Chapter 1
It was late. Was I drunk? I didn’t know. My heels hurt from the shoes I was wearing. Somehow or another, Shoko had gotten me out of my house. Said I needed to get wasted and laid? Where was she? I didn’t know. I lost my jacket somewhere…God, it was cold. My stomach churned. My dress was probably riding up. This fucking sucks.
By the grace of God, I was able to get my phone loose from the waistband of my shapewear and turn it on. The brightness of the screen lit my way as I struggled up the sidewalk. I wanted my bed, I wanted some water, and I wanted Toji to rub my back and my poor little feet, get them free out of these fucking cramped heels.
I leaned against the edge of a building and called Toji. It took a few rings, but he answered. Toji always answers.
He yawned. “Hey, it’s late.” His voice was raspy from sleep. I instantly felt bad.
“‘M sorry, Toji…” I turned my head and sneezed with the cold air biting at my face.
“No, no, it’s okay.” He sounded more awake now. “Where are you? Are you alright?”
“Im…uhm…” I looked around. Where even was I? “I dunno…it’s cold and I lost my jacket,” I whined a bit. Maybe I was drunk. I always got a bit… insufferable when I was drunk. “I wanna come home…” I slid against the sharp edge, letting it massage into the sides of my spine. I groaned at the feeling.
“Okay, it’s okay. I can come get you, just stay put.”
“But I dunno where I am…”
“We have the location-sharing app, remember? Just stay on the phone for now, Pints. I’ll come to get you.” He said, and I listened to him roam about his room. I ignored his blatant attack on my height and closed my eyes as I crouched down to relieve some of this back pain.
“Bring me something warm pleeeease.”
“Yes, yes, I know. I’ve got a hoodie for you. That long one you like to wear all the time.”
I smiled. “Good, good..” my voice trailed off when I yawned.
“Hey, don’t fall asleep yet. Stay awake for me, alright? Keep a good watch.”
I nodded, but it was not like he could see. I pressed the FaceTime option on the call, and our house lights lit up his tired face. I smiled sweetly at him and propped the phone up on my knees. He held me at waist level, so I mostly stared at his chin and jaw and watched as he left the house, switching screens to see where I was on the app we used. I stared at Toji the entire time. I admired the way his black hair fell over his eyebrows, the way he would lift his phone to look at me with a slightly questioning look, even with the smirk tugging at his lips and his scar crinkling.
I sighed, looking at him like that. He suddenly hung up, and I started to pout, but then I noticed the worn leather cowboy boots and the jeans and grinned like the Cheshire cat up at my best friend, who looked less than impressed as he stared down at me, who was shivering and crouching on the sidewalk like a fucking idiot. I stood up to hug him, but he held my shoulders first and inspected me.
“You went drinking? Alone? Looking like that?”
“Nooo, I was with Shoko…and I had a jacket…but….”
“But..you lost it. Right. Arms up, please.” He tugged the hoodie over me and covered up the black starry bodycon dress I was wearing. He pulled the hood down and brushed the hair out of my face and finally pulled me in for a hug.
“Want a ride home?” He asked, a smirk back on his face. I nodded into his flight jacket, and his arms went under my armpits as he lifted me up, letting me wrap my arms around his shoulders, his hands secured on the backs of my thighs while my legs locked around his back.
I nestled into the black fur that trimmed the neckline of his coat, smelling him. I always liked the way he smelled. I could tell he shaved this afternoon after his shower, because the after-shave was strong, but it was a comforting smell. Toji used the same cologne and after-shave as my father, and it had always made my chest ache, but my heart felt warm.
The warmth Toji emitted and the careful way he handled me made me sleepy, so I closed my eyes and squeezed him a bit. “Tooooji,” I whispered, craning my neck so I’d be right by his ear.
He hummed back in acknowledgment, no doubt shifting his pretty green eyes my way.
“When we get home,” I started, and yawned again, “will you rub my back? Just for a bit?”
“I was already planning on it. You don’t get drunk often, but when you do, you always ask for a backrub.”
“‘M sorry..” I yawned again, going off to mumble about the night, and even though I knew Toji didn’t really know what I was saying, he hummed in acknowledgment.
