Chapter three
Clint woke up to the feeling of a coffee mug being placed into his hand- okay, maybe this was the second or third time waking up, but this was the only time that counted because, coffee! Clint looked up at Bucky and smiled sweetly while taking a big sip of his coffee. It was literally his life blood and he didn't care if it was going to cause a heart attack one day- if teenagers can drink three energy drinks a day then he can drink five cups of extremely potent coffee.
Bucky was feeding Olivia while also trying to get Lucky's food out of the cupboard. They were probably going to have to buy one of those automatic feeders. Clint downed the rest of his coffee and walked over to help Bucky, grabbing Lucky's food and using the cup that was in the bag to measure out his portion. Clint had started to monitor Lucky's portion sizes as he was starting to get a bit tubby, much to Lucky's dismay.
"Thank you, Clint." Bucky smiled and pushed a freshly refilled mug of coffee across the counter towards Clint, who smiled and gladly took it in his hands. He was using it to warm up his hands as he was only wearing the same Dog Cops T-shirt from yesterday (so he hadn't washed it in a while, so what? Sue him.) and his boxers. Despite falling asleep on the couch in his Hawkeye PJs, he must've gotten overheated at some point in the night and kicked them off in his sleep. So, now he was standing in the kitchen in only boxers, shivering, in front of the man he had kissed just yesterday.
Bucky, however, was used to this and just rolled his eyes, before glancing back down to Olivia, who was still happily guzzling down on the formula, and then back up at Clint. "Go get changed, idiot, before you freeze your nips off." He emphasized the "idiot" with an affectionate eye-roll. Clint nodded and slunk off towards the stairs. He put on his least holy pair of sweatpants, which were luckily black and a nice thick material. Then Clint peeled off the Dogs Cops shirt and threw it in the laundry basket before donning an old band shirt and a nice, thick purple hoodie.
He shoved on some random socks and then made his way back downstairs, hoping to finish his coffee before it went cold. Instead, he was greeted by Lucky saying thank you for his breakfast. He pushed Lucky off, laughing brightly and went back to the kitchen. Clint grabbed his coffee and took a sip while it was still somewhat warm. Bucky smiled at him, bouncing Olivia in his arms gently as she slowly started to drift off into sleep.
"Hey," Bucky whispered and Clint threw up a little wave. "Could you take her for a bit while I get showered and dressed?" Clint nodded, "Yeah, 'course, just let me refill my cup real quick." "Thanks, sweetheart." Clint cocked an eyebrow at him, "'Sweetheart'?" "I... was talking to the baby?" If Clint raised his eyebrow any higher, it was sure to fly off his face, "Yeah, sure." He drawled, drawing out the 'u' sound in 'sure'.
Clint took a quick sip of his third cup of coffee, inhaling the sweet aroma, before placing the mug on the counter and taking Olivia from Bucky, who smiled and then... kissed him. On the lips. Clint's brain buffered and then restarted, Bucky was snickering at him, before smiling once more and turning on his heel to go upstairs and get ready for the day.
This would be their first official day with Olivia. Clint walked over to the fridge to check their To-do list for things they would be able to achieve with a newborn. Top of the list was grocery shopping. They'd been putting it off for the last few weeks, surviving on non-perishables, because the last time they went into town one of the old women who had known Clint when he was little had asked if they were dating. Which at the time, they weren't even kissing or anything (unlike now) and it had made them uncomfortable.
But now they were running out of food and desperately needed to hit up a grocery store. They also needed to start preparing the farm for winter- when Clint was a boy, this was a much bigger practice as they actually had farm animals and crops to protect, but nowadays it was mostly desolate so all they needed to do was make sure everything was in the barn or the attic to keep it safe and then finish the weather-proofing on the barn's new roof. But this would have to wait a little bit now, because there was a baby in their life.
Clint suddenly realised that he probably needed to call Kate before she came all the way to Iowa to kill him. Slowly walking over to the stairs, Clint could hear the shower still running, so he went into the living room area and plopped down on the couch, still tightly cradling Olivia in his arms. Then he gently shifted so he could reach for his phone and extract it from his pocket all while keeping Olivia asleep.
Clint knew that Kate would want to see Olivia so he decided on Face-Time. He knew that Kate would probably already know because she was living with Yelena, who Nat told basically everything to. He pressed the call button, it rang once, twice, and then Clint was greeted by an angry-looking Kate. She was definitely about to shout before Clint put a finger to his mouth, shushing her, and angled the camera down to show off a very asleep baby on his chest. Kate's face immediately softened into a little smile.
