and let the man leave. She wished them a good evening and entered the building. She opened the second door then took the three steps and headed to the elevator. She loved Olivia’s apartment, they made a lot of memories there. The last memory is not something she likes to remember.
___________________________________________________________
Olivia looked at Alex who was sitting on the sofa, she couldn’t believe what she just heard. The woman that she loves was leaving again. She closed her eyes trying to calm her anger.
“When do you live?” Olivia’s voice was calm, too calm for Alex. She stood up and came closer to her girlfriend. “Tomorrow” Alex could feel Olivia’s anger getting stronger. Olivia closed her eyes again, she clenched her fists and took a deep breath. She fights everything in her not to get violent.
“I’m sorry, I know it’s fast but I don’t have a choice.” Alex put her hand on Olivia’s arm but feeling her anger, she took it back. “It’s only for a few months or maybe a year, Liv.”
Olivia opened her eyes and looked at her girlfriend. She wasn’t really sorry. “You need to leave.” Olivia tried to control her voice and her anger.
“Liv, can we talk about it? I know it’s sudden, but we can talk about it.” She loved Olivia so much and she didn’t want to lose her.
“You really need to leave Alex. I don’t want to hurt you, verbally or physically.” She knew she would never hurt Alex in any way. She just needed her out of her apartment.
Alex nodded her head and took her bag on the kitchen counter. She came closer to her girlfriend. She wanted to kiss her on the cheek but Olivia took a step back.
Alex swallowed back her tears. “I love you, no matter what.” Alex waited a few more minutes hoping Olivia would make a gesture towards her, but she didn’t. Alex didn’t fight her tears this time. She stopped in front of the door. She turned around and looked at her girlfriend.
“Tell me you love me Olivia.” Olivia didn’t turn and didn’t tell her she loved her. She couldn’t forgive her to leave again. For the first time in three years, Alex was leaving the apartment without hearing those three words.
___________________________________________________________
She replayed this conversation in her head for weeks after leaving New York. She wrote to Olivia, called her, sent her texts but she never got an answer. She knew Olivia was mad but she really thought she would calm down and forgive her after a few weeks. But she never forgives her. So after a year away from the city, Alex stopped calling and stopped sending texts. She still loved and cared for Olivia, so she kept getting news from Fin. She was relieved when he didn’t reject her the first time. Now, he was sending her news by himself.
Alex’s heart started to beat faster when the elevator stopped. The doors opened in front of her. She got out before the doors closed. There were only two apartments on this floor. Olivia was the one at the end of the hallway. She clenched her fists, trying to find some courage.
She stopped in front of Olivia’s door. She could hear Noah’s laugh. She took a few breaths. She had played this conversation in her head a million times, and Olivia was always closing the door on her face. She was never afraid of anything or anyone but today, it was the scariest moment of her life. Even being threatened by the cartel never scared her that much. She tried to regulate her breathing, she closed her eyes one more time before knocking on the door.
Olivia raised her head and furrowed her eyebrows. She looked at Noah and Elliot. Elliot seemed as confused as she was. They weren’t expecting anyone.
“Did you let someone in?” Olivia was a little bit confused because no one rang downstairs. Elliot shrugged. Olivia shook her head and put the plates she had in her hands on the counter. She gave her son a little smile and walked at the door. She opens it and is shocked to see her former girlfriend at the door. “Alex” whispered Olivia.
She was not expecting to see her. It has been five years since she left for DC. She never thought she would see her again. Alex intertwined her fingers, trying to stop the shaking on her hands. Olivia hasn’t changed. She had her hair a little bit longer, some new wrinkles, but she was still the most beautiful person on this planet.
“What are you doing here Alex?” Alex can still hear some anger in her voice. It sounds like even after five years, she didn’t forgive her.
Alex tried to fight her tears. She came here for a reason and she didn’t want her emotions to stop her from saying what she wanted. She took a step closer. She could see the confusion in the eyes of the love of her life.
“Alex” The ADA looked behind Olivia, and saw that Elliot was staring at her while Noah had disappeared from the living room. The anger started to feel her body when she saw Elliot coming closer to Olivia. She wanted to tell him to back off but she didn’t want Olivia to be mad at her so she kept her mouth shut.