I guess I must have fallen asleep at one point, because I woke up in Toji’s bed, wearing a shirt of his and some shorts. I was lying on my stomach, facing him, whose eyes were closed, but his big hand was cruising up and down my back with just the right amount of pressure– something he learned after having known me for as long as he did. It felt so good I whimpered when his hand left my back.
“Oh, you’re up?” He mumbled.
“Why’d you stop….?”
He sighed, shifting around, before tugging me closer. “I thought I finally had you in your post-drunk slumber, princess.”
“If you tell me about your day, I will descent into said slumber…” I blinked sleepily at him but smiled stupidly. His eyes crinkled into half-moons and he fought back a smile.
“Well, I had lunch with the guys…they asked about you, Satoru invited us to his beach house, I got a call from my older brother, and you’ll never guess what he said…” Toji carried on, talking about the details of his day, and I listened to his baritone voice, soft and soothing, lulling me to sleep.
Toji’s friends were always my friends– people we’d known since middle school, growing up together and changing in many ways. In our years of high school, Satoru became so popular with both the guys and girls that people were flagging me down just to ask for a chance to talk to him. Sukuna would end up walking with me everywhere to scare those people off, and the six of us would eat lunch on the roof away from everyone else for some privacy.
Times when I was little when I was the girl who was friends with everyone, never did I think that I would become as attached to these people as I had been to Toji’s group.
But now we were all grown up and saw each other less often. Satoru and Suguru went professional with their martial arts career, but Satoru just retired and was going back to school to become a uni professor. Suguru was still competing, and we all got together for his tournaments now. Kento was an office worker, an accountant I think, but he was always tired. Sukuna and Toji both went into the military- Sukuna went to the army and was stationed out of the country for a while, and Toji was in the airforce, learning to fly planes, and he went to many different places. Both of them were back now, Sukuna owned a tattoo parlor, and Toji opened up a record shop, where he also let some of the elderly women around sell antiques in the free spaces of the store. It was a two-story place, and he had plans to make the second level a cozy Western bar.
I was so proud of all of them. And I…I was not that proud of myself. I was going to be a famous classical pianist. A little girl’s dreams, her entire future glamorized with stages and Steinways, big audiences, and entire encores.
I had it for a while, that glamorous life. Four years of concerts everywhere after I graduated from college, going all over Japan, and eventually I went to South Korea, to Vietnam, Australia, even going further west to Austria and Italy. I was so happy. I was playing Ravel’s Gaspard De La Nuit, Chopin’s countless nocturnes, Debussy, Respighi, Shostakovich, and Rachmaninoff….
But things changed. Late last year, in December, while I was getting ready for a Liszt performance, my hands started to lock up. I was exhausted. My back, neck, knees– everything hurt. Toji got worried, and he took me to a doctor. My entire career was lost the second I got the diagnosis for rheumatoid arthritis. I cried for only God knows how long. What was I going to do? This was my life–I was made for music, but suddenly my body couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I announced my retirement and I sold my house, moved in with Toji, and started living my current quiet and hurting life. I had trouble eating, I slept more often, I talked less. Toji took me to another doctor and we found out I had an eating disorder and depression.
Now I take pills daily, and Toji makes me eat. He’s so worried about me sometimes, I can tell.
Last night, I had gotten a call from Shoko. I met her at college. She was in the pre-med program, but we were both in a club together, and I loved her instantly. We even dated for a hot second, but agreed to stay friends because she was so busy trying to get ready for her residency and whatnot. Shoko said I should get out of the house and come drinking with her. Said I might even do well to get laid. I met her at a bar, she looked as good as ever, and we drank and drank. I lost my jacket somewhere, Shoko smoked an entire pack of cigarettes, we got hit on, Shoko kissed a stranger, and I talked to everyone. A few people asked me if I wanted to “get out of there”, but I couldn’t do that. It didn’t matter how dull I was, sex wasn’t going to make it better. The only things that made that dullness go away were my group of friends and my Mother.
But it was morning now, and I woke up in Toji’s bed, alone.
I grabbed my phone from the charger on his nightstand and scrolled through my unread messages.
10+ notifications from the group chat.
