Blue Christmas

Carina stays at Maya’s side even though her body hurts from the long hours and the back-twisting nightmare of a chair she is sitting on. Still, she remains in her seat as Dr. Kwan enters the room quietly to check on Maya, incapable of looking at the intern yet - her anger still bubbling. She will probably punch him if she does. 

When he leaves, she goes back to watching her wife sleep. She looks at the movement of her chest, finding peace in its rhythm. 

She only tears her eyes away from the blonde’s breathing when a familiar firefighter appears at the door, eyes wide with concern.

Andy stands there in shock at the sight of Maya in a hospital bed and a bandage on her head. 

The Italian nods toward the hall before pressing one more kiss on Maya’s hand and standing up, reluctantly leaving her wife but not wanting to disturb her sleep. 

As soon as they step out of the room, Andy speaks.

“Carina, I just heard about it now. How is she?” 

The lieutenant’s whispered words come out shaky. 

The OB turns her attention back to Maya’s monitor, her eyes glued to her heartbeats. As if it will flatline if she looks away for too long. She sighs before answering. 

“She’s okay now. She had a brain bleed, but Amelia was able to stop it in surgery. Her last CT was clear and she passed all the post-op tests. She is responsive and stable right now.”

Andy’s gasps, surprised. When Ford called her minutes ago, she said Maya was okay in the hospital. That she had a tough call but she seemed well. 

“Brain surgery? She had brain surgery?”

Carina only nods, taking a deep breath. For the hundredth time that day, she wonders how the day got so chaotic. 

“I’m sorry, Carina. Is there anything I can do?” 

“No, it’s okay. Thank you, Andy."

The hollowness in the Italian’s voice makes the Latina finally take in her friend. She sees Carina’s slumped shoulders and the dark circles around her eyes contrasting with the fast nervous movements of her leg. The woman in front of Andy is an exhausted anxious version of her friend. 

“You know, you won’t be able to take care of Maya if you collapse on the floor from dehydration and lack of sleep.” 

Carina wants to roll her eyes at Andy but she doesn’t even have the energy for that. So she just sighs and ignores her.

“Just take a shower to try to relax, put on something more comfortable and take a nap. Just a power nap even. But you need to let your body rest. I’ll be here with her. I’ll call you if anything changes.”

Carina protests, the idea of leaving her wife is unfathomable. 

“I can’t. What if…”

“She is stable now. Just take a short break. She’ll be okay.”

The OB stares at Maya as she contemplates her friend’s suggestion.

"Really Carina, you need to rest. I can see how tired you are. Just rest while Maya is resting too."

She really is absolutely exhausted. She completely lost track at this point of how long she's been awake. So she tries to be rational. She knows she needs to take care of herself too, she needs to be okay for Maya. The lieutenant still has many days to stay in the hospital. Carina cannot burn out on the first one. 

“Fine, but just for a little while.”

“Good. I won’t leave her side. I promise.”

Carina softens at that, putting her stubbornness aside to appreciate Andy’s support. 

“Thank you, Andy. I’ll be quick. Call me if anything changes.”

“I will. Go and rest.”

……………….

The sound of hushed voices wakes her up. The beeping of the machines is a quick reminder of where she is. She doesn't know how long she slept but she feels better. Her head is throbbing less now and her body is slightly less tired. 

Maya slowly opens her eyes and looks around, hoping to find her favourite pair of caramel eyes. She finds Andy's instead and the disappointment is evident. In a fraction of a second, her mind is racing. 

Has Carina left? Again? Will she be alone? Again?

Her friend can read right through her and is quick to provide some reassurance.

"She's still here. I convinced Carina to rest. She was exhausted and sitting in this torture of a chair. Really, I don't know how a hospital has something as terrible as this chair. It can't be healthy! It's insulting."

Maya relaxes instantly. Her wife didn't leave her. She is just resting like she hoped she would. The blonde sighs in relief and smiles at Andy, welcoming her presence.

