"Thanks," Tony says to Steve as he takes the dirty dishes from him. To anyone else, it would seem a bit ridiculous. Tony Stark washing dishes a day before he goes back in the past to fix something he broke again. But standing in the kitchen of this compound, the one that once belonged to his father, the one he made mean something more to a lot more people, cleaning up the table before they risk everything once again is his way of calming down.
It is his way of remembering what he would be coming back to: Morgan, Pepper, Rhodey, the Avengers. It also reminds him of why he is doing all of this: Peter, Happy, Wanda, Wilson and the countless others who will have lost only five years of their lives if what they plan to do works out tomorrow.
Tony notices Steve is still there, silently shuffling his feet at the door. These past few days of living together again after calling a truce have been as if a page out of the past. Tony is surprised at how easy it was to fall back into old patterns; morning coffee with Tasha, being in the lab again with Bruce, and his late night conversations with Steve.
It had been their thing even back before, when the air around them hadn't been too strained, and though their conversations now are mostly centered around the planning, they have been more genuine and honest than before. Tony trusts all of them to get them through this, takes everyone's input but if there is one person whose insight he he trusts the most even after all this time is Steve.
Tony also doesn't feel the need to hold back anymore, they have seen each other at their best with their moments of calm and peace and then at their worst, with their gloves off and blood pounding in their ears and somehow made through it. There is a new understanding to their conversations now. Steve actively listens now, seeing where Tony is coming from and Tony doesn't hide back behind his walls to build a fortress for Steve to climb through. It leaves Tony a bit off-footed at times.
But that is what it is now, what they have now. Either Steve or him seeking out the other when one can't sleep and they sit. Sometimes in silence, sometimes they talk but never about them. Never about who they had been, who they were to each other. It is a thing of the past, a past so far behind that often Tony has to wonder if it ever was real. If the time Steve and him were together somewhere before Ultron till the whole mess, would it have turned into something more? If given a chance, in a world away from their mistakes would they have gotten a chance to find out what they could be?
While Tony is musing about all this, Steve is still standing in the kitchen, just close enough that Tony can see him from the corner of his eyes. A thoughtful expression on his face, the young face of the man who had come out of the ice eleven years ago replaced by this man who has lived his fair share of life here now and the 21st century has left its mark on him. Even though the serum slows down his aging, there is a change in Steve which one can't deny. Tony's urge to punch him in his perfect teeth has certainly gone down significantly over time.
Tony is just about to restart the conversation that they had left the table with when Steve finally decides to speak.
"I can't remember the last time we kissed" Steve's voice stuns Tony.
Tony knows that these past few days they have been dancing around on a mixture of mutual respect and a tentative friendship slowly finding place in the burnt land of what once was them and for Steve to so abruptly break their implied decision of not dwelling on their past of what once had been surprises Tony. But it makes sense, that even after all the world-ending events, the birth of his daughter, his divorce and so much more that has happened in his life, it is Steve Rogers who once again sneaks up on him again and surprises him.
Tony is still silent when Steve continues, as if he is not even aware of Tony being there even though his words are clearly addressing him. "I know, it is absurd. I am a super soldier. I am supposed to have photographic memory, but I can't remember," he says. Tony sees rather than hears what Steve is trying to say. He doesn't say, "I don't remember the last time we kissed."
He finally turns to meet Tony's eyes, "I can't," as if that memory is too unimaginable for him to even revisit after everything.
Tony understands this because he treats their memories in the same way, in a time away from the present, the future, the past, just in a time. He does not want to taint them with the knowledge of what he now knows will transpire after. And he does not want to taint them with the now as well, which is why he busies himself with the dishes as he says "Blue-meanie was just talking about how she should go with Barton to Vormir instead of Nat,"
Hoping that Steve has taken the hint, Tony looks up to find Steve with his classic smile. "Makes sense, what with that being her sister's final resting place, it makes sense for her to revisit to say goodbye to her properly," Tony nods dumbly but his brain is still stuck on Steve's words. He needs to focus on tomorrow, Tony tells himself but before he can try to continue their discussion on the team for Vormir and other much safer topics, Steve opens up his stupid mouth once more, "Our actions tomorrow they define whether the world would end tomorrow,"
"It did end once already." Tony points out, and Steve nods in agreement as he continues. "And all that time, all this time, I have been thinking about the last time we kissed." Steve says it matter-of-factly, but it winds Tony's whole body right up. He is suddenly much more aware of what he is doing and who he is here with. This is Steve, kind and sweet, snarky and a great bullshitter Steve, who has taken it as a challenge to make what very well could be Tony's last night on Earth turned up on its axis.
Taking Tony's refusal to talk about their last kiss has given Steve permission to remember it. Steve takes a step in Tony's direction, his blue eyes piercing through Tony's soul as he recounts, "I remember I was sitting in a chair, reading the newspaper, you passed me by as you leaned into me and said goodbye. I looked up and you left a light kiss on my lips," Steve almost closes his eyes as if trying to imagine it. He then opens them up again and shakes his head fondly as he says, "The smell of that fancy shampoo of yours still lingered in the air long after you had left the room, I still can't tell which flower it was."
Tony remembers that he and Steve used to argue about Tony using too much shampoo. Tony would run after Steve to get him to try new products, but Steve would look at him dryly and say that he would prefer it if their entire compound didn't smell like a flower shop.
