I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You
Bucky needed help. And he needed it 70 damn years ago.
Bucky needed… a lot of things. That there was no way he was going to get, because why would God give him them now? Why would He wait so damn long just to give Bucky everything he’s ever wanted?
Honestly, it felt like the guy was playing one long, elaborate prank on Bucky. And to his credit, the ex-assassin couldn’t figure out why. Was it something he had done in his past life? What the hell was he before James Buchanan Barnes, Satan? Why did the man in the sky hate him so? Wasn’t his whole thing that he loved everybody?
So, ‘course, Bucky knew that he wouldn’t get a happily ever after. That was clear about 50 years ago. But he couldn’t help but hope that maybe, just maybe, he’d get to be happy for a bit. Would that be better for him? Happiness ripped away or never given?
Jesus. Bucky couldn’t think straight. How could he when absolutely nothing was making sense? There was that kid, whose name he never asked for, like an angel sent from the heavens above come down to save him from himself. And he hadn’t seen the guy since. There was that weird, fluttering, nauseous feeling he got whenever he was around Sam. There was a sense of guilt around Steve. And he didn’t know what any of it was about.
Did Little Stark even exist? Or was he a figment of Bucky’s imagination? All good questions, all good questions. No reasonable explanation for them, however, which pissed Bucky off.
He didn’t like not knowing things. It was frustrating, especially because he was always told that when he was older he’d have all the answers. But, really, he felt that he had even less answers. Now that things that were a-okay back then were terrible now. And things that were terrible back then were a-okay now.
Bucky was fine with a few of the changes, some of the slurs being outlawed. Other things, like technology and things alike, he absolutely hated. Loathed them, really. Not only because he didn’t understand them, but also because he believed that people were too reliant on AI like FRIDAY. Mostly because he didn’t understand it, though.
The Avengers around him didn’t seem to realize his internal crisis which was much appreciated. At least he had that going for him, he could be having the happiest or the saddest thoughts and they would never know. He was a master at keeping a neutral face, just blankly staring into the void, thinking about everything and nothing all at once.
Clint and Steve were playing some game called Fortnite and Bucky couldn’t help but let out a laugh that Steve was losing in a war game. Maybe everything could go back to normal. If Sam wasn’t right next to him, stretched across the couch that Bucky was sitting on, smirking over at Steve while assisting Clint in his verbal jabs.
Damnit, what was this feeling sitting low in his chest, tugging at his heart and fluttering around his stomach? He’d never felt this way before.
“Oh, this is stupid, I’m done. Bucky, you play.” Steve thrust the controller into Bucky’s hands, a pout on his face. Clint was pumping his fists from his spot on the floor, so Bucky assumed that he had won once again.
This could get his mind off of Sam and Little Stark easily. All he needed was a little friendly competition to set his mind right. Not that it would be completely friendly based on what’d he’d seen go down between the two Avengers, but it would be close enough. Bucky gave his friend a tight-lipped smile, took the controller and stole Steve’s spot on the carpet next to Clint.
“Alright, Buckster, basically ‘X’ is to jump-” Clint began, cutting himself off when Bucky shot at the character and won immediately. The entire room was silent, until Sam’s laugh cut through the air. Bucky looked smug, smirking back at the Falcon.
“I think I got it, Hawk.” Now thanking Little Stark for showing him how gun games worked before ultimately moving on to Mario Kart which was way too much for Bucky, but the kid liked it.
“Okay, Severus Snape - seriously, wash the hair - you’re on.” Clint retorted. Bucky had barely gotten to the part in Harry Potter where Snape came in, but he knew that Harry described him with greasy hair. So, in return, he pushed Clint as lightly as he could with his right arm, before starting the game up again, in hopes of catching him off guard.
They kept playing for a while, both winning and losing multiple times. Clint was getting more creative with his insults, and Bucky was confusing the hell out of him with 40s slang. (“What the hell does cold fish mean?”)
While they played, Steve left to go sack out, and Sam left to try to find Bruce to ask him about his wings. For some reason, the Rogues still had trouble reaching out to Tony, other than Natasha, of course.
After a bit, Bucky forfeit, causing Hawkeye to do his obligatory victory dance that he did when Steve quit as well. Not that Clint was beating him (It was 30 to 19), just that Bucky wanted to go back to his brooding as the archer put it. But before he did, he had a question to ask. Maybe this wasn’t the best time or person to ask, but if he didn’t do it now, he probably never would.
“Hey, uh, Barton?” Clint looked over at his name, pausing in his dance moves.
“Yeah, wassup?”
“Have you ever - uh - well, um - this feeling, I don’t know, it’s-” Bucky paused, tried to collect himself, failed, kept going anyway, “There’s this thing - this feeling - that I’ve been, well feeling, and it’s…awful. But it’s good? I think? It feels weird, wrong, but nice? Like my heart is about to explode but only after I vomit my guts out. And it only shows up around… a certain person.”