She looked back at Olivia and couldn’t stop her small smile. She missed her so much. She was still in love with her. “I would like to talk to you alone.”
“That’s not going to happen.” said a voice before Olivia could say something.
Alex’s head snapped back to Elliot, and if eyes could kill, he would be dead by now. “I didn’t talk to you detective Stabler.” She said in a cold voice, he was still getting on her nerves even after so many years. He was always jealous of Olivia’s love for her. Alex looked at Olivia, she could see the tears she was trying to contain. “Liv, please” Alex put her hand on Olivia’s.
Elliot came closer and stepped between Olivia and Alex. “You need to leave, counselor! You are not welcome in our home.” Alex couldn’t stop her laugh.
“Your home? This was my home before to be yours.” Alex tried to calm her anger but failed. “And this is not your business Stabler so back off.” She pushed him and tried to get Olivia. Elliot grabbed Alex’s arm to pull her out of the apartment, but Olivia’s hand on his shoulder stopped him.
“Let go of her.” Elliot was a little bit confused. He knew how much Alex hurt Olivia, but she was still protecting her. “Liv.” he said, trying to understand. Olivia put her hand on Elliot’s. “I told you to let her go.” He could see that Olivia’s behavior toward him was different. “You are making a big mistake, Liv” He shook his head and removed his hand. He took a step back and left Olivia with Alex.
“Thank you” said Alex while rubbing her arm. She wanted to come closer to Olivia but wasn’t sure to be allowed.
“What are you doing here? DC is not something you like anymore?” Olivia didn’t mean to be nasty but Alex had hurt her too much.
“I came back last year.” Olivia nodded, she already knew it. Fin had told her when he saw Alex in the DA office ten months ago.
“Why are you here tonight?” Olivia could see Alex getting nervous. She was always biting her bottom lip when she wanted to say something but was scared. “Alex” said Olivia after a few minutes of silence.
“I love you” Alex looked back at Olivia. She could see some new anger but she could also see some relief and happiness. It was just here for a few seconds, now only the anger was visible.
“I have a family now Alex.” Alex was hurt by Olivia’s words. “Yes with Stabler. I don’t understand Olivia.” Alex couldn’t stop her anger now. “He left you for ten years and without a fucking word, and he comes back and what. You decided that you love him and that what we have doesn't matter anymore.”
Olivia took a deep breath and took a step closer to her ex-girlfriend. “What we had Alex, what we HAD. Remember, you left me AGAIN!” Alex swallowed back her tears, she knew she had hurt Olivia, but she really tried to stay in touch and maybe kept her relationship even from DC but Olivia didn’t want it. “And you left for five years, so what's the difference?”
Alex wiped her tears, it was killing her to cry when Elliot could see her. He looked like he was enjoying what was happening. “The difference is I tried talking to you Olivia, even if you didn’t want it. I sent email and texts. I called you Olivia so many times but you never picked up. I tried for a year but you erased our love because you were mad at me.”
Olivia took deep breaths, she couldn’t cry in front of Alex. “I needed time. You don’t understand Alex, what we had wasn’t enough for you to stay in New York. Or it wasn’t enough for you to refuse the job. You didn’t even talk to me about it. You came home one night, and you told me, "I have a new job, it’s in DC and I’m leaving tomorrow.”
Alex knew she made a huge mistake, when she landed in DC, she wanted to take the next flight and go back home, but she couldn’t, so she stayed in DC hoping that Olivia would forgive her but she didn’t. So why bother coming home when you have no one. Alex wiped her tears one more time. She could see Olivia’s anger rising. “You know I’ve been left all my life by the people I love, including you. I loved you so much and you broke my heart Alex.”
Alex swallowed hard, more tears were visible in her eyes. She took a look behind Olivia and saw Elliot standing against the kitchen’s counter. “He left but still you forgive him. Why him and not me?” Alex looked back at Olivia who was shaking her head.
“I can’t do that. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever. I want you to leave Alex.” Olivia was trying so hard not to cry. Her heart was hurting, and she couldn’t face Alex’s words tonight.
