Maya knocked on Carina’s hotel door, they had plans to do breakfast after Maya’s shift before she went home and slept before they went to an early dinner and Carina did an overnight shift that night. Maya had barely knocked before Carina was opening the door, Maya thought she was a vision. Maya could have kicked herself for letting things get as bad as they had been between them, that her breakdown had nearly destroyed their marriage. Maya took a deep breath and exhaled remembering what Diane would say, which was to focus on the moment and not obsess about the past, because there wasn’t anything she could do anything about it.
“Hi, Bambina, I’m almost ready, just give me thirty more seconds,” Carina said as she answered the door, and she moved back towards the bathroom to finish getting ready.
“Okay,” Maya smiled and walked over to the desk to sit because when Carina said thirty seconds it was usually closer to 15 or 20 minutes, not that Maya minded. She’d wait forever for Carina. Maya sat down at the hotel desk, wanting to get off her feet the shift had been exhausting. The politics, the pissing contest, and the individual sit down with Ross.
“Okay, ready,” Carina says coming out of the bathroom smiling then seeing Maya apparently lost in thought, “is everything okay, Bambina?”
Maya smiles at the term of endearment, Carina had been using it more often lately, and it made Maya happy, feeling like it’s another part of them they were reclaiming, “everything is okay, my love, you ready?” Maya stands up from the chair.
“Maya,” Carina sighs, “I know when you have something on your mind. What is it?” Carina is worried, they have been moving slowly, but Maya not telling her made her flash to the last six months. Though she knew that wasn’t fair.
“It’s not really fifth date conversation,” Maya deflects, then adds, “it’s about work and we have spent so much time talking about my work and I don’t want to spend time talking about my work when we are together.”
“What happened?” Carina asks, knowing that it would be better for it all to be out and not having it fester under the surface.
“Beckett’s back, I told you that, he’s not gonna take his captaincy back,” Maya says.
“Oh,” Carina says, not sure what to make of that.
“Yea,” Maya nods, “which means 19 needs a new captain.”
“So are you…” Carina trails off.
“No, it’s…” Maya pauses not sure how to say what she is thinking about all of it, so she starts with the facts, “Andy, Sullivan and Ruiz are all going for it. And during last shift we all had a sit down with Ross to gets our vote. And that really sucked cause Ross hates me and I understand that, but being in a room alone with her was awful. And it better be Andy, because if it’s Ruiz or Sullivan gets it, I’ll be pissed. They had their chance, we all did. It’s Andy, she’s more than earned it.”
“Andy?” Carina felt like she was getting whiplash, considering she remembered Maya telling her she wanted her job back, but she had mentioned anything about her trying to get it back.
“Yea, did you really think I would vote Sullivan? I mean Ruiz is a good guy, but Andy’s better.”
“You didn’t put your name in?” Carina asks cautiously.
Maya considers the question, because in the beanery when Ross came in and announced all Lieutenants could put in for it, for a second she could see it, her getting her job back and putting everything right, but then the second was over and she stood as she watched Ruiz stand, then Andy and then Sullivan. But she stayed where she was, she had wanted to talk to Diane about it before she had told Carina anything, because she still wasn’t sure why she didn’t step forward. Worst thing that would have happened was she wouldn’t get it and she’d be where she had been professionally for the last few years. Nothing wrong with trying, but she hadn’t done that she had watched as those three made the shift, nothing short of hell. She looked at Carina they are married, and she should be able to give Carina an imperfect answer, one filled with contradictions and all the awful things she might think.
“I want my job back, and for a second it was all I wanted, and when I sat down with Ross, I told her I wanted my job back one day. That I know and understand, and she should hate me, but I am a good firefighter, and I was a good captain and eventually I want it back. But I don’t want it back right now. Trying to get my job back, I damn near burnt everything I cared about to the ground. I was just missing literal flames,” Maya starts out, “hell if I’d gone on the call with the team and collapsed, there would have been literal flames.”
