The universe was out to get him.
That was truly the only explanation Joaquín could come up with regarding his current predicament. What other reason would the fates have him be working with not only his high school celebrity—Was Bucky Barnes a celebrity? He was kinda a celebrity, he had those comics with Captain America didn’t he?—crush but also his superhero military era crush.
And how could he be faulted for having a crush on Sam Wilson? The man was a military legend, right up there with Colonel James Rhodes. And the way he could pilot the EXO-7 Falcon wings was almost magic, flying like those wings were his own limbs rather than machinery strapped to his back. Joaquín had done his research on the wings, and he was well aware of the extraordinary skill needed to pilot the experimental tech.
And hell, even without all that, Joaquín was only but a man, and Sam Wilson’s—ehm—physique did not help his admiration of the man.
For Bucky Barnes, however…
Teenage Joaquín was mesmerized by the soldier’s quick wit, legendary skill set, and straight-up badassery regaled in not only the history books but—probably exaggerated—in the Captain America comics as well. Plus, he wasn’t ashamed to admit that, in hindsight, his obsession of the man wasn’t only because of his sharpshooting skills. Sergeant James Barnes was hot as sin, and his high school friends were quick to pick up on the way Joaquín cheeks would tinge pink at photos of the man.
Speaking of, said friends were wholly unhelpful when Joaquín called to update them on his woes.
Ashita just laughed at him, the noise coming out all echo-y and slightly glitchy due to Joaquín’s bad connection. He was never in his apartment long enough to justify upgrading his wifi, so he just dealt with it. His data plan was top-tier and, normally, that was really all that mattered. However, when he was video-calling his friends, he did mentally kick himself, just a little, for sparing that particular expense.
He complained, “Come on, guys, stop it.”
“Joaquín,” She wheezed, trying and failing to get anything more than his name out.
Next to her square on the conference call, Mara didn’t fare much better, “Your life,” She said between laughs, “Is a soap opera.”
“A bad soap opera,” Ashita nodded her head wildly, eyes squeezed shut in her laughter.
“I hate you both,” Joaquín complained, rubbing at his nose and sighing, “I should have just called EJ. You two are awful.”
“You love us,” Ashita teased, finally collecting herself as she fixed her hair with fingers, “And you know Mara is right.”
“What’s Mara right about?” Another voice asked over the ‘ding’ that indicated another caller joining their conference.
“Everything,” Mara replied over Ashita’s cheer of “EJ!”
“Mara said,” Joaquín pointed at her square on the screen, “that I’m living in a soap opera.”
Ashita nodded vigorously, her earrings jingling audibly, “He is.”
“EJ, cariño, tellme that this doesn’t sound like a pitch for a bad TV series, ok?” Mara began and then cleared her throat. Wiggling a little in her seat, she rolled her shoulders back and looked up at non-existent lights as if she was on a stage.
“The main character has a little celebrity crush on this war hero in highschool. Flash forward a bit, he’s crushing on a superhero in the military. Flash forward a bit more and he’s working with both his crushes and—!” She threw her pointer finger up to punctuate her words, “now has fallen in love—”
“—I am not in love—”
Mara only continued over Joaquín, exclaiming his protests, “With them!” She finished and EJ was laughing, throwing his head back and absolutely losing it. “Now tell me],” She said, sitting back smugly, “that isn’t a romance plot.”
EJ just nodded in his laughter. Joaquín rolled his eyes as he squashed the urge to join in, albeit more hysterically. “Yeah, yeah, yuk it up,” He shook his head, “Laugh at my pain.”
“Oh, Joaquín,” EJ shook his head, “You are so fucked, man.”
Joaquín groaned, “I know, I know,” and fell back on his bed.
He was royally screwed.