Alex took Olivia’s hand in hers. Weirdly Olivia didn’t reject her. “I’m sorry Olivia. You have to believe me, I’m so sorry. I love you so much.” Alex could see Elliot approaching. “And I know deep down you still love me.” Alex whispered in her ear. She let go of Olivia’s hand and took a step back.
“You need to go, Cabot. Obviously you are not welcome in Olivia’s life and she has a new family now.” Alex couldn’t stop her small laugh.
“You can believe what you want, Stabler but this home and this family is not yours.”
Alex looked one last time at Olivia who was behind the counter. She gave her a smile, and got out of the apartment. She knew that Olivia was still in love with her, she could see it in her eyes. Alex wasn’t ready to end this fight. Olivia and her were meant to be. And she would do anything to get her back.
******
Olivia closed the door of her apartment, and jumped when she saw someone sitting on the floor. She is more surprised to see Alex. She thought she had made things clear yesterday.
“Alex” the blonde raised her head and gave a weak smile to Olivia. “Hi Liv.” She stood up and came closer to the love of her life. “I saw Elliot and Noah leaving the building. I was waiting for you.” Olivia took a long look at her ex-girlfriend, she could see she was wearing the same clothes as yesterday. “Did you sleep in your car?” Alex nodded.
“You should go home Alex” Olivia put her keys in her bag. She wanted to leave but she couldn’t. She could see the tears in Alex’s eyes and her heart broke for her. She wasn’t mad like she was yesterday. She hadn’t slept well, thinking about her conversation with Alex, and her three year relationship. “I’m sorry for yesterday Olivia.” Alex wiped the tears that escaped her eyes. “I didn’t mean to disturb your life.”
Olivia passed her hand in her hair and took a few breaths. She wanted to be mean to Alex, but she couldn’t. Her brain couldn’t do anything to hurt the blonde.
“Why did you come?” Alex looked away and bit her lower lip. She came because she saw Fin in court and he told her the news. “Because you are going to marry him.” She could feel the tears threatening to fall but she tried to stop them. “You left Alex. You can’t blame me for wanted to go home to someone”
“Why him?” Olivia shook her head and tried to stop the mean words coming from her mouth. “I’m sorry” says Alex before Olivia could say something. “I want you to be happy and if it’s with him, then be it.” Alex took Olivia’s hand and looked in her eyes.
“You are the most amazing person in the world, and you and Noah deserve everything in life, and if it’s with him. I wouldn’t stand in the way of your happiness.” Olivia didn’t stop her tears. Alex always made her feel like she was the most precious person in this world. “You should go Alex.”
Olivia needed to stop this conversation now. She wiped her tears, took a step back and walked the hallway leaving Alex in front of the door.
“Do you love him?” Olivia stopped at Alex’s words and closed her eyes when she heard her footsteps behind her. She took a few seconds and opened her eyes. “You need to go, Alex.” Olivia couldn’t stop the shaking in her voice.
“Tell me you love him, tell me you are happy with him and I will leave. I promise you, I will leave and let you live your life with him.” Olivia swallowed hard and tried to stop her tears. “Please, please, just go.” She couldn’t stop her tears this time.
“I won’t leave again, Olivia. If you tell me you don’t love him, I will show you everyday how much I love you and I will give you the world because you deserve no less.” Olivia shook her head and wiped her tears. “I can’t, I’m sorry.” Olivia kept her eyes, hoping Alex would leave, but she knew that the ADA was too stubborn for that. She could feel Alex’s hand on her arm, then on her neck and her left cheek.
“Tell me, you love him.” whispered Alex. She gently passes her lips on Olivia’s hand. “Tell me, he makes you happy.” She puts her lips on Olivia’s cheek. “Please Alex”. Olivia could feel the tears in her throat. “Tell me he can give you everything that I can't,” She whispered in her ear. “Tell the words, Olivia and I will leave.”
Olivia could feel the tears dropping on her cheeks. She could feel Alex wiping them. She could still feel Alex’s lips on her cheek. She couldn’t tell Alex the words she wanted to hear because she knew that she wasn’t loving him like she was loving her.