Steve meets his eyes, trying to find something from him. He doesn't actively show his feelings, his face still set in that polite smile Tony is used to seeing on him when Steve is listening to people around him talk but his mind is somewhere far away. Tony doesn't know what answer Steve finds but whatever it is, it settles a resigned look in his eyes and makes him pick up their previous conversation thread, " I will check in with Clint once more about Vormir."
He moves to leave and something just tugs inside of Tony, his body screaming to make him stay and so he suddenly blurts out, "Lavender."
Tony does not know why Steve is doing this. Maybe the possibility of tonight being their last night on Earth has him reminiscing on all of his missed connections, maybe it is the goodbye they never got to bid each other. It doesn't matter, Tony will indulge him. He has always had a hard time saying no to Steve anyway.
Steve abandons his movements to leave and turns towards Tony again, his full attention on him and it makes Tony take a gard swallow as he braves on.
"It was a Thursday morning and I had to wash my hair because I would be out of town for the weekend," He doesn't mention that he was leaving to go to the MIT presentation, there is no point in it and there is no place for it in his memories of them, "I was rushing through the common room and grabbing an apple when I saw you on the armchair going through the newspaper and I brushed your arm," They are standing in front of each other, reaching in the middle albeit Tony was at a little distance from Steve.
Steve continues, "You put your hand on my chest," Tony finally finds the courage to take that final step and places his palm right in the middle of Steve's chest, his fingers extending over Steve's ribcage. He can feel Steve's heart beating fast beneath them.
"And I leaned down to kiss you soft, quick, like.." Tony stares into Steve's eyes, the air sucked out of the room, "it was a habit,"
"Like we would do it every day for the rest of our lives," Steve finishes quietly and Tony shudders a deep breath. He cannot be here, what was he thinking doing this here with Steve as if their handshake meant everything was resolved, as if they were just two normal exes talking, as if they weren't remembering the last time they were happy. He moves to remove his hand from Steve's chest but Steve moves faster, enclosing his hand over Tony's, his other hesitantly settling over Tony's waist as if unsure whether he has a right to but sure that he wants to.
"What are we doing, Rogers? A last hurrah before the world ends tomorrow?" Tony asks half-kidding. Even if all Steve wants is a last night of comfort with someone, Tony can do that for him. He can do it and then live with those memories just as he has been living with their previous ones.
When all he gets is Steve's small bark of laugh, Tony moves his face a little to gaze at Steve. He is holding Tony with his eyes closed, his grip just a little shy of being too uncomfortable but he is here holding Tony as if this is the last time he would ever get to do so. A realization slowly dawns on him, as he wracks his brain trying to remember Steve's moments the past few days.
The handing over of running Avengers to Nat completely, setting aside some money for Clint's kids, visiting Wilson's and Barnes' rooms and leaving something there.
This is Steve saying his goodbyes.
"No," a guttural sound escapes Tony's throat as sudden fear engulfs him, "You are not giving up,"
Steve closes his eyes even more tightly but Tony is not having his nonsense. He lifts his hand from Steve's chest to his jaw so that they are directly facing each other as he says this, "You are going to come back, here. Because if not then what you are doing just now? It is kind of a sick joke Rogers and you are not that cruel,"
Steve's face which rarely expresses anything has so much emotion on it right now that it makes Tony take a sharp breath.
"I am not playing a joke on you Tony. Those memories, our time together, they had been my reason to get through these five years. And it isn't that I am actively planning my death Tony," He gives a wry smile "I am not you," and it almost makes Tony protest but he doesn't want to interrupt Steve right now.
"They have been my reason to stay all along," Tony sees Steve hesitates as he chooses his next words carefully and so he tries to run his arm up and down Steve's shoulder to let him at ease, eben though Steve with his every word is changing Tony's perception of the world "But I guess I just wanted to see what exactly I would be coming back to. I may not be cruel Tony but I am selfish,"
Tony never would have imagined that he would be back here once again, in Steve's arms. In all his musings of second chances and what-ifs, Tony never let himself think of a possibility where Steve would want him back again. He almost wants to bring up the reasons they would never work, their glaringly obvious reasons, the mechanics of it all. What stops him though is the tentative hope in Steve's eyes who is still waiting for an answer.
Tony is aware of Steve's arm still wrapped around his waist although it has loosened as Steve went on with his confession. Tony lets himself hear Steve, understand the meaning behind his words and the weight they carry. He lets them play around in his mind a bit and decides he wants this. He wants Steve Rogers' sole focus and undivided attention on him, he wants to not just live in the memories anymore, he wants them to be something more. He wants their complications, the hard parts of getting to know each other once again and then the parts of them maybe, finally finding their footing.
So he throws away the logically framed well-reasoned arguments his brain has framed over the years of pondering what ifs and listens to his heart as he runs both of his hands around Steve's face, "Come back for me, Cap," and then he smiles what he hopes is an encouraging smile, "Come back to me, Steve" and gently kisses him.
Steve's lips part opening up slowly with his hands gripping at Tony's lower back while Tony has his arms over Steve's broad shoulders. It is a re-learning and yet a new experience altogether. Steve's touch feels familiar but the way he is touching Tony, the desperation coupled with disbelief is new. Tony makes sure to convey to Steve that he is not the only one desperate for this, that Steve is not alone in this and Tony is right there with him.
Maybe it is too much to be said by a kiss, maybe they will have to use their words for that one. No issue, they can do that when they have everything settled down.
Steve's smile after they part flutters Tony's heart and he holds on that feeling and adds it on the top of the list of the reasons to come back for.