Chapter 1
Fuck.
That is the main thought running through Erik's mind. He doesn't even know how he got into this mess. He can say with certainty that he fell in love with Charles Xavier sophomore year of high school - well, Erik was a sophomore in high school, Charles was a junior in college - they were studying for some science tests. They were taking a break and Charles was playing sudoku and he was frustrated because in the middle square of the puzzle to complete two puzzles a seven had to be put in the upper left corner and the very bottom right.
Now, six years later Erik is cursing himself. He has just graduated university and lost his best friend in the process. Then again, Erik always knew that having someone as Charles Xavier in his life has always been too good to be true. They grew up together, in the same grade school before Charles started skipping grades, the same neighborhood so they always got to play together. Charles is a grad student and is estimated to be a doctor of genetics by twenty-six (would be twenty-four but he took two gap years). Not to mention Charles is set to be the next head of the Xavier family and take over the seedy underlings that the Xavier family deals in once he graduates. Meanwhile Erik has no idea what he is going to do.
He thinks he'll visit his family's farm out in the country for a few months. Just focus on the animals and crops, get Charles out of his head, Charles will go over to Oxford and Erik can use Charles's inhumane studying schedule and time difference to start distancing himself from Charles, then in a couple of years when Charles gets graduates and takes over Erik will head over to Germany and stay with his uncle get drunk and possibly sleep with someone or take out his liver or kidneys. Or both. Not that Erik really cares.
Charles will come back to New York and find someone else too. . . .
To do whatever it is Charles wants.
Erik has been asking himself for the last two years what Charles wants out of them, out of him. It should have just been one drunken mistake between friends and both should have remained sober enough around the other so it didn't happen again. That didn't happen. They both got sloshed and slept together. What hurts the most is that Erik has not even slept with anyone else but Charles in the last two years which probably makes him a masochist. Charles didn't even ask him, Erik just did it yet Erik is a coward; never asking Charles what they were, what it is they were doing, telling Charles that he loves him more than a friend.
It's for the best. Erik reminds himself, trying to force the image of Charles kissing Gabrielle Holler out of his head. Erik shakes his head as he can't believe that he ever thought that Charles Xavier, the Charles Francis Xavier could ever love him.
He has been home for only thirty minutes but that doesn't stop him from grabbing a duffel from his closet, shoving clothes inside before going out to his car, shooting a quick text to his parents and heads off to the country.
He's in love.
It's all that has been rolling around Charles's head since he was sixteen just visiting Erik's uncle in Germany with just Erik. Erich, Erik's uncle, has just given them beer and wine to try for the first time. Neither got drunk but the amount they did drink, Erik wrestling with his uncle in jest before they went to take care of the animals for the night and in his buzzed haze realized he wanted to kiss Erik. That want turned need didn't disappear the next morning, or any day after.
It's been ringing in his head louder for the last two years since he first got drunk and slept with Erik. He hates himself for never asking if their continued sleeping together was something Erik ever wanted, when Charles paid his tuition no questions asked even with Erik and his parents working their assess off so Erik could go to college and now he has a bachelors degree in welding and agriculture. Charles remembers a celebration for Erik graduating with their friends and family at Charles' own personal apartment and once everyone else left the two had a bit more scotch and ended up tangled in the sheets.
In the morning Gabrielle and Raven broke in along with Hank, Alex, Angel, Sean, and Darwin and for whatever reason he and Gabrielle ended up under a mistletoe. (A mistletoe in June no one even does Christmas in June it's Christmas in July! ) Erik came in at that moment Charles and Gabrielle broke apart Charles saw heartbreak in Erik's eyes before they became steel. Erik left that morning and Charles has been trying to reach him since.
He took a couple weeks from reaching out to give Erik space and time to think. Waited in case Erik reaches out. Erik never has.
It's been months, it's now September and Charles is in the airport with his grandfather and Raven, saying goodbye to all his friends - all but one very important one - as they depart for Oxford. The first term doesn't start until mid-October, they're heading out now to get Charles settled in a family estate and to get Charles used to the time change. It's always been the plan to have Erik come to Oxford with them, maybe he'd stay a little longer after his grandfather and sister come back to the states and Charles can pretend that he and Erik have something more between them than some fucked up friendship.
But Erik isn't traveling with them and Charles can't pretend. All he can do is keep the way Erik would say his name when they were together to himself. It hurts that they were both drunk, hurts that neither had the sense to be sober to say no, but it was one of the few times he got to see Erik let go, relax - if the contorted metal in Charles' apartment says anything because apparently no rooms were off limits - and when Charles was lucky enough to wake-up first he could pretend that Erik would confess a mutual love, Erik wrapping his arms even tighter around Charles and they'd bask in their love and forget the world.