She slowly opened her eyes and looked at Alex. She had a small smile on her face. Olivia reached up and stroked Alex’s cheek. A smile gently stretched her lips. “I can’t Alex, I’m sorry.” Alex furrowed her eyebrows. She was sure Olivia was in love with her. She knew it. How could she be that wrong? She lowered her hand and felt tears welling up in her eyes.
Olivia took Alex’s hand back in hers. She took a step forward and gently pulled back Alex’s hair. “I love him but I'm not in love with him.” She whispered before putting her lips on Alex’s. Alex could feel the tears rolling down her cheeks. She put her hands around Olivia's waist and pulled her closer. She felt all the tension leaving her body. She felt relieved to know that Olivia was feeling the same. They parted when they couldn’t breathe anymore.
Olivia put her forehead against Alex’s. She couldn’t stop her small laugh. She wiped Alex’s tears and intertwined their fingers.
“Don’t leave me again Alex because I will need you.”
Alex put her hands on Olivia’s cheeks. She gently kissed her on the lips and smiled at her. “I won’t, I promise. I love you.”
Olivia couldn’t stop her smile. She passed a hand in Alex’s hair, then in her neck. “I love you too” she whispered against her lips.
She was about to kiss Alex a second time when something got her eyes. She looked behind the ADA and saw Elliot standing in front of the elevator while the doors were closing behind him. She was a few feet away from him and she could feel his anger, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for a fight like this one. Alex turned her head, and couldn’t hide her surprise. She wanted to grin and show Elliot that she won but she was smarter enough not to do it. She knew that Olivia would not like it. Elliot took a first step, and Alex took a step back while reaching for Olivia’s hand. Elliot stopped before his ex-partner and soon to be ex-fiancée.
“Noah forgot his dance bag.” He looked at Alex, and clenched his fists. He knew better not to lose his temper in front of Olivia. He took a few minutes to analyze his former ADA. She was trying to hide her smile but he could see her little grin. He turned her head back to Olivia. “We need to talk.” His voice was full of anger. Olivia nodded and Elliot walked to the apartment. He opened it and slammed the door behind him.
Olivia closed her eyes, she never liked Elliot’s anger but she couldn’t blame him for this one. A hand on her cheek freed her of all the tension in her body. She missed this touch so much. She had been dreaming of Alex’s hand on her face, around her waist, on her thighs, almost every night for the past five years. She was mad at her and couldn’t forgive her but it didn’t mean that she didn’t love her anymore. She tried very hard to move on, and with Elliot, she was happy and Noah too, and she really thought that she could have a future with him, but Alex came back and as much as she was angry, she couldn’t deny the happiness that she felt when she saw her last night.
Olivia opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was Alex’s smile. That was the most beautiful smile in the world, and that was a view she would never get tired of seeing. “Hey” whispered Alex while caressing Olivia’s cheeks. “Hey” said Olivia. She was trying so hard not to cry but Alex was back in her life and she couldn’t be happier. The silence settled for a few minutes. Olivia smiled at her ex-girlfriend, or the love of her life.
“I think I really need to go inside.” Olivia saw the fear in Alex’s eyes. She put her arms around her waist, and put her head closer to Alex’s.
“It’s going to be okay.” whispered Olivia. Alex’s heart dropped, she knew Elliot and she saw him lose his temper so many times in the past. Tears filled Alex’s eyes. “Alex, he is not going to hurt me.”
Alex looked away and let her tears flow freely down her cheeks. “Alex, look at me.” Alex wiped her tears quickly and looked back at Olivia. Olivia gave her a smile and wiped her new tears.
“Why don’t you go home and I will call you when I’m done.” Alex nodded negatively. “I'd rather stay with you. I want to be sure, he is not going to hurt you… physically.” Olivia couldn’t stop her light laughter.
The expression on Alex’s face made her quickly regret it. “I promise, he won’t hurt me. And if it does, I can defend myself.” Alex bit her bottom lip. Olivia ran her thumb over Alex’s lip. “Alex, you perfectly know that if you come inside with me, it’s going to be so much worse.” Alex knew that Olivia was right but she couldn’t stop the fear that was filling her body.