Clint whispered "I'm sorry I didn't tell you yesterday Katie-Kate, it was all so overwhelming. And I'm sorry I haven't talked to you properly in five years." Kate stopped smiling at the baby and focused on his face, expression hardening, before remembering she had to whisper and saying "I know you were having a hard time, Clint, but that didn't mean you had to cut me out- I was on your side!" And- well, how could Clint argue with that? Kate had been on his side.
"I know, Kate, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. I was angry and I will forever feel guilty about that, but-" Clint heard noises near the stairs and saw Bucky, shirtless and hair wet, clearly unsure of whether or not to come forwards into the living room. Clint gave him a short nod and he pushed off of the banister rail, smiling as he came over. Kate had gone quiet but Clint didn't care because he was just staring at Bucky's bare, chiseled torso, glistening from the shower.
Bucky came up next to Clint and very gently plucked Olivia out of his arms, meeting Clint in the middle for a quick little kiss, which was exactly when Clint remembered that he was on Face-Time, because he heard a very loud gasp on the other end of the phone. Clint looked back down at the phone, Kate looked gobsmacked. Clint rolled his eyes, "Kate say hi to Bucky." "Hi, Bucky." Bucky waved slightly, rocking Olivia against his chest.
"Kate, I gotta go, grocery shopping awaits me!" Kate had a shit-eating grin and said, "Yeah, bye Clint, enjoy 'grocery shopping'." Clint sighed, "No, seriously, all we have is frozen peas and Kraft mac 'n' cheese." Kate grimaced, "Okay, bye, and start texting me again!" "I will, bye Kate!" and with that, his phone screen went back to its lock screen- a photo of Lucky- and Clint saw that it was now 10:30 AM.
Clint turned to Bucky, who cocked an eyebrow at him, "So that's Kate, then?" Clint scrubbed a hand down his face, "Yeah, she's a lot, but she's one of my favourite people, I guess. And we really do need to go grocery shopping, did someone fit the car seat yesterday?" "Yeah, I did, it's in the truck." They had two cars, a little Ford Focus and an old truck, they weren't the best but they did the job. "Okay, good."
Clint looked back down at Bucky's bare chest, but this time not to ogle, despite the adorable way Olivia was being held protectively against his muscles. "D'you want me to hold her while you put a shirt on? I mean, not that I'm complaining, but, y'know..." Clint trailed off. Bucky raised an eyebrow, "You might crash the car if I don't?" Clint nodded, "Wouldn't want that, would we Bucky?" "Nah, s'pose not. I'll be two secs." He handed Olivia back to Clint and rushed back upstairs.
A few minutes later they were all in the car, heat blasting from the radiators while the windscreen finished de-frosting. It couldn't have been more than 30 degrees outside and Clint was freezing. Olivia was in fluffy little bear footie pyjamas to keep her nice and snuggly, she looked absolutely adorable in them. When her hair had dried yesterday, it had lightened into a blonde instead of the mousy-brown it was originally, and it was adorable to say the least.
When the windscreen had finally defrosted enough, Clint put the car in gear and slowly eased them onto the road leading off the property. It was roughly an hour's drive to the nearest big grocery store, and Bucky had decided to sit in the back with Olivia because he was anxious, so Clint was on his own in the front with the radio playing quietly in the background. It was kind of therapeutic- driving through the winter scenery in a warm truck with quiet music and tiny baby breaths coming from the back as Olivia slept. Usually they would just go to the local grocery store in town, but they were doing a full restock of their cupboards and would need more than what was offered there.
When they got to the Walmart, Clint got Olivia situated in the baby seat at the front of the shopping cart and they were heading into the store. It was fairly common to see other people from their town in this Walmart, even though it was quite far away, for the same reason that Clint came here, so he was very worried that someone would see them but he braced himself and they went through the doors into the Walmart.
Everything was going okay, they had bought ingredients for meals for roughly the next week, some cereal and other non-perishables that needed restocking, coffee- so much coffee, and then they went over to the clothing aisle as they both needed new winter gear and if they stayed in Iowa for much longer, so would Olivia, so- two birds and one stone. This was when their shopping trip started to derail. See, Clint was picking out winter gear for Bucky (who was rocking Olivia back-and-forth while nodding or shaking his head), when one of his more tolerable neighbours- the local baker- came around the corner and spotted them.
