Chapter 1
Do you know when you slowly wake up and it feels like your mind is fully awake, already overthinking everything, while your body is still asleep, immobile? When there is a sadness so overpowering that you cannot move. When your first thought in the morning is the longing you feel for every touch and whispered promise you’ve ever made in bed to your favourite person. When you feel a heavy cloud hovering over you while your eyes remain closed, unmoving. When the guilt eats you alive before you are even out of bed.
Well, that is how Maya Bishop feels on the morning of December 24th, 2022.
The apartment’s quietness and overpowering smell of cleaning products are a devastating reminder of her actions. Maya Bishop is alone. On Christmas Eve.
She could have woken up today to a beautiful sight and the smell of French toast. She could have tasted her favourite pair of lips.
Instead, she is in bed, completely drained, without any energy to open her eyes and face the day. And all of this because she was stubborn, broken.
She almost died. She hurt her wife. She reached her lowest point. She threw Andrew’s death in her face. Coldly, cowardly. She yelled at Carina.
And then she felt the most unimaginable pain as she saw the Italian leave the room at the ultimatum. She felt her chest breaking in two at the fear and despair of witnessing her damage.
She had really done what she feared the most. She had really snapped at Carina and the brunette left her. She was just like her father. Lane’s voice screamed loudly at her.
And while she is doing therapy, working hard on understanding why she felt the way she did, that she was ill, and how this guilt would not help her, she decides to allow herself to wallow in pain, to feel every emotion, alone. And honestly, that's already a massive change from months earlier when she was just avoiding anything at all.
But the hard truth is that she is completely alone because her words cut through so deeply, they reached her wife’s heart. And not a single day goes by without her regretting them.
Maya grunts and tosses around the bed, suddenly so angry at herself for her stupidity and stubbornness. At being so low and rude. She can't even open her eyes to face this December 24th.
Because she has no idea how she will live through the next couple of days. She would do anything in the world to sleep through the entire holiday and only wake up on the 26th, completely ignorant of the world.
She finally opens her eyes, blinking at the darkness. It is still pitch black outside. No signs of the sun coming up this early in the winter morning.
At the sight of their bedroom, her mind takes her back to her beautiful and brilliant wife and how, had Maya only asked for help months ago, they wouldn’t be in this situation.
She could have been surrounded by the smell of biscotti, coffee and vanilla, by soft fingers stroking her skin delicately, by sweet Italian promises whispered against her neck.
Instead, she is alone on Christmas Eve.
She stares at the ceiling, trying to push away those thoughts. She thinks about getting up and doing something before she needs to head out to the station. Yes, the station.
Maya gladly took the Christmas shift. The last thing she wanted was to spend the night alone in an apartment filled with memories and wake up to the coldness of an empty bed on Christmas Day.
Her other option was to spend the holiday surrounded by Andy's pitiful eyes and the shallow staring of the rest of the team. She cannot quite forgive them yet for leaving her behind that day, for turning their backs on her at the moment she needed them the most.
So despite Andy's protests, she took the Christmas shifts even knowing they are always brutal and eventful. Fires, accidents, fights, overdoses. It will be exhausting and devastating.
And yet, still feels more appealing to her than the other two terrible options.
So she reluctantly stands up, slowly. It feels like the bed has a magnet that is desperately pulling her back. The sadness that is so rooted in her almost makes her surrender to it. She fights it though, bravely overpowering the pull and going about her morning.
After preparing a quick healthy breakfast, she does yoga. A hard shift from the intensity of running. But she’s learning to like it, to feel good about it.
Unfortunately, it doesn't help much because her mind races the entire time. Does her wife miss her? How will Carina spend Christmas? How is the Italian feeling today? Is she as heartbroken as Maya? Or has she moved on?
Maya thinks about calling Carina and begging to see her. But she can't. She needs to give the doctor the time and space she needs. Diane has been incredibly helpful. Their time together is always filled with painful memories, yet there is also so much power, respect, and healing. But she knows there isn't an overnight solution to their problems. Maya and Carina have spoken very little since the firefighter screamed at her wife in the hospital room. Carina went by the apartment only once to get her shampoo but left quickly, leaving Maya heartbroken at their door.
The firefighter shakes her head, trying to focus on getting ready.
Her morning goes by surprisingly quickly and it's finally time to leave for her shift. Maya stands quietly at the door, sadly staring at the lifeless apartment. She can't even call it home. Not without Carina. She takes in the lack of colour, light and aromas. The Italian's absence is so very evident and painful. It nearly brings Maya to tears. She fights them back just in time, though, swallowing them as if they were rocks.
She closes the door and quickly moves down the stairs of the building, anxious to start her shift and forget, for just a moment, about Christmas and why Carina won't be with her today.
……………….
Her shift is as chaotic as she expected and more exhausting than she last remembered. She can still feel the effects of her fall, the damage that her recklessness had created. She hasn't been back into action for long and her body reminds her of that constantly.
It is still early and everyone from C shift is at the table having a late lunch, finally having the first meal of the day as they had been receiving call after call, keeping them all too busy to eat.
Maya is quiet for most of the meal. Every time her body stops, her mind takes her back to Carina, to the love of her life, to how much she needs to just touch her one more time or at least look at her favourite pair of soft brown eyes.
When the klaxon rang, she welcomes the interruption, the way it makes her focus on anything but the Italian doctor and how much Maya hurt her.
As soon as the engine arrives at the address, she gets a sinking feeling in her stomach. As she watches the flames rapidly spread across the building, she feels her chest get tighter. When she hears the desperate screams of the people trapped inside, however, she quickly goes into firefighter mode.
In seconds she is ready. She is desperate to do what she does best, help others and be a damn fine lieutenant. She is one of the most experienced firefighters on C shift, so she naturally takes a leadership position, helping guide her team toward the inside of the building to rescue the victims inside.
The moment she steps inside, she finds chaos.