Chapter 12
There is only the very familiar sound of a hospital - machines beeping, nurses moving quickly around the ICU, doctors chatting. They haven't uttered a word yet, content in just looking at each other and breathing deeply, drinking in each other's presence and touch.
Maya doesn't take her eyes off of Carina, not even for a second, happily enjoying the warmth that radiates from her wife, who sits on the bed, their hands still clasped together. It feels like a dream to have the Italian so close to her again. How she missed feeling the softness of her touch, being enveloped by her smell, getting lost in her brown eyes, admiring her beauty mark. The blonde wants time to stop so they can stay like this forever.
Although she finds nothing but kindness and love in the Italian caramel orbs, Maya also notices how exhausted the OB looks. Breathtakingly beautiful as always, but clearly tired from the unbelievable day they had. She can't help but be concerned about Carina.
Finally, Maya finds her words as she squeezes Carina's hand and whispers. "Thank you for being here."
The Italian smiles, her eyes soft. "I promised you I would."
"You didn't have to though, so thank you. I'm glad you're here"
Carina just nods, her eyes moving from Maya's to observe how their hands are playing together ever so gently. There is something quite sweet and delicate about it, like they are rediscovering one another. The touch is grounding and necessary. It reminds Maya of when they first started dating and couldn't get their hands off each other, craving and exploring every inch of skin. The need to be physically close was - and still is - overpowering. After so long apart, it feels good to be able to do this again.
Maya watches Carina attentively, engraving her wife's features on her brain, the shape of her nose, and the perfect pink of her lips. At the same time, she is terrified to say something and break the spell they seem to be under. Hours earlier, Carina was hesitant in touching her. Now, there they are. The proximity is intoxicating.
No matter how much she wishes this moment will never end, she also wants the brunette to rest, to be okay. They have so much to talk about.
Maya's quiet voice breaks the silence once more. "How long have you been up?"
Carina tenses up and sighs, suddenly alarmed by where the conversation might be heading. "I'm a doctor, Maya, I'm used to long shifts.”
Maya almost cringes at the tone. She is already doing this wrong. "I know but you also need to rest. You must be tired."
Carina's frustration grows too quickly. This coming from Maya, of all people, makes the OB want to snort at the blonde. It triggers something inside her and Carina fights the urge to get up and leave. However, she does stop the dance their fingers have been engaging in.
Maya closes her eyes, realizing how fragile things are between them. A brain bleed will not magically solve all their problems. She knew that already, but she still hates it.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I'm sorry, Carina."
The lieutenant draws a shaky breath and casts her eyes to her feet, so insecure and unsure now.
Carina notices immediately how quickly her wife withdraws and sighs once again. Her reaction was instant, she hadn't had time to control it. And her heart aches in her chest at their situation, at their struggle to communicate. Nevertheless, she fights the uncertainty and another urge to move away and decides to be honest. She almost lost Maya today, she needs to take a chance, to open her heart again.
"I'm sorry too. I am tired, yes, but I just don't want to leave." There is a pause before the next words come out unsteady. "I don't want you to push me away."
Carina's words and broken voice hit Maya like a bullet. They rip her chest wide open. Before, in her darkest hour, she would have reacted too quickly, perhaps too harshly. She would have denied and ignored her wife’s pleas, as she had done so many times before.
Luckily, she’s different now. She knows she is, she feels it. Diane has helped her see how her traumas shaped her, how her lashing out was a way to protect herself. But now she knows she doesn’t need to fight against Carina’s love and concern. She deserves to be taken care of, to be loved. There is no weakness in that.
She’s also well aware of how much she hurt her wife, of how much her behaviour affected her, and damaged their relationship. Carina deserves better, she deserves space and time to heal, she deserves Maya's honesty, and vulnerability. She deserves her whole heart.
So Maya waits a second and takes a deep breath. The firefighter gently squeezes the brunette’s hand as a way of asking Carina to look at her. It takes a moment but the Italian does it and Maya finds brown eyes filled with apprehension.
This is the moment, the blonde thinks to herself. This is it.
“I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, didn’t let you help me. I can’t even imagine what you went through months ago and again now.”
She stops for a moment, waiting to see how Carina will react while also giving both of them time to absorb the words. Blue and caramel orbs are shining with tears now. Maya hopes Carina can see how much she means every word.
“I know I need to gain your trust back. And I’ll try every day of my life to be better, to make us stronger. I’ll wait for you forever, my love. And I don’t ever want to push you away again. I just want you to rest and be okay."
Carina looks deeply into her wife's eyes, allowing the words she's been hoping to hear for so long to sink in. It doesn't take long for her to find in those ocean-blue eyes the last shred of evidence that, right there, in front of her, is her Maya.
So, after a beat, Carina stands up and leans to hug the blonde. She is careful with her movements, mindful of her injured wife, but she holds onto her. She is speechless. She doesn’t trust her voice as the tears continue to fall. She lets her body find the safety and warmth of Maya’s embrace.
A sigh of relief leaves the lieutenant's lungs as soon as she inhales the perfect scent of her wife, as soon as Carina's breath warms her neck. The feeling of having Carina in her arms is almost overwhelming. It makes her heart do a somersault and the tight knot on her stomach untie. She feels light, safe, and loved.
Maya can't help but press a loving kiss on her wife’s hair. She came so terrifyingly close to never sharing a moment of love with Carina again, to never saying what needed to be said. And she is so grateful she has the chance to make things right.
After a while, Carina gently and reluctantly pulls away from Maya, but not too far so their noses are touching. The Italian tenderly wipes away the blonde's tears as Maya mirrors the same action. Carina finally finds her voice then.
"I want to make us stronger too. I want our love story to go on."
The words are the most beautiful Maya has ever heard and she can only let the wide smile split her face in half as more tears fall.
The firefighter is so incredibly lucky to have this gorgeous, caring, intelligent, fantastic woman by her side. How lucky she is to get yet another chance to love Carina with every fibre of her being.