“I just want to make sure you are okay.” Olivia smiled at Alex. The ADA has always been super protective of her girlfriend. “I will be, I promise. Go home or go to work. I will come to you right after.” Alex slowly nodded, she needed to trust Olivia on this.
“Okay, I will wait for you at home.” Alex slowly captured Olivia’s lips. Alex put her arms around Olivia’s waist. She deepened the kiss and she showed Olivia all the love she had for her.
They parted when the air was necessary. “I missed you so much Liv.” Alex closed her eyes and she held back her tears. She put her forehead on Olivia’s. “I’m so sorry baby.” She whispered while running her hands through Olivia’s hair.
Olivia looked at Alex and caressed her cheek. She took one of her hands and kissed it slowly. “I know you are, baby. Let’s just talk about it later, okay?” Alex nodded and took a step back. She quickly wiped her tears and gave Olivia a little smile.
She cleared her throat and took a look at Olivia’s door.” I will be fine Alex, don’t worry.” Olivia took Alex’s hand. “Okay, I should go. If you need anything, call me and I’ll be right back.” Olivia nodded and kissed Alex’s hand.
“Be careful, detective.” Olivia laughed gently. “You know that I’m not a detective anymore.” Alex smiled widely and came closer to her. “I know Captain Olivia Benson, but you will always be my detective.” Alex kissed her quickly. “I love you.”
Olivia gave her a smile and watched her leave the hallway. Alex pushed the bottoms and waited a few seconds before hearing the sounds who announced the elevator. She was going to enter when two arms surrounded her waist and someone kissed her on her neck. “I love you too.” Olivia let go of Alex, and the ADA entered the elevator. The doors closed on Olivia who was waving to Alex with an enormous smile on her face. Alex couldn’t stop hers too.
******
Alex got out of the building and walked to her car. She sat behind her wheel. She looked at Olivia’s apartment, and saw Elliot’s shadow behind the curtain. She took a long breath and tried to calm her fear.
She grabbed her phone and slid on her contacts. She put the phone on her ear and waited three rings before someone picked up. “Are you busy?” The person on the phone laughed loudly. “I don’t know if doing my paperwork can be called being busy.” Alex laughed.
“Fin I need to ask you a favor and you can’t say no.” Sergeant Tutuola stopped his work and left his office to reach a quieter place. He entered the first interrogation room.
“What did you do Alex?” Alex bit her bottom lip and cleared her throat. “Nothing illegal if it’s what you’re thinking.” Fin laughed again. “Good because you are the only good lawyer I know.” Alex couldn’t stop her smile. She always loved Fin, he was an amazing friend and a very good detective.
“I’m not only good sergeant, I am the best.” She laughed lightly when she heard Fin laughed loudly. It took a few long seconds to calm down. “Okay counselor. What did you do if it’s not illegal?” Alex played with her sweater. She bit the inside of her mouth. “I did what you told me to do.”
Fin took a seat on the couch and put his head on his hands while keeping the phone in his ear. “Don’t tell me you went to see her.” Alex breathed slowly. “I told her, I loved her, Fin. Did you really think I will not go after you told me, she was still in love with me.” Fin couldn’t stop his smile. He always appreciated Alex, even after her departure for DC, even if she broke his friend’s heart. He couldn’t hate her for that.
“I didn’t say those words you know.” Alex passed a hand in her hair and on her face. “You said and I quote “She is still wearing the necklace you gave her for your first anniversary, but she is not wearing Stabler’s engagement ring.” It’s the same thing.” Fin turned around when the door opened behind him. Amanda stopped in her tracks and apologized. “Have you seen Liv?” Fin shook his head. “I tried to call her but she’s not answering. Can you try?”
“Don’t” said Alex. “Don’t call her, that’s why I called.” Fin furrowed his eyebrows. He put the phone on his shoulder. “Why do you need her?” Amanda took a step closer. “We have a new case. I didn’t know you were on the phone.”
“It’s okay, can you take Velasco and I will call Liv. Keep me updated.” Amanda nodded. “You got it, sergeant.”
