Hearts and Minds
The days were blowing by fast now, too fast for James's liking really. In a month it would be christmas break, in a few months he wouldnt have the joy of staring at the younger black brother from afar.
It had become his ritual, wake up, wake everyone else, shower and hope that when he roamed the castle he would bump into the boy.
Today wasnt quite like that, today was different. He did wake up, blast abba and continue his morning as normal, even breakfast was pretty normal. He spoke softly, joining in the conversation without tearing his eyes from the slytherin table, from exactly where little black usually sat.
Except today he didn't sit for breakfast. That was the first thing wrong with this morning; the lack of regulus at the breakfast table. Infact his whole little friend group wasn't there, well except for Pandora who was sat with Lily.
This little change in routine was enough to set off James's anxiety more than usual and in the space of a few moments he was jittery.
"Prongs you alright?" Sirius always so attentive was watching his fingers drum on the table as his leg shook. Somewhere in a far off universe James could hear him talking, but all he could focus on was the whitenoise around him. It wasnt until Sirius had snapped his fingers infront of his face that James managed to focus on him.
"Come on Prongs, were going for a walk" his voice was soft, soothing as stong arms hoisted James up from his seat and began steering him through the people. Around chairs and people his hand slung over his shoulders to look careless, normal.
"Breathe James, Breathe"
Had he stop breathing? When had he stopped breathing? How did one person being missing from the breakfast table become so overpowering? What was happening to him? James's thoughts spiralled around his head, growing louder and louder until his throat began to close.
Some how, without him noticing Sirius had managed to get him back up to gryffindor tower and had sat him on his bed. Kneeling directly infront of a now wheezing james Sirius held his face in his hands. Callused but warm, soft, familiar.
"James, You need to focus on me" He crooned, thumb swiping gently over his cheek.
"James I need 5 things that you can see?" James tried he really did to swallow through and breathe so he could answer him, but it just wasnt working. Tears had begun to blur his vision now, he didnt try to hide them from sirius as the splashed down his face.
"Come on James. Five things you can see" He tried again.
"Y...You" He began, pulling in a too shallow breath
"The... The curtains" Another far too shallow breath
"Remuses Trunk" his breath was easier to get into his lungs this time but only by the slightest bit
"The door and the picture of us" Sirius nodded
"Now James i need 4 things you can hear"
His thumb hadnt stopped moving over his cheek and he wasn't sure that Sirius even knew what he was doing but it was grounding in the same way it always had been. Rough callused skin swiping so gently over smooth cheek. His mother used to do the same to ground him and Sirius had some how picked up on that in the time hed lived with them so far.
"I can hear you breathing, The common room, the birds and that plant of petes in the courner that makes weird noises"
"Wonderful Prongs, final stretch nearly now. So tell me 3 things that you can smell"
"I can smell your cologne" He began
"The Jasmine in the laundered sheets, and Cigarette smoke" James had managed to clear the blurring in his vision now and he was almost nose to nose with Sirius.
"There you are my brother, 2 things you can feel now"
"You. Touching my cheeks, The bedding"
James's heart had stopped its erratic pounding and his head wasnt foggy now, he knew the final thing was what he could taste and it always tripped him up. But what could he taste? He hadnt had chance to shovel any breakfast into his mouth, no chance to drink anything either.
"You know the final one James" Sirius all but whispered. But what did his mouth taste of?
"I taste..." he trailed off, still uncertain as he rolled his tongue around his mouth trying desperatley to pick up on anything. So desperatley that his heart rate had begun to pick up again.
"No no, stay with me, what can you taste?" but James didnt know, he couldnt taste anything. Why couldnt he taste anything? Sirius shook his head as the once subsiding anxiety began to build again, and as james opened his mouth to speak again two fingers forced their way through his teeth.
Startled James reared back seeing a tiny grin on Siriuses face.
"well?" Trust Padfood to do something like that.
"I taste stale cigarettes" he choaked, pulling Siriuses hand out of his mouth. "The fuck?" James's question merely raised an eyebrow from his counter part.
"You were panicking about what you could taste, I fixed it" Sirius shrugged. "Just so happened that i startled you as well and look no more panic attack"
When he put it like that there wasnt really anything James could say to him since he had started panicking again, and he had fixed it. Again. He merely shook his head and scrubbed a hand down his face.
"You gunna tell me what that was about?" Sirius asked while standing and moving to sit next to james, Drying his finger in his shirt as he went. James shook his head, overcome by guilt at the fact his panic attack was borne from baby black not sitting in his spot at the Slytherin table.
"Not seen you have one of those for a while there, not since the one at the beginning of the year anyway"
It was true he hadnt had a panic attack since the first night back at hogwarts, he hadnt even thought about them. That was a bad one he could admit, panicking about the upcoming war, exams, pranks, fights with slytherin. He hadnt even know what had set him off that day but something had. Completely unlike today where in it was all because his new found obsession wasnt eating his jam on toast and sipping at a cup of coffee.
"Sorry Pads, I don't know what happened."
Sirius looked at him, he could feel the gaze as he studdied what he said and eventually that gaze must of seen something he deemed adequate because after a moment (or four.) "Alright, We better get to class."
Arm in arm the two walked right back out of the dorm, down the stairs and through the common room. Throughout the walk to first class James's mind kept spinning, a budding sense of unease building within him. Regulus never missed breakfast and if he did then the rest of his group didnt. But none of them were there, not one, something was wrong, james could feel it in every step he took that something was wrong today.
First class of the day was Potions, The one where Remus and peter excelled and James and Sirius hung about behind whoever they were partnered with hoping - No praying that their presence wouldnt screw up the potion.
For the most part this tended to work, and usually they scored okay marks on the backs of the other two but today it was different. For whatever reason they were partnered with the wrong people. Slughorn in his absolute wisdom had decided that today we needed to work with the Slytherins, which would be fine for anyone except us.
As slughorn started reading out the pairs Padfoot shot James a look that all but screamed help me and james knew his face echoed the same plea.
"Lupin and Rosier" A groan from both parties could be heard.
"Evans and Sewylin" An eye roll could be heard from Evans. But atleast ot was sewylin and he tended to keep to himself
"Pettigrew and Crouch"
"Black and Snape" The almost curse that flew out of Siriuses mouth caused james to choak on his own tongue.
"Meadows and McKinnon"
"Potter and the younger Black" Did James hear that right? he must be wrong theres no way he's just partnered him with Regulus Black. Regulus is in the year below us, what is he doing in the upper potions class? The class James had only taken because it was needed for becomming an auror.
"Off you go class, instructions are on the bored." He hadnt even checked what potion they were making, and now he was breathing erratically. Great just great.
In almost a daze James walked to the station where Regulus was was already perched sorting the ingredients out.
"Erm, Hi" James gripped the back of his neck nervously as he approached.
"Hello James" Reguluses voice was soft, and just as beautiful as he remembered, infact the boy was just as beautiful as he remembered. Dark curls that looked softer than cashmere, high cheekbones that he wouldnt mind cutting himself on. The closer James got the more his heart beat sped up. Until finally he stood side by side with Regulus.
"Hello Regulus" He breathed, his voice so close to a whisper right over the shell of reguluses ear. The younger boy shivered, and as James moved he saw the tiniest of pink blushes creep up his neck.