Wednesday 12th February
There’s this girl. I met her through a long-time friend. We were all at a band rehearsal, either playing music or just goofing around. I wasn’t even in the band and neither was she. But she played the piano. I remember it being beautiful. I remember thinking she was beautiful, too. That was the first day I saw her. I didn’t talk to her. But I knew her name. And some part of me was hopping she knew mine.
The next time I saw her was when I went to see my friend once again. I talked to her this time. And even if we just exchanged a few words, somehow those same words felt more meaningful than anything else said that day. I looked at her, a lot. Maybe too much.
I came back the next day, supposedly to see my friend. At least that was what I was telling myself. This time, she came up to me directly. She was smoking. And the smell I once hated but learned to associate with some of my friends brought me closer to her. It’s like I was hypnotised. I wanted to talk to her, see her, know her. Everything about her.
I had never quite believed in love at first sight. It seemed silly, the thought that you could look at someone and just, know. I needed to know the person first. To talk to them. To be already attached to them, something, any connection at all. But this girl she just, fascinated me would be the word? Her face, her voice, her laugh, everything. I wanted to see her constantly.
I went to the next band rehearsal. I had been asked to fill in for the drummer. She was there as well. Playing the piano. While we were playing, I snuck some glances at her here and there. Maybe this thing is actually real. “The look of love”. She once cheered when I played something, and that was the moment I smiled the most out of the whole day.
I don’t know her. I don’t know if I’ll ever will. I can’t say that I love her. I like her, at most. But I’m certainly loving the idea of her. I’ve learned how dangerous that can be, believe me I have. But I desperately want to know her. I want to know her favourite movie so I can watch it, her favourite book so I can read it, her favourite song so I can play it. So we can play it together.
The drummer and the pianist. An unexpected duo, but that’s what her and I are. Different oh so different, but if a match were to be lit, maybe sparks would fly and a fire would catch. The most dangerous of them all. The fire of love.
And I know this is just a fantasy. I know we’ll never play side by side, just the two of us, improvising melodies and giggling at silly lyrics we made up. Looking each other eye to eye, playing a song and yet only focusing on each other. Sharing music that open our souls to the other, in the most intimate moment in the world.
We could do everything together. I could listen to her talk for hours. I could talk to her for hours. Hours and hours with the sole company of one person, of the one person you know is enough, the one person you trust with your true inner self, the one person that looks so beautiful you could stare and them for hours and paint them again and again, and even then it would not be quite enough to properly represent how beautiful they are to you.
We could kiss by the sunset, bake together even though neither of us know how to, hold hand while looking through a record store, go watch a movie so bad that we would just kiss the whole time not caring about a thing, play games together, discover new things together, learning what it means to grow up together, face life heads on, not scared anymore.
And maybe I would wait for her every single day after school, and I would walk her home and even if it was just for a few oh so precious minutes, it would make my day. I would buy her flowers, write her love letters, make her gifts.
I want to introduce her to my friends and family and be able to say that yes, this gorgeous girl you are seeing here is indeed my girlfriend and yes, I am the luckiest person in the world to be loved by such perfection. I want her to meet my people, and I want them to know that I found someone who truly gets me and with who I want to stay with forever.
I want to meet everyone who represents something for her, and I want to proudly tell each and every single one of them that I love her and would do anything for her.
I want us to be inseparable, two sides of the same coin, two instruments that can’t go without one another, an obvious fact in the other existence, a steady constancy, an unspoken bound that doesn’t need to be put in words.
Just two people, in love. Wouldn’t that be the most beautiful thing in the world? If I just let myself imagine for a second, the mere thought of the both of us being meant to be, brought together by destiny makes my heart flutter with envy. I’m jealous of the life I could be living, and sometimes I just wish I could live in the beautiful world that are my fantasies, that the universe would be on my side and bring us close together. If it turns out that fate is real, please let the thread of it make its natural course, and have us follow along, walking the same path until the end, as the universe intended it and as it was always meant to be.
But this is just a dream. A beautiful, bittersweet dream. I know we aren’t meant to be, that we are just two people forging our own path in life. But we’re incompatible, why do I find her so beautiful? And why do I wish she could find me beautiful too? I wish, I hope so bad it hurts, and I know, I know it isn’t possible. But I still dream.
The pianist and the drummer. Defying the odds, together despite it all. Wouldn’t it be so beautiful?