Since as long as he can remember, Zemo always had the same nightmare. He doesn’t know why and what is causing it but he can’t escape it. At least every week, when he closes his eyes seeking calm and rest he is confronted with it. A dark figure, unrecognizable, bearing over him and choking him. He remembers the touch of every finger pressing on his throat, the air abandoning him and his vision blurred by his tears.
Then he wakes up. Always breathless, still feeling the fingers as if the scene just happened until he calms himself and eventually the sensation wears off.
He was living like this, never seeking any form of help and he was fine with it. Until now, now that he is on parole and helps Bucky with Hydra-related missions. All his life he hid that nightmare from his wife, in prison in Berlin they never cared and on the raft they were surely laughing about it. Weirdly enough the only one who spoke about it was Bucky.
And here it is, the following day after a nightmare, Bucky is in front of Zemo and just said ; “I heard you last night, are you okay ?”
Of all the people in the world it’s James Bucky Barnes who asked Helmut Zemo if he was fucking okay.
Bucky’s pressing gaze doesn’t help him find an answer. Zemo isn’t the type of guy to open up to others in the first place, less so after his military training. Even though his relationship with Bucky is good, even more than good, it doesn’t mean he needs to share his deepest secrets or deepest fears with him.
“I am fine James.” He says with the same smile he uses every time he lies.
Bucky certainly doesn’t seem convinced but he doesn’t say anything either, surely thinking it would be ironic of him to accuse Zemo of not being honest with himself and others. Zemo knows that and takes advantage of it.
This must be the only thing he takes advantage of Bucky. Their relationship improved a lot in the few months they spent tracking Hydra down. At first, it was a little awkward because Bucky was only focused on Hydra and reminded Zemo frequently that he chose him for his skills and nothing else. Zemo was fine with it of course but the lack of jokes or anything to reduce the pressure between missions dramatically impacted groundwork. One time, after a specially disgusting mission the tension was too much. They don’t know which one started it but they kissed. That surprised both of them but only for a second before they started to fuck.
Since then, they have slept together from time to time and they laugh and make jokes. Who would have thought ? Certainly not them. Of course, they haven’t put a name on this relationship but Zemo assumes they are fuck buddies. So Zemo is still a little confused when the said so “fuck buddy” asks him about his mental health. Fortunately for him Bucky doesn’t press the issue.
Some days later, after another bland and easy mission, Zemo swears Hydra members are becoming stupider as time goes by. Both of them are relaxing in the living room of one of Zemo’s residences. One of them is on Instagram puzzled by all the different contents he’s being exposed to and the other quietly sipping his cherry blossom tea while reading a book. This week had been particularly calm, especially for Zemo. No nightmares, at least for now, the week isn’t finished and Zemo isn’t very hopeful about the matter. Yet he enjoys the feeling of a well-rested night.
He’s in such a good mood that it gives him an idea. A great idea.
He puts his cup of tea and his book on the table next to him. He stands up and walks toward Bucky. Bucky is still on his phone aware of the movement but not alerted in the slightest. Until Zemo takes his phone from him and throws it on the couch. Confused by the situation Bucky starts to open his mouth to speak but he meets Zemo’s lips on the way. He quickly catches up with Zemo’s idea and kisses him back.
It’s been some days since the last time so they are both on edge, not interested in foreplay but they are weak to kisses and just enjoying the other touch. Yet Zemo likes comfort.
“James-“ He tries to articulate between kisses. “Let’s-“ Which is difficult because kissing Bucky is so much better. “Let’s go to bed.”
The only answer he gets is two hands delicately placing themself on his hips. Two hands always scared to touch him, never daring anything until told to and it makes Zemo melt at the attention even though it kind of pisses him off since he’s definitely not made of sugar. The cold hand goes under Zemo’s ass and the warm one goes on his back under his shirt. Bucky stands up and carries Zemo as the kisses continue, Zemo is certain Bucky has a thing for carrying, he does it all the time, not that he minds.
Zemo feels the soft mattress under him, Bucky must have put him on it. Under the speed, the yearning of it all there’s a small struggle to unbuckle their belt, quite a few scratches as they quickly took down their pants. Each movement punctuated by moans and groans, heavy breathing of anticipation.
Both naked against each other, Zemo on his back against the pillows, Bucky above him kissing him as he penetrates him.