“Maya,” Carina chides not liking the imagery Maya has created, and she moves towards Maya, but Maya steps back and Carina stays where she is, respecting Maya’s space to get everything out.
“So ya, I want my job back, but not yet.” Maya sums up.
“Why not?” Carina asks genuinely surprised by the admission.
“I’m more important than my title, I mean I’m learning to believe that, and right now I think if I start trying to compete for a captaincy, it’ll be eyes forward. I’ll go back to eyes forward and I don’t want that. Besides that, I don’t think I’m the best choice for 19, not right now, but Andy is. She’s been the captain for months, she kept us safe, when we were spinning. She showed up for Jack. For me. She’s earned it,” Maya says and exhales not sure she’s gotten her point across, that she wants to be better for herself, but also for her and Carina. She wants their marriage to be solid and them to be happy and that one day she’ll go for it, but she isn’t sure that’s what she actually said, then Maya finishes with an afterthought, “though if Sullivan becomes captain I think I might really regret not going after it, not that it would have made a difference, but I can’t handle having another captain who hates me for what I’ve done.”
“You mean the blackmail,” Carina asks, she wanted to go to Maya, but Maya was pacing as she talked and wasn’t ready for physical touch.
“That and me giving Beckett the bottle, I don’t want to be that person and Andy won’t go on about it, she knows that I know I’m a monster and she won’t go on about it, Ruiz wont either, he wasn’t happy, but he hasn’t ever mentioned it. Sullivan…. Sullivan will bring it up the first time it helps him, and I know it. And I can’t keep taking shit from a captain who wants me to fail because I made a decision, I would do anything to take back,” Maya says.
Carina moved to Maya and this time Maya let Carina hold her and Carina held on tight, and she felt Maya exhale against her shoulder. When Maya told her about the bottle shortly after she showed Carina the photos Dixon had given her, Carina had been livid. Not just because of what Maya had done, but because she could have gotten all of them hurt. Carina knows that Maya had a role in that, but she hadn’t forced Beckett to drink, that would forever be on him, but the fact that Maya was willing to roll the dice with a drunk Captain. Carina knew that Maya had changed, that she was doing the work and she was sure that they would be okay, because Maya didn’t want to be that person.
Maya pulls away from Carina and wipes her tears away quickly, “I wanna be better. I want my job back, but I also want it back because I am the best person for it. And it’s not all I am, I want to be your wife and want to find the balance. I want to be there for you when you build your practice, and we share late nights at work because it’s important but are important to and I don’t want to lose sight of that. And I’m not sure I’m ready to go for it without losing sight of us. So, for now, I’m a lieutenant with a deep desire to move up one day.”
“I love you, for you, Maya, not your rank,” Carina says.
“You do?” Maya asks softly.
“Very much,” Carina says and pulls Maya back towards her, she puts her hands on Maya’s cheeks wipes the tears that had fallen.
Maya leans up and captures Carina’s lips in a kiss and Carina returns the kiss enthusiastically. Carina breaks away reluctantly, putting a finger against Maya’s lips as a promise she would be right back. She moves over to her suitcase and begins looking for the small pouch that she had put her ring in, she moved back to Maya and holds the pouch out to Maya. Maya opens the pouch and shakes it to get her ring fall out on Maya’s palm. Maya’s eyes snap back to Carina’s in a silent question. Carina holds out her left hand.
“Are you sure? I mean I know you haven’t been wearing it,” Maya says.
“I am, I’m your wife and I want everyone to know that” Carina says.
Maya steps forwards and slides Carina’s wedding ring back onto her finger and she gives Carina a kiss. As a promise that they will be better that they will okay. And Carina is sure that they will be. She is sure that one day Maya will be a captain, then a battalion chief then chief. She’s sure that one day she will open a practice and she is sure that one day she and Maya will be parents, but for now. For now, they are two women in love with each other and they kiss with the promise of many tomorrows.