Amanda left the room and Fin put back the phone on his ear. “Okay, what do you need, Cabot?” Alex explained to him what happened last night, then this morning. “You messed up Alex, you know that.” Fin took his jacket and left the squad room.
“I know but I could not try to get her back. And she still loves me, Fin. I don’t think she is going to marry him now.” Fin entered his car and took the road to go to Olivia’s.
“I know and I understand, Alex.” Alex started her car, she knew for Olivia’s sake, she needed to leave. “I’m sorry to get you involved in my mess but I’m scared for her. You know Elliot for years, and you saw him going after perps.”
“He is not going to hurt her, Alex.” The traffic wasn't too bad this morning and Fin was almost at Olivia’s. “But I will be waiting and if I hear anything. I will go inside, I promise you Alex.”
Alex stopped in her parking spot. Her home was ten minutes away from Olivia’s building. “Thank you Fin. She is supposed to come to me after they are done.” Alex got out of her car. “I’m sorry for disturbing your busy day.” Fin laughed gently. Alex smiled. “This sounds more interesting. Get some rest counselor.” Alex nodded and pushed the button of the elevator. “Thank you again Fin, for everything.”
“I look out for my girls.” He heard Alex enter the elevator. He put his phone down after the end of the call and turned his head to Olivia’s apartment. He knew Elliot wouldn’t touch Olivia but he promised himself, if his former colleague hurt Olivia in any way, he would go after him. His badge will not stop him.
Alex entered her apartment, she took off her shoes and jacket while walking to her bedroom. She needed to sleep. She had a long night and she was a little bit relieved that Fin was at Olivia’s. She closed her eyes, replaying the events of last night and this morning. She disturbed Olivia’s life and she really hoped that all of this was worth it.
******
Alex slowly opened her eyes. She didn’t think she would be able to sleep, but she did. She took her phone to check the time, it was the middle of the afternoon and she had no call or message from Olivia. She passed a hand on her face and tried to stop her tears. She really hoped that Olivia was fine and she was just taking time to end things with Elliot. She stretched after getting out of the bed and reached the bathroom for a hot shower. She had to release the tension from the events. She couldn’t get Olivia out of her mind. She should be calling Fin once she’s out of the shower.
Alex left the bathroom and was surprised to find her favorite person sitting on the bed. Olivia looked up and gave a small smile to Alex. The ADA approached her and sat next to her. She hesitated a few seconds before taking Olivia’s hand. She could see that Olivia had been crying and it was her fault. She couldn’t stop the guilt from filling her. The silence settled for long minutes before Olivia broke it.
“You called Fin.” Alex squeezed Olivia’s and looked at her. “I’m sorry Olivia but I was scared for you. Did something bad happen?” Olivia shrugged her shoulders.
“He didn’t hurt me physically, if it’s what you’re asking.” Alex came closer to Olivia and put an arm around her waist. “But he said bad things to you.” Olivia bit her bottom lip and tears filled her eyes.
She looked at Alex. “About you.” She whispered the words so softly that Alex wasn’t sure, she heard them right. “About me?” Olivia nodded. “No one is allowed to talk about you that way.” Alex took a deep breath to try to calm her anger. Elliot couldn’t hurt the love of her life and think that he wouldn’t pay the consequences.
“I’m sorry baby. Elliot and I weren’t really friends anyway. And I sometimes said bad things about him too.” Olivia looked at Alex. “I slapped him.” Alex couldn’t hide her surprise. “He wouldn’t stop calling you names, so I slapped him. I saw the surprise on his face, then the anger. He was really mad. I thought he was going to hit me back but he didn’t.” Alex gently stroked her back.
She knew that Olivia always had a good esteem for Elliot, and knowing that she almost went to hands with him because of her, the guilt became more intense. “I’m so sorry Olivia. This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have come back. You will still be happy with him. And this wouldn’t have happened.” Olivia quickly grabbed Alex’s head and made her look at her.