In the heat of the moment Zemo has an idea we wanted to try for a long time. He looks at Bucky over him, his brows furrowed trying to contain his pleasure.
“James.” He whispers.
Bucky looks at him, his attention caught, he puts his hand on Zemo’s cheek, stroking it and keeps thrusting. Zemo takes Bucky’s hand and roughly puts it on his neck. Bucky tenses, uncomfortable by his hand’s position.
“James, I-“ Zemo gives him a reassuring look. “I like it.”
Bucky’s not completely convinced but not repulsed by the idea so he starts to lightly squeeze. He feels Zemo swallowing in anticipation, his Adam’s apple moving then his breath leaving his lungs. Seeing Zemo under him, at his mercy, Bucky’s starting to get a little turned on by it.
On the other side, Zemo’s enjoying it too. At least for a couple of seconds until he feels this tingling sensation, he can’t place it. Then another squeeze around his neck makes him start to break out in a cold sweat, his vision becoming blurry, he can’t discern who is in front of him. Everything feels overwhelming, the hand on his neck is cold and stiff almost mechanic. The smell is unbearable, rotten. Zemo can’t breathe anymore it’s like dust is filling the air and it’s burning his nostrils.
Everything is hot, so hot except this inhuman hand squeezing hard, not moving, maintaining the pressure like it’s easy, like it’s an everyday job. Then it clicks, Zemo remembers this dark figure on top of him with eyes emotionless. The Winter Soldier.
He remembers everything, the mission, the attack and his entire team completely wiped out.
Lacking air from hyperventilating Zemo begins to cough he doesn’t feel the drool on his chin and the tears on his cheeks. He can perceive a voice calling him, who can it be ?
The Soldier. He sees the Soldier in front of him.
“Zemo are you okay ?” Bucky says panicking. “Helm ? What’s going on ?” Bucky takes a step forward, extending his hand to Zemo.
“Don’t !” Zemo’s eyes are wide open, afraid. “Don’t come close to me !”
“What ?” Bucky is more than confused. “Did a hurt you ? I didn’t even squeeze this hard I barely…”
“Soldat ! Ostanovka.” Having The Winter Soldier in front of him, Zemo does the first thing to save himself, speaking his language.
“What the fuck ?” Bucky is visibly hurt by this, how could Zemo think he’s the Soldier ? Or is he fucking with him ? Bucky’s heart sink at the thought. “Why are you fucking speaking in Russian ? Are you-“ Bucky cuts himself, seeing Zemo soak in sweat, his heartbeat resonating in the room and his eyes, horrified by him.
“Helm,” Bucky takes the calmest voice he can. “It’s me. Bu- James.”
Bucky maintains his gaze on Zemo, trying to convey good intentions or anything that could make him relax.
“James ?” Zemo’s head feels heavy, like all his blood took place in his brain, he can feel his veins thumping. “What happened ?” He looks around him, Bucky’s right in front of him, out of the bed and he’s…
“I don’t know, you-“
“You killed them.” A dead silence weights above them. “Irak, 2006.” Zemo looks at him, a cold gaze waiting for answers.
Bucky’s heart stops. This can’t be. It can’t be real.
“It’s impossible.” Bucky’s now the one breaking out in a cold sweat.
“James, I know you hate talking about all the people you killed as The Soldier but I don’t care.” Zemo hates how he talks but his anger and grief are speaking for him.
“This mission can’t exist. They told me it didn’t.”
“Since when do you trust Hydra’s words ?”
“I don’t.” He answers clenching his teeth. “I trust them on this one or this means I am fucking crazy.”
“James, speak.”
“I don’t recall everything. I know I had to kill a scientist and everyone protecting him but I got badly injured and I saw…Steve. He was there.” Bucky puts his hands in his hair, confused. “But it’s impossible, because he was still in the ice. So this mission was just a fucking bad dream.”
Zemo lets out a laugh, it’s so absurd. They were having a good time, Zemo doesn’t think he deserves all that.
“My first mission as a squad leader. The day my entire team and best friend died. The day when I, myself, almost died. All that. And it’s just a bad dream for you ?”
Now, Zemo’s tired. He can’t bear to look at Bucky right now.
“James, would you be kind enough to leave my room ?”