2 messages from Shoko.
1 missed call from Mom.
And private messages from each of the boys.
I sighed.
I started by looking at Shoko’s messages,
I have your jacket. Stop by my house if you want it back, dear.
If you don’t remember much of last night, you got wasted, left on your own.
Sent 9:31
I sighed. Of course, I left on my own. Fucking idiot. I started typing a response.
OK, sorry for leaving you 🙁
I’ll stop by in a bit and get my jacket <3
Sent 11:43
I ignored the group chat for now and called Mom back. She didn’t pick up, so I left her a voicemail.
“Hey, Mom, sorry I just saw you called me last night. I was out. Call me back later, okay? I love you.”
I didn't feel like reading any of the messages the boys sent me. I stumbled out of Toji’s bed and left my phone in there. Went straight for the bathroom, peed for a minute straight, and turned the shower on. I sat there, scorching hot water running down my back, for 30 minutes. It took so much effort these days just to shower. My wrists hurt while I shampooed, and my knees ached as I stood in the tiled bathroom, wrapping a towel around my hair.
At least I wasn’t hungover. Genetics are a charm, sometimes. But not always.
By the time I was dressed in a light blue button-up short-sleeve tucked into some pleated and wide-legged khakis, my Mom was calling me. I put her on speakerphone and she started talking.
“Hey, sweetheart! How are you? Did you take your medicine? Did you eat yet?”
Always with the questions.
“Hey, Mom. Im fine. Yes, I just finished eating and I already took my medications. Why’d you call last night?”
“Well, I just wanted to see what my favorite daughter was up to.”
“Ha. Ha. Very funny, Mom. I was out with Shoko.”
“Oh, that’s good! Have her drop by sometime. I love her. Such a smart girl.”
I was stuffing my purse with my wallet and everything, pulling on one of the new Chanel Satin Slingbacks that Satoru sent me. That man was always sending me luxury items. It was so frequent I was almost annoyed, but I wasn’t, and I appreciated him because he knew my taste in fashion well.
“That she is, Mom…I’m running over to hers right now, actually. I left my jacket at her condo.”
“Hmm, well, alright. Be safe, sweetheart. I love you.”
“Will do, Mom. I love you, too. Bye.”
Once I hung up, I left the house and locked up behind me. Toji left much earlier this morning to open up his store, and I recall him mentioning a meeting today about looking at the second floor for the bar. While I walked to the subway, I finally opened our group chat and scrolled around. The oldest messages were from yesterday morning.
Satoru: HEYY HEY GUYSSS!!! Who’s up for lunch today?
Sukuna: You are literally a toddler in a senile old man’s body. Im free though. Where? When?
Toji: I can come.
Suguru: I am also free today!
Satoru: A rare occurrence. Nanamiiiiiiin! When’s your lunch break? 😀
Kento: My break is in two hours. The place must have sandwiches or I am not coming.
Satoru: Sure thing! Let’s go once you get off then. We can go to that cafe you like.
Kento: Okay.
Saotru: Y/nnnn? Are you free, my precious baby angel honeybuns?
Sukuna: Gross.
Toji: No I don’t think she’ll want to come. She was still asleep when I left.
Suguru: Poor thing. It makes me sad that she sleeps so often these days. I barely see her anymore.
Kento: Is she staying on top of her food and medicines? Maybe she needs to go back to the doctor if she’s still so tired all the time.
Toji: Idk. It worries me though.
The subway wasn't super crowded. I guess because it was odd hours in the day for someone to be going somewhere, but I stared quietly at all the mothers and their babies. I clenched my fists and took a seat by the doors while people filed in.
After leaving Shoko’s with my jacket, I didn’t have anything else to do. It was already past lunchtime, but I wasn’t quite hungry yet. What should I do? I don’t know.
My phone rang, and I sighed. So many people to talk to within a day. When I saw the caller ID though, I did smile a bit.
“Hello, Satoru.”
“Hey, beautiful! I noticed you stalking the group chat, ya’ little stinker.”
“I was catching up on what I missed. I still have yet to read all of the private messages you guys have sent me over the last few days. Sorry.”
“It’s alright. You’ve got a lot going on.”