His memories and fantasies of what-if's is all that Charles has. Now there's going to be a five hour difference between them and Charles fears coming back for any holidays. Will Erik come out of his secret lair and be with their friends? Is he cutting them all off? Charles has wanted to touch his mind multiple times to find out what is going on in Erik's head, Erik's feelings for him, if Charles has somehow overstepped and ruined their friendship somehow.
On the plane Charles thinks over everything. He thinks everything changed about four or five years ago when Erik just entered college and as a surprise gift Charles paid Erik's tuition for the whole year. Then things got even murkier when Charles still spoiled Erik, by surprising him with tickets to concerts, going to movies, etc despite Erik working his ass for tickets, Charles has only ever wanted to show his appreciation to Erik for how hard working Erik is. They didn't live together though Charles did crash at Erik's quite often especially the last two years. By the time Charles, Raven, and their grandfather are in their Oxford estate, Charles sitting on his bed he has come to the conclusion he may have come off as a bit of a sugar daddy to Erik without meaning to, after all he never has expected Erik to ever repay him and he fears that Erik may have come to the conclusion that he should repay Charles via sex and the only way he could do that was by drinking.
Charles has been blind. Even blind, his mind replays the image of Erik catching him and Gabrielle, to realize that Erik must have feelings for Gabrielle. Charles must have been given all the crass in the world and then some. He has only ever wanted to show Erik his love, even if it can only be kept in the friend zone and now he has majorly fucked things up.
He's selfish. Charles comes to the conclusion as tears sting his eyes. He's selfish in thinking that his constant gift showering was showing his affection and admiration of Erik, selfish in thinking maybe, just maybe, Erik may have even returned his feelings, selfish in not talking about their first night together, selfish in thinking that all their drunken moments alone could eventually lead to something meaningful. Selfish in thinking he could have Erik Lehnsherr.
It has taken all these months, being in Oxford and losing Erik for Charles to realize that Erik has been right and that perhaps Charles should stop being idealistic because then he would still have Erik as a friend.
Raven and their grandfather go out, Charles stays in the estate, guards crawling all over the house out of sight. Good. Charles is not in the mood to deal with them at the moment. He grabs a six pack of beer, the English estate filled with all sorts of European alcohol. The more Charles wants to avoid the German beer the more appetizing it looks. Frustrated he grabs the German alcohol storming back to his room. Tears finally fall as the beer tastes bittersweet in a way it's an attempt to be close to Erik while also attempting to let him go.
Five bottles down, Charles grabs his phone, Erik still the top person he has had the most contact with. He has a short debate over calling or texting, wanting to hear Erik's voice and the fear of a message not being seen or worse being left on read Charles hits the call button. A cold wave of relief and hurt wash over him as he gets Erik's voicemail. At least it's Erik's voice in some way. He thinks.
"Erik. Erik, I know and I'm sorry I never meant to hurt you and please call me back. Please. I---" What can Charles say? That he loves Erik knowing it's not returned? That he wants to hear from Erik because he misses Erik's voice? Laugh? Erik by his side? That he wants Erik in his life and he doesn't give a damn how? "I'm sorry." Comes out instead. "Please. Just call when you can." Charles hangs up and lets the tears fall. Erik has seen him hit low before but this is a new low that he is grateful Erik isn't around to see. Isn't sure he wants Erik to see.
"Erik. Erik, I know and I'm sorry I never meant to. . . . please. Please. I---I'm sorry. Please. Just call when you can." Is the voicemail that haunts Erik when he hears it on a cool September morning. It's around seven in the evening when his phone lights up with Charles' name. (His damn heart hurts at the thought of blocking or deleting Charles from the device.) He wants to answer but can't. Can't bear to hear how Charles is fairing in Oxford, hear about a new lay, or hear him in an overcrowded bar trying to get a new lay. Erik puts his phone in a drawer and focuses on making dinner. He groans as he realizes the portions he has made are made for two people to share, a habit he picked up from when he and Charles were unspoken roommates at Erik's old place.
Erik has a brief moment of caving to dial Charles back as the words "I know" ringing in his ears. Fuck. Charles knows about his feelings and most likely wants to let Erik down easy. Try and find a way so that it won't be awkward. It will be. Always will. Erik will definitely have to drift away from their friends, not that they were really his friends to begin with and not like he has even bothered to keep in touch while he's been in the country for the last few months, just live a life of solitude and forget Charles while Charles goes on to better things.
The German-American wishes death could just claim him already.
It's going to be long, several years.