The baker in question was a woman called Nora Danbury, she had been the local baker for Clint's whole life and he was pretty sure she was immortal because she didn't look a day over forty-five. Nora had: shoulder-length, dark brown hair; red, circular-frame glasses; and she almost always wore her apron, no matter where she was. Clint really liked Mrs. Danbury, she had always been nice to him when he was a little kid and babysat him a lot. Sometimes she even talked his dad *into* letting her babysit, and it was always at her house. Clint thinks she probably knew what was happening and was trying her hardest to help.
She came over to greet Clint and Bucky before she saw the baby in his arms and stopped dead in her tracks. Clint groaned under his breath before saying, "Hiiii, Mrs. Danbury!" She couldn't take her eyes off of Olivia even as she answered with "Hiya Clint, Bucky, aaaand..." Bucky picked up on what she was asking, "Olivia." He provided. Nora nodded and smiled at her, "Hi Olivia." She finally turned to look at Clint, who was still holding up two pairs of gloves for Bucky to choose from, and quietly asked "Soooo, how long have you-" "-Had a baby? Since yesterday when she got safe surrendered on our doorstep." Mrs. Danbury's expression softened even further before saying, "Oh, poor thing, are you two planning on keeping her?"
Clint nodded, "That's certainly the plan, we might end up moving back to New York for the help of our friends, it takes a village yanno." She nodded sagely, "Yes, certainly." She leant in further and said "If you ain't datin' that boy yet, hurry up before someone else takes 'im." Clint chuckled quietly, looking back over at Bucky who was still cradling Olivia in his arms, before focusing back on Nora, "Y'know, I think I might do just that." She smiled cheekily and then looked back over at Bucky and raised her voice to say, "Well, I'll leave you boys," she looked down at Olivia, "and bears," in reference to her adorable little onesie, "to it! Oh, and Clint, get the right ones, I'm telling you right now, your boy does *not* want those god-awful purple gloves." She turned to Bucky, "Do you?"
Bucky shook his head and answered, "No, Ma'am, but he keeps trying thinking I'll eventually say yes." She rolled her eyes and said "Men." and with that, she was gone- disappeared behind the clothing racks. Clint stared at Bucky, betrayed, "You said you liked those gloves!" "Clint, they're neon purple. Any normal person would hate them." "Yeah, and you're normal." "'M more normal than you." Clint scoffed playfully, "Yeah, sure."
They finished up shopping, payed, and headed back to the car to make the trip back home- it was around 1PM now and they were all very hungry, luckily there was a Mcdonald's across the road from the Walmart and they would be stopping there first. (Yes, they had packed extra formula for Olivia so she would also be eating.)
Clint was now happily chowing down on his food- a large cheeseburger meal with fries and a Diet Coke as he thought that regular Coke was far too sweet, and that was coming from him of all people. He turned to face Bucky, who was sitting on the seat next to him at the table, feeding Olivia (who was sitting in one of those McDonald’s baby chairs) with one hand and eating his meal with the gloved, metal one.
Bucky hadn’t had much McDonald’s in his life, on account of being a brainwashed Russian assassin for seventy years, but Clint had bought him a meal on his third day in Iowa and it was like Bucky was suddenly seeing in colour for the first time. The meal in question was: a cheeseburger (classic), fruit bag (a little odd, but he said he didn’t like how salty the fries were), and a large Sprite (he had begun to prefer normal lemonade, but nothing can beat a McDonald’s Sprite).
Olivia was happily babbling in her seat next to Bucky, who was smiling at her fondly. The McDonald’s was fairly busy as it was lunch time, so it was filled with families and friends, teenagers, kids, delivery drivers, etcetera. But all Clint wanted to do was lean over and kiss Bucky. Instead, he pulled out his shitty old phone and took a photo of Bucky and Olivia. Bucky looked over at him when he heard the camera shutter, “What was that for?”
Clint smirked and showed him the photo, “Memories, well that and you looked cute.” Bucky raised an eyebrow, “Cute, huh?” “Yeah, you and… our daughter.” “Huh, I like that- ‘our daughter’, sounds official.” Clint took a sip of his Coke, “We could be… official.” Bucky stared at Clint for moment before throwing his head back and bursting into laughter. Bucky’s laugh was beautiful, but this was terrifying. Clint’s face dropped, did Bucky not… want to date him? He had kissed Clint first, why would he not want to date him?
Time slowed down as Clint waited for him to answer. “Did you just ask me out in McDonald’s?” “Oh. Um, yeah I guess I did.” “Gods, Barton, that is so you! Of course I’ll date you, you fool!” Clint sighed, relieved. “Oh thank gods, I thought you were going to say no!” Bucky stared at him like he had grown a second head, “Why on Earth would I say no?” Clint laughed and raised his arms in surrender, “I don’t know!” “Okay, idiot, should we go home now?” Clint nodded, “Yeah, definitely, we have frozen stuff in the truck.” Bucky’s eyes widened, “Shoot! I forgot about that!” “It’s fine, it’s freezing cold outside anyway.” “Yeah, okay, just let me finish my Sprite first.” “Mhm, ‘course.”