“Listen to me Alex.” Alex nodded. ”This is not your fault. Yes maybe you came at the wrong moment and yes maybe I was happy with him . But I was never as happy as I was with you. I thought I loved him and I do, as a friend, a partner, but I was not in love with him. You are the only person I really loved, love. I love you Alex. I was mad at you when you left for DC. I was so mad because it felt like you didn’t care about me. But deep down I knew if I asked you to come back, you would have come back. But I didn’t, because anger makes us do really stupid things. And I got your email, and your messages, your phone calls, even the messages you gave to Fin. But I never responded because I wanted you to feel what it felt to be abandoned by the person you love the most on this planet. I’m so sorry too because we lost five years of our lives together because I was too stubborn and hurt to pick up this damn phone.”
Alex and Olivia were both crying. Both had their share of responsibilities. Both hurt each other a lot, but they also love each other very much. Alex wiped Olivia’s tears and smiled through her own tears. She came closer to Olivia and linked their lips together. They knew they still needed to talk about Alex’s leaving and the last five years but right now, they needed it to feel each other and to believe that all of this wasn't a dream.
******
Olivia looked at Alex who was sleeping peacefully. She traced her face with her fingers. She couldn’t believe she had Alex back and in the same bed as her. She ran her fingers down the back of her neck. She stopped for a few seconds when Alex moved. Then she continued to run her fingers over her body.
“It's still creepy, you know.” Olivia jumped at Alex’s voice. Alex smiled widely and put her hand in Olivia’s hair. “I missed doing this.” Olivia smiled back and leaned over. “And I missed you.” She slowly kissed her lips. Alex stopped the kiss and Olivia got up confused.
“Something’s wrong?” Alex shook her head and pulled the sheet up over her bare chest.
“I was wondering. What’s going to happen?” Olivia furrowed her eyebrows. “What do you mean?” Alex sat on the bed and slipped into Olivia’s arms.
“I disturb your life and Noah’s, but I want and need you, both of you, in my life. I understand that it will take time for you to trust me again, and for Noah to get to know me. But I want this Liv.” Alex looked at Olivia’s and intertwined their fingers. “I want to live with you and Noah. I want to show you how much I love and care about you. I want to prove to you that I will never hurt you again. I will never leave you again, this is a promise. I know we won’t be able to have those five years back. But I want to try making up for the time we lost. Can we try?”
A sweet smile appeared on Olivia’s face. She stroked Alex’s face and kissed her on the temple. “I want to try it too.” Alex couldn’t stop her tears and thanked Olivia’s multiple times while kissing her. “I love you so much Olivia Benson.” Olivia wiped Alex tears and kissed her lengthily. “I love you too.” She whispered against her lips.
******
Olivia took a last look at his son and closed the door behind her. She turned off the light of the hallway. She entered the kitchen and took the mugs on the counter. She looked at her girlfriend on the couch and couldn’t stop her smile.
One year had passed since Alex knocked on her door telling her she was still in love with her. This year hadn’t been easy and they fought a lot, mean words and reproachs had been said but at the end of the day, the most important was the love they have for each other and the love they both had for Noah.
Olivia sat next to Alex and gave her her tea. “Thank you” said Alex after taking a sip. “He is sleeping?” Olivia nodded. “Like a baby. Today was an exciting day. I’m glad we chose to get out of the apartment after all.” Alex gave her a smile and put her cup on the table.
“Me too.” Alex kissed Olivia quickly and reached a box next to her. “What is that?” asked Olivia, confused. Alex bit her lips and looked at her girlfriend. “I was looking for my favorite sweater in your dressing, and I found it. And you know what it is, Liv.”
Olivia cleared her throat and got up from the couch. She passed a hand in her hair and closed her eyes. When she opened them a few minutes later, Alex hadn’t moved.
“You should have sent them to me, Liv.” Olivia shook her head and took a step back when Alex stood up. “I was really mad Alex, and those letters were really mean to you. And I didn't want to hurt you.” Alex took a step closer and reached for Olivia’s hand. “But I’m the one who hurt you Olivia. I deserved it.”