The next time Charles and Erik meet it is not pleasant. It's winter break and Charles is back in New York. Erik has never gotten around to calling Charles back, Charles just tells himself that Erik is busy and when Erik did finally get around to calling Charles back he may have deemed it too late to even call Charles back and talk about it; though deep down, Charles believes that Erik did not like having Charles know about Erik's feelings for Gabrielle. After all, Erik never mentioned them, whether they were sloshed or sober, it could be that Erik was unaware of his feelings for Gabrielle until that morning. Not that Charles should care. Just because he is in love with Erik does not mean Erik is required to return his feelings or give Charles any sort of closure.
"Sometimes the best closure, is knowing that you will never get any." Erik had told him once, it happened years ago when Charles was dating a girl named Liliandra who randomly broke-up with Charles and started dating someone named Moira two weeks later. Liliandra deleted all of her social media as well, then she and Moira ran off two months later.
He's currently with their friends at a bar; ever since he drunk called Erik Charles has remained sober only a glass or two, not wanting to risk calling Erik again and confessing his undying love for the German-American and be shot down. Call him selfish but Charles would rather suffer in unrequited pain for the rest of his days than to risk having Erik walk out of it. Yet, as their old gang gets together, Erik is nowhere to be seen. He inquires about it, Raven looks away guilty. Charles's heart sinks to his stomach as his sister informs him that no one has been able to locate Erik since September. His phone turns on at some points but remains off most of the time now, there have been wellness checks to the Lehnsherr family farm, Erik's apartment, everywhere. His apartment remains in tact, farm animals feed; it's as if Erik has just vanished. And with Erik being an adult the cops are not going to do a thing, he can do whatever he wants.
"Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?" Charles cries pushing the bottle of beer away.
"I have our people looking into it," Raven informs though she does not look hopeful. "Though it's been months, and even we are having trouble locating him. The only thing we know is it had to be foul play. Even with Erik being a recluse, he still keeps in touch with his parents and even they haven't heard from. If he ran away what could cause him to at least not speak to his parents? Edie has been worried sick, she keeps visiting his apartment and dusts it, she's been paying his rent too so he still has a place to come back too. His dad is constantly making his favorite foods in a hope that it will reach out to Erik and bring him back.
Charles's phone starts to ring.
The reason no one has seen Erik is because he is currently being held captive on his family farm. Some rival Mafia family of the Xavier's. Though Erik cannot fathom why they have come after him, of all people. Raven is too close and she has been trained she can rescue herself, their - no not their, Charles's - other friends do not know what Charles's family actually does assuming that the Xavier's are just really good at investments and the sort. But being unaware should not make them targets. In his time in captivity - his captures having made a room completely out of plastic that Erik is stuck in, not allowing him anywhere near metal - Erik has come to the conclusion that they are starting with someone they know is not close to Charles yet has some connection, see how far Charles and the Xavier's will go to protect someone they even have a connection too. Sure, Charles and Erik are best friends (were, Erik chides himself. They were best friends until the telepath found out about Erik's feelings. Doesn't help that Erik knows he screwed up due to the fact Charles has never contacted him since that damn voicemail) but Erik is nothing compared to the others. If they want Charles's attention they are shit at it. Charles has not once contacted since September, his captures have taunted Erik with the very fact. It's a damn good thing Erik deleted that voicemail, he can't risk this rival family hearing the desperation in Charles's voice, trying to get Erik to confess his feelings then using his feelings to try and lure Charles away from Oxford.
Erik knows that Charles would come for him; it's who Charles is. But he would officially cut ties with Erik once Erik was well again. Erik knows that. Charles has never given him an inkling that their relationship could be even more than friends, and Erik refuses to get in between what Charles and Gabrielle have. Erik is selfish enough to want to try and fight Gabrielle for Charles's affections, but he is selfless enough to know when to let go. Why should he have to fight for someone who doesn't want him?
Currently, Erik is bound to a chair, he can taste the copper of blood in his mouth despite the fact they have not him there, one of his is swollen. His main capture is some with red skin and tail that has the ability to teleport. He grins as he comes back into the room.
"Well, well, well, it seems your disappearance has caused quite an uproar." With Erik's parents perhaps, but not with the others. Especially not Charles. Erik has had to remind himself everyday that Charles will not come for him, not after Erik screwed everything up. He has to tell himself that so a) he does not grow bitter towards Charles and b) to keep any ounce of hope from surfacing that tells him that Charles will eventually come. Aside from Charles's feelings for Gabrielle he is getting his doctorate at Oxford and Erik does not want to stress Charles out more than he already is with school. Besides, it's not like if Erik dies Charles will show up to the funeral; even if he does he won't give a show, give a eulogy, won't even visit Erik's grave aside from the funeral just so Erik can become a ghost of a past he can no longer face. "It seems the young Xavier is furious to know we have you." His hand tilts Erik's face up so the magnetic mutant can see the devilish smile on his face, his tail running alongside Erik's face. "What a valuable asset you have proven to be." The man bares his teeth. "Yet, I wonder if he'll want you back when he discovers---"
"Azazel!" A man comes in, Riptide, Erik recalls his codename.