Bucky is obviously as disappointed as Zemo but needs to think too, so he stands up and leaves.
Zemo is now left alone with his thoughts and the most heavy emotion he has to deal with is anger. All this time, he felt guilty, using James as the Soldier to achieve his plan. All that guilt to learn that James killed the people he was responsible of ? Yes, it was the Soldier but they are two sides of the same coin. There is The Soldier in James and James in the Soldier.
The worst thing is that he doesn’t remember, he wants to forget. Why ? Because he hallucinated his best buddy and he can’t handle it ? For a man who wants to atone all his crime as the Soldier he is picky. His teammate's forgiveness is worth nothing ? His forgiveness isn’t worth it ?
This last thought replace his anger with sadness and suddenly tiredness kicks in dragging Zemo into sleep.
——————
The following day, Zemo is ready to give Bucky the cold shoulder but to his surprise Bucky doesn’t leave his room. And the day after, and the next.
After five days, Zemo is worried. His anger is deeply rooted but this is worrying. James isn’t the type to hide from him. So he is now in front of Bucky’s door, a hand above the handle, the other rubbing his finger against each other, stressing. He takes a deep breath and opens the door, carefully, as if he is entering a beast’s lair.
“James ?” He calls as he walks into the room. He looks around, searching for where he might be. The room is upside down, clothes and sheets are lying on the floor, some furniture is overturned, the lamp is broken into pieces. In one of the corners of the room there’s Bucky’s arm. Did he throw it ?
Zemo looks at the bed and Bucky is lying on it, in a boxer, his face in the mattress. Seeing the scene in front of him, Zemo sighs. He takes the chair in the room and places it in a corner facing the bed. Then he sits.
“James.” He tries again. He sees no reaction but he knows Bucky is awake. He sighs again.
“Listen.” Zemo doesn’t know where to start. This mission is so far away, even his own subconscious decided to forget, until they… Zemo looks to the floor, focusing on the wood pattern to avoid thinking of them on that night. He finally gathers his thoughts and starts.
“It was in 2006. I was married for two years and just got promoted, everything was perfect.” He smiles remembering the old times. “It was time for me to do my first mission with people under my commandment, I wasn’t worried nor stressed. I knew what I was capable of and I knew my men, they were good ones.” Zemo can’t hide his bitterness in these last words and clenches his fists. “We were seven, Andrej, Jakub, Lukáš, Henryk, Marek and the scientist we were escorting out of the country. Marek was my best friend, knew him since high school, I made him join the army with me. Andrej and Henryk,I knew them since military school, always doing stupid things behind our captain’s back. Jakub I knew him by his distinction on the field and that he was terrified because his girlfriend was pregnant.” Zemo softly chuckles, remembering when he learned that he was going to be a father, he was as scared as Jakub.
“And finally, Lukáš. He was the rookie.” Zemo’s smile widened. “We were teasing him because looked like an American, he had an angelic face.” Zemo frowns, remembering his lifeless eye, Lukáš was just a kid. “The mission was simple, we had to escort an ex-Hydra scientist, this man thought it was a good idea to idea in Irak, like it wasn’t messy enough. Sokovia had nothing to do on this soil so it was a commando operation, we were left to our own devices.” He pauses, remembering those missions being the shittiest but also the most thrilling.
“At first, everything was going well, we were taking a break because of the heat, we were alert but confident even cracking jokes with the scientist. I never thought I would laugh with an ex-Hydra member…” Zemo chuckles, he hates Hydra and everything it represents so much yet here he is in the same room as Hydra’s ex-dog.
“Then Marek got shot in the eye.”
Zemo says looking in the void, reliving the scene. He doesn’t notice Bucky clenching his fist.
“The right eye. I remember clearly because he was in front of me. It was so…efficient, I know you’re a good shot but…this good, applause James.”
Bucky flinches, the sarcasm feeds the guilt in him.
“Then the rest happened really fast , I only see fragments, shouting and firing. The time stopped when you were on top of me, I must have put up a fight because you were bleeding a little on your arcade. I remember your hand squeezing, James.”
Zemo clenches his fists, turning his knuckles white, he can still feel the metal hand choking him. Sweat starts running down his temple. Focusing on the memory, Zemo doesn’t hear Bucky getting out of the bed, nor him moving towards him until he feels Bucky’s head on his knees and his arm gripping his leg.