Olivia looked at her girlfriend. She wasn’t mad, she understood. “You read them.” Alex nodded. “It’s okay Olivia, you know it’s okay. I’m fine and we are fine now and the past is just the past.” Alex caressed Olivia’s cheek. “Plus, the other things on the box are the most important. You kept everything from our past relationship, the photos, the jewelry I offered to you, you kept them all.” said Alex while touching Olivia's necklace. “I never stopped loving you.” whispered Olivia.
Alice smiled widely. “That’s good, detective, because I never stopped loving you either.” Olivia captured her girlfriend’s lips in a long and needed kiss.
Alex took Olivia’s hand and they sat back on the couch. Alex stayed in Olivia’s arms. That was her favorite place in the world. Olivia took the remote on the arm of the sofa. She turned on the TV and started the movie that Alex had chosen for them. The silence settled for a few minutes before it broke.
“Fin came into my office today.” Alex looked up at Olivia. “Okay.” Alex wasn’t sure where this conversation was leading to. “He saw him, few days ago.” Alex left Olivia’s arms and sat properly but without leaving Olivia’s side. She took her hand to show her that she was here. “Fin said that he was doing fine. He moved back to Queens to be near the kids.” Alex nodded and squeezed her hand. “He asked about Noah, and Fin told him he could call me, but he told him that he needed more time. And the fact that he saw us together outside the court didn’t help.” The anger Alex had for Elliot was gone for a long time, but she couldn’t stop getting mad when he was hurting Olivia intentionally or not.
“Liv, we are not going to hide because he can’t stand the fact that we are together.” Olivia gave a small smile to her girlfriend. “I know baby and I'm not saying that, but I can understand that he is still hurt to see us together.”
“I understand too, Olivia and I know how it feels to see the person that you love in another person's arms. I have been through this when you were with him. But Liv, he knows you are not going back with him. He needs to move on.”
“I think he’s trying Alex, but you know it’s not that easy, and there is Noah and I know he cares a lot about him.” Alex took a deep breath. They had this conversation many times already, because Noah had been asking about Elliot, and Olivia and Alex didn’t want to stop Noah from seeing him. And each time, it ended up with a fight.
“He is the one who doesn’t want to see Noah.” Alex took a deep breath to calm her anger. “You told him when he came back to get his things that you would never stop him to see your son, but he never reached you for that, and when you tried for Noah’s sake, he didn’t care. Liv, I don’t want to fight anymore on this subject. You need to stop making the effort for him. It’s too hard for him to see us together, he can look the other way, he doesn’t want to see Noah, fine we are not going to beg, we will explain to Noah why he can’t see Elliot. He is old enough to understand now. We are not going to stop living our lives, just to please Elliot. Yes, what we did was not fair. Yes you broke his heart because I came back, but Liv, you can’t feel guilty for not loving him enough. You can’t feel guilty for being happy, and you can’t feel guilty for living your life.” Alex wiped Olivia’s tears and kissed her gently. “Just be happy Liv, we don’t care about what people think. We don’t care about what he thinks. They are just jealous.”
“I know.” whispered Olivia while erasing her last tears. “You are right.” Alex laughed out loud. “Always, baby, always” She kissed her quickly and sat back in Olivia’s arms. “Come on, let's watch my favorite movie.”
Olivia kissed her girlfriend on the top of her head and hugged her a little tighter. “I don’t think “The Lion King” can be counted as a movie, it’s a cartoon.” Alex hit Olivia on the arm and looked at her. “First of all, it’s not a cartoon, it's a Disney and second of all, shut up and let me watch my movie or you will sleep on the couch tonight.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time.” whispered Olivia thinking Alex didn’t hear her but a slap on her thigh showed her otherwise. She kissed Alex on her forehead and whispered those three words that Alex loved to hear everyday. “I love you.” Alex looked at her and gave her a smile.
“I love you too Olivia Benson, now be quiet woman, this is my favorite song.” Alex settled back in Olivia’s arms.
Olivia chuckled slightly and passed her hand in Alex’s hair. She closed her eyes while listening to “Circle of life”. She wouldn’t like to be anywhere else. This happiness is the only thing she always wanted and she wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. She never regretted the choice she made one year ago, taking Alex back in her life was the best thing that happened to her and Noah.