"Yes, Janos?"
Whatever it is, it appears to be a silent conversation, then the teleporter leaves. Riptide comes over wraps his arm around Erik's neck, a knife under Erik's chin. Foolish, really, seeing as Erik can't even use his mutation, so what is the point.
Erik. It's faint, it almost sounds like Charles. Erik wonders if he missed them hitting his head and he is suffering a concussion. Charles's voice keeps repeating his name, getting closer. Soon enough, Charles comes bursting through the door. Riptide's arm gets tighter, the knife pressing even deeper, the edge just near his adam's apple. "Erik." Charles breathes. It feels good to hear Charles's voice again, even if it is just a figment of Erik's mind. At least he can die in the illusion that Charles came for him.
"Come any closer and your friend here gets it." Riptide says.
Charles lets out a growl. Erik hears Charles's voice in his head again, soothing, luring him into sleep.
Charles does not remember how the fights went down, he just remembers arriving on the Lehnsherr farm, some guy went running down stairs somewhere before some guy who looks like he could have been mistaken for the literal devil appears before him. Charles makes his way into the man's mind, he harms himself before falling to the ground. Charles scours his mind to find where Erik is and goes. His heart hammering in his chest, having seen Erik with a black eye, surrounded by plastic, and some shallow cuts. He has to make sure Erik is okay, because if he is not Charles is going to add to the Geneva Convention of Do Not touch Erik Lehnsherr and piss off Charles Xavier!
Arriving in the room, Erik doesn't look any better. He lulls Erik into a deep sleep, he has to. He can't risk Erik's opinion of Charles changing. Charles is no killer, believes people can always talk it out, but when it comes to Erik Charles is willing to compromise his ethics for just a moment. A growl rips from Charles's throat when the other man presses the knife closer into Erik's neck. Once he is sure Erik is asleep, he lunges for the other man. How dare these two men even dare touch Erik? Keeping him in a room that has most likely driven him mad? Charles just punches the man over and over again before grabbing his gun and shooting the man multiple times. As he unties Erik, carrying him bridal style, Charles makes sure to shoot the first man he met. He also makes a mental note to get a team out here, clean up the mess and deconstruct that awful room so the Lehnsherr family has a nice home to come back to.
At the hospital Charles remains outside of Erik's room. He has to make sure Erik is okay. Charles will never forgive himself if Erik doesn't pull through. Oxford be damned for a moment. Edie, Jacob, and Erich visit as often as they can, they are in as much as visiting hours allow. The others also visit, Gabrielle happens to actually work at the hospital so she keeps them updated even if she is not assigned to him. Charles just wishes that Erik will wake-up soon, he yearns to look into those steel-colored eyes. Maybe he can get Erik's family and their friends in all together, Charles can look at him and once satisfied that Erik is all right, Charles will duck out of the room. Why would Erik even want to see him? Surely he does not wish to be around the telepath that knows he has feelings for someone. Aside from that, there is no way that Erik and Gabrielle will not get together after this. Charles will be happy that Erik is happy, and then the young heir will jet back off to Oxford, he'll have to get a second phone. He's a damn idiotic fool. He wants to keep Erik's number, all the pictures they have. But he'll be damned if he gets sloshed again and calls Erik. Besides it's not like Erik will call him again.
Weeks have gone by, Erik still has not awoken. Charles has to leave for Oxford in the morning. Term resumes in a week or two. Gabrielle has coaxed Charles into sleeping on the couch in Erik's room. Charles doesn't fall asleep right away, he just stares at Erik, watching the other man's chest move up and down, the monitor giving a steady beat. Charles longs to feel the brush of Erik's mind again. Some sick twisted part is paranoid that the real is either dead or being kept somewhere else, that the Erik in the hospital bed is a decoy and will kill Charles and everyone Charles loves.
Please wake-up. Charles pleads. Even if he wakes up to Erik screaming at him to leave it'll be welcome than his current situation.
Around three in the morning a brush of mind wakes Charles. It's not a mind he knows, and it certainly isn't the mind of a hospital worker. Charles blinks his eyes seeing someone disguised in scrubs. The brunette is able to get up the thoughts of the person sent to kill Erik, frame Charles for it. Fucking hell if Charles is going to let that happen. They can kill Charles but they will not touch Erik.
The person is a fighter, the person struggles against Charles's hold. Their hand is on the trigger. Charles does the only thing he can think of: having the assassin shoot him in the back. The pain is awful, Charles cannot feel his legs. But it is a more welcome pain than the thought of living a life without Erik. He barely registers someone shouting his name before blacks out again.