The Knowledge
The day flew past, almost in a blurr, potions first then dinner in the great hall. Finally Quidditch practice for James and Sirius which as usual ended in a playfight on the floor. It wasnt until the other members of the Gryffindor quidditch team had filed out of the locker room leaving only the teo that Sirius turned to James and asked
"Is everything okay Prongs? You've been really distracted today"
"Yeah Pad, I'm fine, its just loud you know?" he responded, turning to face his bestfriend. His platonic soulmate as they liked to joke.
It was hard for James, to look at Sirius - To look at his brother and not see the younger version across the courtyard from him. It was difficult to drag the memory from the forefront of his brain and stick it inside the box filed "for later" and focus on the boy infront of him.
The boy from the same house, from the same family, who knew the pain and horror of a thousand years and not think of Regulus. It was difficult to remember that Sirius was safe, away from his parents and living on the holidays in Potter Manor the same place he had lived since 3rd Year when he knocked the door down. James knew that Sirius understood when he told him it was too loud. Sirius understood that not even to sleep did James's brain shut up, it kept turning, it kept talking.
Sirius nodded and threw an arm around James. "Does that muggle medicine not help?" He asked.
"Not really, it tends to make everything really slow? like I'm moving in slow motion" James had tried many times to explain how the Muggle medicine Adderall didnt do much other than make him feel like he was wading in hip deep mud. They needed him alert, quick to react especially in quiddich.
"Whats it saying?" Sirius asked hebwas far too adept at noticing when James's brain got exceptionally loud.
"At the moment its throwing a thousand different things at me its hard to focus on just one" He muttered in response.
The Muggle doctor had told James that accompanying the ADHD he also had an anxiety dissorder but he hadnt seen it fit to tell this information to Sirius. Knowing how severely Sirius suffered with his own mental wellbeing. When Sirius had gone into the muggle doctors as a joke they had informed him that he suffered from Complex post traumatic stress dissorder CPTSD. They recconmended therapy for him but in true Sirius fashion he stormed out of the room, never to return.
It wasn't until James felt Sirius's hands on his face that he remembered he wasn't alone, and he was stood in the locker room still.
"Mate, you sure you're okay? should I go grab you some potions?" He asked, James shook his head
"No potions, I'm okay. I think im just going to sit in here and smoke a joint" James sat and pulled a small tin out of his bag and pulled one out.
"Alright man, I'm going to go and find Remus, see if he'll look over my transfiguration homework for tomorrow" James shook his head, black strands wafted across his forehead as he leaned back against the cool wall. Eyes closed, lips parted on an exhale as the smoke wafted upwards and his bestfriend left.
James was aware when the door to the locker room shut quietly behind Sirius, he was aware of the fact that now he was alone. Alone with his spiralling thoughts of icy grey eyes and jet black curls.
Slowly James smoked, and then lit another when the first was done so absorbed in his own thoughts, in the feeling of being sky high that he hadnt noticed when the door creaked open. He didnt notice until he felt anothers eyes on him that he was no-longer alone. He made no effort to move though, his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and his shirt semi unbuttoned. He kept his head against the cool wall as he opened his eyes on an exhale and came face to face with the last person he expected to see.
Standing infront of him, arms crossed over his chest, unlit cigarette in his mouth and his uniform ruffled was Regulus Black.
James raised an eyebrow, taking the chance to really look at the boy. His eyes were paler than Sirius's, still silver all the same but where Sirius's reminded him of storm clouds Reguluses were sheets of ice. his brows were the same shape though, exactly the same as his brothers. His nose and cheekbones were more prominent than Sirius, higher, sharper, simply more. His hair wasnt as long but it was darker, seeming sapping every ray of light into it from the room. Then there were the curls, shiny, well groomed bouncy curls that James wanted nothing more than to play with.
James took his time survaying him, making his way slowly down to his mouth. This was the bit that didn't resemble Sirius, They werent the same shape, they were full and they were rosy but they weren't the same shape. It took a while but eventually he managed to rip his eyes from the lower portion of the boys face to meet those steely eyes again.
"Am I that pretty or are you just that high youve forgotten how to speak. Its custom to greet someone before undressing them with your eyes" Regulus spoke and every nerve in James's body went into overdrive, lighting him up like a firework on the 4th July. His voice was soft, snarky and deep for a 15 year old. It was something that he would never be able to compare to anything else. Something that he knew would haunt his dreams for a while, if not forever.
He tried to speak, he tried to form the words that he wasn't admiring the other boy but as he opened his mouth everything he had planned to say evaporated. Instead he sat there mouth agape trying to gorm words.
"Fancy that. James Potter with nothing to say" Regulus chuckled, a mean sort of noise but the sound still sent a bolt of lightening straight to James crotch. That alone ideally should of knocked him right out of his temporary paralysis and although it kind of did it wasnt good enough. What did knock him out of it was when Regulus turned away to find his wand which was stashed under his robes.
After alot of coughing and fast readjusting James managed to compose himself just enough that he was able to summon a small flame at the end of his wand and relight what he had been smoking before holding the wand out to Regulus.
"they're bad for you, you know" James muttered
"No worse than the pot youre smoking there"
"Touché"
James had never thought that Regulus would be witty, Sirius was fast with light jokes and fun but Regulus was faster. The more James thought about it, the less he reminded him of his elder brother and more so royalty.
"I take it you hide in here often then James?" Regulus had plopped himself down on the bench adjacent to James long legs propped on the oposite side.
"It's quiet here" he answered, looking down at the floor to attempt to keep his composure.
"I get that, I like the quiet too" Reguluses voice was soft, there was not hint of wit or joke making only solidarity. James isnt sure what possessed him, maybe some need to explain why the loudest person in Hogwarts preferred to be left on the quiet. He doesn't really know. What he does know is that it wasn't the smartest thing he's ever done, telling a Slytherin but still James exhaled the smoke and said
"I have ADHD and anxiety. I get simultaneously overwhelmed easily and also distracted fast. So sometimes being in the quiet although it drives the ADHD mad to sit still, it quiets the anxiety ruling my head. It's been very loud today." James ran a hand through his hair, not daring to look at the other boy and cursing himself internally for telling someone outside of his three bestfriends.
It was quiet again, Regulus was quiet.
"I have no idea why I've just told you that" James muttered, more to himself than anyone but still there was no answer from Regulus.
They sat in silence, the only noise was the combined breathing. He couldn't say why but sitting in the silence with his bestfriends younger brother seemed to quiet everything, everything inside of his head until finally James could relax.