Then, Clint did something that Bucky never thought would be a reaction from the man. He smiled softly, so softly, and sat down again. This time he faced Bucky instead of the TV. The serious sort of look in the normally joking eyes scared the assassin. It made him think that Clint was going to tell him bad news or something. What, was he a doctor now? Did this feeling mean that Bucky had some sort of fatal illness that he was going to be told about?
“Oh…you got bit, huh?” Clint smiled that smile that made Bucky think of those cheesy romantic moments between two characters in some flick that he was dragged to by a dame. A raised eyebrow from Bucky was all it took for Clint to scramble to elaborate. “By the love bug, you’ve been bitten. Who is it, dear me? Art thou in love with a certain Avenger?”
“Technically Sam isn’t-” Silence. Absolute silence. Both men sit there, neither one speaking or making a sound. Heat rushed to Bucky’s face, and he was sure he was bright red. He couldn’t think right. He just said that. He just implied being in love with a man. Implied. Because, he never actually said the words. He just thought of Sam, for some reason. Just a random name that popped into his head, that he had no control over.
God, he was disgusting. He was meant to be a man. A soldier, a warrior. And here he was, talking about some stupid feeling that he got whenever another soldier came around. He hadn’t meant to, and hopefully Clint knew that. But it didn’t seem Clint knew anything based on the way he silently stared into Bucky’s eyes. Would he just say something already? It was itching at the ex-assassins skin, the suspense of what the other man thought of him.
Back in the 40s, if he had implied what he just did, he’d be strung up on a tree by the day's end. Did Clint have the same views? This was one thing Bucky had not been told about by Shuri or Steve, since he didn’t want to ask about it it didn’t cross his mind. Was it still frowned upon? Was it still wrong? Did it still break friendships and families up?
If the man in front of him did indeed have a grudge against the implication - he wasn’t going to say the word, don’t expect him to - what would Bucky do? Laugh along with him? Or perhaps he would stand up for himself, like he used to do for Steve.
“Um, I mean- Nat?” Bucky lied corrected. A laugh sounded from Clint, a deep, genuine laugh.
“No the fuck you don’t. You’re in love with Sammy Wilson.” He was still laughing, and that kind of made Bucky uncomfortable. Laughing correlated with making fun of someone, so Clint must be making fun of him. But he couldn’t tell if it was because of the person he was in love with or the fact that he was in love. It couldn’t be the latter. Clint was married, therefore, couldn’t make fun of those who got hit by the same arrow.
“Maybe. Is that…bad?” That sobered the married man up immediately. The laughter died down quickly, and he fixed Bucky with another serious stare. A raised eyebrow told Bucky he’d said something wrong.
“I don’t care if you’re in love with Sam, but if you start pulling some 1940s homophobic shit in this Tower, you’re gonna wish HYDRA killed you.” Clint threatened. Bucky had never been threatened by the man, had never seen him threaten anyone else, and had no idea how effective it was. Before he could realize it, Bucky was shaking his head violently.
He would never judge any of the Avengers for who they loved. Especially not if Sam decided he loved him. No, Bucky’d probably punch and kick himself, but he wouldn’t judge him. That’d just be rude. And Bucky was trying his best to not be rude anymore. He wanted to be nice again, he wanted the last 70 years erased and he wanted Sam. He wanted to completely shed the Winter Soldier from his mind, he wanted to be James Buchanan Barnes again. Bucky, to his friends.
Maybe this was how he would get to do that. He would be kind about these things that he was expected not to be. He would smile instead of grunt in response to questions. Would that be preferred? Would Sam and Steve and the rest of them encourage the new behavior or did they like it when he didn’t talk?
“I won’t.”
Clint nodded, serious expression not wavering.
“Clint?”
“Hm?”
“How do I tell him?”
That made Clint smile again, and it sent joy throughout Bucky’s veins. He loved being the one to make people smile, he hadn’t done that in decades. Not in the way he wanted anyway. Before Bucky could ask anything else, or even form another thought, Clint started ranting about how best to ask someone out. He pulled stories from his teen years, when he asked Natasha out (which did not work) and when he asked Laura out (which did work).
Bucky decided not to comment on the fact that Clint said he met and dated Laura before he asked Natasha out, and assumed that Laura and him weren’t actively dating at the time. Hoped they weren’t actively dating at the time, really. And he listened intently to how Clint had asked Laura to go out with him (a fake mission that was really a date), and how he’d proposed to the woman (a picnic out of the way while Fury thought they were working). Then to the story of their marriage, how he kept it up (agreeing with her about everything and basically doing whatever she wanted, so that she didn’t get annoyed with him).
That seemed like a good enough plan. Get Sam out of the way of everyone else by posing a fake mission that only they were needed on. Maybe a stakeout would work. Since Bucky was used to shooting from higher places, stealth missions, being silent and Sam could literally fly. They would be the best two. It was a fool-proof plan. And Bucky was just the fool to prove it.