“I am so sorry.” A rough voice says.
Zemo tenses at the contact but doesn’t reject him, still he doesn’t dare touch Bucky back nor answer him so he keeps going.
“I was fighting for air but you were pressing more and more, there was nothing in your eyes like my life wasn’t worth anything.”
Zemo has chills just thinking about Bucky's cold eyes on him like he was squishing an insect.
“Suddenly, Lukáš who I don’t how survived shot you, he missed a few shots but still got you good. When you turned your head towards him you froze, I took the opportunity to hit you but I didn’t have time you were already on him. You completely lost your shit. It wasn’t efficient work, no you were going rogue on him. You punched him, again and again and-“
Zemo stops himself feeling tears on his face, he’s completely out of breath. Was he shouting ? He looks down and sees Bucky’s back moving, then Zemo realizes Bucky is sobbing and gripping him like if he let go he could die.
“I am so sorry, Helm.” Bucky manages to say between his tears and hiccups. “Please, please forgive me.”
Zemo's tears continue leaking, how could he think this man on his knees, begging for forgiveness was the same as The Soldier ? How could he imagine this man not regretting every bit of what he has done as The Soldier ? It wasn’t his fault.
Zemo carefully puts his hand on Bucky’s hair, he feels him flinch like he’s scared Zemo will push him away. Instead, Zemo starts stroking his hair.
“I forgiveyou, James.”
They stay like this for an hour, Zemo soothing Bucky and trying to let go of his anger. Until they both move to the bed, falling asleep right away.
—————
A shy ray of sun makes its way between the curtains, pleasantly waking Zemo. Yet, he doesn’t want to wake up, feeling too comfortable on Bucky’s thorax. The soft sound of Bucky breathing rocks him, he could almost go back to sleep, almost.
He looks up to see Bucky’s face, peacefully sleeping, eyes closed. Zemo observes more attentively, Bucky’s eyes are slightly swollen, and his beard has grown a little. Zemo leans on one of his arms to better see Bucky’s face then he puts his hand on Bucky’s cheek. He smiles and strokes it but an image stops him. The Soldier. Those lifeless eyes.
His stomach twists, he knows he’s not in danger, Bucky would never do anything to hurt him but he can’t help it.
“Helm, I will not hurt you.” A voice interrupts Zemo’s overwhelming thoughts.
Zemo looks at Bucky, kind of analyzing him, sensing danger, looking for trust. It’s a reflex. Bucky doesn’t say anything, waiting.
“I knew you were awake, James.” Zemo moves to sit, cutting eye contact. Bucky follows his lead and sits too.
“I can’t hide anything from you” Bucky says half-joking to lighten the mood.
“Apparently you can.” Zemo shot back, he couldn’t resist the urge to be petty.
Bucky's shy smile drops, he looks down. A dead silence settles into the room, making both of them afraid of speaking first. It was awkward, until now none of them had shown this much of themself to the other. They are both master at faking what they feel, what they think, now that they exposed themself this much they don’t know what to do, they can’t handle it.
“I am sorry.” Bucky breaks the ice, the guilt forcing him to.
Bucky’s guilt is making Zemo a little uncomfortable, now it is him who’s feeling guilty. He’s very aware, even more than most people that Bucky had no control over everything he did as The Soldier, yet he blamed him. Even now, he is still angry at him and that’s what pisses him off the most.
“It wasn’t your fault, James. I told you yesterday, I forgive you.” Zemo says sighing.
“Yeah.” Bucky leaves a silence for a few seconds then continues. “But you don’t mean it.”
Zemo tenses.
“It’s okay. Don’t force yourself you don’t have to forgive me.”
“I am not.” Zemo retorts immediately. “James, I still have this anger in me, hating you but it’s not fair.” Zemo puts his hand over Bucky’s. “I can’t hate you for something you had no control over, but…” Zemo closes his eyes, furrowing his eyebrows and squeezing Bucky’s hand. “It’s still hard.”
“I understand.”
“And I don’t need you to make amends. I crossed my name off your notebook, remember ?”
Bucky chuckles and squeezes Zemo’s hand back. They stay like that, enjoying the calm and the comfortable silence that they missed those past few days.