A few minutes later they were all back in the car- Clint in the driver’s seat and Bucky in the back with Olivia again. It was October now and in Iowa, that meant that Winter was right around the corner. This was why it was so important they stocked up on food- Clint didn’t really want to have to go out in the dead of winter and the canned goods they’d gotten would help with that.
It would be Halloween soon and then Thanksgiving and then Christmas and then- and then it would be another set of holidays that Clint would spend without his family- without Natasha, without Kate, and as much as he hates to admit it, without The Avengers. Seeing them all and hearing Kate’s voice had made him realise that he wanted to go home. That he wanted to go back to New York. Clint didn’t want to be alone anymore, didn’t want to be angry anymore.
Those six months where Bucky had been gone in New York were torturous for him- he had been alone for three years before Bucky and he had been fine, but friendship and having someone in his house had made him dependent on companionship. Clint wanted to see Kate, he wanted to go home. Distantly, he heard Bucky shifting in the back seat, but he didn’t care, he just wanted to go home. New York-home, not Iowa-home.
“Clint, are you okay? You’re crying.” He couldn’t say anything because he was busy choking down childish sobs. “Clint, pull over.” He couldn’t breathe, he was gripping the steering wheel and his vision was blurry. All Clint could do was nod and turn his indicator on as he continued to spiral. It was silly, he knew that, but he was also great at catastrophizing- at making things worse than they really are. And right now, it was this. This ultimate, amplified feeling of guilt, for missing out, for being angry, and most of all for leaving.
Clint pulled the car over, his body running on autopilot. As soon as the car stopped moving, Bucky was in the passenger seat next to him. He put a hand on Clint’s shoulder, “Clint. Hey, Clint look at me. Focus on my face, Clint.” Clint was hyperventilating now, he was panicking. Bucky moved his hand to Clint’s face and suddenly Clint was looking at his boyfriend and his beautiful new daughter. Olivia truly was beautiful and dammit she was going to be part of His Family.
“...int? Clint, can you hear me? Please, you need to listen to me, okay? Follow my breathing.” Bucky took a deep breath, “Look at me, Clint. In.” He breathed out, slowly, forcing the air out of his lungs, “Out, okay? You need to do this.” Clint wanted his family, wanted to go home. A sob was ripped from his throat, loud and ugly. “Clint, you need to breathe.” He knows that! He knows that breathing is a simple task, but he can’t focus on that because he was spiralling, still. And then-
CRACK! Bucky slapped him across the face. Clint turned his body to stare at Bucky in shock. “What the hell was that for?!” Bucky shrugged nonchalantly, like he hadn’t just smacked his boyfriend in the face. “You weren’t listening to me. You needed to have a shock to your system to snap you out of it before you passed out, Clint.” Clint nodded, “Thank you, then. I can’t believe I just had a panic attack!” “I can. This has all been a big shock- it’s not a surprise that just happened. Your processing was probably delayed.” Clint shook his head- “No, that’s not it. I just realised that I haven’t seen or spoken to any of my friends in six years.”
Bucky nodded, “That’s understandable, Clint, you were angry- justifiably so- and you needed to protect your wellbeing, but you aren’t angry anymore. That doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty about it.” Clint sniffled, “I just want to go home.” Bucky nodded, “Okay, d’you want me to drive? I can take over.” Clint shook his head, “I mean New York.” “Okay, we can-” Clints interrupts him “Next week, if that’s okay?” Bucky looked at Olivia, then back to Clint, “Of course, but why such a sudden decision?” “I need to see Kate, I-I’ve missed so much already. I mean, Tony has a kid! Two, even! He’s got that baby and the teenager he acquired! Kate’s dating Yelena now and they live together!” Clint flailed his arms, careful to not jostle Olivia.
Bucky nodded along as Clint rambled, showing he was listening along. “I get that, it’s totally reasonable. So, are we packing everything up and selling the house? Or…” Clint shook his head, “I want to keep the house, we can come back in the holidays and stuff. But let’s figure all that out back at the house. I’m good to drive.” “You sure?” Clint breathed slowly and wrung out his hands, “Yeah, I’m good now, thank you.” Bucky nodded and opened the passenger side door to get back into the backseat with Olivia, and then they were off again, back to the farm.