The woman was the only one to come to visit her last time she was at Grey Sloan. She was one of the few to check in on her and make sure she was okay during the last few months. She was there for Maya before and there she is again. Although she did not spend Christmas with her friend to avoid the pitiful eyes, Maya can't help but be grateful to have her there now. 

"I'm glad you're okay. You scared the shit out of me, Bishop."

"I know. It scared the shit out of me too."

Andy gives a dry chuckle before frowning. 

"How are you? Are you in pain? Do you want me to call a doctor?"

"I'm feeling okay."

Andy stares at her and gives her a knowing concerned look. 

"I am. I'm feeling better. I promise."

The brunette nods, convinced, and asks about what happened, clearly concerned about what got her friend into that situation. Maya shares details about the call and the scene, and explains how she ended up in surgery. As she recalls the last day and the turmoil of feelings she experienced, Maya starts to get emotional and finds herself truly opening up to Andy for the first time in so long.

"It was terrifying. I thought I would leave Carina behind. And I never, never want to do that. I want to be there for her. No matter what. I want to continue loving her. I want to build a family with her, Andy."

Andy looks at Maya with a small smile on her face. 

"What?"

"I'm really happy and proud of you."

Maya chuckles a little confused and embarrassed.

"Why?"

"You're taking care of yourself. You survived a really dark moment and you were brave to seek help. And I admire that a lot. So I'm very happy for you."

Maya smiles shyly. 

"Thank you, Andy.",

The pair quickly starts to chat about other things, now more relaxed. They're deep in conversation when a breathless and scared Carina halts a full stop at the door of the ICU room. 

Maya looks at her with worry, fear evident in the Italian's eyes. It breaks her heart and she wishes nothing more than to jump out of bed and take Carina in her arms to protect her, to comfort her.

At her wife's silence, Maya calls her. 

"Carina, are you okay?"

Carina fights the tears that are rapidly building up. Her mouth pouting in that way Maya finds it either incredibly heartbreaking or unbelievably cute depending on the moment. In this circumstance, it just makes the knot in her chest tighten considerably. 

Maya sees the panic and recognition hits her hard. It is the same look Carina would have on her face when she would wake up from her nightmares every time Maya came back home with an injury.

The fear of losing her wife was constantly there but when Carina would see a burn or a deep purple bruise, she would be overwhelmingly reminded of the danger of the firefighter's job, of the terrifying possibility of losing her in a fire. 

Mindful of her own injury, Maya slowly moves forward, her head protesting as she tries to reach for Carina, to hug her. She wants nothing more than to help her, to reassure her. 

"I'm okay. I'm here. It was just a dream, my love. I'm real. This is real."

The words seem to help because soon Carina takes a step closer, shortening the distance between them - in every sense possible. 

The Italian takes her hand delicately as if to confirm that Maya is, in fact, there, talking, breathing, living. When she feels the warmth of her wife's hand she loses the ability to hold back her tears and they gently fall from her eyes.

She is looking at Maya as if the firefighter is the most beautiful, precious person in the world and it makes the blonde's heart do a somersault. 

The American squeezes Carina's hand and ever so slightly pulls it towards her. It's only a brief and gentle nudge to respect the brunette's boundaries, to give her space while still showing support, to give her a choice.

"I'm right here with you. I'm right here for you, my love."

The doctor doesn't hesitate this time and steps toward her wife, strengthening the hold on her hand. Her voice is shaky. 

"You're okay."

She repeats, calming from the terror, pushing away the haunting images of her nightmare. Minutes ago she woke up startled on her office's couch, terrified and disorientated. Now, she finally relaxes at the proof that her wife is alive and breathing, and not dead on an operating table. 

Carina looks at Maya with intent. "Can I hug you?" 

A soft, relieved smile quickly blooms on the blonde's face. 

"Always."

The Italian carefully and tenderly wraps her arms around her wife and lets herself melt in the safety, love and belonging that she feels every time they embrace while Maya welcomes the butterflies that seem to want to burst out of her chest.