I hummed and decided to sit on a nearby bench. He sighed.
“Well…what’re you up to right now?”
“Im sitting on a bench.”
“Oh, yeah? Want to get a bite to eat, then?”
“Not hungry.”
“Y/n.” He got serious. I bit my tongue. Dumbass.
“..Okay, we can get something to eat.”
“Good girl. I’ll text you the place, okay?”
“Alright..”
“MMkay! See you then, sweetheart. Love you!” And then Satoru hung up.
Satoru did not get mad often. But when he did, he was the type to make you so nervous you’d pee yourself. When we were younger, in our first year of high school, a guy asked me out. But it had been a joke. I got really upset. Satoru said he’d take care of it. That boy and his friends didn’t show up to school for a week.
I met Satoru at a cute Sanrio-themed cafe. It was so him. I found him in a booth by the window, and I was surprised to see we were matching, both wearing light blue and khaki. I slid the Chanel purse (also something he bought me–he loved Chanel) off my shoulder and reached over to hug him. His body was so long that it was easy for him to reach me, his hands sliding down past my waist before slapping my ass. I rolled my eyes. He’d always been a pretty “hands-on” type of guy with me, even the others. I wouldn't be surprised if he told me he’d slept with Suguru once or twice, as they had always been the closest.
He glanced under the table really quickly and smiled at the realization that we were matching.
“Those shoes look great on you. Glad I bought them! Annnd we’re matching! Can we take a photo, pretty please?”
I nodded. “Of course, we can. Thank you as always, you know you dont have to buy me all this stuff, but I still appreciate it.”
“Nonsense. Spending my family’s money on my favorite girl makes me the happiest man alive.” He chuckled and slid me a menu. I gave him a lop-sided smile and we picked out some drinks and small foods and such to try.
When our food finally come to us, Satoru slid next to me on my side of the table and took a selfie, holding me in his chest. We did silly faces, too, and then he took pictures of our food. I found myself eating everything that he slid in my direction, and drinking all of the drink I had.
After we ate, we took a walk in a nearby park. I held his hand and swung it back and forth, our steps matched up.
“How’s school going for you? What’re you going to teach when you finish?”
“I was thinking Civil Engineering. That’s what Im majoring in, anyways. Only 2 more years!” He grinned.
“Smart boy,” I cooed, standing on my tip-toes to give his snow-like hair a pat. He leaned down a bit for me. Satoru’s smile wavered just a second, before tightening his grip on my hand.
“I dunno if Toji asked you yet, but we just finished re-doing our beach house, so I invited everyone over. Now that the weather is starting to warm up, I thought id be a great trip. Just a few days, a week at most. But of course, you’re always welcome to stay longer.”
“Ahh, I think Toji mentioned that last night. Im glad to hear you guys finally finished with the repairs. That typhoon really did a number on the roof.”
Satoru rubbed the back of his head. “Tell me about it. It was expensive too, and we ended up doing a lot more than just the roof. There were issues with plumbing, electricity, everything. My mother just decided to re-do it all, and you know my father.” He sighed, so I patted his arm for a moment.
“Yeah…well, I mean, it’s not like I–” I paused. Bit my tongue. Cleared my throat. “It’s not like I work anymore, so I’m free.”
Satoru didn’t say much afterward, and when he said he had to go, for a project that was due, I nodded and our hands slipped away. He walked off but still turned around and waved at me with a careful smile. A practiced one, if you will.
I walked home. Somehow it was getting late, and I guessed it would rain soon. On my way home, I unconsciously took the route that passed the music store. The glass doors were open. The speakers were loud.
They were playing Shostakovich’s Piano Concerto No.2 in F Major, and I began to cry. It was the Andante’s opening of the piano, and I couldn’t help it. I stood outside the door and stared at one of the Yamaha’s they had on display. My fingers practically burned, twitching at my sides. They followed the trill, and I had to forcefully grab my fingers.
I didn’t care how stupid I looked. I cried. I stood there in front of the music store and cried, and people passed me as they went in and out. People glanced at me and whispered, and I didn’t even process the fact that two arms had wrapped around me as I furiously wiped my tears.
“You’re okay,” he said. “You’re okay.”